Karen...my journey

[Karen]

Excellent news, Karen.

It is a wonderful feeling as you take the first tablet, isn't it?

You'll remember that event forever.

Hugs

Pamela

Thanks Pamela..

It sure does.  July 18, 2018 @ 9 pm to be exact.   

Funny, I kept telling myself to delay taking it.  Part of the self talk that "I am delirious" and all this will go away".   Then I ignored it and I took to first tablet.  Onward we go!

Hugs

Karen

[Donna]

Well my dear friends....

Endo appointment complete...and HRT is now underway.   Exciting and scary all at the same time.

My wife came and was great moral support.  The Endo was incredible...supportive, informative and put complete choice in my hands.   He has started me on Cyproterone, based on my therapists guidance to start with SSRI and T blockers.   In the event it does not work or I want to do it differently, he has also written a prescription for Spiro and estrogen.   I would love to start the full meal deal, but am not sure I am ready for the body changes....I clearly want to emotional changes. 

So, took my first HRT last night, and away we go.   

Any and all shared experiences and advice is always welcome.

Thanks for your care and support.  Big hugs.

Karen

You are going to absolutely love the HRT and everything that goes with it. Great going and glad your wife joined in at the appointment.
PM anytime you like girl

[Jayne01]

Hey Karen!

Belated congratulations! Sorry I missed the beginning of your HRT ride, and it is one hell of a ride! Hang on and enjoy. This is a huge step forward on your journey to becoming your true self. I'm so glad your wife came along with you to the endo appointment. This is also a big moment for her in her own journey. Doing it together is a great way to show your love and support for one another.

As Danielle pointed out, HRT affects us all differently. In my case, I didn't feel any mental changes for quite a while. It all kind of crept up on me in very small increments, until one day I thought back to how I felt before HRT and realised how much it has done for me, both psychologically and physically. I am looking forward to reading about your own unique experience, as much as you wish to share.

I am so happy for you.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Karen]

Hi everyone...

It's been a long while since I posted an update.   Thank you all for your continued support and for making Susan's Place, a place of support and comfort. 

It will soon be 2 months on anitandrogens and I am doing much much better.   I was on anti anxiety meds before and they were helping, but things have gotten much better since starting antiandrogens back in mid July.  I can't believe the difference...much less anxious, clearer mind, more confident.   It is interesting the dysphoria and female gender feelings are not gone, but the intensity is less and I am able to function so much better.   I also sense body changes beginning to happen...loss of muscle and my waist feels different.  I welcome the loss of muscle given dysphoria over chest and shoulder width.  Overall I am doing much better.

My wife and I are also doing much better.   Our couples counselling has been very helpful...very emotional but clearly helping us talk through our anxieties and fears and get back to a place of love, empathy and trust in and for each other.   It is also helping my wife see me doing so much better emotionally...I think it helps build confidence for her that the bottom is not going to fall out of our life.  Our upcoming topics including an open discussion about my vision and feelings about what living as a woman would mean to me so she can get into and understand what's in my head; intimacy and what our needs are and what that looks like down the road; when to bring in our kids....   Our therapist is amazing and we both trust her deeply. 

My individual therapists continue to be helpful, but I am beginning to think about a change.  Neither are gender transition experts and are limited in how they can support me in determining what I want to do and how to do it.   So I am beginning to research therapists again to see if I can find someone who is both emotional support but also transition support.

My endocrinologist has been great too.  He has already approved me to introduce estrogen "when I want to".   I have decided to wait for a bit to see how I make out.   I would like to but am not sure I am ready for the body changes (breast) and how that might impact my wife and life more generally.   I think every day about the body shape I wish I had and the fasion and clothes I wish I could wear, and simply wanting to be fully me and feeling and experiencing the world more fully.   Time will tell and I continue to take one day at a time.

My close friends and family that know my situation continue to be very loving and supportive.   I could not ask for more, and know that me being in a better place and taking it slowly is also helping them understand, support and process what is happening.   

My work and broader life is interesting...everyone is taking about how different I look.  Everyone but my peers and boss, who see it but know better than to say something or don't know what to say.  I am sure though that they are talking about it.   ....longer hair, weight loss, longer nails, clearer face and tan (aka bit of make up and hair removal)...   It's all fine and good, and my response is quite simple...I have never felt better and am working hard to take care of myself.   It's all the truth.

