Attitudes towards being part-time

[Renate]

People certainly have different attitudes towards being part-time.
Some celebrate it as giving variety to life.
Some regard it as the first step on the slippery slope towards schizophrenia!
What's your attitude to having two sets of clothes, two names, two roles?

[Maebh]

I love and relish having the best of both words! I dress as I feel and my atire fits my mood. So why should I restrict myself to only one gender role when I can experience fully all sides of who I am?

As for the name, I chose it as a play on words about my real name that in English sounds like a female name anyway. (Yves-> Eve-> ma Eve-> Maeve-> Maebh)

LLL&R

Maebh

[Marlene]

What's your attitude to having two sets of clothes, two names, two roles?

I took a more cautious approach to transition (4 years and 3 months from divorce to SRS).  This is because I had read several accounts of people having to transiition more than once and I didn't want to do that.  After I came out to my HR dept I set up a timeline and I stuck to it.  As a result I was living as myself away from work for a year!  Did it suck?  Towards the end it did, but I already had a firm FFS surgical date and I didn't want to jerk my co-workers around.  I took some other steps to relieve the pressure towards the end.

4 months before full-time I started coming and going from work as me.  This wasn't a real big deal as I was already out at work and I had to change into hospital scrubs anyway.  2.5 months before full-time I did my legal name change.  I had 2 hospital ID cards.  One for show (male) and the official one (female) in the pocket of my labcoat.  The last month was stressful, but I knew the end was near.  At the end of my last shift I took off my old lab coat and work shoes and and joyfully threw them away saying "Never again!"  Doing the name change in advance was the best thing I did because I didn't have to run around doing that while recovering from FFS.

While not as exciting or sexy as people jumping in with both feet, it worked for me.  Shoot me I'm a planner.  It's now 2+ years later and I'm completely done.  Life is good.

[Kate]

I had a rule that I HAD to be consistent with who I was throughout transition... at least as much as possible. Clothing-wise, whatever I wore to work was what I wore at home, when shopping, to therapy, etc. It just became increasingly feminine over time.

I got kinda lucky with the name thing, as I came out at work pretty early-on, and many of my coworkers took it upon themselves to start calling me Kate on their own. Friends, neighbors and relatives too. So that too just sorta evolved on it's own, long before it was my legal name.

The most awkward thing was having to use my legal (male) name when dealing with doctors, health insurance, dentists, etc. I soon got sick of it all though, and just asked each of them to make a note to call me Kate from now on, but use the legal name for claims or whatever. And everyone was just fine with that.

Part of the reason I transitioned when I did was because I WAS going insane, being torn in two by who I was... and who I was expected to be. I just couldn't do it anymore, and became truly frightened by some of the tangents my mind was taking. So I resolved to do everything I could to reverse that trend, to *consolodate* rather than fragment any further, and to reclaim my life and identity.

~Kate~

[cindybc]

Hi, My coming out was rather spontaneous. The last couple of years before I came out I was going out presenting as female to other towns around where I lived, where people didn't know me. On the last year I began going out around town dressed female with a friend, Tracy, visiting her female friends.

I was also attending trans group meetings in the city, a couple hours' drive from where I lived. Then one night while driving back home I was feeling really sad and depressed and wanted to end it all. I was looking for a suitable rock cut to drive my car into.  My foot went down on the gas pedal and the motor raced.

A voice?

It was like a voice speaking to me asked who was it that wanted to die here. Well for certain I knew it wasn't the female part of me so I eased off the gas pedal and drove the rest of the way home.

Once at home the voice again spoke to me, like a wounded animal within.  He seemed to kneel  down and set his sword down before me and said, "I will fight no more."  Then he laid down beside the sword and drifted off into deep sleep.

The next day I bagged all of the male clothing I had in the apartment and droped it off at  Salvation Army and exchanged it for a few modest pieces of women's clothes, and Cindy was born.

