Hi, we all have a story to tell, being transgender is full of problems and issues and I'm sure mine are no worse than anyone else's but since making the decision to fully transition almost two years ago I have made so many mistakes, many of which I'm sure if I'd had someone to guide me would not have been made. That said, even though I am still very much going through the mill and have more surgery in front of me and am in pain most of the time to some degree if I had the chance to go back to being the person I was there is no way I would do it. Living my life as the person I always knew I should have been is the most fulfilling thing I have ever experienced and the pure buzz of walking round my home town or any town and interacting with people is amazing. It is only 15 months since I first stepped out as Stephanie, I was so scared! But I have not looked back.
A very brief run down on my story is this: born intersex in 1961 in Yorkshire, England , modified at birth but never told of my beginnings. Knew from around nine or ten that all was not as it should have been but couldn't articulate this to anyone. Developed gynecomastia at twelve, taken to specialist but nothing ever done. Failed miserably at school due to physical and mental abuse and by this time was pretty sure I was on the wrong side but had no idea what to do about it. Eventually my work brought me to Western Australia. My second marriage fell apart as all of my relationships had as I was just too mixed up. Decided to get my life in order as I had been overweight for most of it but in dropping from 105kgs to 75 developed a thyroid problem. This uncovered a massive hormone imbalance and things started to unravel. Eventually got sent to a specialist who after examining me simply blurted out that I had been born intersex and modified and that the reason for my hormone issues was a result of my brain being more female than male so looking for a reason for my massive oestrogen levels was futile as they were being controlled by my head and stress level (at one point my oestrogen was 30 times more than a male my age should have had, 2780 ppm) after 8 months on a roller coaster when I came close to ending my life on several occasions I made the decision to transition. I have had the most amazing ride and the help I've received has been truly amazing but no one here has any experience so even though they have been incredibly kind to me I have made all the decisions myself. The biggest mistake was to go to Philadelphia for my GRS, I should have gone to Thailand but thought I was so clever in finding a surgeon who has ten years experience and does 200 per year and came with all the right credentials. After four months the first surgery went wrong, I was unable to dilate and was booked in for revision surgery which four months later went wrong again. While she and her team were kind to me, the surgery was wrong at the start, I could only ever get the smallest dilator in but nothing was said and even though I was never happy with how I looked I was always assured that it would heal and look authentic. It never has and never will. I am now considering having the vaginal passage removed and sewn up as the risk of leaving it to close on its own is too great in terms of internal infection. Hopefully when all has healed I can consider starting again in Thailand with the colon technique as the penile inversion method just didn't work for me.
My mistakes were many, I didn't ask enough questions, I never discussed with the surgeon what I wanted the end result to look like, I should have asked to see examples of her work, I should have questioned why I couldn't get the correct dilator anywhere near in after the first week. I should have made enquiries regarding the different techniques before heading to Philadelphia. I only had a very brief 15 minute consultation with the surgeon before it took place. What I should have done was to request a second Skype consult before leaving Australia to answer questions and really dig down into what my expectations were and what the limitations were and what the procedure would be if things went wrong. I would do things so differently if I was starting again now but I can't turn back the clocks so it is what it is and I will have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life. I really can't bear to even look at my vagina.
So the moral of the story is this. I have made so many mistakes that I want to help others so they don't do the same. It's so easy to get carried along with the euphoria of it all then it all goes pear shaped and you are left regretting all the mistakes you have made but there is often no one to guide you. The options are endless but sifting through the good and the bad is a nightmare and as much as I live in an idyllic place there is not a surgeon in the whole of Western Australia willing to help me now. Their attitude is that I went abroad to have the surgery so why should we help you now. I have even made enquiries in other states but don't even get a reply, it's like a punishment for going abroad!
So in short, if anyone is on the verge of booking surgery and wants to talk to me for advice then please reply to this. I so want to help people avoid the heartache I will live with for the rest of my days. But I say again, regardless of all the problems transitioning has been the most amazing thing and still worth the pain. I love being Stephanie so much. In a couple of weeks I am heading to the uk to attend my ex stepdaughter's wedding, I can't wait to see people, many of whom have not seen me as Stephanie yet. I can honestly say I have not had one unpleasant experience since becoming Stephanie, I have never felt I couldn't pass even though I am not good at putting on makeup and so hardly wear any. I'm sure people know I'm trans but don't have a problem with me just treat me as a person like anyone else. I love my life in a way I have never done before, I have an inner peace that was always missing xx
