Stevi's Saga

[Donna]

Stevi, you have to do what is right with you. Tell her and be done with it, if she takes it poorly just know your not alone. We all are here to support you and we have all had something similar. She may surprise you so keep your fingers crossed.
Every one is entitled to their opinions and some may not align with ours, don't let it eat you up.
Unfortunately family and friends can be cruel and uncaring be we need to be better than that and stand firm in or commitment to ourselves.
Best of luck with all of it, once you are 💯 our it will be so much smoother.

[Stevi]

Donna,

I knew my eldest sister would be a royal pain in the behind.  I will be fine no matter how she responds.  I am braced for the worst and hoping for the best.  The worst is known not to be coming because the one sister that knows is an ally.  Everything else good I get is gravy.  I have high hopes for two of the four sisters that remain.

It is true that we really do not know who will react well and who will react badly until we give them a chance to think and finally weigh in.

Hopefully,
Stevi

[Stevi]

Went to the UU service this morning.  After the service, during the coffee and munchies, I was walking through the room and someone greeted me with "Stevi!  You look gorgeous!"  I smiled broadly and replied, "Oh, thank you so much.  That is exactly what I was going for!"  The dress was a variegated light blue silk number I got from a thrift store quite some time back.  It fits my curves really well.  Yes, I have a feminine shape!  I have lost about 10 stubborn pounds recently.  There are just a couple of extra pounds around the waist, now.  HRT has added a couple of inches on the north and south ends.  Wearing the dress made me feel really good.  Getting that affirming feedback made me feel really great.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Aaaaaagggggghhhhh!!!!!

Just got off the phone with a Medicare rep.  My records still don't show an F.  According to this rep, I need to wait 30 (more) days before the correction at Social Security that was done on Friday gets to them.  I was told otherwise by SSA.  I have no idea who is right.  Probably neither.  It is really something like 390 days.  I do not understand why there are two departments in the first place.  And, don't these people know that computers can talk to each other.  And, electrons travel really fast.  The computers are not that far apart that it should take 30 days.

Wait, I was not put on hold for, like, forever.  I was not put on hold at all.  Maybe, I dialed a wrong number? Hummm!

Back to my impatient waiting,
Stevi

[Northern Star Girl]

Aaaaaagggggghhhhh!!!!!

Just got off the phone with a Medicare rep.  My records still don't show an F.  According to this rep, I need to wait 30 (more) days before the correction at Social Security that was done on Friday gets to them.  I was told otherwise by SSA.  I have no idea who is right.  Probably neither.  It is really something like 390 days.  I do not understand why there are two departments in the first place.  And, don't these people know that computers can talk to each other.  And, electrons travel really fast.  The computers are not that far apart that it should take 30 days.

Wait, I was not put on hold for, like, forever.  I was not put on hold at all.  Maybe, I dialed a wrong number? Hummm!

Back to my impatient waiting,
Stevi

@Stevi
Dear Stevi:  I just "knew" that your gender change request was not going to be quick... and I had a hunch that there is a lot of bureaucracy red tape that will slow that down... and different departments that compete with each other.
At least you didn't have to be on hold for a long time on the phone... but like you said, you might have dialed a "wrong number" ........  keep after them Stevi ... the squeaky wheel gets the grease....

Hugs... and patience.
Danielle

[Stevi]

I am still mulling over my options regarding the local fitness club's cancellation of my membership.  I stopped by the facility this morning.  I spoke with the manager.  It was a congenial conversation.  When I walked up to the window, she immediately reached into a paper organizer on her desk and placed the envelop she had retrieved on the counter in front of me.  I refused to touch it.  During the conversation I asked the owner's last name.  In the call I got from him last week, he gave me his name but I am bad with names and I was unsure of how he identified himself after the phone call ended.  I asked if there were any other owners.  Answer- No.  I asked if the manager could retrieve a copy of my membership agreement for me.  I have not been able to locate my own.  She said she would but she needed to search through old files to locate it so it could take a few days.

When I started to leave she asked why I was not taking the check.  I told her that if I did, it might be construed as an implicit acceptance of the owner's actions.  I had purposely refused to touch it so there would be no question that it was never in my possession.

I don't yet know how to proceed.  A number of possibilities have come to mind.

I have sent an email off to a woman in a legal services practice in Wilmington, NC.  This particular woman is a trans woman whom I think I have met in a group therapy session a couple of months back.  I got her card from the leader of my most recent group session last Friday evening.  I gave the basic facts about the situation and ask if she could point me in the right direction for some help.  No response but hasn't been long.

Last Friday in my therapy session one of the topics of discussion was this membership cancellation.  My therapist suggested I contact the North Carolina chapter of the ACLU.  She even handed me a slip of paper with their URL on it.  I looked on the site and I am seriously considering filling out their request for help form.

A third course of action that has crossed my mind is to send a registered letter to the facility/s owner.  So far, he has had not actually heard what it is that I want or need.  While it is unlikely that he is going to reconsider, having something in writing about what I am asking for may be useful further down the road.

