Stevi's Saga

[Stevi]

I did hear from one of my sisters about another matter.  It is tangentially related to the coming out letter.  If I had not just sent the letter out to her, I would not give it a second thought.

In an email she relates that she has a granddaughter with some health issues.  The doctors are struggling, it seems, to determine what the source of the problem is.  She wrote the email to me and my other sisters and brother asking for medical histories.  On the the surface it seems reasonable to get some family member health history.

If it was the typical general questions about occurrences of cancer, heart disease and the like I would not get too upset about it.  Medical forms ask those kind of questions all the time.  Her request was for great detail.  Life-long details.  Dates and medications.  Operations.  Details that I would expect from my doctor about my health history but I have never had a doctor get that specific about a close relative's health history.

On my coming out letter I told them all that I have satisfied my doctor and the various government agencies that I had received "appropriate clinical treatment" and I am now female.  I explicitly told them that the nature and extent of my physical changers was a private matter among me, my wife, my doctors and my therapist.

Now, for my paranoia.  Is this sister mining for information about my transition and the alterations I have done to my body and the hormones I am taking?  The amount of detail she is looking for, the type of things she wants to know and the timing of the request all give me cause for suspicion.  To fully provide the information she purports to need, I would have to tell her about my HRT medications and any transition related surgeries I may have had.  I hate to think she is being that duplicitous and disrespectful.  But, this does not feel right.

To add to the unsettling nature of the email, she made no mention of the letter I sent.  Nothing to let me know she had received it.  No indication she was giving it any consideration.  It's as though I never sent it to her.  If she really has not received the letter then I do not know how to sign any reply I might send out.

All of this has me in a real quandary as to how to handle it.  If my sister's granddaughter really needs the information, I would not withhold it for even a second.  But, if this is some ploy to get information my sister has no right to, or need of, I am really ticked off.  I just don't know what to do.

Stevi

[Northern Star Girl]

@Stevi
Dear Stevi:  I am following your last couple posts that you talk about the reactions that you are getting from family and friends as a result of your coming-out emails that you recently sent,
and as you mentioned, some of the reactions are about what you expected.

Certainly loved ones will have many, many questions and be very curious about you and your journey.

I will be following your thread to read what else develops....
   ........... stay positive and stay on course.

Hugs,
Danielle

***Oh, and that is upsetting to me to hear about your sister's grand-daughter regarding the cancer diagnosis...  I am trusting that her doctors will get this under control.

[Susan Baum]

Dear Stevi,
I understand your conundrum but you don't have to provide any of the information to your sister.

You are protected by HIPPA rules which are designed to prying noses out of medical records and, as you said, some of her questions are more in depth than you have been asked by your own care providers. That doesn't feel right to me either. Some maladies do have a genetic footprint worth exploring but medical histories such as what you describe (e.g. broken shoulder January 2006) aren't remarkable and have no place other than your own doctor's files.

I can suggest an alternative. If there is a real need for an in-depth family history, ask her to have her granddaughter's health care team contact you directly for the information they may need.

Susan

[Stevi]

Susan,

I have no intention of giving her the kind of information she is looking for.  Fortunately, I have an unremarkable health history so there is little to tell anyway.  I have no problem giving my grand niece anything that would help her, HIPPA be damned.  I am just struck by the invasiveness and timing of my sister's request.  It gives me a bad feeling about myself for thinking what I am thinking and a bad feeling toward her for her asking if her motives are not altruistic.

Stevi

[Paige]

Susan,

I have no intention of giving her the kind of information she is looking for.  Fortunately, I have an unremarkable health history so there is little to tell anyway.  I have no problem giving my grand niece anything that would help her, HIPPA be damned.  I am just struck by the invasiveness and timing of my sister's request.  It gives me a bad feeling about myself for thinking what I am thinking and a bad feeling toward her for her asking if her motives are not altruistic.

