Stevi's Saga

[Donica]

It's wonderful to hear that your daughter in on board and ok with your transitioning. It has always been important to me that my children be happy and comfortable with our relationship.

I am following your court battle with the owners of the gym which you and your friend once belonged. It is disheartening to hear that North Carolina has so very few laws, if any at all, in defense of the transgender community. It is time they step out of the dark ages.

Hopefully your case will further add cause to help the unfortunate others who have experienced inhuman treatment at the hands of NC's government and many other states like them. We all to often hear of inhuman treatment to trans people such as the trans women who completed her transitioning but was still treated as a male at the hands of the NC police department. This is shameful and needs to stop.

Stay strong Stevi. The whole trans community is behind you.

[Stevi]

Judi

It was a bit of a relief to actually have a direct conversation with my daughter about me.  I have been so unsure about how to approach her.  I needed to get this resolved but I, also, understood that I needed to let her work at her pace.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Donica,

Thanks for keeping tabs on me and my woes.  The lawsuit has been slow going in many ways.  Just my impatience, I suppose, is showing a little.

North Carolina is a mixed bag when it comes to transgender issues.  We were in the news big time a couple years back with the HB2 fiasco.  There is a substantial contingent of ant-trans people in this state.  Gov. McCrory instigated the law.  The residents rejected him in the next election.  I am convinced the bathroom bill was the straw that tipped the balance against him.  Still, it has been possible to get your gender marker changed on your driver's licence with supporting evidence from your medical team for a while.  It was a bit hit or miss as to how much trouble you had because there was no real clear guidance as to what was sufficient medical backup.  If the DMV personnel you went to were not happy about granting the gender change you could get the runaround.  That has recently been clarified with a new special form just for the purpose of gender marker changes.  That all went through without a peep of objection.  I think, just maybe, those who might not like the idea are aware they may be kicked to the curb in the next election if they object.

I have had my own issue with the fitness center.  It is likely only the owner, himself, that is the problem.  Even that, so far, has been non-confrontational.  I did not sense any problems with the staff.  For the most part, from my limited experience, I think the general population of North Carolina is c'est la vie, if not outright supportive, about transgender men and women.

I don't know how this will all turn out.  Worst case, the judge just dismisses all my complaints.  We are using laws to correct a wrong they were not intended for when they were written.  Breach of contract.  I can't see how this is not a breach of contract but my opinion doesn't count for a lot.  The judge might conclude that asking about transgender policies was sufficient grounds for the defendant's action because any transgender person using the facility is inherently detrimental to the facility's interests.  Consumer protection laws.   Those were drafted long before the transgender issues became prominent.  Will the judge be willing to apply them to my case?

In the communication I received from the defendants I was told North Carolina law did not require them to accommodate me.  They never asked me what I wanted or needed.  I think the defendants failed miserably to work out a mutually acceptable set of terms.  I have no idea what kind of a defense they will mount.  The defendants might ask to settle it out of court, in which case, I suspect they will try to throw me a bone.  If they had responded favorably when I first asked them to reconsider their first, drastic action of terminating our membership, I would have been amenable.  No longer will I just go back to what I had before this all went south.  From this vantage point, I am disinclined to settle.  I am in a bit of a crusade, I think.

Until we are further down the road, I have no idea if this will do anything at all other than make a 15 minute stink in the media.

In for a penny, in for a pound,
Stevi

[Dena]

The point is you were willing to renegotiate the contract to reach terms that were agreeable to both of you. Without showing good faith, you membership was canceled without consulting you. A contract is an agreement between two people and one can't just say I changed my mind. You made your best effort to preserve the contract, the health club for what ever reason didn't. A judge that decides otherwise will be overturned on appeal.

The only exception to this is if he contract contains a cancellation clause which it appears your didn't. Big mistake on the health clubs part and in this case, it should cost them.

[Stevi]

Dena,

Thanks for your comment.  The contract does have a cancellation clause.  It specifies two possible causes.  One is non-payment of dues.  Not the case.  In fact, he refunded unused dues in the form of an, as yet, uncashed check at the time he terminated the membership. The other is for cause where, in the opinion of the owner (the defendant), I have done something that he construes to be detrimental to the facility or its membership.  This is a slippery clause.  My attorneys assure me he cannot be capricious in the determination what constitutes "detrimental".  I just don't know if my asking to discuss my continued use of the facility as a transgender woman will be considered sufficient cause for termination.  I most definitely think it does not.  But a transgender hostile judge may not take my side.

