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Stevi's Saga

Started by Stevi, March 19, 2018, 04:20:15 PM

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Stevi

Penny does love her ice cream.  I had a small cup, myself.  It wasn't all that warm here either, Danielle.  Not Alaska cold but chillier than I like it.  But then, 74 degrees is too cold for me.

Our second day of travel brought us from Georgetown, SC to Jekyll Island, GA.  By boat, along the magenta line of the ICW, it is through mostly marshes.  (The route is marked on the charts by a magenta line.) The numerous streams meander through the marsh and the Army Corp of Engineers cut channels through to interconnect them to create the intercoastal waterway in this area.  So what is about 130 miles in a straight line takes what seems like forever as you motor up and down streams and sounds to the next cut to the next body of water.  Doing that at 5 or 6 miles per hour  can take quite a while.  The scenery does not change a lot, either.  this is a section of out travels where we tried to head out an inlet onto the Atlantic to hop around and save some time.  It did not always work out because the wind was on the nose or a winter cold front was due to pass over us.

However, this day we were in the car and made the journey in about six hours with a couple of stops to entertain our selves.  As we travels the highway instead of the waterway, we recalled past time as the crossed over some of the streams we once plied in our boat.

Here on Jekyll Island, we visited another dock we once tied alongside to.  The tide was low and still falling so I walked it alone, since the ramp was very step down to the floating section.  Penny is not all that mobile or sure footed.  About half way town the long dock, I came to a boat with a young couple on board.  The boat was familiar.  It was a smaller, 37 foot, version of our own boat, a 42 footer.  I began a conversation with the couple.  It turned out that they have just acquired the boat, for free, in Oriental, NC, that is where we live now.  The boat was an older boat, built in 1980.  It had been damaged on the port side in Hurricane Florence.  They are in the process of moving it down to St. Augustine, FL, our next destination, as well, for repairs.  We chatted about boat life, traveling the ICW in November in a fiberglass board with no heat, attempting to cross the sounds with 25 knots of cold wind blowing straight at you with no wind break in front of you, turning back to find a safe and comfortable dock to tie to.  Typical cruising life that makes you instant friends because you are "in the same boat."

Penny and I left the marina and drove around the island, triggering memories of past experiences.  After returning to the motel, we went for a walk in the beach in the near pitch dark.  The sun was well down and the moon had not yet risen.  The lights on the buildings here are low level and not directed toward the ocean so as not to confuse the emerging sea turtles.   On the way back from the beach we went for a swim in the 85 degree pool followed by a dash to the hot tub before returning to our room for our night's rest.

This is one of many 65 foot clear bridges that cross the ICW.  In the past, most bridges across the waterway were drawbridges or swing bridges.  Those have been replaced with these high bridges that, as a standard, will allow a sailboat with up to a 65 foot mast to pass through.  The remnants of the former drawbridge can be seen in the photo.  If your mast is taller, you will need to sail out in the Atlantic to make your passage. This one crosses the Jekyll River that separates Jekyll Island from mainland. It is just to the north of the marina and this picture was taken from its dock.




The island is dressed up for Christmas.




Life is good in so many ways,
Stevi
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Donica

thank you for the update Stevi. Your trip is very interesting. The pictures are great. Do they keep those lights up year round or is it because Christmas is getting close?

Enjoy!
Donica.
Rebirth 06/09/2017. HRT 08/22/2017. RLE 07/14/2018. Name and Gender change 10/19/2018. FFS 09/06/2019. GCS 05/26/2021.
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Stevi

Yesterday was a dreary drizzly grey day.  This morning the skies were much more clear and and blue after the front had passed through.  It was a cold front and it brought inn temps in 30's.  We were not in a big hurry to get off Jekyll Island.  Today we had a short trip that brought us into St. Augustine. We have been to this town many times by both land and sea.  It is customary for us to have lunch at Scarlett O'Hara's.  This time was no exception. Scarlett posed for a picture for me.



After lunch and a stroll along the touristy shops we drove across the Bridge of Lions past the anchorage we used to set an anchor in. It is now filled with moorings. That is good in some ways.  More boats will fit in the same space.  They are more secure.  Downside?  Anchoring was free, but a mooring will cost you.

All the times we have visited this town and we never visited any of the beaches  Well, after checking in and getting settled into our room, we remedied than little shortcoming.  We hiked out across the Highway A1A and strolled along some sandy beach.  See?