NB. It sure is good being in a better and more confident frame of mind.   I don't fully understand how testosterone impacts us or me, but the reduction / elimation of testosterone (my blood tests say it is non existent) has made a big impact.   

Overall I am doing so much better, and all of you continue to be such a big source of strength and confidence for me.   With you I feel and know I am real and human, I am normal.  Maybe uncommon, but human and normal. 

The next few months will be interesting as my wife and I continue to work through our journey and we determine if we want to tell my kids about my "gender dysphoria" at Christmas.   I suspect we will and it will be a very big step.   I will also face the decision on estrogen, which I would life to do, but am not sure if I will for family and work reasons.   I will also continue to work through when and how I spend time in the world as my female physical self.  I am resisting this today, because I feel it in my core that when I do, it will be very hard to go back to male mode and that distress scares me.  I would love the clothes and ability to express my female self, but it scares me as a very big step and one I will struggle to go back from.   

When you look at these 3 things I will face over the next while, they all add up to a very big step...one I dream about and think about all the time, but one that scares me deeply given the change it represents and the fear I have of having to relive the emotional stress of the last year.   Looking back, I am shocked by how stressful and dark this period of my life was.   I don't want to go back there.

Thank you again for your support and for making this such a caring place.

Hugs

Karen

[KathyLauren]

What a nice update to read, Karen!  I am happy for you that everything is going well for you.  I am especially happy about the improvement in your relationship with your wife.  Having spousal support is huge. 

I am resisting this today, because I feel it in my core that when I do, it will be very hard to go back to male mode and that distress scares me.  I would love the clothes and ability to express my female self, but it scares me as a very big step and one I will struggle to go back from.   

So perhaps the right move for you, when it comes time to make it, might be to take the step and not go back.  Just a thought.

Anyway, I am so glad that your transition is going well!

[Autrement]

Hi Karen,

I am in a quite similar situation as yours: in my fifties, married, 4 kids, good career.

My wife accepts me being TG but suffers a lot. We talk a lot. She is not ready to see me dressed as a woman. But she accepted HRT with both anti-andro and estrogen since more than 3 years.

It is not a big deal to hide the body changes at work and at home, nobody asks. This is less noticeable than long hair or makeup. I sometimes go out dressed as a woman, to meet my therapists, a few TG friends and a cis friend who knows.

Like you, I have no real plan for the future. My dysphoria has been tremendously reduced by HRT. Maybe I will keep things as they are for a while...

Hugs.

Pascale

[pamelatransuk]

Karen

I am so happy to read of your progress with your therapy - couple therapy very well organized and successful - and single therapy proceeding but that you may look for a better one for transition.

Your endo is well prepared and gives you the E option.

Most importantly you are feeling so much better in that your mind is clearer and the anxiety diminishing and the GD is less significant.

You have made a really rewarding start to HRT. Well done!

Hugs

Pamela

[Jayne01]

Hi Karen,

What a great update! 2 months on anti androgens already, wow, that time has certainly gone quickly. I am so glad that they are working well for you to reduce your anxiety and make you feel better with a clearer mind. What you have described is something I have read from many other members here. I also had a similar effect to HRT. In my case, having a clearer mind helped me have a better understanding of my emotions which actually intensified my dysphoric feelings because I suddenly knew beyond any doubt that I am a woman. But my distress had greatly reduced and I was able to move forward knowing what I needed to do for me. Being able to function better is a big leap forward in your progress.

It is so wonderful to read that you and your wife are doing much better. Having a good, trusting relationship with your therapist is very important. It's great to see that you have this type of relationship with your couples counsellor. I have also found that my wife does much better when she sees me doing better. Knowing and reassuring her that I have no intention of ever leaving her and our world has not self destructed has gone a long way to help her come to terms with our new normal. Your wife is having a similar reaction to seeing you getting better.

You seem to have a very clear idea in your mind of what you need and ways that you may achieve your goals, while keeping your family's needs in mind. This is a good way to achieve a successful transition. It is handy to have access to a therapist who has transitioning experience but it's not a necessity. Someone which you can have an open and trusting therapist/patient relationship is more important in my opinion.

Wow! Your endocrinologist has approved you for estrogen and you are holding off starting! When my Dr gave me a prescription for E, I stopped at the first pharmacy I found after leaving his office to collect those magic pills. What amazing strength and maturity you are showing to take it one day at a time. This is yours and your family's journey. You have to do what feels right for you.