I think I handled the situation with consideration for all concerned.  From my perspective, his actions were rash.  I asked for him to reconsider and I was unceremoniously dismissed.  The language of the complaint unequivocally asserts that his motivation was transphobic.  His, albeit scant, communication with me has tell-tale signs, such as his refusal to use my new legal name, of his transphobic animus. 

I am, obviously, hoping for the best.  All the while expecting the worst.  I have learned that what seems most reasonable to me often gets other people's panties all in a bunch.

Stevi

[Dena]

Consider that the operation of the health club was the same after coming out as it was before. None of the customers complained to management about you. I would say that coming out had no effect on the club. Possible further in your transition that might not be true but for now, there was no reason to invalidate the contract.

[Stevi]

We are expecting a visit from a long time friend this coming week.  As is obligatory, we are doing a bit of cleaning and rearranging in preparation to our best foot forward.  I had a few things that needed to be properly hung in the wardrobe.  I have been putting off ridding it of the remnants of my male clothing.  Those remnants have been squeezed in the furthest end of the wardrobe as time has gone on.  Much of it was the last oversized shirts from when I was still hiding the real me from my family, friends and neighbors.  I haven't even considered wearing any of it since last summer.  On one particular hanger was a tailored suit. I bought it a long time ago specifically for my father-in-law's funeral.  I have worn it a number of times since for special occasions.  I have avoided this task, I think, because of that one item.  It meant something to me because of its association with important events but I could let go of that.  The real problem was what purging that remaining maleness would mean to my wife.  She really liked the way I looked in that suit.  We hugged and shed a few tears, not so much for my loss, but, for hers, before I carefully folded the suit and placed it in the donation bag.  As I was folding all the rest, Penny's eye caught a burgundy red velour shirt that she just loves the feel of.  In exchange for the potential that she will be rubbing her hands on me, I conceded to her insistence that I hang it back in the wardrobe.  After all, women often wear shirts with the buttons on the right?  Right?  Anyay, it's not a man's shirt.  It is my shirt!

Stevi

[Northern Star Girl]

@Stevi
Dear Stevi:
I think that most transitioners can agree with the issues of purging of the "old" clothing that you described.

Even though when I went full time well over 2 years ago and got rid of all of my male clothes and shoes, once I moved up to the cold climate, out of necessity in the bitter cold, snowy and icy weather, I started acquiring a small selection heavy duty warm clothing from "Farm Stores",  "Outdoor" and "Sports" stores....     shirts, pants, hats, gloves, scarves, shoes and boots that for all practical purposes kinda look like men's clothing...  but the shirt buttons are on the left where they belong as they should be for a woman... and when possible more pattern choices, feminine cuts, even some lace or bling,  color choices such as pink!!! ETC, etc. 

In my old job in male mode I always wore  men's suits at work and had several more formal and expensive men's suits...  I had a terrifically difficult time giving all of that away...  almost all of my male friends wore a larger size so the thrift stores and charities got the benefit of my "gifts"   
I had thought incorrectly that I wanted to keep some of my best suits for formal occasions but that was not going to happen because for me, there was no going back...  I have been living as a full-time woman with a closet full of women's clothing...  no more men's clothes to bring back memories from the past....

... but of course, I don't have a spouse that has desires for me to keep some of my old sentimental clothing...   as you have done, you better heed to her wishes!!!!

Thanks for posting and sharing....   
HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

[Donica]

Dear Stevi. That reminds me, I still have some old "him" shoes to donate. I have purged all but a pair of blue jeans I thought I'd keep for those real dirty jobs around the house. Maybe they will go too. I have new ladies grunge jeans to take the place of the old ones.

Oh and BTW! I've always thought women look sexy wearing nothing but their man's button down. Right or left.

Hugs.

[Stevi]

Today, as part of the the service at the Unitarian Universalist fellowship my wife and I attend in New Bern, I shared the following as both a source of Joy and a cause for concern.  When I finished, most of the membership in attendance applauded.  A number of them stood while doing so.  I am gratified that I have found a community where I am so whole-heartily accepted.

