To say I didn't have issues at one point with the metaphysics of what is male and how am I a male, then? would be a lie. And to say there isn't a part of me that wants me to fail would also be a lie. There is, because of all the acting out and harmful stuff I did in my teens, a part that wants to punish myself, or is there when I fail at something to claim I deserve it for whatever reason.
But like any voice, it's up to you whether you take it on board or disregard.
I don't worry much about the metaphysics. Maleness comes in various forms - there's the "idealized" male, there's the impotent male, there's the male who was born with extra chromosomes, the male who is not entirely comfortable with being male, the male who lost his penis for whatever reason, the male with hormonal imbalances, the gay male, and so on... They're all aspects of male that might deal with some of the exact same issues I have. I don't see the ideal male as the only male. I'm definitely not an ideal one.
My raw materials aren't male... I also know that if they're female, they've got some kind of natural flaw or problem that causes me to act in the opposite way to a female in general. Whatever it is that I am, I observe myself in the same way I'd observe an animal in biology class (my academic background) and just watch the sort of things I'm drawn to and do, and feel, from an outside perspective over the course of my whole life. I've seen lots of examples in science studies of anomalous animals behaving differently due to one naturally-occurring reason or another. The "transgender lion" being one of the most recent cases, that lioness photographed sporting a mane and male behavior. Is it a lioness? Technically. But for its own part that lion is male in drive and operation, and even appearance. Its male qualities and drives outweigh the influence of its female cells and chromosomes, so if I were dealing with this lion in captivity, it would need to be treated as a male, since that's exactly how it behaves and operates. Any other zookeeper might give it a female name and refer to it as a female but at the end of the day when he's got to deal with it he's going to do himself a favor and treat it according to its nature if he knows what's good for both himself and the lion. The semantics and regular biological definitions become meaningless with this particular lion.
And it's the same for me. They can call me whatever they want, I could mull it over forever but the fact is, I'm like this lion. The operation and behavior takes precedence over what the description is. So I don't worry that much about it. The voice in the back might be saying but really the lion is female... and the sensible one says, yeah, tell that to the lion. I mean you wouldn't stand in the cage with it and argue with it as to its nature, and that's pretty much where I'm at with myself.
