Did you ever feel you were drifting aimlessly before transitioning?

[PurpleWolf]

A simple question:
Did you ever feel this before transitioning? That your life was meaningless? Or bland? That you were just drifting through it?

Or did you have a surreal feeling 'this wasn't your life'?

Did you feel you were just going to continue being like that forever? That you didn't have much anything to expect/look forward to from life?

How has that changed after transitioning?

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I definitely felt this. I was always looking forward to transitioning & having top surgery one day - but for years I just felt real numb. I literally felt 'this isn't my life'! I felt almost as if I was living someone else's life - or hadn't even started mine. Without any concrete action plans on transitioning I just felt I was drifting, yeah. I had general aims in life (and still do) and aspirations but felt I wasn't really living that moment. I was always living in the future - and year by year it started to feel more suffocating knowing I was kinda stuck but didn't know which way to turn to, really. I also felt that if I was unable to affect the way my body was, there wasn't any point taking good care of it. I felt 'this isn't my life' 'I'm not living my life' 'this isn't my body' etc. Having that deadname also made me completely indifferent about things as if they didn't concern me.  Life just sort of 'happened' - I wasn't really part of it as I was unable to be my true self.

Thinking about it I think I've felt this since I was born...! I learned that I had to endure situations I didn't like, had to wear clothes I didn't like, wasn't allowed to express how I really was as a person, had to take crap from everyone. If I didn't, I would suffer even more or be yelled at, or then just accepted other people didn't care what I felt about things or what kind of person I was inside. I learned to keep everything inside. I felt numb & angry all the time. Later on as an adult I felt the deadname thing was some absurd joke and I wasn't going to take any part in it. From early on I had to endure & do things I felt emotionally bad about. I learned to completely numb myself and just ignore the nasty feeling I had about things. I felt I had no other choice but to endure. No wonder I further cultivated that later on in life - even to the point of enduring under that deadname for so long as if I didn't have any choice over the matter. Okay I did have a limited choice, but I still did have one, just didn't realize it.

This is getting deep, but I think I learned from early on that my feelings just didn't matter. I finally got to a point where I couldn't stand anyone forcing me to do anything anymore. I didn't want to subject myself to anything remotely authorative such as poking at my gender identity/expression in a clinic. I just had enough of all that ->-bleeped-<-!!!

I learned to be numb & not cry for any disappointment and not speak my mind from very early on. I masked unassertiveness as being 'mature' or 'tough'. I had a general feeling that people just wanted bad things to happen to me and that I should trust no one. No wonder I felt after not being able to transition that I didn't even have a right to exist.

After that name change in February and after getting support here my life has improved so much in a short period of time!!! I just feel like a completely different person now & have a completely different approach towards life. I'm actually concretely feeling I'm living in the NOW. And I'm taking steps towards a better future & feel I have every right to do so. My life isn't pointless and a joke anymore! I very much feel I'm ALIVE every second!!!

[Shambles]

I never wanted to make desicions always just went along with the flow, always felt like i didnt want to make a wrong chice that i would regret later on and this was before i knew i was trans. I lived in a coma so yes prity meaningless. Got married and had kids as thats whats normal, whatever was normal or boring that was me. Its only been the last few months that ive started to come out my shell, understanding who i am, what i like, where i want to be and how ro get it

[Allison S]

Yeah and it's still like that now that I'm transitioning. I blame everything on transitioning and being trans. I'm very envious of cis women. I feel like a fake imposter and no it doesn't feel like what my life should be. People see me as a freak and I'm all alone...

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[Kylo]

I didn't think I was but it's apparent now I was drifting sometimes, trying to fill some kind of void.

I kept coming back to academia instead of forging a specific career. I thought I was an introverted studious type but that was just the effect of the dysphoria making me not want to express myself or be around people. I seem to be the opposite sort of person to the one I thought I was now.

[PurpleWolf]

I thought I was an introverted studious type but that was just the effect of the dysphoria making me not want to express myself or be around people. I seem to be the opposite sort of person to the one I thought I was now.

Haha, sounds like me...!

[Kokoro]

PurpleWolf, so much of what you said resonated deeply with me. The disconnect from everything around you, not caring for your own happiness, learning your opinions/thoughts didn't matter...

The single most accurate word to describe it all was 'numb'. Life cruised by and I had no drive to do anything. Succeed in my job, meet a partner, make new friends, go out with existing ones. Nothing mattered at all to me, save my family though my whole disconnect with life has probably hurt them far more in the long run.

Building up to start transition has given such a drive I've never recall having before in my life. I'm applying myself to everything now, my job, my health, my relationships. It's such a stark difference, having a purpose to reach for now.

[PurpleWolf]

Building up to start transition has given such a drive I've never recall having before in my life. I'm applying myself to everything now, my job, my health, my relationships. It's such a stark difference, having a purpose to reach for now.

That's great to hear  !!! So happy for you!

