Ugh, my grandma

[Liam_Robin]

I really just need to vent about how my grandma treats me. For some background, I've had a very strained relationship with my grandma for at least thirteen years now. I'm not the only person in the family who doesn't get along with her, but I seem to get it the worst. It hasn't gotten any better in the year she's known that I'm trans.

I honestly wasn't going to tell her at first. I knew her stance on trans people, and it wasn't good. She used to live half way across the country from me, and I never saw or spoke to her. She moved to a town half an hour away from me right around the time I began coming out to family, though. I had a long talk with my parents about my reluctance to come out to her, but we agreed that it would be impossible for me not to tell her, given that she lives so close now, and there were times I'd have to see her.

With my permission, my mom was the person who told her. At first, she seemed to take it well. The first thing she did was ask my mom if she thought my uncle (who passed away when I was 10) was also trans. She hugged me and told me that she loves and supports me. That didn't last long.

The next few times she saw me, she wouldn't say a word to me. Not even a "hello." I tried to ignore it. Last summer we went on a vacation with her, and my aunt's family. She repeatedly called my sister and me "the girls," and refused to call me anything but a nickname for my birth name. I told my mom about that, and I know that she talked to her.

Fast forward to last month when I had top surgery. My mom made a family group chat so everybody could know my progress. My grandma's only reply in the chat was "💔😭". My mom made a point to respond to everybody else's replies, and ignored my grandma. I know that my mom is getting as fed up with her as I am.

Honestly, I would have preferred if she just stormed out of my house the day my mom told her, rather than fake acceptance.

I think that my grandma sees a lot of parallels between my uncle who passed away and myself. That's been my reasoning for her behavior for a very long time. I can't confront her about it though, because she takes everything as a personal attack. The rest of my family and my friends have been amazing, I just wish that she could get over whatever it is she feels towards me, but I don't think that's gonna happen.

[Cassi]

What's the pecking order of you and your siblings?

[Liam_Robin]

I'm the oldest at 25. My sister is 22, and my only sibling. My sister is one of the few people in the family my grandma doesn't seem to have any problem with. Though my sister doesn't understand why she favors her over almost everybody else minus our young cousins.

[Cassi]

I'm the oldest at 25. My sister is 22, and my only sibling. My sister is one of the few people in the family my grandma doesn't seem to have any problem with. Though my sister doesn't understand why she favors her over almost everybody else minus our young cousins.

That's what I figured.  I'm also the eldest and was my grandmother's favorite.  I have to say she did more for me than my siblings.  And you were her granddaughter - aka "The Special One" not meaning special in regards to your change but to her as her granddaughter.

I think if I were in her shoes and not familiar with Transgender as I am now, and my favorite grandson or granddaughter was no longer my grandson or daughter I would be internally distraught.

Perhaps, a heart-felt meeting explaining that your love for her as your grandmother means so much and that deep down you're sure (and I'm sure she would) that she wants first and foremost for you to be happy.

Just a thought(s)

[Liam_Robin]

I initially thought the same thing, and I have no doubt that part of the reason is that she doesn't understand. I think our relationship started to deteriorate when I was 11 or 12, though. Long before I even knew I was trans.

I've tried talking with her, but she's a very difficult person to have a meaningful conversation with. She either completely shuts down if she doesn't like what she's being told, or she takes it as an attack if the conversation gets too serious. I've even offered her pamphlets I got from PFLAG, because I thought she could read them in her own time and come to me when she was ready. She didn't want them.

I'm just kind of at the point where I don't want her around me anymore, because I've done everything I could think of to get through to her.

[meatwagon]

if you don't live with her, then you can probably avoid her.  if you live with your parents and they are understanding of your situation as they seem to be, tell them how you feel and let them know that these interactions with your grandma are doing more harm than good.  make excuses to be out of the house when she's going to visit, don't take part in social media things where she's present, and if you feel like you can do so without making the problem worse, tell her--or have your parents tell her--that until she's ready to treat you more respectfully, you would rather not be around her to receive the kind of treatment she's been giving you.  understanding why other people are upset by a family member's transition can only go so far.  it takes two to forge and grow a positive relationship, and she is clearly refusing to do her part.  so if she continues to drive you away like that, it's clear that she values her opinions over your relationship and you as an individual imo.  and regardless of her reasoning or whatever's going on in her mind, you need to do what's best for you and not simply accept that kind of treatment from people no matter who they are.  in the end, it only encourages them.

[Cassi]

I initially thought the same thing, and I have no doubt that part of the reason is that she doesn't understand. I think our relationship started to deteriorate when I was 11 or 12, though. Long before I even knew I was trans.

I've tried talking with her, but she's a very difficult person to have a meaningful conversation with. She either completely shuts down if she doesn't like what she's being told, or she takes it as an attack if the conversation gets too serious. I've even offered her pamphlets I got from PFLAG, because I thought she could read them in her own time and come to me when she was ready. She didn't want them.

I'm just kind of at the point where I don't want her around me anymore, because I've done everything I could think of to get through to her.

There's a saying that goes something like "Never leave home or a loved one angry - You never truly know if they'll be there when you return".  Same applies to family members in situations like this. 

I like to think that in every negative situation I have had with my family that I have "eventually" taken the high road and have never regretted my actions after they're gone.

[Kylo]

She sounds like she's being passive aggressive, which isn't as bad as she could be.

I mean my surviving (paternal) gran would totally flip if she knew and probably do nothing but complain to all the relatives in earshot endlessly. My (maternal) grandpa is more like "whatever" about it. He's spent years abroad and used to gossip about the kathoey he saw over there so he can hardly be all offended. But my gran would be mortified because a) I'm the firstborn b) she always wanted a girl for her own kid and never got one, and I was the next best thing c) hates men e) used to spend a lot of time trying to get me into frilly dresses and making said frilly dresses to put me in, so I figure she would feel like it was a huge waste of personal and emotional investment.

Maybe yours will come around, but the blanking and ignoring of the new situation isn't a good sign. I wouldn't push it onto her, but just go through transition and live your life and act normal around her if you have to be near her even if she's being difficult. You can't really do much more than that if someone doesn't accept something, they can't be made to. If she makes life hell though I wouldn't bother putting yourself in that situation and just avoid. Some old folks use the excuse of "being old" so they don't have to be polite because they know everyone will put up with them regardless, in which case you end up just having to plug your ears.