Well, the last few years have been very interesting, and full of struggling to figure out who I am. I guess just recently, and especially tonight after digging up memories I haven't thought about in years, I am ready to just start living again and stop worrying about so many little details that I can't control.
I guess in the end, despite having felt so sure about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, I can't plan for everything, and can't control it in the way I want to. After a lot of thinking, and putting my focus elsewhere, I have decided that for the time being I do not feel the need to transition, and for the most part will probably withdraw almost completely from at least internet based LGBTQ stuff. I still identify as pansexual, and still identify as something on the transgender spectrum, just not sure that transition is right for me.
I have accepted that one day I may feel like a girl, and the next day I will probably feel like a guy, and that is finally okay with me. For the longest time I have had this idea of "all or nothing", meaning I would either have to transition, or just not and continue to live my life as just a guy. But now I just kind of feel at peace with myself, and the thought that I don't feel the need as much anymore.
I just think it is funny, I have kind of hated my mom's email, since it represented a lot of stuff I didn't want to acknowledge about myself, but in the end she was right to a degree, that my gender identity and sexuality are just a part of me, and not the entirety of me.
It is just.. okay I guess. I just finally feel not as stressed as I have over the years, and just no longer in a rush. Someday I may decide I need to transition, or I may never transition, and I am okay with that now. Just like some day I may bring a guy home to meet my parents, or a girl, or whatever, and that is okay too.
I also still 100% believe I was born this way, and I still plan on trying to educate people about it every chance I get.. just like I wanted to do years ago when this started, but wasn't ready to yet.
I have finally started learning to drive, which has been one of my biggest fears for years now.. Today I drove on the highway for the first time, and now I am hoping to have my license by next semester. I also am planning on starting to work out again, and am working really hard on my photography, want to get into wildlife and nature for the most part, but trying not to limit myself too much anymore.
Honestly, not really sure what caused this sudden feeling of just being okay, but it is nice... I just hope it is legit this time, and that I won't be feeling all depressed again in a few weeks.
Also, last thing since it is on my mind right now.. I was just digging deep into myself recently, and came out with a nice memory from when I was really young.. Just a nice memory of sitting down with my grandma, looking toward the sunset, and all of those amazing colors.. the same sunset I now photograph almost daily.
So yeah.. probably the last time that I will be posting here or on the various ->-bleeped-<- communities that I am somewhat active on, but ending this part of my life on a kind of happy note.. just crazy to think this weird adventure of finding myself started 5 years ago with a stupid youth group that isn't even relevant anymore.