It will be interesting to see how things develop at your work. I am also getting lots of comments about looking different, especially my longer hair. I wonder when I officially come out, how many would have guessed what is going on with me and how many will be in complete shock. It's going to be fun! Are you thinking about telling anyone at your work that you are trans?

.. I feel and know I am real and human, I am normal.  Maybe uncommon, but human and normal.

YES!!! Yes to all of that! You are human and very real, and you most certainly are normal! You are also uncommon, but that is a good thing. Life would be very boring if we were all the same.

Telling your kids will be a big step. At some point it will become a necessary step. You and your wife will know when the time is right.

The further you progress with discovering your true self, the harder it becomes to not be that person. I am finding my current switching between male and female mode is a very difficult stage of my transition. It started off ok where I would present female for my therapy sessions and then that expanded to include electrolysis sessions. Now it is pretty much full time except for when I'm at work. Personally, it is not something I could keep doing for the long term. What gets me through is the knowledge that male mode is only temporary while I'm working out some technicalities with coming out at work.

The 3 big steps you want to take are indeed big steps. You could treat them as seperate goals rather than one big step. There will be some stress associated with each of these steps but it doesn't mean you will return to the dark period you previously experienced. You are now better equipped emotionally to deal with the stress. The fear you are feeling is natural and expected. You know you are doing the right thing when the fear is not enough to stop you from doing what you need to do. The fear can become a source of strength to help you to move forward.

Karen, you have come such long way since first meeting you here at Susan's. It is a privilege to follow and be a part of your journey. Thank you for sharing. I am looking forward to more of your updates.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Karen]

Thank you all...  I really appreciate your encouragement, advice and support.   The more the better!!

A few more details:

I have committed myself to a one day at a time approach.  This combined with HRT / medication has helped me slow this down and make it manageable for me at an emotional level and from a time perspective.   It was very overwhelming before. 

On HRT, I too ran to the pharmacist to get and start HRT - anti androgens....within an hour of the endo appointment.   He and my genders therapist had different views - the endo was supportive of anti androgens and estrogen (which is why he gave me the preapproved prescription - that my MD could authorize), and the gender therapist recommended anti androgens only.  My gender therapist and I met after the endo appointment, and he strongly encouraged me to try try anti androgen for 3 months and then see.    Given my one day at a time approach and fear, I agreed to start there.   So, its less about discipline and more about managing fear and life. 

I am doing much better than I was, but my dysphoria and desire to do more is far from gone...it is just less intense.   I just a had a moment when I saw a woman dressed as I wish I could and my frustration level spiked.  I am making plans to do some shopping, etc...   I had a moment last night where we went out and I was in full male mode - men's blazer, dress shirt that is too big and manly, and men's jeans.  I did not like it and to top it off my wife said I looked good.   My female fitted jeans and a more fitted shirt or blouse would have been much nicer.  In short its not gone just more manageable. 

The other thing I am finding with anti androgens is while I am better over all, I am less anxious and emotional but when I get sad, I get really sad.  I also have developed a mindset that if life ended tomorrow it would be ok, and likely easier than what the future holds...it am sure this is guilt and shame driven and not wanting to hurt my wife and kids or be rejected by the world.   

Let me stress, I am doing much much better and in objective and stable kind of way. 

However, in spite of HRT, there still is dysphoria and desire, and there are periods of sadness.   On the one hand I am good that I am ok if life was to end tomorrow (it feels like logic), yet on the other it bothers me that I don't feel a strong sense of empathy the loss it would create or purpose for the next chapter of my life.   

Can anyone relate? Or have shared experiences?   (PS - I worry that the zero testosterone and limited estrogen has put me into a place of not feeling...which is not a bad coping strategy, but a tough way to have a fulfilling and purposeful life).

Hugs

Karen.

[Autrement]

Dear Karen,

I think it is kind of normal that you feel a bit depressed on AA only, because we all need some kind of hormone to feel good. I was in a similar situation 2 year ago, when I was on very low dose estrogen, and then I decided to increase my estrogen. I do feel better, and I I no real problem to hide the body changes as I have to present as male most of the time, both at work and at home.

Hugs.

Pascale

[Karen]

Hi everyone...

Here's a bit of an up date. 

Yesterday was a return to therapy for my wife and I, and then myself alone....after a bit of a quiet period and summer break.   As you know these sessions often push us outside our comfort zone, and yesterday was no different.  Thank goodness my individual session was booked later in the day after the couples session.