Today is March 31th.  Today marks the eleventh INTERNATIONAL TRANSGENDER DAY OF VISIBILITY, created by transgender advocate Rachel Crandall. This day, which is observed every year on March 31st, is intended to raise awareness about transgender people, bring attention to the discrimination and violence we face –but also to celebrate our successes and triumphs. This day is a time to celebrate transgender people around the globe and the courage it takes to live openly and authentically, while also raising awareness around the discrimination transgender people still face.

In other news, three days ago, three bills were introduced in the North Carolina House of Representatives.

HB 514 seeks to expand anti-discrimination protections into more areas of public life for all of us and include all LGBTQ persons in the classes protected.

HB 515 is a long overdue complete repeal of HB 2 from 2016 and its farcical repeal by HB 142.

HB 516 is intended to protect minors from the child abuse of "conversion therapy" to "fix" LGBTQ children.

There is much to be done to move these bills to actual laws.  This is a start. Please help any way you can.

[Northern Star Girl]

Today, as part of the the service at the Unitarian Universalist fellowship my wife and I attend in New Bern, I shared the following as both a source of Joy and a cause for concern.

@Stevi
Dear Stevi:

Wow, a wonderful report, but unless I am missing something, what is your cause for concern?

Hugs,
Danielle

[Stevi]

Danielle,

My cause for concern is that the North Carolina Senate is dominated by republicans.  This effort is not very likely to succeed.  It is, however, a first volley.  The battle will eventually be won.  My concern is for just how long it will take.

Stevi

[Stevi]

An update.

It has been a while since I left any tidits here.  Life has been good and I have been busy living it.

On the lawsuit front.  I got word from my attorney that the defendants received the complaint on March 5th.  That started the clock for them to answer the discovery within 30 days (or ask for an extension).  I have not heard anything further.  Thirty days is this coming Wednesday.

I have had a couple of conversations with Penny about surgeries.  GRS and facial work. They went well.  She indicated that she has, for quite some time, expected that I would have GRS done, eventually.  So, she has been resigned to the eventuality for a while.  It is not something she really wants but she, frankly, fears that I would come to be resentful if she tried to stand in the way or give any ultimatums that would stop me from doing what I think I need to do.  She is well aware that sexual functionality as it used to be will never return so there is not a lot of benefit to her for me to keep the guy around.

My concern is that she has effectively put the potential blame squarely on me if we lose our sexual intimacy.   My wife is decidedly hetersexual.  I fear that she will not be interested, even worse, repulsed, if I do not have at least the form of a man.  She cannot give me much in the way of assurance that she would be able to intimate.  I understand that it is hard to know until she actually faces the reality of it.

I have taken so much from her with all that I have needed to do.  Must I take this last bit from her?  I have been managing.  But, it is getting harder to ignore the constant reminder.  I am reminded first thing in the morning when I have to "arrange things" to get dressed.  Every time I visit the restroom, I get the feeling I an interloper, a deceiver.  I have to be self-aware to be sure that no one learns more about me than I want them to know.  I don't want to have to be so self-conscious and circumspect about it.  Most of my life is lived with hardly a thought about my gender.  Except for this.  The constant gender noise I heard in my head for so long is mostly all gone, except for this.

I am moving forward on investigating the insurance situation.  Typically, everyone I have talked to so far have given me different variations of the insurance coverage.  I now have in hand a 180 page document that I am trying to find all  the pertinent sections in so I can call someone and talk to about each one.  There is no way, it seems, to be able to contact he same person you spoke with before.  I will need to train myself to be the expert.  There has got to be some fly in this ointment, I just know it, but I have been told I can get the major part of GRS costs covered.  Facial surgery will be at my own expense, if I go for it, since I see no way that it will be deemed "medically necessary."  I am seriously considering doing a bit of a facelift.  I do not have an overly masculine face shape.  No Adam's apple to speak of.  Brow ridges are not terribly prominent.  Just the removal of the tired, worn out look would suffice, I think.

