Karen...my journey

[Karen]

Hi everyone... 

It's been a few days since I have been active.   It's been good to follow all of your journeys.

My anxiety levels seem to be coming down with the antidepressants....they seem to be working.   When I missed a day, I was quite anxious and edgy...?   I seem to be doing better and my Dysphoria is not as loud.   That said, the Dysphoria is not gone.

I am still wearing my feminine underthings and can't imagine going back.    I have been traveling with work and sleeping as Karen in my favorited nighty.  It feels so good and hard to go back to male mode in the morning. 

Still trying to find a endocrinologist...but not giving up.

And still working on the couples therapist bookings.   I am happier, so it does not feel so pressing for my wife and I.....but we will need it as time progresses.   

Slow but sure and happier.   Thanks for your support and encouragement. 

Karen

Ps. Had a moment today.  In a conference at work with lots of managers doing a diversity and inclusion session.  The exercise was to tell your story and when you felt you did not fit in.  I did not come out, but did say that I have never felt like I fit.  My table partner told his story and said he always has felt like he fit...like always.  I thought wow...how is that possible.  One person shared they are bisexual.  I looked across the room and felt very alone...and wondered how many people are covering some major part of their identity.   Made me scared to come out.   

[JudiBlueEyes]

Hello Karen.  It seems things are looking up to a degree.  I hope the trend continues.

I can certainly relate to you PS as I never felt as if I fit in at my work either, despite being a manager that was well regarded.  I always felt I was on the fringe.  The feeling of being alone is a very apt description.  Please don't be afraid to come out and be who you are, when the time is right for You. 

Judi

[Jayne01]

Hi everyone... 

It's been a few days since I have been active.   It's been good to follow all of your journeys.

My anxiety levels seem to be coming down with the antidepressants....they seem to be working.   When I missed a day, I was quite anxious and edgy...?   I seem to be doing better and my Dysphoria is not as loud.   That said, the Dysphoria is not gone.

I am still wearing my feminine underthings and can't imagine going back.    I have been traveling with work and sleeping as Karen in my favorited nighty.  It feels so good and hard to go back to male mode in the morning. 

Still trying to find a endocrinologist...but not giving up.

And still working on the couples therapist bookings.   I am happier, so it does not feel so pressing for my wife and I.....but we will need it as time progresses.   

Slow but sure and happier.   Thanks for your support and encouragement. 

Karen

Ps. Had a moment today.  In a conference at work with lots of managers doing a diversity and inclusion session.  The exercise was to tell your story and when you felt you did not fit in.  I did not come out, but did say that I have never felt like I fit.  My table partner told his story and said he always has felt like he fit...like always.  I thought wow...how is that possible.  One person shared they are bisexual.  I looked across the room and felt very alone...and wondered how many people are covering some major part of their identity.   Made me scared to come out.

Hi Karen, I am glad the antidepressants are working for you. It will help keep your mind clear so that you can make better decisions along your journey. It's great your dysphoria has become a little quieter. The fact that it's not gone is telling you that your journey is still evolving and you are not yet where you need to be.

You always sleep as Karen, regardless of what you are wearing. Karen is who you are on the inside. It's good that Your night clothes are helping you feel good.

I hope you find an endocrinologist soon. Have you put yourself in any waiting lists? Sometimes an appointment can pop up unexpectedly.

You being happier will have a positive effect on your wife. If she is anything like my wife, it is probably more painful for her to see you in distress than her having to deal with you being trans. Couples therapy is still a good thing to do. There are very stressful times along this journey. It good to have some therapy to help get through the really hard times.

Don't worry too much about being scared to come out. You will know when you feel ready to do so. When you are ready, it won't feel as scary as it does now. And don't feel pressured to come out at any kind of work related diversity conference because someone else cane out with their secret. You only come out when you are ready and under your own terms. This is your journey and you are in charge.

Happy to see you are feeling better.

Take care,
Jayne

[Alyssa Bree]

Hi Karen!

