Coping with dysphoria

[falk]

How do you cope enough with your dysphoria to make it through the day when there's nothing you can do to immediately subvert it?

Example: I have a large chest. I know exercise can help me with my mental and physical illness. I also know if I lost weight that might mean a reduction in my chest simply because I lost weight. But I can't bother to exercise because my chest-centered dysphoria is bad. I have to hold my own chest down because it hurts otherwise when I run but it's dysphoric to have to touch my chest.
Another example: tmi? menstruation/ I have to use "female" hygiene products and use the "female" washroom but I feel more dysphoric doing so. But I can't help having the body I have and using the male restrooms at this point in my transition is....not an option.

The coping mechanisms I have so far with my everyday dysphoria include not taking care of myself ever, hurting my body in various ways as some kind of revenge and getting ridiculously drunk. I don't know how to reverse my automatic habits and develop better ones.

[SammyHatesGreenEggs]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through!

In terms of day to day coping, have you spoken at all with a therapist or have you had the opportunity to attend an in person support group?

For me, I'm a person who prefers doing something to doing nothing.  However, sometimes you have to just accept that you've done all you can realistically do in a given day.  The other challenge is realizing that small decisions made each day are what takes to accomplish big things long term.  I bet it's really tough though to think about the long term when you're facing such immediate pain/discomfort.

In terms of alcohol abuse, while I'm not an alcoholic, I certainly used to drink more than I do now.  I discovered I really like jogging and LONG showers.  You just have to think about things you enjoy, or might and enjoy and give it a try.  And, I work a lot (50+ hours a week), so it doesn't give me much time to do much else.

I apologize if I'm not entirely empathetic to your situation, but I hope I'm at least being sympathetic.

[Kylo]

Not looking in the mirror much was one thing.

But you know the reality is there so it has to be something in the mind to counteract it.

I guess my way of dealing with it was to just scorn the image in the mirror as a poor reflection of anything. What I might see in a mirror is nowhere close to the reality of what's inside a person's head, "who they really are", what their soul really looks like, or however you want to visualize the idea. It's like 0.01% of what's really going on, isn't it.

So I see it as superficial. It's a facade. Anyone's body is a facade really for what's going on with them internally and mentally. So when I've looked at it that way, it's like wearing a costume. Not one I like wearing, but it's just a skin so to speak. It doesn't speak much about me except on the most superficial level.

I realize this is cognitive dissonance on speed, but that's how I deal with it. I didn't take the body very seriously and I didn't pay a lot of attention to it until I transitioned. I got ignoring it down to a fine art. A mental lens that I could filter a lot of crap out with but that on the flip side deadened me to a lot of what other people do seem to experience normally. 

I'm not sure that's something I'd advise other people to do, but I suppose if the problem is very bad it's better than hurting yourself.

[falk]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through!

In terms of day to day coping, have you spoken at all with a therapist or have you had the opportunity to attend an in person support group?

For me, I'm a person who prefers doing something to doing nothing.  However, sometimes you have to just accept that you've done all you can realistically do in a given day.  The other challenge is realizing that small decisions made each day are what takes to accomplish big things long term.  I bet it's really tough though to think about the long term when you're facing such immediate pain/discomfort.

In terms of alcohol abuse, while I'm not an alcoholic, I certainly used to drink more than I do now.  I discovered I really like jogging and LONG showers.  You just have to think about things you enjoy, or might and enjoy and give it a try.  And, I work a lot (50+ hours a week), so it doesn't give me much time to do much else.

I apologize if I'm not entirely empathetic to your situation, but I hope I'm at least being sympathetic.

I have attended therapy but since the therapist didn't expect my name or pronouns and kept bringing up invasive questions about my trauma [something I told her not to do] I dropped it. I'm seeing a psychiatrist but I haven't talked about my substance abuse problems because I have tried AA and support groups but I felt useless and unable to relate to anyone there and just felt worse.

I also prefer being proactive but I still find it hard to accomplish things because of my situation [I'm also homeless on top of everything].

I appreciate your response and it has made me reconsider my perspective.

[falk]

Not looking in the mirror much was one thing.

But you know the reality is there so it has to be something in the mind to counteract it.