I love our couples councillor.   She is amazingly caring and open, and askes the though questions.   Yesterday she asked me to describe to my wife what my vision for being female was.  This was prompted by me sharing lots of transgender education stuff with my wife and my support group.  Our councillor said that is all good, but have you shared with your wife what it would mean for me to be female.  I was prepared, but not for the emotion in me that surfaced.   

I shared....

- my genital dysphora and how I tuck all the time, even in the bathroom when nude and how I avoid looking at it when I can't tuck.  How I wait for my wife to leave the bathroom so she does not see me tucked, or if I have be there with her, how hard it is to enter the bathroom with it hanging out.  I broke down as I shared this, feeling embarrassed and shameful and sad she had to hear this.
- not liking the shape of my body
- liking clothes and what clothes I would love to wear
- to moving from physical dysphoria to emotional anxiety and dysphoria....I shared that I have everything in the world that should make me happy, but am not happy and admire the smiles and laughs of joyful women.  To wanting to be that person and more joyful and present to my kids and friends. 
- I shared how I would love to play cards or games with my kids, rather than go to bed exhausted and anxious every week end because I am out of sorts with myself.
- I finally shared how want the right body, clothes and emotions to be me...physically and emotionally

Our councillor was amazing.  She got it and quickly helped my wife see the lack of alignment I am dealing with at a physical and emotional level.   

It was apparent my wife is supportive and caring, but also has trouble empathising ....saying, many women don't like their bodies or are not happy.  But she is learning and is trying hard. 

The hardest part was after the session...where I realized that while I am doing much better in coping and carrying on with life, that my dysphoria and unhappiness is still very real.  That I am doing better, but have also pushed down my dysphoria and feelings.....all of it came out and it was very emotional. 

My individual therapist was amazing and she gets it, and we agreed to keep taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.   She acknowledged that anyone not living in alignment ultimately boiles over in one way or another.   

The magnitude of this part of me and journey is much bigger for me today, than it was a few days ago....but in a good way.   I am making progress, I have all of you and an incredible support group, and I believe what is meant to be will happen. 

Thanks for your listening, support and comments / advice.

Karen

[Northern Star Girl]

@Karen
Dear Karen:
Thank you for posting your detailed update.   It certainly is a good chronicle of what you are going though with your ongoing dysphoria, issues with your wife and the good news that you are both seeing your couples counselor, and your good experiences with your individuall therapy sessions.

A lot of what you discussed is not new stuff for most of us transitioners... you are not alone in that respect.

The best thing you can do is to continue with your counselor and therapist sessions and continue to deal with all that you discussed here on your update the best that you can.

Frankly, just writing it out here on your thread or writing about it in your own private journal is good therapy in itself.
Thank you for keeping your followers updated...
I will be looking for your next update installlment.
Hugs and well wishes, as always,
Danielle

[Karen]

@Alaskan Danielle

Thanks for your support and acknowledgement.   I updated my post given bad grammar and incomplete thoughts.   Sharing with you and others is a way of journally, and looking for guidance and feedback.  It feels so good to not be a lone and be part of a trusting community that gets it. 

Thanks for all your care and support of me and many many others. 

Karen

[JudiBlueEyes]

Thank you for the update Karen. 

I found regarding this...
"It was apparent my wife is supportive and caring, but also has trouble empathising ....saying, many women don't like their bodies or are not happy.  But she is learning and is trying hard."   
... that while my wife understood the narrative, hearing it from me was hard to reconcile, hence the issue with empathy.  She has since come around as I hope your wife will also.

Its quite possible some of your tiredness will dissipate when you go on to estrogen, as now you are on low levels of both T and E.  As to sadness, I know you have been sad for some time like many us that hid for years.  All this change you're going through will mitigate some of it.  Yet as you've seen, some gets replaced with "other" sadness.  For me this was easier to manage and despite losing the guy she loved my wife is happy with me now as I am a nicer version to be with.

You are making wonderful progress.
Judi 

[Jayne01]

Hi Karen,

Thank you for this emotional update. I started crying when I read what you shared in your couples therapy session about your dysphoria. I can relate to so much of that but I have always struggled to express these feelings with words.

I am so glad you find your counsellor amazing. Having a good counsellor/therapist that you have a good relationship with can make all the difference in your journey.

