Hey, I'm kinda new to the site and not even sure that I'm posting this on the right board, but here goes... I'm thirty-five and divorced a few years ago (a very ugly ordeal which resulted in a one-year estrangement from my kids, and thus, a lot of confusion and chaos for them). I've felt my whole life like I was essentially "in the wrong body." I can recall with clarity being no more than six years old and playing dress up with my mother's clothes. I never stopped doing this (later on with different clothes). There are other factors I consider to be evidence that I'm trans but I'll sacrifice those for now, for clarity's sake. Within a few years of attending school, certainly by grade 3, I was fantasizing about, not just dressing as a girl, but living as one. I remember over and again during that time wishing, pleading with god even, to make me a girl and asking him why I was born this way with these parts.
Right here I'll condense some of this story: Basically, for years I've suppressed all of the thoughts and desires that I perceived at the time to be unnatural or bizzare, almost entirely out of fear of judgement. So for years and up til recently, I kept to having "secret dress-up time" which, to this day, only two other people know about (and it was very recently that I even told them). These dress-up seshes were never fulfilling and a far cry from how I actually wanted to manifest instincts that came to me as naturally as breathing, but felt wrong because of (I guess) how these feelings were viewed by society at large. I think suppressing so much of myself for so long played a big part in the drug addictions and chronic depression that plagued me through my teens and twenties. The depression continues and has only worsened.
Over the past few years, however, due to our newer understanding of gender identity as well as a lot of inspiring people who're far less fearful than I, I feel the increasing need to stop living this lie and represent the gender with which I truly identify. To be honest, I feel a bit of a panic because I'm now in my mid-30's, I have practically nothing, I have a ton of problems I need to work out beyond this, and I'm sick of living a life that I consider to be basically a thirty-five year acting gig.
I've conceded that there are some members of my family to whom I won't exactly jump at the chance to come out and I'm okay with that. Thankfully, I can be honest with the ones who matter most. But here's my big issue: I don't know what to do about my kids. They're aged 12 (b), 11 (g), 6 (g). They lived almost the entirety of last year with me and my girlfriend at the time, before she threw a bipolar tantrum the day after Xmas, threw us all out, and flipped my kids' world upside down. I digress a bit but that event does factor in to the overall mental state of my kids, who have already been through it and had a really hard way to go the past few years. Between the divorce, the separation from me (we've always been very close), my ex throwing them out, and their mother's substance abuse problem (the reason they lived with me for a year), I don't think they're equipped to handle my transition. But I don't know what to do because my personal happiness, which I've never really felt at great length, will have to be sacrificed and it's just an utterly demoralizing thought. But it is a sacrifice I'll make for my kids, if necessary.
Anyway, I'm looking for feedback from anyone who has anything on it, even if my situation doesn't mirror anything you've experienced. If you think you can be helpful, please don't hesitate to share. Sorry for writing such a long post. Hope that's okay. Thanks in advance!
Denise/David