I guess my way of dealing with it was to just scorn the image in the mirror as a poor reflection of anything. What I might see in a mirror is nowhere close to the reality of what's inside a person's head, "who they really are", what their soul really looks like, or however you want to visualize the idea. It's like 0.01% of what's really going on, isn't it.

So I see it as superficial. It's a facade. Anyone's body is a facade really for what's going on with them internally and mentally. So when I've looked at it that way, it's like wearing a costume. Not one I like wearing, but it's just a skin so to speak. It doesn't speak much about me except on the most superficial level.

I realize this is cognitive dissonance on speed, but that's how I deal with it. I didn't take the body very seriously and I didn't pay a lot of attention to it until I transitioned. I got ignoring it down to a fine art. A mental lens that I could filter a lot of crap out with but that on the flip side deadened me to a lot of what other people do seem to experience normally. 

I'm not sure that's something I'd advise other people to do, but I suppose if the problem is very bad it's better than hurting yourself.

I haven't look in mirrors or even reflections in years. I appreciate the response and it has given me something to consider.

[Allison S]

I wish I knew it's a point for me that dysphoria is taking over my life. I think I just need a break. Being amab isn't an easy cage to get out of and I think it's the same for anyone that's transgender/non conforming. I like being on here and getting feedback. I know it's best when it's more specific to what you're asking though.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[PurpleWolf]

https://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Gender-Dysphoria
https://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Not-Being-Able-to-Transition

Getting rid of shame
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232122.0.html

What have been your coping strategies pre-transition?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235065.new.html#new

[MeTony]

How do you cope enough with your dysphoria to make it through the day when there's nothing you can do to immediately subvert it?

Example: I have a large chest. I know exercise can help me with my mental and physical illness. I also know if I lost weight that might mean a reduction in my chest simply because I lost weight. But I can't bother to exercise because my chest-centered dysphoria is bad. I have to hold my own chest down because it hurts otherwise when I run but it's dysphoric to have to touch my chest.
Another example: tmi? menstruation/ I have to use "female" hygiene products and use the "female" washroom but I feel more dysphoric doing so. But I can't help having the body I have and using the male restrooms at this point in my transition is....not an option.

The coping mechanisms I have so far with my everyday dysphoria include not taking care of myself ever, hurting my body in various ways as some kind of revenge and getting ridiculously drunk. I don't know how to reverse my automatic habits and develop better ones.

Waving from Sweden. I also have a large chest causing me major dysphoria. I'm a G-cup. But I have come to that point that I don't care. I dress as I feel comfortable, in mens cloths. I am myself. I don't care what other people say.

About the drinking. I used to drink too much. I had to hit rock bottom to realize my life was at stake. AA helped me a lot to realize who I am and what I need.

Not everyone is the same in AA. How many times have you been there? I was there 5-6 times before I found my sponsor. Someone I felt comfortable with.


Tony

[falk]

I wish I knew it's a point for me that dysphoria is taking over my life. I think I just need a break. Being amab isn't an easy cage to get out of and I think it's the same for anyone that's transgender/non conforming. I like being on here and getting feedback. I know it's best when it's more specific to what you're asking though.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Yeah. Vague is bad. It feels overwhelming sometimes so I feel like I do ask ambiguous questions.

https://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Gender-Dysphoria
https://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Not-Being-Able-to-Transition

Getting rid of shame
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232122.0.html

What have been your coping strategies pre-transition?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235065.new.html#new

Thank you for the links PurpleWolf. I'll read them.

Waving from Sweden. I also have a large chest causing me major dysphoria. I'm a G-cup. But I have come to that point that I don't care. I dress as I feel comfortable, in mens cloths. I am myself. I don't care what other people say.

About the drinking. I used to drink too much. I had to hit rock bottom to realize my life was at stake. AA helped me a lot to realize who I am and what I need.

Not everyone is the same in AA. How many times have you been there? I was there 5-6 times before I found my sponsor. Someone I felt comfortable with.


Tony

I'm an H-cup and only 5'.....it's ridiculous. I feel like a manga female character with my proportions.

I've quit drinking before, once or twice, but I can't seem to stay sober. I've been in and out of AA and other groups. I keep going mostly because I'm told to go but I leave because I feel really numb attending and feel like I'm wildly out of touch with everyone else. For now I'm seeing a psychiatrist and maybe trying a different therapist. I'll give AA another thought.