On a more positive note, a couple weeks back Penny and I attended a transgender group's meeting in Myrtle Beach, SC. There we met a transgender woman, W, who was there for the first time.  She is slightly older than I.  She is married, 34 years, and trying to keep her marriage together.  After the meeting, my wife passed her contact information to W to pass on to her wife.  A couple of days later, we got an email from W.  We exchanged a couple more emails.  Penny and I invited W and her wife for lunch.  We met whe next day at noon.  We had lunch and sat in the restaurant for a couple hours.  Then we invited them over to our condo for a while.  All together we spoke for over five hours.  We  shared our experiences with them.  We felt it was important to know that it did not have to be the end of their world if they did not wish it to be.  We have had some subsequent contact and it seems that we have had some positive affect.

One of Penny's biggest difficulties with my revelation and transition was finding cause for hope that it could turn out well.  She is trying to show others in like circumstances that it is not hopeless.  While it may not be easy, it is possible for a couple to survive with their relationship intact, even, stronger than before.

Now, back to the regularly scheduled program,
Stevi

[Laurie]

  Stevi,

  I cannot say I have been keeping up with anyone's journeys. Heck I don't think I am keeping up with mine as it feels stalled. I wanted to say thank you for your updates. both with your UU church and your thoughts shared in the last post. I want to congratulate you for your compassion and thoughtfulness towards. I also applaud you and Penny for helping that new couple and being a source of support for them. I do believe that relating our or stories and being someone to answer to those new folk that are obviously struggling can help in way we may never know. So good job to both of you. And thank you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Stevi]

Laurie,

Thank you for stopping by.  I have missed you and been worried a bit about you.  I understand some of the reasons you have been less of a presence around these parts.

I know you got a lot out of your opportunities to be of help to so many of us here.  I thank you for what you did for me.

Thinking about you,
Stevi

[Laurie]

Awwww Stevi Thanks (blush)  I don't think I did that much here . I just tried to be apart of the community. I got a lot of help here myself and tried to give some of it back. I found my time here as a member and as a mod were very rewarding. I find it extremely sad that me feeling of camaraderie here was destroyed so easily over a disagreement. My joy I had of being apart of this sight is gone. I still like to check in for a few minutes when I can and see how you all are doing. It is spotty at best and my posts are few. Though I wish you all the best I have for all intents and purposes lost my connection with this site.
  Just keep up the good fight Hun and I'll be in and out occasionally.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[LizK]

....
My concern is that she has effectively put the potential blame squarely on me if we lose our sexual intimacy.   My wife is decidedly hetersexual.  I fear that she will not be interested, even worse, repulsed, if I do not have at least the form of a man.  She cannot give me much in the way of assurance that she would be able to intimate.  I understand that it is hard to know until she actually faces the reality of it.

I have taken so much from her with all that I have needed to do.  Must I take this last bit from her?  I have been managing.  But, it is getting harder to ignore the constant reminder.  I am reminded first thing in the morning when I have to "arrange things" to get dressed.  Every time I visit the restroom, I get the feeling I an interloper, a deceiver.  I have to be self-aware to be sure that no one learns more about me than I want them to know.  I don't want to have to be so self-conscious and circumspect about it.  Most of my life is lived with hardly a thought about my gender.  Except for this.  The constant gender noise I heard in my head for so long is mostly all gone, except for this.

...
Now, back to the regularly scheduled program,
Stevi

I have enjoyed catching up on your thread and you talking about GCs reminded me of the issues I had prior to surgery. Like you, my "little guy's" only function for such a long time and for the foreseeable future was as a conduit for basic bodily functions and I really didn't need it for that. My wife I  think, was similar to yours in that she knew GCS was inevitable and expected it. She made her position quite clear...she was Hetro and not going to change... I think from my experience that the loss of touch and cuddles is harder than I thought. I hope you and your wife are able to maintain at least a modicum of physicality to your relationship. I think as human beings we are hard wired to want this and probably need it for good mental health .

I can relate to your description of "gender noise" and think as trans women(or men) we have a lot of this where our cis counterparts don't experience it at all. To find it quietening is such a positive thing to have happen in your life and can understand you wanting it gone completely. I hope you can navigate your way to this and keep your relationship in a good place.

Liz

[Donica]

Dear Stevi! You have certainly said a mouth full. I'm probably not the best person to talk about relationships as I have since gotten divorced. I can only say that time will tell. Most importantly keeping the communication channels open with Penny and just be honest with each others feeling and concerns.

Kudos to NC for at least acknowledging the need for more and better human rights. Damn the republicans. They're on their way out anyway.

