Quote from: WhatAmI? on March 23, 2018, 02:30:31 PM
I guess I'm just venting frustration with this post and not contributing anything meaningful to the community, but I just want to scream. Why is coming out so hard?! Why am so afraid to just tell people the truth about who I really am? I'm me, I know who I am; so why do I have such a hard time opening up about it? Why am I so afraid of what others will think when it's me that has to live with who I am?
Sorry to waste space on the forum, but I really needed to get that out.
Life isn't just about how you feel about yourself. That's the hardest part of this whole thing. Whether we want to admit it or not, what other people think about us and how they relate to us matters to us. We are social creatures. Subconsciously and consciously we do many, many things in day to day life to please other people. Because, as much as we fight against it not being the case, the opinions of other people go a long way to determining our own self worth. We look for outside validation.
Part of it is fear. Fear that others' views will change about you. That they will think less about you. And that will lead to you thinking less about yourself. But it's more than that. It's also about control. We control what we want others to see. What we do and say to people is often very calculated. When you come out to people, you lose a degree of that control. You put it in someone else's hands. And that can be very,
very scary. You're putting your faith in someone else that they aren't a complete psychopath, and can understand what you're telling them. That you aren't going to be hurt by doing so. In part it's a defense mechanism.
Coupled with the fact that something like this, once you tell people about it, it puts you on a path. Forces your hand, if you like. It cements a course of action or a way of being that you may not be entirely sure about. And need time to decide what to do. It's pushing that boulder from the top of a steep hill and watching it begin to roll. There's no turning back. That's the scariest part of all. Knowing is one thing, but doing something about it is something else. And coming out to people is a step in that direction. One you may not feel entirely comfortable with.
Sweetie it's very understandable to be scared. It
is hard. Maybe one of the hardest things you're ever going to have to do. It changes your whole world with regard to the relationships you have with people around you. As people we hate not feeling safe. And something like this... is about as far from that as we can get. Because we just don't know the outcome. It might be trivial, and nothing whatsoever to worry about. But there's always that nagging feeling: "What if it isn't?". That contributes to it.
People don't like feeling vulnerable. This makes you vulnerable. Every time you tell someone it makes you vulnerable. It's you stepping out of your suit of armour, maybe for the first time. Maybe throwing away a lifetime of walls, and shells, built up by you to protect you from hurt. To show people only what you want them to see. Coming out and showing people the truth is tearing all that down. It's basically you being naked to the world.
I don't really have any advice for you on how to deal with it, sweetie. I wish I did. Every time I came out to someone I was almost a gibbering wreck with fear. Trying to come up with every excuse in my head to get out of it, and put it off. But in the end, all I could think was... "could the worst someone is towards me when they know who I am be as bad as how I feel about myself being locked up in my head with no one knowing who I am?" And on balance, I figured no, it couldn't. Other people couldn't hate me by knowing as much as I hated myself for knowing, and not doing anything about it.
Courage isn't not being scared. It's being terrified and going through with something in spite of that fear. And I do believe you can be courageous. It is hard, but I believe you have it inside you to deal with that. And to be yourself.
I believe in you. *extra big hug*