Stevi

@Stevi
Hi Stevi,

If they're trying to figure out what illness your grand niece has, I'm not sure why any treatment for transitioning would matter.  As far as I know there's no correlation between any childhood illnesses.   Give her all the rest of your medical history and see what she says.  If she's really fishing, she'll have to explain why it's relevant .  If it's about your grand niece then you have given all the information they need.

Good luck,
Paige

[Dena]

I don't think you should provide your complete health history but you can limit yourself to known issues and chronic conditions. Don't go into detail but just stick to the persons name and the condition. You might provide more detail if you get more specifics about what they are looking for or what she is suffering from. 

This can get a little complicated at times because conditions don't always express the same from generation. An example is my grandmother suffered from parkinson's but my aunt suffers from Multiple Sclerosis. To complicate things farther, my grandmother's sister suffered from schizophrenia. All are conditions that are nerve related however they express themselves in much different ways. Fortunately it appears that my mother didn't inherit the gene.

[Stevi]

Girls,

Thanks for your input and concern for me.  I have sent off an email to my sister.  In it I simply said that other than the occasional infectious diseases like colds and the flu I have had no problems with my physical health.

That is the truth of the matter.  I have been blessed with general good health.  As for my dilemma with revealing any details related to my transition, I left it unmentioned.  If she has not received my coming out letter because it detoured out into cyberspace's bit trash can, I do not want to tip my hand in this context.  If she has received and read my letter, she already knows all I have to tell her at the present time.  If she becomes an ally and a confidant in the matter, I might let her know more.  I do not see how revealing that portion of my history is likely to be of any help to her.

As far as I am concerned the matter is closed.

Now that I have bragged about my good health, I will tell you all that the eye specialist was even more pleased with his cataract work today than the last follow-up visit.  He has turned me back over to my optometrist for a new prescription come the end of the month.  If it matters, I am pleased with his work, too.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Got a call from my youngest sister.  She is surprised by all I had to reveal.   She does not understand it but does not want to cause me any more grief than I have already endured in my life.  She does not agree that I am taking the right action but admits she is really in no position to judge.  She says the new name and look will take some getting used to and expects trouble trying to get with the program.

Her husband is pretty much the same.

During the conversation, she let out that from a comment I made three years ago in a phone conversation and another comment in a recent email to her and the rest of her sisters about another matter in my life that has been really difficult for me, she had put 2 and 2 together and concluded that I had a need to open up to them all about something.  That bit of arithmetic gave another of my sisters the missing unknown for her bit of calculus and she knew the reason why I wanted to discuss the transgender seal video she had posted on her Facebook page.  She had feared I was going to rip into her for promoting such nonsense.  So, she had avoided responding.  Now, she knew the real reason.  That prompted the email to me where we set up the phone conversation where I came out to her.

I thought I was in control of all of this.  Turns out my little sisters were pulling some strings behind the scenes.  God bless them.  I was moving toward coming out but my open minded sister's contact made it easier.

Stevi

[Northern Star Girl]

@Stevi
Wow-whee ....  what a terrific report.!!!! 
It appears that your coming out email is going very well, perhaps better than you expected.
Yes, as you stated about your little sisters:  "God Bless them"

Thank you for keeping us up to date with your postings...
Hugs,
Danielle

[Laurie]

