Something funny,
My wife came in from the mail box yesterday. She was laughing and said "Stephanie is real!" I was somewhat perplexed. All I could think of was that either my new passport ot birth certificate had arrived. I was feeling little miffed because I jumped to the conclusion she had opened my mail. I wanted to be the one to open that particular piece of mail. Well, she handed me the mail. It was one of those deceptive pieces of junk mail that tries to look "official" and dupe you into buying auto repair insurance to "extend" your soon to expire warranty. Evidently, my recent auto title name changes have triggered a rash of solicitations in Stephanie's new name. This piece was the fourth one in three days. Stephanie is a part of the great mass of people from which businesses wish to separate money.
Something interesting,
I am working toward having cataract surgery in the near future. Thursday, I kept my first appointment with my surgeon-to-be. I walked up to the window to introduce myself and fill out the preliminary paperwork. I am in the middle of getting my name and gender changed with the various bureaucracies. Right now, Social Security and my NC driver's license are changed but Medicare and Humana are in the past, still. I had no choice but to out myself. Well, I started out by telling the woman behind the window that this is going to be a little different. While standing there in a dress, jewelry and lippy, I gave her my deadname so she could find me in her appointment calendar and handed her my new driver's license. She looked up at me and smiled. Then she said. "Yesterday, I finished reading 'Becoming Nicole.'"
(Becoming Nicole The Transformation of an American Family--- The inspiring true story of a transgender girl, her identical twin brother, and an ordinary American family's extraordinary journey to understand, nurture, and celebrate the uniqueness in us all, from the Pulitzer Prize-winning science reporter for The Washington Post, Amy Ellis Nutt.)
Downer,
For a few days now I have been struggling, in spite of the couple of high points above. I spoke with the gym manager, again, briefly, about the gym owner's as yet non-existent transgender policy. No progress on that front, yet. I don't really know how it will all work out yet. The layout of the locker room is not going to make using it easy for me. The management is likely going to resist accommodating me. This not-so-little hurdle has gotten me thinking. "What the *&*% am I doing. As a non-op I have a feeling of being an impostor if I start using the women's facilities at the gym, in particular, and just living as Stephanie, in general. To compound this feeling, while sitting in the surgeon's waiting room with my wife, we looked at photos from the last eight months or so. I was in a number of them. Only a few of them were of me as Stephanie. Regardless, I was revolted by all of them. I just can't see how I can get accepted into the world as a woman. There is so much T damage to that face. I have compromised with my wife in that I committed to doing a non-op transition. I have been rethinking that commitment a little. That doesn't fix the face but it does obviate the locker room issue by ridding me of that defining appendage. I guess it is a matter that I am a bit unsettled right now. I want a life where I am involved and accepted as a woman. I am having doubts that is even remotely possible.
Stevi