That is a view under the fishing pier, southward at low tide.

After the walk on the beach, we went for a swim in the indoor pool.  Right now, it is time to set an alarm and turn out the lights.

Tomorrow, we will make an even shorter trip down to Daytona Beach.

Good night,
Stevi
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Stevi

Back from our family cruise with our daughter and settled down a bit in a timeshare condo in Pompano, FL, just the two of us now.  Time for an update.

I have been concerned, worried and apprehensive that things might go all sideways with my relationship with our daughter once she found herself looking at me in all my new glory.  Everything was fine from the very moment I stepped out of the car to help her with her luggage at the airport.  That was the first time she has seen me in a dress.  It was sleeveless with a rather deep v-neck line.  She smiled and we exchanged hugs.  Throughout the cruise, if she was having a problem she didn't show it.  We spent a lot of time out doing things as three women.  We talked of lipstick and nail polish.  Joked and smiled.  Took pictures together.  She did have a couple of pauses when someone asked about who I was with respect to her.  She chose to "not hear the question" one time.  Another time, she gave a vague, "We're family."  That is just as well since there is no real need for strangers to get all bogged down in my history.  I seem to blend readily with no puzzled looks or whispering so it is best to not rock the boat with any response that requires further explanation.  She handled it well though I could tell she had to do some mental gymnastics for a moment or two. 

However, Penny had an opportunity to have a mother-daughter chat with her that lasted a couple of hours in which I was a major topic of conversation from what Penny tells me.  One of our daughter's principle concerns was that Penny and I might separate.  I think Penny helped to alleviate that concern.  Although she appears to be OK, our daughter is still struggling on the inside.  She has questions she wants to ask of me but she can't bring herself to do it, yet.  I do think she is less worried now that she has seen me in the wild and knows that I am getting along well as myself and accepted by others.

I seemed to have been worried unnecessarily.  There is still a ways to go but I think we will get there.

Stevi
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Donica

Isn't that a great feeling Stevi! We go through life facing all these fears and then most turn into a non-event and a BIG relief. Glad the cruse when well for you three.

Hugs,
Donica.
Rebirth 06/09/2017. HRT 08/22/2017. RLE 07/14/2018. Name and Gender change 10/19/2018. FFS 09/06/2019. GCS 05/26/2021.
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Northern Star Girl

@Stevi:
Dear Stevi:
Your update regarding your family cruise and your daughter's reaction to seeing you as Stevi in full bloom for the very first time is so wonderful for me to read.   You are very fortunate with how things have turned out for you with your wife and daughter and all of your additional family member's acceptance.    Not every transitioner has that good fortune....  I am certain that you are counting your blessings.

Thank you so very much for sharing your story about your latest cruise, and also sharing your life journey on your thread.   Certainly your story and your thread are an inspiration to other transitioners that may or may not be experiencing difficulties relationship to their own transition journey.

Thank you for sharing.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Quote from: Stevi on December 11, 2018, 10:41:11 AM
Back from our family cruise with our daughter and settled down a bit in a timeshare condo in Pompano, FL, just the two of us now.  Time for an update.

I have been concerned, worried and apprehensive that things might go all sideways with my relationship with our daughter once she found herself looking at me in all my new glory.  Everything was fine from the very moment I stepped out of the car to help her with her luggage at the airport.  That was the first time she has seen me in a dress.  It was sleeveless with a rather deep v-neck line.  She smiled and we exchanged hugs.  Throughout the cruise, if she was having a problem she didn't show it.  We spent a lot of time out doing things as three women.  We talked of lipstick and nail polish.  Joked and smiled.  Took pictures together.  She did have a couple of pauses when someone asked about who I was with respect to her.  She chose to "not hear the question" one time.  Another time, she gave a vague, "We're family."  That is just as well since there is no real need for strangers to get all bogged down in my history.  I seem to blend readily with no puzzled looks or whispering so it is best to not rock the boat with any response that requires further explanation.  She handled it well though I could tell she had to do some mental gymnastics for a moment or two. 

However, Penny had an opportunity to have a mother-daughter chat with her that lasted a couple of hours in which I was a major topic of conversation from what Penny tells me.  One of our daughter's principle concerns was that Penny and I might separate.  I think Penny helped to alleviate that concern.  Although she appears to be OK, our daughter is still struggling on the inside.  She has questions she wants to ask of me but she can't bring herself to do it, yet.  I do think she is less worried now that she has seen me in the wild and knows that I am getting along well as myself and accepted by others.

