Stevi's Saga

[Stevi]

Moni,

Thanks for sharing your experiences with your sons.  I am glad for you that in the end it worked out.  I understand the wisdom in giving them time and space.  It is encouraging to know it can and does work out well.  I know the YMMV bit but every ray of hope is welcome.

Stevi

[Stevi]

I was out with my wife today.  We had our therapy appointments at 1:00.  Before the appointments we did a little thrift store browsing and after the appointments we went out to Olive Garden for a late lunch.early dinner.  Three different times I got complimented on the dress I was wearing.  It was a plain denim dress that followed my shape from the waste up quite well.  It was a bit looser on the hips but overall gave me a pretty good looking figure.  I really appreciated the compliments and my wife took note of them.  She commented about them, approvingly.

I think I mentioned some recognition of my womanhood up thread.  That was affirming as were today's complements.  Still, there is this nagging in the deep parts of the mind that says that people are being kind inspite of what they are seeing.

I really wish I had an honest evaluation of how I am seen by others.  I do think, though, as time goes on, that I am less and less concerned about passing or blending and more and more content to be treated as a woman by others irregardless of what others actually see.

Stevi,

[Stevi]

Oh, the therapy session.  It went OK.  Most all of it was dedicated to our daughter's diatribe.  This is the first time I have seen my therapist since before I came out to our daughter.  The thoughts and advice I received pretty much mirrored what you girls have already given me.  Give our daughter some more time and if she doesn't reopen the discussion on both my transition and her issues with us for our parenting in some reasonable time frame, I will need to approach her in a manner that goes pretty much like the one Moni has outlined.  I had already started on composing my thoughts along that line.  Tricky part is determining what a reasonable period of time is.

My wife gave me a jab as we both exited our sessions at the same time.  I was wiping a few tears from eyes and she quipped that she hadn't shed a tear this time around implying I was being such a girl about things.

Stevi

[HappyMoni]

My wife gave me a jab as we both exited our sessions at the same time.  I was wiping a few tears from eyes and she quipped that she hadn't shed a tear this time around implying I was being such a girl about things.

Stevi

Did you tell her to "woman up" that when the going gets tough, the tough are strong enough to cry? 

Wait, maybe it was a statement that she didn't need to cry due to her being in a better place. Could be!

[KathyLauren]

Still, there is this nagging in the deep parts of the mind that says that people are being kind inspite of what they are seeing.
...
I do think, though, as time goes on, that I am less and less concerned about passing or blending and more and more content to be treated as a woman by others irregardless of what others actually see.

I think you just answered your own nagging doubt.  It doesn't matter what people see.  If they are being kind, go with it.

[Stevi]

Moni and Kathy,

A quick thank you.  I am in an internet black out zone and only have a minute to check on things, here.

I'll be back.  Soon, I hope, but some day , certainly.

Stevi

[Julie -2010]

Stevi,

  I feel for you.  I'm on the beginning path that you have already gone down.  How will my wife handle it if the kids cut us off.  How will my kids handle it.  They seem real open but this is their dad not a friend or just someone they know.

  I've pondered this long enough that I need this no matter what.  That is so hard to say.  I don't want to lose my wife and kids but I also want to be happy.  I still have the guilt that I've put my family in this situation and very much blame myself.  Yes my therapist is helping on not beating myself up so much.

  Sometimes I would just like to move away (with my wife) and live how I want to live.  The kids will be fine, my family and friends will be fine and life goes on.  But that would be really hard of my wife and I know it is not the way to go.

Good luck.  I hope your daughter comes around.

Julie

[Stevi]

Finally got out of the internet blackout zone.   I have now got to recall some of what has been transpiring as of late.

But first, up thread I mentioned, more than once, I believe, that my wife an I befriended a trans-woman back in December.  It was while were doing a "family cruise" with our daughter.  We, subsequently got to know this woman quite well and really enjoyed being with her.  She was a great help for my wife.  She was an example of a trans woman who was enjoying life.  She was funny, extroverted and had a "This is who I am.  I like it.  If you don't, to h**l with you." approach to living.  This morning, we got a call from a mutual friend.  We learned that our new, but close friend had passed from a massive stroke.  In four short months she had made an incredible contribution to my wife's and my own life.  Her passing has left a huge whole in our souls that shall never be filled.

Rachael, thank you for allowing us to have been a part of your life and for all the help and support you were to both of us.  It was a joy to have known you. You will be sorely missed.