I truly hope you and Penny are able to work this out together. I personally know more than one couple that have fully transitioned and are enjoying a closer and happier married relationship. It does happen.

[Stevi]

Back home, now, from Wilmington and our therapy appointments.

My appointment covered a number of issues.  Not problems.  More of a report for the most part.  But, there was one topic that was important.  GRS.  I recalled my discussion with my wife on the subject.  I have already written about that up thread.   Basically, Penny is not enthusiastic about it. She is resigned to it.  Thinks she will be OK with it.  While I understand her response it lacks an explicit commitment to live with the results in an intimate relationship.  My concern is that she will not be able to.  Then, it will be all my fault if it all has gone sideways.  I don't think it is because she won't commit.  I think it is because she can't make a promise to me she may not be able to keep when the possible becomes reality.  To bridge that gap, I will depend on her love for me and trust all will be well.

In that ight, I have decided to take the steps to have GRS.  As my homework assignment, I need to pindown my insurance provider about the necessary content of whatever it is that is needed to establish "medically necessary."   I need to get this done by the first part of May so I can communicate it to my endocrinologist during my next visit as well as my therapist so she knows what to do about a session with a doctor of psychology for a second letter to support the dysphoria justification.  The other thing to do is to find a surgeon.  There is one essential criteria I know the insurance provider will require if I can hope to get reimbursed.  That is that the doctor must be "eligible for Medicare."  I have already emailed Dr. Keelee MacPhee who practices here in North Carolina to see if she qualifies in that regard.  If she does not, I will check on other possibilities.

Onward I go,
Stevi

[Stevi]

It has been a while since I made any entries here.  Things have been going well, mostly.

First, an interesting development.  Penny was, for a long time, hung up on the idea of her being seen by others as a lesbian.  Over time that has faded quite a bit. Along the way I told her I would not take her role as a wife in the relationship.  I would identify myself as her partner or spouse but not her wife.  I would use Ms as my title.  Well, today, she told me it was OK with her if I wanted to use the honorific- Mrs.

I changed electrocutioners.  The one I was using was located in the nearest "city".  About 45 minutes travel time to and again back home.  After about five hours of work, I did not see any evidence that a single hair had been executed.  I have located another electrocutioner about twice as far away.  I had a one hour session last week.  I am scheduled for a two hour session tomorrow.  In have purchased a bucket of lidocaine cream for the occasion.

I have been trying to get straight answers out of my health insurance about what is covered with respect to GRS.  Well, I got specific diagnosis codes and CRT codes and made another call.  I have been told that I will either have to find a surgeon that accepts Medicare assignment or, maybe, they will reimburse me the amount of the Medicare assignment since I will need to pay the surgeon the full amount up front.  The insurance provider can't (so they say) tell me beforehand what amount the Medicare assignment might be.   I have an appointment in  couple weeks with my doctor so I'll see if there is any way she can get the information.

I have made arrangements for a visit with two of my sisters right after Memorial Day.  I am traveling to my accepting sister up in Wisconsin.  The one sister that expressed a need to talk about things in person will fly in to join us for about four days.  I am a little apprehensive but I am pretty sure all will turn out well.

I have received some email communication from my oldest sister.  She refuses to use any form of my name in any of it.  She has referred to me in the masculine third person.  (Some of the emails were addressed to other family members.)  It angered me and I considered ripping into her.  Trouble is the communications were dealing with some stressful circumstances surrounding a battle for custody of her grandson in the courts.  I would have come off as "petty" if I opened my mouth about it.  I have decided to let is pass for the time being.  The reason she was emailing the family was that she was asked, by social services, for contact info for a number of people, including her brothers and sisters.  I wanted her to tell me what she had told them about me.  Specifically, what name did she give them for me.  I do not wish to make things any more difficult for her, in the event they do contact me, than they already are.  She did not give me an answer.  So it is on her.  I'll just have to muddle through if I get a call. For now, I'll let it go and I'll see how the visit with my other two sisters go before I consider complaining.

The lawsuit is slowly moving along.  The Defendant has asked for a thirty day extension to respond.  That was granted by the court.  The new deadline is May 4th.  Impatiently waiting is my part of this process for now.

I hope all of you are doing well.

Stevi