I seemed to have been worried unnecessarily.  There is still a ways to go but I think we will get there.

Stevi

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KathyLauren

Thanks for the update, Stevi.  It sounds like you raised your daughter right: she handled the questions with aplomb.  She may still have questions, but I am guessing all will be fine.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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steph2.0

Quote from: Stevi on December 11, 2018, 10:41:11 AMI seemed to have been worried unnecessarily.  There is still a ways to go but I think we will get there.

This is all such good news, Stevi! This is all hard enough without family problems. Having an accepting daughter takes off so much pressure. Much of the credit can be given to the way you raised her. Congratulations for bringing such a lovely person into the world.

You done good, Mom.


Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019
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Stevi

#468
Thanks girls,

My transition has turned out remarkably well.  Few absolute losses.  All vital persons in my life are still there.  Beyond that, most are supportive or, at the very least loving, if unable to be embracing.

QuoteYou done good, Mom.

I know I raised her well.  She turned out to be a very good person.  I will take all the credit I deserve, no matter how little that might be.

I like the Mom part of that thought, but I doubt I will ever have the type of relationship my wife has with our daughter.  I am convinced I will always be the "Daddy" in my daughter's mind.  As a result, I doubt we will ever have the more heart-to-heart mother-daughter/woman-woman type of conversations the two of them have.  I will always be the one my daughter goes to to fill the more physically protective role and my wife will always be the one she goes to to fill the more emotionally supportive role.  That is quite alright.  As a parent, as any other parent, I will do all I can for my child.  Fate has foisted a particular set of skills, "Daddy skills", to use in that effort.  I will use them to the fullest for her.  If ever a mother-daughter moment comes my way I will cherish it.

Stevi

PS.  I hope you don't mind if I put these thoughts into writing here.  I do it more for myself than anything.
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Stevi

#469
An affirming moment.

First, to put it into perspective.  While on the cruise, I had a bit of a melt down one night.  I had some photos taken one evening.  After the images were available on the ships intranet, I took a look at them.  The poses were full length.  I was disgusted when I looked at them.  I saw a man in a dress.  I had a bad night but managed to resurface the next day.

Yesterday, Penny and I were in the grocery store to get a few things for our stay here at the timeshare this week.  Penny sent me off to find an onion and a couple of potatoes.  While standing in front of a bin of russets, dressed in a blue on white floral patterned, full skirted, sleeveless dress, I was rummaging through them to find the ones I wanted, I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard an "Excuse me."  I turned to face a man.  He said, "You're hot!." He then turned and walked away.  All I could do was say, "Thank you."

I related the incident to Penny when I delivered my onion and potatoes to the shopping cart.  I had to fess up when she asked what the big grin was all about.

Stevi
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Donica

<<<SQUEEEEE!!!>>> Isn't that the best feeling Stevi! By the was your new avatar looks I'd say you rocked his world.

BTW! I think you just may have one of those mother/daughter moments before you know it. And may more in the future. I was surprised at how close my daughter and I have become.

Congratulations girl!
Donica.
Rebirth 06/09/2017. HRT 08/22/2017. RLE 07/14/2018. Name and Gender change 10/19/2018. FFS 09/06/2019. GCS 05/26/2021.
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Stevi

In the spirit of full disclosure.  The good the bad and the ugly----

It seems I live in a more fragile condition that I thought.  As a general rule, these days I am quite happy.  I have, I think, successfully made my transition.  I live my days as my authentic self and rarely give it much thought, anymore.  Surely different than it was when I first began to venture out as a pale imitation of a woman before Penny knew what was going on.  The mind constantly swirling with thoughts and doubts.   Still, the crashes can be only one misstep away.

I had a bad time this past week over a couple of unflattering photos.  It was a really nasty bump in the road.  From this vantage point it was silly of me.

This morning was another really nasty bump.  I will be as delicate as I can about this.  My wife and I are intimate.  Normally, I resort to a device to stand in and do not even try to manage on my own.  This morning my wife surprised me when her efforts proved to be particularly stimulating.  For me that intimacy is a complex mix of pleasure for me, desire to please her, physical discomfort, sometimes pain, and psychological gymnastics to deny the role I am actually filling and substitute another.  I need to focus on the better part of that mix to keep it together.   I lost my focus and the situation rapidly deflated.  My wife was disappointed and shut down.  I was angry with myself for failing her, even for trying.  Mentally we both went to bad places.  Neither could find the words or actions that were needed to close the chasm.

