Is there any hope to be on a level ground with my grandparents?

[cartowheel]

So I've already come out to my family (my grandparents on my mother's side, my parents, and my brothers), and everyone is super supportive except my grandparents.  I tried a second time last night to sit down the talk to them about my transition and about pronouns and my new name.  As you can probably guess, it didn't go well.  My grandpa just left the room and acted like none of this is happening.  My grandma, whom I have been super close to most of my life, is acting like I'm hurting her and only her feelings matter.  Like, I get that she's losing a part of me, and that this is a huge change.  I get that it'll take some time for my family to get used to the new pronouns and name, and I have to be patient with them.  But I feel like I lost both of them as soon as I came out.

My grandparents are super religious, catholic too, and she was telling me that she prays all the time that I'll change my mind, and that I'll go back to the 'beautiful girl' I once was.  She and my grandpa are outright refusing to acknowledge my feelings about this, even after I explained just how miserable I am with my dysphoria, describing to my grandma that I frequently feel like tearing out my vocal chords (her response to that was 'your voice is so beautiful'), that I constantly hide my chest from myself, and that I won't use gendered bathrooms no matter how much I have to use them (until it gets unbearable, of course).  I told her about how long I've felt this way, that it's not going to change, and asked if she'd rather I lie to her and not tell her what's going on even though I'd be transitioning under her nose.  She told me she'd rather I lie, and that after she turns 84 and my cousins graduate high school that she hopes she dies because she can't take the hurting.

She's also dead-set that biology determines what you like and don't like, telling me that we won't have the same shopping trips because I'll turn into my grandpa and not be interested in feminine things anymore, which I know won't happen.  I keep telling her that hormones won't change me in that way.

Is it unreasonable for me to think that she's being incredibly selfish?  I'm trying so hard to compromise with her, and be understanding to just be rejected like that.  Is it wrong of me to think that if this is what creates a rift between us, that it's their problem and not mine anymore?  Is there any way to get through to them when they are so stubborn?

I just

I'm sorry for venting like this.  It happened right after my therapy appointment, so I've only been able to talk to my mom and my finacee about this.

[DawnOday]

Your grandparents made the life as they saw fit. Time for you to do the same thing. It's nobody's decision but yours. As long as you have an informed knowledge of your circumstances, there is nothing wrong with your choice. Stress that you love them but this is your time. Good luck Hun.

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry that you are getting such resistance from someone you love.  Your grandparents are who they are, and, at their age, they will only change if they choose to.

You have to be who you are.  There isn't room to compromise on that.  Some people are able to compromise on specific behaviours, such as how you present, when you visit, etc., But only you can decide what, if any, you are able to compromise on.  When it comes to whether or not you transition or how you will transition, you have to do what you have to do.  People will either accept that or not.

By all means keep trying to get through to them if you have the energy for it.  But don't burn yourself out trying.  It may be that only time will change their minds.  Or maybe their minds will never change.  Their minds are their responsibility.

[FinallyMichelle]

It was long ago but my grandparents never managed to reconcile with me being a girl. The most I ever got was when my grandma was dying we would talk on the phone a good bit she said, "I know it's real, I know that you can't change it but I don't understand why. I don't see how we can approve, it's against god. What did we do wrong?" My grandfather never changed but we were never close, he disapproved of me being a "sissy" my whole life. He was never abusive, just never had much use for me.

Being yourself over time attitudes can change. Make it normal and some people will thaw.

[GCHR88]

Hey there,

I don't know you at all but your post really pulled at my heartstrings so I thought I'd reply .  What you are going through is rough no doubt and your grandparents reaction is not only selfish and hurtful but regrettably common place . I went through a similar experience when I came out to my father about 10 years ago , and it tore me up for years. Here's the deal, as much as we want to we can't control how others react to the news that a loved one is Trans.  Many parents and grandparents go through a mourning phase almost as if you are dying , as they feel the person they know is no more . Your best bet is to just show them that you are the same person just more authentic and hopefully they will come around. However , there are no guarantees and it is completely possible that they will never come around. And in a situation like that you have decide if the pain they cause you is worth a continued relationship. You are in no way obligated to stay in a painful situation. I know for myself I stuck around with my father for the better part of 8 years before he started to really come around. He would frequently dead name me , or misgender me in public and it tore me up , but I kept showing up and with time old wounds began to heal and he is still a work in progress. It took patience, a lot of heartache and a few ultimatums to get to the place we are in our relationship .  Your grandparents might come around , they might not , but regardless you are in no way indebted to them your happiness.  Best of luck .

[cartowheel]

Thanks for all of the great replies - they definitely make me feel a lot better.  Fortunately, my grandparents are still treating me like they always have, except for the transitioning part, of course.  I'll see where they are once they see me physically transition, and how that effects them.  I'm just glad that everyone else is supporting me completely with this and are trying to get through to them as well.  Heck, when I was talking to my grandma about this, my mom continued to defend me and tried to help me explain what transgender means to the best of her ability.  I'll more than likely update as time goes on, hopefully with good news.

[Ashley0808]

She's 84.  You have to remember that she's not no spring chicken anymore.  She would of been a teenager in the 1950's.   Your life style when she was your age is in complete contrast.  You don't just wake up after 8 decades on this earth and change your view.  You could duke it out with her for 5 years and get no where.

She's probably looking at you with your whole life ahead of you and thinking to herself that you are throwing it all away.  When people get to that age, their body is in steady decay, stamina, mental clarity, is all fading.  People born in the time frame of her especially in north America are notoriously religious and praying everyday for their salvation from a christian/catholic view point.

I'm sure at her age life is fairly slow, laid back with a focus on being as stress free and comfortable as possible.  I know you struggle with Trans issues.  How is someone her age going to handle it?

Simply put they can't.   This transition is adding stress to her and your grand father you will need to recognize

No I don't think they are being self at all.  I highly doubt they can ever comprehend and process what you are throwing at them.  Even with a nice long chat they may never understand. 

I know it's news you don't like, but they are very old people and they grew up in a very different time frame.

My teenage years was in the 1990's and even then compared to today is a very different world.

Good Luck.

PS don't scratch your vocal cords out.  It's tough but learn to love yourself.  You can still be trans without hating yourself

[Dena]

It is a different world however each generation had it's rebels. In the roaring 20's it was the flappers. In 50's it was the beatniks, in my generation it was the hippies and so on.  You could try starting the conversation by asking about while things your grandparents may have done when they were young. You might be surprised that your grandparents haven't always been as they seem.