We love you,
Stevi and Penny

[Stevi]

Julie,

Getting to where we need to be can be really hard.  Finding the compromise that gets all the parties involved what they need for the relationships to continue can be really hard.  It may be, in the end, impossible.  I have been slowly working through this for about ten years now.  First it was me all alone, experimenting just to figure out where I fit on the spectrum.  Just how deep and swift was this current I found myself in.  Then six years ago, I came out to my wife.  In reality I brought her into the closet with me.  Better for me.  Hard for her.  That is where our friendship with Rachael was of such help.  She finally had a friend who understood the trans-plight and was more than willing to help her.  Someone with whom she did not have to guard every word.  A source of pertinent information from a real live person.

When we see what our trans-plight does to those we love, it is natural to suffer pangs of guilt.  There is something going on in us that is not fathomable by "normal" people but it is not something that is intentional on our part.  We need not feel guilt for being who we are.  However, we need to manage our relationships as lovingly as possible.  That is something we have control over and we should do our best to be loving and compassionate in the process of finding the best solution for all concerned.

Yea, believe me, running away has crossed my mind on more than a few occasions.

Stevi

[Stevi]

On a more positive note.

On our way out of town a week ago, I stopped by to pick up my affidavits of character.  One was done, but the one that needed to be done out of the office by another notary, was not yet done.  While there, though, I had her notarize an affidavit from me that declares I have no outstanding tax obligations, no child support obligations and not sexually offensive a sex offender.

When I got the mail for the first time since we left a week ago, I found the both the FBI and the NC SBI reports that I need for my name change petition.  Neither agency could find any record of having run afoul in their systems.  It seems there is no one in their systems with my finger prints.

So, I have one notarized affidavit as to my character to pick up.  Then, I need to check with the county clerk of courts to see if I need anything else.  The next step is a ten day posting at the courthouse of the notice to petition for a name change.

Stevi

[Donna]

Sorry to hear about your new friend. It's hard to loose someone even if you have only known them for a short time.
Glad your paper work is coming together.

[HappyMoni]

Stevi,
   So sorry about your loss. Some people pop into our lives and make a huge difference in no time at all. This has happened to me. It hurts.
   Hoping the paperwork is coming together for you. Hugs.
Moni

[Stevi]

Donna and Moni,

Thanks for you condolences.

Rachael was to first trans person I have befriended, in person, that I actually knew was trans.  I have met some others but I have not made any real connections with them.  I will need to work on that.

I have gotten to know of many of you sisters here on Susan's quite well.  It has been great fun watching some of the antics orbiting Laurie's Lorry.  I have been keeping a close eye on some of the other journal style threads here, such as Michelle's, Rachel's, "The Roll Show!" and the progress and travails of so many others.  I see great people having a great time, lovingly, teasing each other.  I see so much support and encouragement spread around.  Still, I feel as though I am just an outside observer.  I have the sense that most anything I have to say is just noise.

Many of you have been most supportive as I have been chronicling my experiences here these past couple of months.  It is most appreciated.  I just do not feel the same bond that I had with Rachael.  Not yet.  I am sure it will come with time, if I keep engaged.  Building meaningful relationships with others has always been a weakness of mine.

Thanks for all that everyone has done for me.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Life is still busy.  I have submitted my taxes.  Not the last minute but probably as late as I have ever done them.  Usually that job gets done before March roars in.  I have bunch of obligations to fulfill over the next month or so.  Wednesday, my wife and I hope to attend Rachael's funeral.  My wife has jury duty this week.  Their system is that she needs to call this evening to find out if she is needed to show up tomorrow.  If she is needed we won't know if she will be selected so we don't know if Wednesday is free for her.  We are going to see if we can short circuit that whole thing when I go to the courthouse today to proceed with my name change.  I hope I can get my notice for the name change posted today.

Yesterday we had a pleasant conversation with our daughter.  She seems to be doing OK.  She has had a couple of therapy sessions and says she is in a good place.  She is still unsure what her feelings will be when we are face to face.  I am struggling with just how to present when she next sees me.  I do not want to overwhelm her.  Yet, I don't want to hide my new found light under a bushel any longer, either.  Our next face to face is not far off.  I have committed to doing some renovation work on her condo for her while she is doing a cruise.  We are trying to get everything in place so we can travel to our daughter's immediately after the funeral.  So, it looks like she will see me on Thursday.

Got things to do today and tomorrow.  I have a chronic coolant leak in the van somewhere between the engine and the firewall so I want to drop that off at my service place and see if it can be fixed before I need to leave on Wednesday morning.  I have an optometrist appointment.  I am watching a developing cataract and it might be time to schedule surgery for that.  Then, I need to get the name change notice up, if possible, otherwise, it will be two or three weeks before I am back in town to get it posted.  Then there is packing for the trip.

While we are traveling up our daughter's way, I need to go to my employer's location to get some programming relate work started.   I have been trying to do this remotely but I have been a nightmare.  I need to get the physical system properly laid out and the basic software platforms installed.  After that, I should be able to complete the project remotely.

