Still Confused

[lindagrl]

Been quite a while since i have been here.  i was in the local trans program but chickened out after 2 years when it was time for hormones.  i used many excuses for it, such as potential family problems, social problems and even passed the blame onto others.  My doctor felt cheated, kept telling me how ready he was and that they at the clinic took me very seriously.  i felt i couldn't be honest with him, that after all the process i wasn't sure about taking the leap, i was embarrassed.  Am welcome to continue with them if and when i want and i appreciate that, but i don't think i will.

Am leaning more towards possibly being gender fluid

What i am coming to terms with is that i fluctuate, sometimes i am in feminine mode and sometimes masculine.  It's hard for me accept this reality, because i don't really like my masculine side, i don't even like the word. 
Still confused, maybe always will be.

[Jessica]

Hi Linda 🙋‍♀️ I do understand the feeling of being both genders, since I identify as gender fluid.  And yes, it is confusing.  I too feel much more feminine than my masculine side on the whole.
I took the hrt route so I could think, feel and appear more like my natural self.  At the moment, I can still pass as male when I want or need too, but I feel so much better knowing I am becoming more in tune with myself.

[lindagrl]

Hi Jessica.  Thanks so much for responding, it's valuable to me to hear other people's stories.  Am glad for you, that hrt helped you feel more in tune with yourself. 

Maybe fluctuating is me being in tune with myself, yet that idea frightens me.  i have this worry that i will keep searching for my identity for my whole life and yet i find myself often rejecting that search and declaring screw it, i am what i am.  Maybe i don't want to fit in with any group, maybe it's the rebel in me 

[Jessica]

Hi Jessica.  Thanks so much for responding, it's valuable to me to hear other people's stories.  Am glad for you, that hrt helped you feel more in tune with yourself. 

Maybe fluctuating is me being in tune with myself, yet that idea frightens me.  i have this worry that i will keep searching for my identity for my whole life and yet i find myself often rejecting that search and declaring screw it, i am what i am.  Maybe i don't want to fit in with any group, maybe it's the rebel in me 

I've come to the same conclusion... I am what I am.  Gender fluid has a extremely broad scope of personal reality.  How can you categorize it, when there are all these fluctuations in feelings.

[lindagrl]

I've come to the same conclusion... I am what I am.  Gender fluid has a extremely broad scope of personal reality.  How can you categorize it, when there are all these fluctuations in feelings.

  Exactly, you put that nicely.  Thank you kindly Jessica