So I've been a bit inactive the last few days compared to normal. This is partly due to the fact I'm busy preparing for my move back to the UK, busy at work cause it's the end of the school year.
But also because I think I'm beginning lose my lust for transition. I can think of two main reasons. The first is I've been having to fill out a pretty lengthy questionnaire in regards to starting HRT and I've had to delve deep into myself and pull up some memories and feelings I'd rather have left buried. So I feel a bit lousy about that. And also when you're putting down your feelings and thoughts onto paper in a formal, clinical manner, it just looks like I'm being eccentric and crazy. The facts are all there and correct, but they convey little to no emotion. It's taken me 3 attempts so far and I'm still only about 3/4 of the way through.
The other is further talks with my family. My Nanna in particular has told me that my mother is quite upset over the matter (though obviously hasn't told me), with the majority of it over how my Dad will take the news. They both think he will take it very badly, and my Nanna has suggested (though not blamed me) that I may end up rocking the boat of their marriage as my Mum will defend me no matter what, and my Dad has trouble letting go of things.
This has all led to dysphoria that is negative. Negative in the sense the dysphoria is urging me forget it all and carry on being a man (positive would be the urge to transition into a woman).
I go back to have another photo-shoot and likely my first time out in public on Saturday so hopefully that will rekindle my drive. But right now, I feel rather melancholy.