  Hi Stevi,

  I am going to chime in with a bit of personal experience. When I was married my wife and I had 2 children, A girl first and a boy. My son, Kylan, was not developing in the same ways that children do. Oh physically he was fine and active but he didn't talk. He was pretty much okay otherwise. As concerned parents we start becoming concerned. He was born in Naples a few weeks early, at the military hospital there by emergency C-section. He had a bit of difficulties with temperature and oxygen levels. So we thought there might be something there. But test after test and assessments came back negative and that he was a little behind for his age. Eventually they got around to doing some chromosomal tests.
  Finally we got an answer. What my son had was a genetic condition known as Fragile X Syndrome. The tests showed that in I think 17% of his chromosome pairs the X chromosomes looked broken. This syndrome had only been equated to Autism withing the 5 years prior so this was still pretty new. There was nothing beyond special schooling that could be done for him. As he got older he began throwing fits every time he returned home from a ride anywhere. As soon as he recognized the neighborhood his fit began. He was able to pick up several words but never was able to talk in a sentence. When he wasn't throwing a fit he was a lovable kid. He even appeared apologetic after his fits were over. Eventually he became too much for my wife to handle his fits so we placed him in a group home where he could get the care he needed. About 4 years ago he died of a heart condition. I had not seen him in almost 20 years. I try to rationalize that by telling myself that he wouldn't know me if I had been able to visit. Both of these bother me but there nothing I can do about it.
  I told you more than needed. The point of my story is that he had a genetic condition that is passed on from one generation to the next through the X chromosome meaning the female partner. It can go undetected in a female because a female has 2 - X chromosomes and in nature if there is a problem with one there use the other. They either have no symptoms or only mild issues. In the case of a boy offspring they have only 1- x chromosome (from the mother) and if if it a damages one they are screwed and it has to be used. Therefore it manifests itself in a more prominent way depending on what traits are being enabled in it. My son was severely affected.
  My wife has 2 brothers both of whom have mental issues. The other is institutionalized in a controlled  environment as was my son. There other was of a higher skill level and had lived at home with his Mother. My wife was not tested for this condition as she had to be the carrier. Her brothers and Mother were never tested for it either so I cannot say for sure but I'm willing to bet they had it too.
  My daughter who had a 50-50 chance of being a carrier was tested so she could make an informed decision to have children. She was found to not be a carrier and had 5 children all are fine.
  If this testing had been done and they had the knowledge then my wife could have been tested to see if she was a carrier before we had kids.

  This is one scenario where some family history can lead to a diagnosis. Your trans medical history need not be a part of that but other information may be useful to your young relative. Obviously the decision is yours.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Stevi]

Danielle,

Yes, This is going well considering the much worse result I feared.  Still four of them to weigh in.  Three sisters and one brother.  It is good to not be out-right rejected.  Still lots to learn about how we the want to or can interact with me.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing that personal bit of you and your family's history.  I am glad you feel you can share this in the public arena.  While it does not change any of the past, it opens the window into you precious soul just a little further.  I really like what I see there.  Love you, Laurie.

I am familiar with Fragile-X.  A grandson of my most accepting sister has the syndrome.  He is not as drastically affected as your son seems to have been.  Even so, it has had dire consequences on the boy' mother's marriage and her life in general.  As for the boy, he is living a challenged life but, in the right social environment, is happy. When it came to light I, as the more geeky of the brothers and sisters, got involved with learning the ins and outs of it so I could help the family understand it.  My sister struggled with guilt about it for a long while since it does follow the maternal line into boys.  Even girls carrying the Fragile-X syndrome can experience some affect of its presence.  With each succeeding generation, the size of the disrupted portion of the chromosome involved tends to increase and the severity of the syndrome gets progressively worse as it is passed down into sons of daughters and sons of granddaughters. 

I know enough about genetics to know my sister was asking for information that really was not pertinent.  My issue was her motivation.

I learned something of the actual timing of events for my overly inquisitive sister from my youngest sister who called last night.  It turns out, that, my younger sister got my email soon after I sent it on Saturday.  She was going to call me night before last but was interrupted by a call from my overly inquisitive sister.  For what ever reason, my overly inquisitive sister had just gotten or just found my coming out email.  That was after, she had sent out her medical history survey.  So, she did not have any nefarious motivation.  My bad.  I am glad to know she had not attempted such a scheme as I had invented in my own mind.  She was just being herself in doing over-kill and being more thorough than the situation called for.  It turns out I was just being paranoid and this time their wasn't anyone out to get me.

Stevi

[Laurie]

 Hi Stevi,

  I am glad right along with you that the request from your sister was not as you feared.