I just found this thread tonight. You are an amazingly open and genuine woman. I love being able to read how you are progressing - and not only because your experience is so relatable for others here. I can feel your emotions when I read your posts since they are so open on the page. I wish only the absolute best for you and your wife as you take this journey - and I will be following from now on!!


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa

[Karen]

Hello Karen.  It seems things are looking up to a degree.  I hope the trend continues.

I can certainly relate to you PS as I never felt as if I fit in at my work either, despite being a manager that was well regarded.  I always felt I was on the fringe.  The feeling of being alone is a very apt description.  Please don't be afraid to come out and be who you are, when the time is right for You. 

Judi

Thanks Judi

I appreciate you sharing.  It is odd knowing you are loved and valued, yet still don't feel you fit or are on the fringe.   I always thought it was purely lingering childhood insecurities.  Now I know and understand a big part has always been not being aligned between my inside and outside. 

Hugs

Karen

[Karen]

Hi Karen, I am glad the antidepressants are working for you. It will help keep your mind clear so that you can make better decisions along your journey. It's great your dysphoria has become a little quieter. The fact that it's not gone is telling you that your journey is still evolving and you are not yet where you need to be.

You always sleep as Karen, regardless of what you are wearing. Karen is who you are on the inside. It's good that Your night clothes are helping you feel good.

I hope you find an endocrinologist soon. Have you put yourself in any waiting lists? Sometimes an appointment can pop up unexpectedly.

You being happier will have a positive effect on your wife. If she is anything like my wife, it is probably more painful for her to see you in distress than her having to deal with you being trans. Couples therapy is still a good thing to do. There are very stressful times along this journey. It good to have some therapy to help get through the really hard times.

Don't worry too much about being scared to come out. You will know when you feel ready to do so. When you are ready, it won't feel as scary as it does now. And don't feel pressured to come out at any kind of work related diversity conference because someone else cane out with their secret. You only come out when you are ready and under your own terms. This is your journey and you are in charge.

Happy to see you are feeling better.

Take care,
Jayne

Thanks Jayne.  You are amazing and so supportive.   

All is going good, and there is more transition to go.  Oddly, my Dysphoria includes clothes, face, chest and lower parts.  I tuck my genitles all the time, and wish daily they were gone.  It's bearable but the wishes for changes are there.   

I will book the couples therapy this week yet.

My problem with coming out, is my protection of my family.   I am know at work for being very authentic and open...little do they know.  But it makes me just want to talk about it openly.   I have to restrain myself at times. 

Thanks again.  Hugs

Karen

[Karen]

Hi Karen!

I just found this thread tonight. You are an amazingly open and genuine woman. I love being able to read how you are progressing - and not only because your experience is so relatable for others here. I can feel your emotions when I read your posts since they are so open on the page. I wish only the absolute best for you and your wife as you take this journey - and I will be following from now on!!


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa

Thank you Alyssa

You are way to kind.  I am humbled.   

It is nice knowing you are here.  This is an amazing place full of incredible and loving human beings.  This is the one place where I get to be me and share openly. 

Thank you.  Hugs!

Karen

[Karen]

Hi all...

I had the shock of my 5 o'clock shadow coming back.   Booked an emergency laser treatment .  Wholly crap did this one hurt!!!!

But I am happy again  

Talk soon

Karen

[Donna]

That is so weird. With my T dropping I'm sprouting little black hairs all over and my knuckle hair is growing faster. They say it's a side effect of the eligard injection and will reverse, damn I hope so

[Jayne01]

Thanks Jayne.  You are amazing and so supportive.   

All is going good, and there is more transition to go.  Oddly, my Dysphoria includes clothes, face, chest and lower parts.  I tuck my genitles all the time, and wish daily they were gone.  It's bearable but the wishes for changes are there.   

I will book the couples therapy this week yet.

My problem with coming out, is my protection of my family.   I am know at work for being very authentic and open...little do they know.  But it makes me just want to talk about it openly.   I have to restrain myself at times. 