I went to see my supervisor.  She was a little concerned about what would happen on my job. She showed more concern for my safety then anything else. I was a social worker at a mental health consumers' drop-in center. For a while the guys kind of shied away but the girls readily accepted me and so did the guys after a while.

Cindy     

[Kate]

I agree with you all about making a clean break from male clothing, but slowly working on getting more feminine.
The first time in women's jeans, I thought that people would notice immediately.  Nope.
Only recently with progressively smaller sweaters have I started to get raised eyebrows.
When summer comes, I'll be wearing tank tops.

LOL, it always freaked me out that no one was freaking out over my appearance. Women's jeans? Nothing. Women's slacks? Yawn. Women's polo tops? No one blinked.

It was only later that I asked some neighbors, "Didn't you NOTICE?"

And each of them said, "Sure! But it was none of my business."

The nice thing about semi-androgynous women's clothing for me was if someone read me as a male, I figured they'd just think I was very effeminate. And if they read me as a female, well yay!

The BAD thing was I never knew what sex any given person thought I was, lol. That was extremely awkward. There came an increasing number of incidents where I'd say my male name, and get the "Huh? Well okaaaaaay..." look. It took me awhile to accept that I was making an idiot of myself using my male name.

~Kate~

[gothique11]

I'm just me all of the time, which technically makes me full-time (although, it sounds weird now for me to say "full-time" after this long, I don't really think of that much). Anyway, there are people who choose to go part-time and also enjoy it, and I can understand and appriate that perspective -- not everyone has to be the same. Just like I know several non-op people who have no desire to go through surgery, etc. I have one friend who looks amazing, lives 100% female all the time, has a signing career, but doesn't take hrt and isn't going to have the operation. She's a great person, and I still love and respect her even though we're taking different paths.

[Suzie]

What's your attitude to having two sets of clothes, two names, two roles?

I think Damon Wayans and David Alan Grier said it best:  Hated it!

[Suzie]

Hated it!

"Why, by all means then" Don't Do It!
(thinking of Tom Hanks and hot chocolate) 

It wasn't that easy, it was a necessary evil at the time.

[KarenLyn]

It seems like a lifetime ago but I remember how I hated switching back and forth. My transition progressed like an avalanche. Once started, there was no going back. I didn't get rid of all the old male clothes though. I kept my jeans. I generally had to get them back from my daughter any time I was looking for a specific pair. We shared them while we still lived in the same house.

Karen Lyn

[seldom]

I HATED it.  It confused the hell out of me.  It was very short (a few months, or maybe a month). It literally drove me a little  crazy and I had a break down the week before I went full time.   Switching back and forth was terrible for me.   

How people do that for years is beyond me.  I rather just be me. 

[Hazumu]

I was also more of a drifter.  I would change something, then two weeks later change something else, then later something else.

For me, 'part time' as when I'd get ma'am'ed some times and sir'ed at others.  Of course, I was always more conservative at work than away.

But eventually, even there, chinos faded into side-zip career pants into skirts into dresses.

Did I answer good?

Karen

[NicholeW.]

At first, part-time was kinda scary, I think. Wondering, unsure. Later it became just crazy-making, as I recall. Then impossible, as in just didn't have the will to be half myself and half other. I mean, what's the point?

Process, moving from one aspect of dysphoria and then into another? "Haven't I been here before?"

Kinda like Deana Carter's song: Did I Shave My Legs For This?

Nichole

[IsabelleStPierre]

For me I tried the part-time thing for a while and it just didn't work for me at all. When I thought I was presenting as male I was still almost always ma'am ed...or like one rather unpleasant experience at the local Wal-Mart...a couple of cashiers had a loud debate as to whether I was male or female...only to give up and shrug saying that the other's guess was as good as the others. On my way out I stopped by one and said 'When you figure it out...please let me know!' (I then went to the manager and complained...got a $100 gift card out of it at least).