Then, there is still the court of public opinion.  I could put a piece in the local County Compass paper or on Towndock.net that lets the community know what has occurred.  I don't whether that will change anything or help anyone in anyway.

Or, I could just drop it and move on with my life doing my exercise by walking and running instead of using the pool as in the past.  I and my wife are not particularly looking for attention so that is an attractive option.  Still, I am wondering if I can fight this fight for the sake of my trans sisters and brothers.

Any thoughts, girls and guys?

Stevi

[Stevi]

Never a dull moment,

I have returned home from the surgery clinic.  Cataract surgery on the left eye. Seem that all went well.  The wife says the doctor said it was a big one.  Don't know how that translates into better vision now. Sitting here with a patch on my eye.  I will have some restrictions on what I can do.  Good time for a girl to make some trouble among the web pages of Susan's Place.

Stevi

[Stevi]

I found that my gendering during the stages of my cataract surgery to be a mixed bag and more upsetting than I had anticipated.  In the past, I have been disappointed when people see him and go with what they see.  When I am forced to look like him, it is excusable.   Sometimes I fall down on my end and don't do the best to pretty him away.  Then it is my own fault.

Today was a bit different.  I was required to wear loose fitting clothing with no makeup or jewelry.  My documents are still inconsistent and unfortunately the surgical center had to follow Medicare.  The one agency that is still in olden days.  Their records show Stephanie (If I can believe the last rep I spoke with,) but the gender marker is M.  I am expecting a new Medicare card in the next couple weeks with that good and bad mix on it.  In the mean time, all I have is the pre-name change one.

So, when I arrived I logged in as Stephanie (Stephen) Jones, hoping to awaken a few brain cells at least.  Nope!  Me standing there in a feminine hair style, top and full skirt. the intake rep started off with MR Jones.  Ugh!.  To myself, "Let it go.  How long can this take?"  Wrong!  Every action that I needed to perform was requested of MR Jones.  Every reference to me when talking with my wife or other staff was HE.

Check in completed.  Back to the surgical pre-op area.  I immediately asked the pre-op nurse if she could use Stephanie instead of the Stephen on the documents before her.  "NO!  We will use what Medicare has listed."  So, I was MR Jones and HE throughout the preparatory process.

That is until just before the surgery was about to begin and the anesthesiologist arrived.  She, God bless her, first words out of her mouth, asked what name I would like for her to use.  "Stephanie, of course.!"  From that moment onward I was gendered correctly.  Unfortunately I was not aware for much of it.  She was my anesthesiologist, after all.

My wife reported that the surgeon and staff used she when filling her in after the operation's end.

I was surprised how much it bothered me.  Enough for me to complain to my wife as she waited with me during the last minutes of my time in pre-op.  I avoid burdening her with these little upsets.  This one just got to me.

I wish SSA/Medicare would have been more competent.

I did not detect any intolerance toward me.  Everyone was quite pleasant to deal with.  Not a sour-puss in the bunch.
   Just not observant or did not care.

Sorry if the text above is a bit garbled.  I am blind in one eye and can't see out of the other, right now.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Went in for first cataract surgery post-op.  This time everyone handled the gendering correctly.  Even the young lady who, on my first visit, opened the door to the waiting area and loudly asked for Mr Jones?  Mr Jones? Mr Jones?  This time a simple Miss Jones as she looked my way.

The doctor was pleased with his handiwork.   I have another follow-up in a week.  About another month before I get a new prescription.  In the mean time, my old prescription no longer works for both eyes,  A bit disconcerting.  So, I stopped by Dollar Tree and picked up two pair of reading glasses with very different diopter and popped the lens out of one side and made a pair that should get me by until I get the a proper pair.

In other news, when we got home yesterday, I got the check in the mail from the fitness center.  It had extra postage on it that I think was a for some kind of proof of delivery.  I opened the envelope.  I was sure it contained only the check to refund my most recent membership debit.  I was right.  I had to open it just in case it had some communication within it.  I do not intend to cash the check until I get some competent advice and make a decision on how to proceed.

Still angry and feeling a need for justice since I will not get consideration.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Me again.  I stopped by the fitness center on the way home from the mail (Going to the mail is another entry's subject.) and was pleasantly surprised.  The manager had retrieved our membership agreement and copied it for me.  I was sure the owner would be obstructionist about.

The Terms section is one-half a page long.  The pertinent portion reads as follows: the fitness center "reserves the right to withdraw, suspend, or refuse membership privileges either temporarily or permanently from any individual or family member who, in the administrator's opinion has conducted themselves in a manner detrimental to the legitimate interest of the "fitness center "and its members"

All I did was ask to now if they had a transgender policy and offer to work with them develop one since they did not have one.