[sigsi]

Yeah, I felt like I was watching a person in a movie attempting to live. There wasn't a point in anything let alone a reason to try, it was all fake. I mentally separated my mind from my body and didn't care what happened to the shell (developed an eating disorder). I thought that was going to be my life until I died. I wasn't suicidal, but was indifferent to living. I couldn't see a life after high school, figuring I would mentally snap or end up homeless one day (both leading to death in one way or another). As you and others have stated feeling, I was numb. At that point, I preferred and strived for the numbness.

Currently, I haven't transitioned medically yet. Presenting myself more androgynously and coming out to select people though has helped a lot mentally. I want to try at life, get a job and maybe attempt to go to college. I see a future where I move out on my own and am open to the idea of dating one day (which I never wanted to try before). And while I still have issues with an eating disorder, my younger self didn't want to recover or attempt to keep my body alive and functioning. I don't feel like everything I do is a lie anymore, which gives me a reason to try, and in turn I don't feel as disconnected.

[PurpleWolf]

Sigsi - great story!!!

[Jazmynne]

Yes when I read the question I said that's me, I just work sleep work sleep. Things that I was interested in before I seem to have lost interest in, hard to get motivated to do anything for myself. I would agree about the feeling numb part as lately that has been the case. I just seem to have no emotions about anything, maybe I will get this figured out someday.       

[fleurgirl]

I never felt like I was aimlessly drifting. Sure, my dysphoria was TERRIBLE, but I still buckled down and managed to keep living my life prior to transitioning. I worked hard in my studies, made meaningful relationships, and built myself up.

Now that I'm transitioning, I really am happier. However, I think I've always been anchored down in myself and such. Maybe a little too anchored (dysphoria was like a heavy weight)

- Fleur

[Julia1996]

No. I was actually planning for transition. My mom had lied and told me my dad was reaching his limit with me and that anything more as far as being feminine and wearing make up and he would throw me out. It seems ridiculous now but I really didn't know at that time if he might. My mom kept telling me he had actually said he would. So I took cosmetology when I was in high school.  I wanted to have a way to support myself if I had to and also transitioning isn't a big deal in the beauty industry. Thankfully I didn't have to support myself but I was ready in case I had to. I wouldn't be as far along and I wouldn't be having surgery in May but I would still have transitioned no matter what.

[Corrina]

I have been drifting aimlessly. My life has not been my own. I drank like crazy for years and wasn't happy. I knew I was not right. I was teased as a child for acting and dressing like a girl I began lifting weights but nothing changed! So I turned to alcohol and to knumb myself I would sneak out as a woman and had guys hit on me. I never went with them because they thought I was a woman. This kid has to end. So after I finish my MBA i will be who I am and stop drifting.

[Sarah_P]

I absolutely did. I had no ambition, no motivation. I never went to college, I never learned any real skills. For some time I'd bounce from job to job, usually because I quit out of depression or anger (my only 2 modes back then). What skills I have learned were from the variety of jobs I had. I didn't date, & only had a few friends. Only since starting to transition am I seriously thinking about a real career, and becoming social & dating again.

[fleurgirl]

I really like your story.

[Kylo]

To be honest there's a risk of continuing to drift aimlessly during and after transition as well without some goals in mind of what you want to do with yourself. You might begin to feel more "real", more "yourself" etc. and then what? Then you have to get on with the business of making that real life worth living as well. To me transition is like reaching the starting line everyone in the race was already at, long after the gun's gone off. I'm practically halfway through my realistic lifespan. I've done a lot of different things and had enough experiences to tell a few amusing or shocking stories, but the general overall feeling is one of underachievement. Which is funny because people tell me I've "done a lot of things" and "achieved" but that kind of means nothing if it's not what you wanted to achieve in the first place.

Some people don't have trouble with it because they already had lives and careers before transition. For some people though their lives were disrupted by the condition and they have to get on track. I feel like I've been running on five or six different tracks but enjoying none of them. I don't even know if I'll enjoy any of the others, as transition has been more about ending strife than finding fulfillment. I don't think anyone can be fulfilled just by the prospect of "being a man". That's going to be a fulfillment you'll get bored with.

This year I've decided I need to take some of my activities to the next level and see what I can get out of them. It's going to be tough, people are going to complain and resist (because those people complain and resist everything) there'll probably be a lot of potential rejection and competition (when isn't there, these days) but I don't see much other option. If something doesn't appeal then you either do something different or you put up with it indefinitely, and I'm tired of where I'm currently at. I'll have to stop before I'm too past it to have a crack at the things I'm really serious about wanting to do. the career I've got is better than most jobs but ultimately it's isolating and risking burnout that hasn't been great for my brain. So something needs to change. 

[PurpleWolf]

Kylo, I really love your input!!! As always.

To me transition is like reaching the starting line everyone in the race was already at, long after the gun's gone off.

So very true!

[Charlie Nicki]

I felt my life was meaningless. Like I was watching a black and white movie while everyone else got to see it in colors and amazing sound.

Now, in the middle of transition, I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders but at the same time I dislike being trans. Things would be infinitely easier if I was cis.

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