Getting all of this stuff out into the open and sharing it with your wife is really good progress. Your wife is trying very hard to understand. You both clearly love each other and your children. Keep doing what you are doing. Each day is bringing you closer to your goal.

Hugs,
Jayne

Hi everyone...

Here's a bit of an up date. 

Yesterday was a return to therapy for my wife and I, and then myself alone....after a bit of a quiet period and summer break.   As you know these sessions often push us outside our comfort zone, and yesterday was no different.  Thank goodness my individual session was booked later in the day after the couples session.

I love our couples councillor.   She is amazingly caring and open, and askes the though questions.   Yesterday she asked me to describe to my wife what my vision for being female was.  This was prompted by me sharing lots of transgender education stuff with my wife and my support group.  Our councillor said that is all good, but have you shared with your wife what it would mean for me to be female.  I was prepared, but not for the emotion in me that surfaced.   

I shared....

- my genital dysphora and how I tuck all the time, even in the bathroom when nude and how I avoid looking at it when I can't tuck.  How I wait for my wife to leave the bathroom so she does not see me tucked, or if I have be there with her, how hard it is to enter the bathroom with it hanging out.  I broke down as I shared this, feeling embarrassed and shameful and sad she had to hear this.
- not liking the shape of my body
- liking clothes and what clothes I would love to wear
- to moving from physical dysphoria to emotional anxiety and dysphoria....I shared that I have everything in the world that should make me happy, but am not happy and admire the smiles and laughs of joyful women.  To wanting to be that person and more joyful and present to my kids and friends. 
- I shared how I would love to play cards or games with my kids, rather than go to bed exhausted and anxious every week end because I am out of sorts with myself.
- I finally shared how want the right body, clothes and emotions to be me...physically and emotionally

Our councillor was amazing.  She got it and quickly helped my wife see the lack of alignment I am dealing with at a physical and emotional level.   

It was apparent my wife is supportive and caring, but also has trouble empathising ....saying, many women don't like their bodies or are not happy.  But she is learning and is trying hard. 

The hardest part was after the session...where I realized that while I am doing much better in coping and carrying on with life, that my dysphoria and unhappiness is still very real.  That I am doing better, but have also pushed down my dysphoria and feelings.....all of it came out and it was very emotional. 

My individual therapist was amazing and she gets it, and we agreed to keep taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.   She acknowledged that anyone not living in alignment ultimately boiles over in one way or another.   

The magnitude of this part of me and journey is much bigger for me today, than it was a few days ago....but in a good way.   I am making progress, I have all of you and an incredible support group, and I believe what is meant to be will happen. 

Thanks for your listening, support and comments / advice.

Karen

[Laurie]

Hi Karen,

  I have not been able to keep up with all you have going on, but I do read some of this thread when I can. Your last update sounded like a really big one for you with your therapy sessions. Hopefully it becomes as important to your wife. It is good that she is willing to go to therapy with you and she is trying. It also sounds like both of your therapists are good and are really trying to support you. This is all good.
  To tell your therapist and your wife just how this is affecting you is going to be of immense help to her in understanding how this is for you. You must also understand how it is for her too. In any relationship honest and open communication is a key component in making the relationship work. You two are working on that with the help of your therapists. Good luck to you both in making this work. You have a good start.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Karen]

@Jayne01
@Alaskan Danielle
@Laurie
@JudiBlueEyes

Hi everyone... 

Thanks for your understanding and encouragement.   

While it was very hard to share my experience verbally, it is another positive step.  The difficulty was facing and dealing with another layer of guilt / shame / embarrassment.   As I shared this experience with you, my sister, and a coupe close friends in my support group it has helped me move forward.  Everyone I talked to was taken back, especially by the specifics around my dysphoria and my experience.  All were appreciative.   It has helped me move to another stage of acceptance...this is just part of me, I am not broken, I did not choose  it, and I should not feel bad for being me. 

It has helped me move today with confidence and share with my wife and others my preferences at this stage for neutral pronouns and nick names that are more neutral / feminine.  If I don't share my preferences how will they ever know. 

Ps also bought some tops on Friday that are women's and neutral looking...I did it with confidence and it felt good.  My only regret was when the cashier asked if I was buying anything for myself today, I said no.  I regret not saying this is for me.  I actually told one of the other service person and she was fine.   

It is fascinating how each little layer of facing fear ultimately creates a new light. 

Thanks again.  Big hugs.