Thanks again.  Hugs

Karen

Hi Karen,
I am happy to hear all is going good. There is nothing odd about what is included in your dysphoria. Everything you listed is common for many of us here. I have recently started seeing my dysphoria as something with layers. As I address the top layer of dysphoria, the next layer reveals itself and becomes a kind of priority. Currently my voice is high on the list. With each layer of dysphoria that I get under control, the total dysphoric effect becomes less and less. I still have a long way to go, but I am beating this slowly.

I hope the couples therapy goes well and both you and your wife find it helpful.

I feel exactly the same way as you at work. I am highly respected both professionally and on a personal level and known for my honesty. It is very hard to continue keeping this secret, but my wife is most important to me and I will go to great lengths to protect her. Only less than an hour ago I was talking with one of my coworkers about something non work related. In the conversation he mentioned that he noticed I haven't been myself lately. He assumed it was just the workplace blues. I wanted to tell him the real reason, but I also had to restrain myself. Figure out the priorities of who needs to know and when. When you finally do come out, hopefully people will understand why yo needed to keep this a secret until the tone was right.

I do understand how hard it is to restrain yourself when all you want to do is introduce the world to the real you.

Hang in there. Work on maintaining a solid and honest relationship with your immediate family. They are most important to you.

Jayne

[Karen]

Hi everyone. 

It's been a tough few days.   My anxiety came back loud over the week end.  Better now.

I am trying to figure out what it was?

- week end with spouse and kids and having to be the "man"...man clothes, no make up
- Mother's Day ...feeling like I will never be a mom and not looking forward to Father's Day.  I am very proud of my kids and family but not looking forward to the man side of Father's Day and all the norms and pronouns
- my first Mother's Day without my mom
- allergies

I am better now.  On a business trip as me, acting and sleeping as me. 

Booked couples therapy and still waiting for endo appointment. 

Can any of you  relate to Mother's day anxiety and dysphoria?

Thanks

Karen

[Jayne01]

Hi everyone. 

It's been a tough few days.   My anxiety came back loud over the week end.  Better now.

I am trying to figure out what it was?

- week end with spouse and kids and having to be the "man"...man clothes, no make up
- Mother's Day ...feeling like I will never be a mom and not looking forward to Father's Day.  I am very proud of my kids and family but not looking forward to the man side of Father's Day and all the norms and pronouns
- my first Mother's Day without my mom
- allergies

I am better now.  On a business trip as me, acting and sleeping as me. 

Booked couples therapy and still waiting for endo appointment. 

Can any of you  relate to Mother's day anxiety and dysphoria?

Thanks

Karen

Hi Karen,
I'm sorry your anxiety has come back loudly. You are probably on the right track with your thoughts on what caused it. It is most likely a bit of everything that all combined to give you the discomfort you experienced.

I don't have kids, so Mother's Day has no personal special meaning to me. I know others experience heightened dysphoria around Mother's Day. With Father's Day, maybe you could come up with an alternative date that celebrates you as a parent without the usual Father's Day norms.

Good news on booking a couples therapy appointment. Any progress no matter how big or small is good progress. I hope you soon get an endo appointment.

Thank you for your update and I'm glad you are feeling better following your weekend anxiety.

Jayne

[Karen]

Hi everyone.  I hope all is good with all of you!

Had a chance to reflect on my recent anxiety and dysphoria.  It was not the Reactine for allergies with the SSRI.   I am pretty sure it was simply not feeling well given allergies / change of seasons, dysphoria and anxiety after being "me" for a period and having to go back to male mode, and Mother's Day...thinking I am not much of a mom and clearly don't feel like a dad with Father's Day coming.  WE NEED TO CREATE A PARENTS DAY

I have been doing work in getting fast tracked to an endocrinologist....it is wild how everything has a lesson.   Lots of anxiety with waiting and wondering...should i or should i not; what if people talk and out me.   Now it is looking like I should have an appointment in July at the latest.  And I am totally good with this next step.  And I have told my story now to at least 8 to 10 medical professionals in my attempt to get appointments, on top of a few others.   

