Catch 22 situation here[emoji26]

[coconutballoon]

First of all sorry fir the long post. [emoji52]
I've been seeing a therapist since September 2017 for gender related stuff. Ever since then I've been feeling guilty of wanting to transition and come out to my family. Right now it is easy for me to hide everything from them as my family and I live in different countries. I feel guilty because I am the only child in my whole big family (grandpa, mom, dad, dad's brother and his wife, dad'sister and her husband). They have worked very hard throughout their whole lives to reach where they are now and have worked hard for me too to send me to a foreign country for my studies. Even though I have pretty much taken care of myself (both funancially and physically) since i was 17, I still feel that I am crushing their hopes and dreams by wanting to transition. I want all of them to have a relaxed and happy old age because they deserve it and I feel that if I transition it will not be the case for them. All their hopes are literally in 1 basket (me). I will definitely pay off all the money they spent for me to be here (already halfway through) but I want to do a lot more than that for them.
They definitely will not understand me being trans and will be SERIOUSLY dissapointed. My parents will either disown me or be very angry or go into kind of hopeless depression and I do not want to be the cause of that. They have done a lot for me and I want to return a lot more than what they have done. I do not feel obligated; I sincerely want to make their lives as relaxed as possible and I know that if I transition or even come out it will be bad for them. But at the same time I feel that I need to transition too. I already regret that I didnt "find myself" earlier and did not start transitioning. Both these needs are equal to me (transitioning outweighs other by a little from time to time) but I'm pretty sure that doing one will not let me do the other. Other being setting up a peaceful retirement for my family.
I'm really really confused about what to do. I want to start transition now at least the hrt and the surgeries can wait a couple of years; but, I do not want to disappoint my family, especially after everything they've done for me.

Thanks for the help! ☺
XO

Sent from my SM-G935W8 using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry that you are feeling so stressed over this.

If you didn't transition, would your parents and family feel happy and relaxed?  I know that this is what you want for them, but would they be able to achieve it if you were miserable and depressed? 

Happiness is something that you share.  You can't share it if you don't have any yourself.   You can't put your own happiness last.  It doesn't work that way.  The idea of sacrificing yourself so others will be happy sounds noble, but it just makes everyone miserable.

Nothing is gained by self-sacrifice.  You have to be whole and healthy to be worthy of their hopes, and you can't be that if you deny your own self.

Dysphoria has a way of asserting itself.  If you don't do something about it, it will just get worse.

[Allison S]

Sounds like you have a hard journey in life. I take it that you will pay what you owe. Maybe you'll give yourself what you owe yourself in life too? Sorry if that's reduntant or doesn't make sense. I just think everyone deserves to go down their path. Family standing in the way is something that I can relate to... yet here I am, after years of contemplating, I'm finally changing in front of their eyes. They can either take me for who I am or not... I just want to love myself for once

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Corrina]

I am in a hard situation myself but for you to be depressed and miserable would make it harder to become successful. I am not one to give advice since I'm trying to figure this out myself. I think to move on and make everyone happy in the end is we were honest with ourselves and our families. Good luck.