[Jayne01]

@Jayne01
@Alaskan Danielle
@Laurie
@JudiBlueEyes

Hi everyone... 

Thanks for your understanding and encouragement.   

While it was very hard to share my experience verbally, it is another positive step.  The difficulty was facing and dealing with another layer of guilt / shame / embarrassment.   As I shared this experience with you, my sister, and a coupe close friends in my support group it has helped me move forward.  Everyone I talked to was taken back, especially by the specifics around my dysphoria and my experience.  All were appreciative.   It has helped me move to another stage of acceptance...this is just part of me, I am not broken, I did not choose  it, and I should not feel bad for being me. 

It has helped me move today with confidence and share with my wife and others my preferences at this stage for neutral pronouns and nick names that are more neutral / feminine.  If I don't share my preferences how will they ever know. 

Ps also bought some tops on Friday that are women's and neutral looking...I did it with confidence and it felt good.  My only regret was when the cashier asked if I was buying anything for myself today, I said no.  I regret not saying this is for me.  I actually told one of the other service person and she was fine.   

It is fascinating how each little layer of facing fear ultimately creates a new light. 

Thanks again.  Big hugs.

Hi Karen,

This is excellent news. Great progress with your acceptance. You are absolutely right, you're not broken and should not feel bad for being you.

Sharing your preference for name and pronouns with your wife and others is another really positive step forward.

Don't worry too much about not telling the store cashier the items you bought were for you. You bought the clothes. Next time you will be more confident and won't be shy about admitting the clothes are for you.

You are doing awesome Karen! Own your identity! It's who you are.

You go girl!

Hugs,
Jayne

[JudiBlueEyes]

Karen, reading your reply brought tears to my eyes.  I am proud of you!  Yes this is part of who we are and it's nothing to be ashamed of.  The light gets brighter each and every day!

Hugs, Judi

[Karen]

Hi everyone.   It has been quite a while since I up dated you on my journey.   I have been watching and reading in the background, proud to see how caring, open and supportive you all are.   What a special place.

Here's my update:

I have continued to do a lot of work with my therapists and our couples therapist.   

Our focus has been on working through issues as a couple, with transparency and mutual love and respect.   Our therapist is an amazing and progressive individual.   My wife and I also spent a long week end away, just hanging out together, and it did a lot to create space to just be together and enjoy each other (and talk through tough issues in a respectful way).  We are in a much better place knowing we love each other and understand each other's challenges.   

My individual therapy has also helped me see, understand and work through more feelings of shame and feeling broken.   I am in a much better place of accepting this as a core part of me...unique in the world, but normal.   I am so much more confident and calm.   

And my shame is significantly less too.  It was founded on years of being assamed, feelings of feeling broken, and sadness about the impact my situation would / could have on my kids, wife, friendships and life / career.   I don't feel any shame as I write this update...it is me, its special and its good.   My wife and I have come a long way, my friends have been incredible support to both of us, and my career will be fine.   

And my kids.....they are amazing human beings.   2 nights ago, we had a family meeting and my wife and I told them about my gender dysphoria, steps we have been working through and that we love each other and them more than anything in the world.   They range between 15 and 20 years of age.   Young people today are so well informed and open hearted and open minded.   

Here are some highlights:

- no tears, which speaks to the progress my wife and I have made in working through our fears and baggage, and in acceptance
- the kids were compassionate and loving toward both of us
- they asked great questions about pronouns, interests changing, plans, etc
- and there were really funny: show of hands of who is surprised...no hands went up; do you still like boy toys like tractors and such...yup; can we go to Drag shows together; discussion about clues they were wondering about
- and most important, checking in on their mom to make sure she is ok

I could not be more proud of my kids, and happy with the progress we are making.   To think only 3 months ago I thought the better path was to bring this life to a close...

Lastly I have began attending LBGTQ events through work.   At this point I am seen as a very visible Ally, including to an Ally to a few amazing TG individuals.   ....Ally is good for now....

My dysphoria is far from gone, and I continue to take other small steps to create alignment on this long road.   It is amazing the baggage I built up over my life - inner homo / transphobia, feeling broken and unacceptable, shame, guilt, etc.  And it is even more amazing how good it feels to take steps toward resolving these feelings.  Each step of transition triggers the next level of facing these innner issues.   

Thank you to you all for making this place such a safe, honest and supportive place.   

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to all of you.   Sending you lots of hugs and love over the next few weeks. 

Gratefully,

Karen