More to think about,
The saga continues,
Stevi

[Northern Star Girl]

Me again.  I stopped by the fitness center on the way home from the mail (Going to the mail is another entry's subject.) and was pleasantly surprised.  The manager had retrieved our membership agreement and copied it for me.  I was sure the owner would be obstructionist about.

The Terms section is one-half a page long.  The pertinent portion reads as follows: the fitness center "reserves the right to withdraw, suspend, or refuse membership privileges either temporarily or permanently from any individual or family member who, in the administrator's opinion has conducted themselves in a manner detrimental to the legitimate interest of the "fitness center "and its members"

All I did was ask to now if they had a transgender policy and offer to work with them develop one since they did not have one.

More to think about,
The saga continues,
Stevi

@Stevi
Dear Stevi: 
Hmmm, based on your previous post about getting the debit returned to you, I don't think that this sounds like good news....  I hope that I am wrong.

Or.. is it good news and they are gifting you a lifetime membership???

Please keep us updated.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Stevi]

Danielle,

I am thinking I might be able to get more than a membership out of this.  Should I try for the whole fitness center?  What ya think?

Stevi

[Stevi]

Up thread I mentioned a trip to the post office earlier today.  The story behind that is that I have begun my "coming out party" to my five sisters and two brothers.

Over the past week I have been composing and polishing a letter intended for all of them.  One of my brothers is not Internet connected.  To get the letter to him, I needed to use the US Postal Service's snail mail service otherwise known as "First Class".  I took his copy of the letter down to the local post office to give it a head start.  I plan on sending emails to all the others on Saturday.

Soon, they will all know.  Might be some fireworks for my party before this is all over.

For better or for worse, hold on to you hats.

Stevi

[Stevi]

I am proud of my wife.  She has been trying to find some way to use our experiences to be of help to others facing a similar situation.  She has found an online support site for wives of transgender spouses.  She responded to one woman's plea for help.  The woman is in the place that my wife has some experience living in.  Dealing with her problems alone and not liking the HRT related changes in a person she dearly loves.  My wife's response was honest but very encouraging to that woman and others following the topic.  She helped others and it made her feel better about herself.

I love her,
Stevi

[Northern Star Girl]

Danielle,

I am thinking I might be able to get more than a membership out of this.  Should I try for the whole fitness center?  What ya think?

Stevi

@Stevi:
Have you asked to meet with and spoken with  (in person) the owner? 
Danielle

[Stevi]

Danielle,

I was being snarky in that comment about getting the whole fitness center.

I asked the manager to have the owner contact me about the matter.  The manager was not willing to give me his phone number or address.  After some follow-ups with the manager, the owner did, finally, call me, once.  It was not a conversation. It was a series of statements from him where he tried to disavow any transphobia on his part, told me he believed he had no legal obligation to accommodate me, told me my membership was canceled and there was a check at the front desk to refund my unused dues, after which he said goodbye and hung up.

I am inclined to send a conciliatory toned letter to him and ask if we can amicably discuss the situation in an effort to resolve the issue before taking any adversarial action.

I really don't want to make life hard for the man.  I am in no mood to roll over, either.  This is a small community and the fitness center is, I suspect, struggling financially.  It is a disservice and an injustice to us, on the one hand, for him to dismiss my wife and me.  On the other hand, if I press too hard, all that is likely to happen is to force his operation into closing in which case the whole community looses and I gain nothing of value.

I find myself in a position where I am in the right, I think, but, not knowing what the right thing to do about it is.

Perplexed, I am,
Stevi

[Dena]

Probably you should sit down with a lawyer, ACLU or LGBT rights group and work out a letter that covers the following points.

1. The center is in violation of their own contract and could be sued for the violation.
2. You don't wish to take legal action, you don't want your money back and would prefer not to take it to the court of public opinion.
3. What you do want is to continue using the facility and you are willing to discuss the issues that could occur.
4. Many people have already addressed this issue and were able to work out an agreement satisfactory to both parties.

[Stevi]

Dena,

Thanks for the advice.  I have reached out for some legal advice.  I intend to do something to follow up with that tomorrow.  I am trying to think and work this through for the best outcome all round.  I really do not want to hurt the community or the employees of the fitness center.  I do not want to give the general public cause to think ill of me or the transgender community at large.

Regarding your 4th point.  Can you point me to a source to substantiate such a statement?  I do not doubt you but I do not want to assert something I cannot defend.

Thanks again,
Stevi

[Dena]

We have several members here who use health clubs. Among them Alaskan Danielle and sarah1972. The FTMs on the site often attend health clubs before top surgery in order to build up their muscles as the surgeons can do a better job if they know what the chest muscle structure is like.

[Stevi]

Dena,

Thank you for your latest reply.  I was aware that there are fellow members here at Susan's that use their own health club, peacably.  I do not know how contentious their situations were and how they compare to the one I find myself in.

It occurs to me that I might make the same point with a statement along the lines of "My wife and I are confident that, together with you, we can address this issue and work out an agreement that is satisfactory to both parties."

Stevi