I spiraled down to a place I have not visited in a very long time.  I found myself estimating the distance from the railing of the 7th floor landing to the lobby of this timeshare condo.  I wondered if that was enough to be sure the result would be complete.  I wondered how long it would take for resolve to change to regret.  How much terror could be contained in those few seconds.  Would I feel any pain between the moment of impact and the end of my existence?  I pulled the drapes closed and laid in the darkness weeping.  Hating what I am.  Hating myself for the choices I have selfishly inflicted on my wife, on our relationship, on our future.

I do not know quite how, but we did finally find some words and some actions to close the chasm.  I am in a better place, now, but far from my best place.

Penny is in the next room watching some TV program.  Before I post this I need to think about it.  I am going in to cuddle up with her for a while....

..... off to bed we go.

Good night,
Stevi
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Donica

Oh Stevi! I'm so glad you are in a better place now. Even though I'm no longer married, I still beat myself up over these same issues. I pushed passed that edge but my choice of device did not function. I'm now so very glad it didn't because everything is so much better now. I still struggle with this as I can't believe that I even did that. I didn't even think of what this would have done to my wife and kids. Not being there for my kids would have been far worse.

By the context of your post in your thread, You two seem to love each other deeply, enough so that moments like this end up as water under the bridge, fading memories of the past and wonderful new memories of the present and future. We are finally able to be more of our true selves and that helps me to stay positive.

Hugs,
Donica.
Rebirth 06/09/2017. HRT 08/22/2017. RLE 07/14/2018. Name and Gender change 10/19/2018. FFS 09/06/2019. GCS 05/26/2021.
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Stevi

Donna,

Thanks for the hug.  I needed that.  Today was a bit better.  I am still circumspect but not distraught.  We spent most of the day doing things together.  That always helps.

We do love each other.  If we didn't the journey would have been entirely different.  It is likely we would have parted ways a long time ago if we did not.  The path we have been on had far too many painful moments to have overcome without love.  There will be more difficult times, I'm sure.  I think they will be less frequent and less intense, on average.  I hope there is no outlier among them that turns out to be too intense to overcome.

Thanks for the thoughts,
Stevi.
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Stevi

Fitness Center Lawsuit update.

I have received the edited complaint from my attorneys.  (Yeah, attorneys is what I wrote.  Sounds high powered, doesn't it?)  I found next to nothing to question or comment on.  I will put together my thoughts in an email that should be in my lead attorney's inbox on Monday morning.  Next up is a set of discovery requests and questions to include when the complaint is filed.

My lead attorney is representing me as a victim of discrimination because I am transgender.  The other member of the team is there because our action is related to contract law.  Without laws protecting me against gender identity discrimination in North Carolina we need to use the laws about contracts, consumer protections and tortitous interference (interference in a contract by a third party) to "make him pay" for what he did to me because he did not want to deal with a trans woman.

I had told my led attorney the devil >:-), or maybe it's the bitch :icon_evil:, in me would like to see the defendant's New Year start off on a bad note.  She said she thought it could be made to happen.   

Stevi
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Stevi

Merry Christmas! (Happy Holiday, if you prefer.) And a Happy and Fulfilling New Year!

((((Hugs)))) to all,
and Here's to Ya!
Stevi
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Donica

And to you and yours dear Stevi! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Rebirth 06/09/2017. HRT 08/22/2017. RLE 07/14/2018. Name and Gender change 10/19/2018. FFS 09/06/2019. GCS 05/26/2021.
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Stevi

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steph2.0

Merry Christmas to both you and Penny!


Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019
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Northern Star Girl

@Stevi
Dear Stevi:
I have been very much enjoying reading your recent updates..  This is definitely the season for all of us to find happiness in our lives.  Unfortunately this can also be the season that some find very difficult because of unaccepting and unhappy family relationships....

I hope and trust that you are finding the joy and happiness that you deserve.   

I wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS
and a prosperous and Happy NEW YEAR 

Hugs and as always, Well Wishes
Danielle
****Help support this website by:
Subscribing !     and/or by    Donating !
  
Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.

             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
 
Started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 44 years old & Single
Email: northernstargirl@susans.org
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