  It was bitter sweet to find out that you are familiar with Fragile-X. Sweet in finding someone that understands the issues of it. And bitter in that those that are are familiar with it, are usually familiar because of direct experience with it in their family. For that Stevi I am sorry to hear that your family was affected. It is very hard for those affected with it. Especially the females as they need to know if the carry it so they can be prepared for it's ramifications should they choose to have children. I would not want that burden. My own experience with it was hard enough.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Stevi]

Laurie,

Bittersweet, indeed.  It seems we have even more bad stuff in common than previously known.  I hope that is the last of that kind of thing, sister.

Big Hugs back,
Stevi

[Donna]

  Hi Stevi,

  I am going to chime in with a bit of personal experience. When I was married my wife and I had 2 children, A girl first and a boy. My son, Kylan, was not developing in the same ways that children do. Oh physically he was fine and active but he didn't talk. He was pretty much okay otherwise. As concerned parents we start becoming concerned. He was born in Naples a few weeks early, at the military hospital there by emergency C-section. He had a bit of difficulties with temperature and oxygen levels. So we thought there might be something there. But test after test and assessments came back negative and that he was a little behind for his age. Eventually they got around to doing some chromosomal tests.
  Finally we got an answer. What my son had was a genetic condition known as Fragile X Syndrome. The tests showed that in I think 17% of his chromosome pairs the X chromosomes looked broken. This syndrome had only been equated to Autism withing the 5 years prior so this was still pretty new. There was nothing beyond special schooling that could be done for him. As he got older he began throwing fits every time he returned home from a ride anywhere. As soon as he recognized the neighborhood his fit began. He was able to pick up several words but never was able to talk in a sentence. When he wasn't throwing a fit he was a lovable kid. He even appeared apologetic after his fits were over. Eventually he became too much for my wife to handle his fits so we placed him in a group home where he could get the care he needed. About 4 years ago he died of a heart condition. I had not seen him in almost 20 years. I try to rationalize that by telling myself that he wouldn't know me if I had been able to visit. Both of these bother me but there nothing I can do about it.
  I told you more than needed. The point of my story is that he had a genetic condition that is passed on from one generation to the next through the X chromosome meaning the female partner. It can go undetected in a female because a female has 2 - X chromosomes and in nature if there is a problem with one there use the other. They either have no symptoms or only mild issues. In the case of a boy offspring they have only 1- x chromosome (from the mother) and if if it a damages one they are screwed and it has to be used. Therefore it manifests itself in a more prominent way depending on what traits are being enabled in it. My son was severely affected.
  My wife has 2 brothers both of whom have mental issues. The other is institutionalized in a controlled  environment as was my son. There other was of a higher skill level and had lived at home with his Mother. My wife was not tested for this condition as she had to be the carrier. Her brothers and Mother were never tested for it either so I cannot say for sure but I'm willing to bet they had it too.
  My daughter who had a 50-50 chance of being a carrier was tested so she could make an informed decision to have children. She was found to not be a carrier and had 5 children all are fine.
  If this testing had been done and they had the knowledge then my wife could have been tested to see if she was a carrier before we had kids.

  This is one scenario where some family history can lead to a diagnosis. Your trans medical history need not be a part of that but other information may be useful to your young relative. Obviously the decision is yours.

Hugs,
  Laurie

So sorry to hear that Laurie. Losing children by any means is never a good thing. Glad your daughter did not carry the gene

[Laurie]

So sorry to hear that Laurie. Losing children by any means is never a good thing. Glad your daughter did not carry the gene

  Thank you Donna,

  I certainly agree with you. "Losing children by any means is never a good thing." Unfortunately as most already know, both of my children are lost to me along with my 5 grandchildren. It has not been an easy thing to deal with.
  But this is Stevi's thread and it is not about me and my problems. Let's get back to her, okay?

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Stevi]

Yesterday, wedged in the chaos of getting ready to travel to my wife's niece's place and planning for our upcoming first honeymoon (Yeah, that is right.  Been married nearly fifty years.  It is about time.) my wife and I polished her missive to her two sisters to tell them of my transition.   She started the letter more than a week ago.  I made it to the post office for proper postage before they closed the window.