[MeTony]

Yeah. Vague is bad. It feels overwhelming sometimes so I feel like I do ask ambiguous questions.

Thank you for the links PurpleWolf. I'll read them.
I'm an H-cup and only 5'.....it's ridiculous. I feel like a manga female character with my proportions.

I've quit drinking before, once or twice, but I can't seem to stay sober. I've been in and out of AA and other groups. I keep going mostly because I'm told to go but I leave because I feel really numb attending and feel like I'm wildly out of touch with everyone else. For now I'm seeing a psychiatrist and maybe trying a different therapist. I'll give AA another thought.

I feel you. I often think "Oh the irony!" About my chest.


AA is what you make it to be. Noone there will cure you. You need to work with yourself. It is hard work, but worth all the effort you can put in it.

I was not sober every time. But when having drugs or alcohol in your system you can't share your story. Just sit and listen. That's how it was in my group.

I mixed my medicines and ended up in ER with ambulance. My sponsor came and picked me up from there and drove me straight to a meeting. I lay in the back of the room with a hangover from hell. But I guess that made me think I want to live. I heared their stories. They aren't much different from mine. Except the transgender part. But you are not only transgender. You are a human being.

Btw. I changed the word god to guide in my head. I'm not very religious. But having my long dead grandpa guiding me...I can buy that.


Tony

[PurpleWolf]

I'm an H-cup and only 5'.....it's ridiculous. I feel like a manga female character with my proportions.

I have a HUGE chest myself!!!!!!!!! And I'm short. Binding is a possibility, even for a large chest. Top surgery will eventually get rid of it.

Height is the part you really can't affect. But there ARE very short cis guys out there too!!! It doesn't mean you won't be able to pass as a guy in the long run, because you will  . Some people are born with dwarfism. No one can affect their height.

I've quit drinking before, once or twice, but I can't seem to stay sober. I've been in and out of AA and other groups. I keep going mostly because I'm told to go but I leave because I feel really numb attending and feel like I'm wildly out of touch with everyone else. For now I'm seeing a psychiatrist and maybe trying a different therapist. I'll give AA another thought.

I've never had a drinking problem. But I do know this much: getting rid of an addiction takes TIME!!!!!!! The fact you've already quit once or twice, means you are going in the RIGHT DIRECTION!!! I think that's the key in it. That you just persevere and don't give up  .
For starters, read this:
http://stunningmotivation.com/stop-beating-yourself/
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

No one will stay sober the first time they try. NO ONE. The ones who stay sober in the end and get over their addiction tried some 10+ times to do it  ! You should keep this in mind!
You've never failed unless you stop trying.

The fact you've been in and out of AA and other groups is also a positive thing!!! That means you are willing to try  . It might need several attempts to find a good group or starting to see some point in it. Keep trying until you'll find a method that works for you!

https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/addiction-self-help-and-12-step-groups.htm

https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/addiction-recovery-videos.htm

[falk]

I have a HUGE chest myself!!!!!!!!! And I'm short. Binding is a possibility, even for a large chest. Top surgery will eventually get rid of it.

Height is the part you really can't affect. But there ARE very short cis guys out there too!!! It doesn't mean you won't be able to pass as a guy in the long run, because you will  . Some people are born with dwarfism. No one can affect their height.
I've never had a drinking problem. But I do know this much: getting rid of an addiction takes TIME!!!!!!! The fact you've already quit once or twice, means you are going in the RIGHT DIRECTION!!! I think that's the key in it. That you just persevere and don't give up  .
For starters, read this:
http://stunningmotivation.com/stop-beating-yourself/
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

No one will stay sober the first time they try. NO ONE. The ones who stay sober in the end and get over their addiction tried some 10+ times to do it  ! You should keep this in mind!
You've never failed unless you stop trying.

The fact you've been in and out of AA and other groups is also a positive thing!!! That means you are willing to try  . It might need several attempts to find a good group or starting to see some point in it. Keep trying until you'll find a method that works for you!

https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/addiction-self-help-and-12-step-groups.htm

https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/addiction-recovery-videos.htm

Yeah. I don't really have height dysphoria anymore. I'm okay being pocket-sized. Might help none of my relatives are tall, even my white dad was only 5'7 or so. So I didn't grow up thinking I'd ever be tall either. [The one thing I'm working on that would help with height is my posture, I spent forever being hunched due to not having glasses growing up and also to hide my chest [which it didn't do a very good job of it]].