My story is in their hands.  And really....who cares and what is the worst that can happen?  If it gets out and I get to tell people the truth...I am transgender and am dealing with sever gender dysphoria and anxiety.  It's a real thing, and something I have been dealing with and hiding since as early as I can remember.  And.... I am taking it one day and one layer at a time.  My goal is to protect and care for my family and to relieve my dysphoria...to be the best me me yet.   I am loved, and love people, especially humans with a life story of struggle and those that rise and impact the lives of others in incredible ways.

How bad is that? 

Hugs to you all!

Karen.

[Northern Star Girl]

Hi everyone.  I hope all is good with all of you!

Had a chance to reflect on my recent anxiety and dysphoria.  It was not the Reactine for allergies with the SSRI.   I am pretty sure it was simply not feeling well given allergies / change of seasons, dysphoria and anxiety after being "me" for a period and having to go back to male mode, and Mother's Day...thinking I am not much of a mom and clearly don't feel like a dad with Father's Day coming.  WE NEED TO CREATE A PARENTS DAY

I have been doing work in getting fast tracked to an endocrinologist....it is wild how everything has a lesson.   Lots of anxiety with waiting and wondering...should i or should i not; what if people talk and out me.   Now it is looking like I should have an appointment in July at the latest.  And I am totally good with this next step.  And I have told my story now to at least 8 to 10 medical professionals in my attempt to get appointments, on top of a few others.   

My story is in their hands.  And really....who cares and what is the worst that can happen?  If it gets out and I get to tell people the truth...I am transgender and am dealing with sever gender dysphoria and anxiety.  It's a real thing, and something I have been dealing with and hiding since as early as I can remember.  And.... I am taking it one day and one layer at a time.  My goal is to protect and care for my family and to relieve my dysphoria...to be the best me me yet.   I am loved, and love people, especially humans with a life story of struggle and those that rise and impact the lives of others in incredible ways.

How bad is that? 

Hugs to you all!

Karen.

@Karen
Dear Karen:  Yes indeed, Father's Day is quite an emotional and bittersweet event for Fathers that are transitioning or have transitioned.  Do the best that you can, try to cope as well as you can with your emotions in front of your family, after all you are and always will be your children's father.

Oh yeah, planning treatment and even seeing your Endo requires PATIENCE.... usually nothing happens very quickly with those things.

Yes, indeed, your story is in their hands....  and always be proud of who you are and what your plans are for yourself...  the truth always is the correct move, hiding and dysphoria are not a pleasant thing.

Thanks for posting your update....   hang in there girl, patience is required!!!!!
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

[sarah1972]

Hey Karen, as a parent to a sweet two-year-old, I completely understand. I had a bit of a rough time over mothers day since I was really excluded. And I do not want to celebrate fathers day at all.

I did have the same thought you have: Why isn't there a PARENTS' DAY - and to my surprise, there is a parents' day:

This year: July 22nd, 2018

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parents%27_Day

So my plan is to leave mothers day to my wife and I will claim Parents' Day.

Hope this helps,

Hugs,

Sarah

Hi everyone.  I hope all is good with all of you!

Had a chance to reflect on my recent anxiety and dysphoria.  It was not the Reactine for allergies with the SSRI.   I am pretty sure it was simply not feeling well given allergies / change of seasons, dysphoria and anxiety after being "me" for a period and having to go back to male mode, and Mother's Day...thinking I am not much of a mom and clearly don't feel like a dad with Father's Day coming.  WE NEED TO CREATE A PARENTS DAY


Hugs to you all!

Karen.

[Karen]

Hey Karen, as a parent to a sweet two-year-old, I completely understand. I had a bit of a rough time over mothers day since I was really excluded. And I do not want to celebrate fathers day at all.