On my family's side, I have had three responses. My second oldest sister and her husband are really good. My younger brother's wife emailed to let me know that she supportive but my brother is tolerant. I doubt he would give me any grief, but he'd soon leave the room if we ended up in the same room at the same time.  My youngest sister called and we talked for some time and I have to classify her "trying to accept" as well. I don't think she would leave the room but our discourse would be difficult.   They are unwilling to condemn me but are immensely uncomfortable with what I have decided I need to do.  I had thought I would have heard something more from the remaining four today but no one else has made contact since Tuesday.

Stevi

[Northern Star Girl]

Yesterday, wedged in the chaos of getting ready to travel to my wife's niece's place and planning for our upcoming first honeymoon (Yeah, that is right.  Been married nearly fifty years.  It is about time.) my wife and I polished her missive to her two sisters to tell them of my transition.   She started the letter more than a week ago.  I made it to the post office for proper postage before they closed the window.

On my family's side, I have had three responses. My second oldest sister and her husband are really good. My younger brother's wife emailed to let me know that she supportive but my brother is tolerant. I doubt he would give me any grief, but he'd soon leave the room if we ended up in the same room at the same time.  My youngest sister called and we talked for some time and I have to classify her "trying to accept" as well. I don't think she would leave the room but our discourse would be difficult.   They are unwilling to condemn me but are immensely uncomfortable with what I have decided I need to do.  I had thought I would have heard something more from the remaining four today but no one else has made contact since Tuesday.

Stevi

@Stevi
Dear Stevi: Thank you for your latest report regarding your coming out emails to your family that you had mentioned in previous postings.
There is no doubt in my mind that you had a difficult time writing on your thread about some of the not so good results... and then the 4 that have never answered with a comment, a question, or anything!!!

Please know that many of us on here have gone through or are going though the same kinds of turmoil trying to have those close to us offer some kind of acceptance and understanding.   Personally I know about this this very well,  After transitioning for 4 years and being full time for well over a year and a half I still do not have any acceptance from my loved ones and family... and my previous best friends for most of my life will not even answer the pnone when I call ... nor answer any emails or letters.   Frankly once you have done, as I have, all that you can to reach out ... the ball is no longer in your court, it is their move.   I still continue to reach out but as time goes by, the pain of rejection will start to fade... or at least, that is what I am told.

Hang in there girl, continue to be strong ... and keep on keeping on.
Thank you for keeping your thread updated and for sharing your life events with all of us.
In your good times we will rejoice with you and in your not so good times we can offer our understanding and support.

Hugs and hugs and hugs.
Danielle

[Stevi]

Danielle,

I have not given up all hope, yet.  It has been longer than I would have liked.  When we talked, my youngest sister, sister #5, told me that sister #4 had sent an email to the others asking what their thoughts were.  I had invited them to talk amongst themselves in the letter I sent to them all, so that was fine by me.  That email was sent almost a week ago, though.  #4 was trying to process.  Are they still working on it?  I know this may take some time to process so I will wait a while longer before writing them off.

I do not expect outright belligerence from any of them.  I do not think they are bad people.  Certainly not mean people.  But I am disheartened to think that I will be unwelcome at any family gathering of any size.  With so few of them being supportive I can't see how any group of them would not have a majority of less than accepting among them.  There seems to be little hope that I will be welcome into the inner sanctum of "the sisters".  As in being included in the circuit of the "sisters letter" or invited to the "sister summit" where they get together at one of their homes to do their girl stuff.  Maybe it doesn't matter because this whole affair may just create a rift that destroys those things for them so they won't happen from now on, anyway.

A big part of what I want out of my transition is to finally be accepted as what I have for so long hidden from all who are important to me.   It is discouraging, more than I thought it would be, to think that may never be the case.  I really hope they surprise me.

Stevi

[Donna]

Sorry to hear all that stevi. I hope things turn around for you. Don't give up, what you are doing is so right for you. I know how your feeling as do
Lots of others here. Be strong my friend