I'm working on getting a binder right now and I'm doing all the research I can for top surgery which does make me a little excited and more willing to exercise and things like that.

As for the alcoholism....I guess it's easier to maintain than other addictions. I quit smoking and been tobacco-free for 2 years, 2 months and 29 days now. Smoking doesn't really help with anything and it's a worse habit if you have asthma like me. Drug abuse is harder to maintain because of well, supply is hard to obtain. So I've been pretty sober since I moved [around 5 or 6 mo.] But alcohol is legal and everywhere so I guess the ease of getting it is like, a weird comfort to me? I'll figure it out at some point.

[PurpleWolf]

I'm working on getting a binder right now and I'm doing all the research I can for top surgery which does make me a little excited and more willing to exercise and things like that.

Sounds great!!!

I quit smoking and been tobacco-free for 2 years, 2 months and 29 days now.

Coooooool!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's just GREAT!!!!
CONGRATS, DUDE  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That really shows how much strength you have!!!

As for the alcoholism....I guess it's easier to maintain than other addictions. I quit smoking and been tobacco-free for 2 years, 2 months and 29 days now. Smoking doesn't really help with anything and it's a worse habit if you have asthma like me. Drug abuse is harder to maintain because of well, supply is hard to obtain. So I've been pretty sober since I moved [around 5 or 6 mo.] But alcohol is legal and everywhere so I guess the ease of getting it is like, a weird comfort to me? I'll figure it out at some point.

That's very true. Alcohol is everywhere and hard to avoid!!!
So you should be even more proud of yourself when you are able to avoid it!!!

[BlueJaye]

As MTF, my struggles are a bit different, but I haven't found a lot that is totally helpful. Staying busy helps, and I mean BUSY. I need to be occupied mentally and physically from the time I get up to when I go to sleep. I work 18+ hours some days just to cope. Staying busy in things that help me maintain a sense of self worth helps. I participate in my church (though totally closeted, they would probably expel me if they knew I was trans; very sad). I involve myself in my kids' lives.

Other than that, I don't have a lot of help offer. I wish I did.

[Northstar]

Hello falk 

I too would recommend trying a bunch of different AA meetings, to see which ones feel good for you.  (It took me awhile to settle in.)

Another great source of pretty-much-constant support is the BFB on FaceBook... it's a large and friendly group of folks who are sober, are working to get sober, are trying again to get sober... very friendly bunch, and you see updates from them throughout the day.  To join, find Elizabeth Cloud with the penguin icon and ask to "Friend" her. 

You can also find some good folks at www.stepchat.com and there are usually at least a few people in the Open Recovery Chat Room.  They have online meetings, too!

{{{HUGS}}} and best wishes to you!

[falk]

As MTF, my struggles are a bit different, but I haven't found a lot that is totally helpful. Staying busy helps, and I mean BUSY. I need to be occupied mentally and physically from the time I get up to when I go to sleep. I work 18+ hours some days just to cope. Staying busy in things that help me maintain a sense of self worth helps. I participate in my church (though totally closeted, they would probably expel me if they knew I was trans; very sad). I involve myself in my kids' lives.

Other than that, I don't have a lot of help offer. I wish I did.

Yeah, I work two jobs [part-time]. Studying for my GED, working on what I can do to transition. I try to stay busy and succeed most of the time but I'm largely de-motivated by a lot [mainly dysphoria] so there's too much time where I just stop....caring. Thanks for the response.

Hello falk 

I too would recommend trying a bunch of different AA meetings, to see which ones feel good for you.  (It took me awhile to settle in.)

Another great source of pretty-much-constant support is the BFB on FaceBook... it's a large and friendly group of folks who are sober, are working to get sober, are trying again to get sober... very friendly bunch, and you see updates from them throughout the day.  To join, find Elizabeth Cloud with the penguin icon and ask to "Friend" her. 

You can also find some good folks at www.stepchat.com and there are usually at least a few people in the Open Recovery Chat Room.  They have online meetings, too!

{{{HUGS}}} and best wishes to you!

I really hate Facebook because of it's "real name" policies and also it feels very old to me so I dislike using it in general. I'll check it out anyways. Thanks for the response.