I did have the same thought you have: Why isn't there a PARENTS' DAY - and to my surprise, there is a parents' day:

This year: July 22nd, 2018

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parents%27_Day

So my plan is to leave mothers day to my wife and I will claim Parents' Day.

Hope this helps,

Hugs,

Sarah

Thanks Sarah! 

OMG.  Parents Day it is July 22nd!   I asked my wife to celebrate on the saturday (vs Sunday) so its just a special day for me and the kids.

Hugs

Karen

[Karen]

Hi everyone..

Just heading home after a business trip.  It's wild being at meetings with other women where you envy and wish you were one of them on the outside, knowing how you feel on the inside.  It's a combination of envy, jealous and a desire / urning.  It makes it hard, bringing up dysphoria and anxiety...not unbearable, but bothersome.   

It is amazing (good and bad) having a definition / diagnosis for it, and thinking back over your life now knowing that you noticed it and felt it all along...but perviously the thoughts, feelings and desires were wrong or shameful.  In the old world the feelings got suppressed, and now they can't be and result in an undeniable.   

It's good and normal, but frustrating.   Thanks to all of you for listening and sharing.

Hugs

Karen

[sarah1972]

Thanks Sarah! 

OMG.  Parents Day it is July 22nd!   I asked my wife to celebrate on the saturday (vs Sunday) so its just a special day for me and the kids.

Hugs

Karen

If you want to celebrate earlier, the United Nations have designated June 1st as Global Parents Day...

I think I stick with July 22nd...

[Jayne01]

Hi Karen,
I'm just catching up on your thread. Great job on managing your anxiety and dysphoria while waiting to see an endocrinologist. July is not that far away. In a few days, you could say it is next month!

Great steps in telling your story to medical professionals, it is also a safe way to build your confidence in coming out to other people. The medical professionals would be bound by their ethics to maintain your confidentiality, so it would be unlikely they would be telling your story to anyone.

Your mind seems to be in a really good place the way you are approaching this. You have an appointment coming up with an endocrinologist, you are mindful of your family and recognise what you need to help yourself. You are doing awesome!

I don't have children, but I can see how Mother's Day and Father's Day would cause you to feel uncomfortable. Parent's Day seems like a great alternative to celebrate your role as a parent.

I know how hard it is to be living between two identities. It is a temporary in between stage until you find the right balance for you. Keep up the good work.

Take care...

Hugs,
Jayne

[Karen]

Hi everyone..  It's been a while and I hope all is great with all of you.

I've been keeping life low key for the past few weeks, trying to take it one day at a time.  My anxiety is lower and my dysphoria less extreme, most of the time.

My wife and I have started couples counselling.  It's been tough replaying our individual fears and frustrations, and hearing her believes that I should be able to chose to carry on like the past 80% of the time or that I am not in the 47% of transgender people that consider suicide.   I know its just her being honest, and also know how hard it is to empathize with what it feels like to be transgender.   We've also been discussing what originally drew us to each other to help understand and find a foundation to move forward from.   While tough, I am glad we are doing these sessions...it helps to know we are taking control and working things through.  We do love each other and the right things will unfold in due course. 

On the day to day front many of my female coping and integration mechanisms are feeling very normal now...longer hair, mannerisms, light make up, women's clothing where and whenever I can integrate it obscurely or privately.  It feels good, and while I long to do more, it sure helps to integrate these pieces into my life.   

It's 4 weeks until my first endocrinologist appointment.  All is set and I am looking forward to it.   All indications are he will prescribe anti androgens, not estrogen.  In my heart I would love estrogen, but I will take it slow and see how I feel. 

Lastly, I binged (sp?) watched all 4 seasons of Transparent.  And watched Janet Mock's documentary.   Both were great.   Transparent was a bit overwhelming at times...waiting until later in life, very messy family dynamics, heart issues preventing physical transition.   On the other hand, there are so many common elements in all our stories, it feels so good to not be alone. 

Thanks everyone for continuing to share and be so supportive. You are amazing.

Love and hugs!!

Karen