My wife's sister has been having serious health issues lately and we need to try to see her while we are thatr close.

The next step in my coming out process is for my wife and I to sit down with her very best friend, face to face, and let her know what is going on.  You all know how stressful and uncertain that process is.  My wife and this friend exchange emails daily and confide in each other about everything, except my transness.  The need for my wife to protect "my truth to tell" from her friend has been a great burden on my wife.  It means she often has to be cryptic and secretive when she bitches about me.  But, now, that we have determined that we are moving forward to 24/7 womanhood for me and our daughter has been told, this friend is the next that needs to know.  This is our first opportunity, in person, to do that since we told our daughter.  Wish us well.

There is one other person that need to be told in person.  After that it will be a family and friends, general broadcast.

Never a dull moment.

Stevi

[KathyLauren]

So sorry to hear about your friend Rachael.

I wonder if your wife can get excused from jury duty because of the funeral.  When I served jury duty, the judge excused people for similar reasons.  YMMV, of course.

Good luck coming out to your wife's friend.  It gets easier.

[Stevi]

Kathy,

Thank you.

I am sure she will be excused.  The timing is a bit tight.  We won't know until shortly before we should be getting underway.  Just makes for more uncertainty at an overall bad time.  It will work out.

I am very hopeful that all will go well with coming out to my wife's friend.  Just more uncertainty to deal with.  For myself, the outcome is not that terribly important.  Sure, I do not want to loose a friend.  The real burden, for me, is the possibility of my wife loosing her very best friend or even just having that relationship strained through no fault of her own, but, because of me.

In many ways, this whole business seems so one-sided.  I am getting what I need, although, I have compromised in some ways and progressed more slowly than I would have liked.  But she seems to be getting nothing more than a continued relationship with me which is what she has always had.  I was not mean and nasty or disengage or constantly depressed.  I was "misplaced." I was always a good provider and a faithful husband.  Our marriage has had its problems but we always worked them though.  She has had to struggle through my trans-plight mostly on her own.  She was not even able to confide in her best friend.  She has been seeing a therapist and that has been a help.  Our friend was such a significant part of her support system.  None of her support is close at hand.  Therapy, group and Pflag are all more than two and a half hours away for us.

Just venting, a bit

Stevi

[Donna]

It is so much the story for our SO. We need this and we become better people for it but they are losing the love of their lives even if we never really leave the room.
It is such a conundrum to deal with. We can all hope that caring and loving and compassion win out in the end and they see us for the true spirits we are.
Friends and family can throw up such road blocks just with their comments that it makes it even harder for our SO to wrap their heads around it as is the case with my wife and her youngest son (43) and his wife.
They blame me for putting my wife in a terrible situation when they haven't even spoken to us as a couple. They don't have a clue that we are more open and talking than ever before and  besides my changes happier as well. If they would sit and listen and visit they would see a loving couple, girlfriends and best friends.

[Stevi]

Donna,

My wife and I have not had a lot of push-back, yet from anyone.  Mostly, I suppose, because we have not come out, as yet, to many of the more important people in our lives.  I think I will find that some are OK, even supportive.  Many are likely to be aghast and shun me/us.  We am prepared to accept their decision.  We do not depend on them all that much, anyway.  We do not see them all that often.  I think I dread the most, those who think their knowledge and wisdom is so superior to my own in this that they know better than us just how we should be handling it.

I have spent much of the last ten years examining my transgender nature under the microscope of my worldview.  I have adjusted that worldview microscope to bring newly discovered details into focus.  My wife and I have cried many a tear while trying to define our needs and desires for our future.  And some think they have stumbled across the essential fact about a subject which they absolutely nothing about that trumps it all.  Yea, right!

Stevi

[Stevi]

Yea!!!!!

Notice of petition for my name change is posted.  I should officially be Stephanie Rushelle Jones on the 30th of April if the County Clerk of the Superior Court of Pamlico, NC looks at his calendar on that day.  That is the first business day after the 10 day notice period.  I hope he checks his calendar first thing that morning.

Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Stevi,
   It is getting exciting! Or is it Stephanie now?
   It has always come back to this for me. You (person that I am telling) know your life, I know mine. I don't have a choice in what I am doing (transitioning.) It is a chance for my happiness versus certain pain and torment. You have no right to judge me unless you have dealt with dysphoria yourself. I will help you to adjust as best I can, give you information, answer questions, but don't condemn me for doing what must be done. There is no one who tried to run from this more than me. If I know anything, I know there is no running from this, no cure, no religious miracle that will change my reality. Of course, I then bend over backwards to help others deal with this, especially family. I was the youngest of 5 kids. I fully expected my siblings to question what  I said about being trans. They accepted the facts as I presented them. I was surprised and pleased.
Moni