So I've been a bit inactive the last few days compared to normal. This is partly due to the fact I'm busy preparing for my move back to the UK, busy at work cause it's the end of the school year.

But also because I think I'm beginning lose my lust for transition. I can think of two main reasons. The first is I've been having to fill out a pretty lengthy questionnaire in regards to starting HRT and I've had to delve deep into myself and pull up some memories and feelings I'd rather have left buried. So I feel a bit lousy about that. And also when you're putting down your feelings and thoughts onto paper in a formal, clinical manner, it just looks like I'm being eccentric and crazy. The facts are all there and correct, but they convey little to no emotion. It's taken me 3 attempts so far and I'm still only about 3/4 of the way through.

The other is further talks with my family. My Nanna in particular has told me that my mother is quite upset over the matter (though obviously hasn't told me), with the majority of it over how my Dad will take the news. They both think he will take it very badly, and my Nanna has suggested (though not blamed me) that I may end up rocking the boat of their marriage as my Mum will defend me no matter what, and my Dad has trouble letting go of things.

This has all led to dysphoria that is negative. Negative in the sense the dysphoria is urging me forget it all and carry on being a man (positive would be the urge to transition into a woman).

I go back to have another photo-shoot and likely my first time out in public on Saturday so hopefully that will rekindle my drive. But right now, I feel rather melancholy.

In the end the choice will be yours to make, Kokoro. Are you happy with who you are now? Will you be happy in the future? This is your life and everyone has to live their own lives. What you need and feel must come first and foremost. I have learned this through life and see if here.

Hi Kokoro,

I hope you're not too stressed, I've really enjoyed getting to know you as far as I have. 
   I think its really important not to try and force yourself to do anything you're not comfortable with, that includes transitioning at a pace that outstrips your actual desire to do it.  I don't think people who are transitioning find it hard on good days, they find it hard on 'hard' days - the ones where doubt, judgement and the repercussions of how it will affect family creeps in.  Its days like that, that transgender people must endure and I think you need to be sure that you will be able to deal with those difficult days in order to move forward in a safe way.
  I love that you have found such happiness in expressing your feminine self, and I think your public outing coming up will really give you a boost ( because you look beautiful )
I think it might be wise to get in touch with a transgender support group back in the UK because I think having that physical contact with like minded people might help you construct your thoughts with more cohesion.

Take care,

Sonja x
   

Thank you for the kind words. It really does help

I do feel a bit better now. At least well enough to tackle that form again though I've decided not to send it off until next week.

I'm just going through the days now until I head off to Tokyo on Saturday, not really thinking about transition or gender. Going to work, doing my job, cooking dinner and getting some good sleep. I'm sure I'll be better next week. I'll have had my day out, and I'll be into my final 3 weeks before heading home.