While I can see the need for some to live part-time it just wasn't for me...I came out July 8th to my family and July 9th all my male clothes where gone (along with the marriage...but that wasn't a surprise at all either)...and there hasn't been a thought of going backwards at all. For me the time before going full time seemed like a lie...I felt I was lying to the world and it seemed at times that they saw through my facade of maleness...

Just my two cents on the matter...

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

[Ms Bev]

I could never be part-time, it would drive me crazy

For the short period of time I was "part time", it did drive me crazy.  I could no longer stand working male, and living female, especially with so many customers mistaking me as female anyway.  Great part time, huh?  Hating every minute, feeling so antsy your skin crawls, and wanting to claw off the male clothes like alien outer-flesh. 
I won't say "going full time",  instead I will say I was not at peace with myself until I threw out all the male clothes, went to HR, and had my name tag changed to Beverly, and refused to answer to the name of Mike, and came out to all extended family and friends (still working on stray friends).  I finally achieved a level of comfort after having my driver's license changed to female, changing my credit cards and Red Cross card to Beverly, and being forever female.


Bev

Posted on: December 25, 2007, 09:28:21 PMIsabelle
Sorry, I should have read your post before replying myself.  It all looks kinda carbon-copy except for the divorce part

[Hypatia]

I endured two years and nine months of back-and-forth, and it was very hard on me. Being forced to return to male guise caused me severe pain and depression. At first I didn't feel strong enough to defy the restrictions imposed on me... but over that period of time, I grew stronger as I slowly and gradually feminized, a little bit intermittently at first, and then a lot consistently, until all I really needed to do was inform my boss and get the legal name change. After that, no one could make the jinniyah* get back in the bottle-- because I smashed the damn bottle to smithereens.
*female genie

I felt joy and relief each time I managed to get out as my true self... but that was countered by the corresponding misery I suffered at having to change from a skirt back into pants upon returning to home or work. The reason I will not wear pants now is the memory of that oppression I felt at being forced into pants against my will. That period of my life was alternating good and bad. It was definitely better than if I'd been permanently forced to masculinize against my will (I would go insane and kill myself if that ever happened). The only thing keeping me from killing myself was the progress I was slowly making toward the day when I would finally be free. The only thing that kept me going was reminding myself that the day of liberation was getting closer, and I was taking the necessary steps to get there.

Now I have liberated myself, no more back-and-forth, and it's all good.

[cindybc]

Hi Isabelle St-Pierre hon, you have done excellently well.

I guess I did pretty well myself, I came out full time in the span of one summer. That fall when I made up my mind I was really literally scare to death the first day, but I guess I did an excellent job of projecting differently. I went in to work and reported to my supervisor and she just told me to be careful and that was it. I was accepted at work and where ever I went to in town. Actually I had lots of support from the girls at work. I felt confident after that and just kept on going and never looked back.

Cindy 

[IsabelleStPierre]

Hey Cindy,

Hi Isabelle St-Pierre hon, you have done excellently well.

Cindy 

It doesn't always feel like it's been all that excellent of a journey. Seems like there have been long period of not really moving forward all that much...or at least it feels that way. Just recently I was going through some of my old journals and found a list of things to do for this past year, so I stopped for a few moments to look it over. I was surprised that I had met over 90% of the personal goals I had set for the year! That made me feel good...

For me going full-time was the only option and it's the only thing that has truly made me happy; yes there have been lots of rough spots and problems, but I wouldn't go back for anything in the world!

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

[Pica Pica]

I'm an all or nothing kind of person...I think it is that my brain can't hold that much in it at any one moment. Lucky for me I can be a full time androgyne and not get stared at. 'Though drunk people at the pub to like to have their photo taken with me....()

[cindybc]

Hey Baby, meet me at the corner of 77 and 333 street and lets go have some fun at the club, Me and you could have a frolicking good time.  "hee, hee, hee!" Cindy blushes and flicks her long eyelashes  dropping her cigarette in the gutter and sways her hips as she moves towards Pica Pica and places her finger under his chin to better evaluate more closely this attractive person.

Cindy