I'm sure I'm transgender but confused by fear

[Lady Skylar]

Hello beautiful people. I'm hoping some of you can clear up some things in my head. I was born a male, but in the past year I've noticed a strong desire to be a woman. At least it seems my brain is telling me I'm actually a female. I'm really confused though because I'm in my early 50's now and I'm wondering why I didn't realize this sooner. I've always seemed to be very feminine. But I've also had a little bit of a masculine side as well. I mean the masculine things about me are that I do like watching sports on occasion, like baseball, football, and hockey, however I don't like the more barbaric type sports like boxing, MMC, or guys fighting of any kind. However I don't have to watch every game and I'm not addicted to sports, I just catch some sports every now and then. I played more with girls as a kid and had more friends who were girls than I did boys. I used to like putting on dresses when playing as a kid, and pretend I was a girl. I'm not saying I didn't have friends who were boys, I just had more who were girls. I remember saying to myself a lot of times "wow that girl is so pretty I wish I were as pretty, and sexy as she is" but it never really registered to me other than thinking wow she is gorgeous. When I was in middle and high school I hated showering in the boys locker rooms for a few reasons. For one because I didn't go through puberty until I was in high school. I was MUCH smaller down there than the other boys, if you know what I mean. I didn't like body hair and started shaving it all off when I did finally start getting pubic hair in high school. I didn't like standing at urinals to pee. In fact I always sit to this day. I remember I would sneak in my mom's panty drawer and put her panties on. I remember when I would see her taking a bath and thinking I'm supposed to look more like her aren't I? To this day I only wear women's panties and sometimes will wear women's jeans outside of the house, and I feel really comfortable in them. I don't get wet wearing women's panties like I read a lot of times guys say they always do. I just feel that I'm just supposed to be wearing them and it's not sexual for me. I have been orally sexual with men twice before, and honestly I liked it. I am also fond of using anal toys, however I don't consider myself gay, maybe bi though. I just think that's normal for a woman. I'm still attracted sexually to women but I do also notice an attraction to men sexually. I did end up going in the Army and getting married as well as having children. I know this is a long story but I think it's important to know where my mind is and my past. I went to see a LGBT therapist and she confirmed I'm suffering from gender dysphoria. Since she diagnosed me I feel like the fear of moving forward with HRT and GRS is making me question if I'm really transgender. What I mean is I would love to go forward with it but my fears are getting the best of me. I'm afraid at my age I won't be pretty or just look like a man dressed as a woman. I can't afford all the feminine facial surgeries that would probably be required to make me passable. I'm afraid of how my current wife, children and immediate family will handle it, and after they will most likely disown me. I do have a younger brother who is gay and my older brother always messes with him and is not very nice about it. I'm not so worried about friends because I can make new friends. So after this long history my question is this. I notice that maybe my fear of transitioning because of the reasons I listed have me sometimes saying to myself I can't be a woman or don't want to be a woman. But then an hour later I'm right back to wishing I were 100% a woman. Have any of you ever experienced this same dilemma? Is it maybe my fears that sometimes have me thinking I really don't or can't ever be a woman? I'm so scared. Thank you in advance for all your considerate replies. Skylar

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Lady Skylar!

Welcome to Susan's.

The fear is perfectly normal.  So is your path of not figuring it all out until well into middle age.  I only figured it out at age 61, and transitioned at 62.  Our story is more common than that of the cute little kids we see in the news who transition at age 7.  You will find many older transitioners here on Susan's.

It certainly sounds from your history like you are probably trans, and the diagnosis of gender dysphoria from your therapist confirms it.  So the question is what to do about it.  Dysphoria tends to get worse the older we get, which is one reason why you are only figuring it out now.

I would strongly recommend talking to a gender therapist, to help you explore your way forward.  You need to work out exactly what you want and how to deal with the people in your life.

I would also suggest looking at some of the threads here where people post photos of themselves.  There are many "before and after" photos of members, and while some have had facial surgery, most have not.  Many people have had amazing transformations just on hormones.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[krobinson103]

I started at 43 and have no need of surgery for either face or breasts. Hormones can be VERY effective if you give them a chance. If you get the point of HRT let it run for a while and you may be surprised.

[Devlyn]

Hi Lady Skylar, welcome to Susan's Place! 

... I notice that maybe my fear of transitioning because of the reasons I listed have me sometimes saying to myself I can't be a woman or don't want to be a woman. But then an hour later I'm right back to wishing I were 100% a woman. Have any of you ever experienced this same dilemma? ...

Here's your problem, you're struggling with self acceptance. Once you get that worked out, everything else you mentioned will fall like dominoes. I've been here forever, and watched this a million times. Trust me. 

Thank you for your service...now get your ass over to Roll Call!  

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Donna]

Give it time and try not to question it too much, only seems to deepen the confusion. Don't get down on the passing issue, as was said HRT is very powerful and the changes can be surprising and are life changing especially when you are ready to embrace them.
People that I've know for ages don't recognize me and I've only been on meds since may 2017 and Estrogen since January 2018.

[Rachel]

Hi,

Welcome to Susan's

I first came here 5.5 years ago in a frantic state. People here help me through a very difficult time in my life.

What you do and to what degree is up to you. How fast or how slow you go is up to you. Some people go part time and some people go low dose HRT. Other people go full time and have a lot of procedures. 

Conversely, others can welcome, accept, tolerate or reject as they want. Education and time can help. Social pressure and how they treat others is a factor too.

I know for me when I finally accepted myself and found out what was the root of my self hate and addressed it then I was able to finally like who I am.

Good luck,
Rachel

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Lady Skylar

I share some of your history and only recently did I finally decide to take action on my trans status (aged 62).

Like me you have seen a therapist and benefitted I believe by accepting yourself as transgender. I say that as you do accept on the whole but have some doubts. My advice on that score is do not worry as we all have doubts both at the start and subsequently.

I would advise HRT - we all start on low dose - and then see how you (body and mind) react. I have only been on HRT 10 weeks but feel a sense of peace already and look forward to the physical changes.

However it is your decision to proceed or not and I wish you the best on whatever route you choose.

Pamela

[BlueJaye]

Hi, Skylar,
Transition is a process that should be taken and evaluated one step at a time. No two women have the same path and many of us aren't going to the same destination.

I would approach it with no particular end goal in mind other than easing gender dysphoria.

I was really convinced that I needed to go all way, from HRT to major surgeries. Then I started HRT. Even on a low dose of Spiro and estradiol, I have felt so much better that I am now questioning whether I need anything more than low dose HRT. For the first time in my life, I feel like I could live without doing a lot more. The idea of just presenting as a feminine man or non-binary actually doesn't seem so bad now.

Could this all change as I progress with HRT? It very well could. But the experience has certainly broadened my views on what transition can be. Getting treatment that makes life better doesn't have to involve huge changes to your body, not for everyone anyway. Some people will definitely need to have surgeries, others may not.

Just take it one step at a time with your therapist. Try not to fixate on any particular goal other than easing gender dysphoria. As you progress through treatment, you will know what works and what doesn't.

[Bari Jo]

Here's your problem, you're struggling with self acceptance. Once you get that worked out, everything else you mentioned will fall like dominoes. I've been here forever, and watched this a million times. Trust me. 

I agree with this 1000%.  It took me 46 years to finally accept that I had to transition just to function.  This is different than personal acceptance.  That came for me during transition.  I still had tremendous fear and self loathing, and internalized transphobia.  After a few months of pushing the boundaries in presenting, I realize I'm actually happier in this state, and accept myself.

A therapist will help.  I've avoided them like the plague thinking my problems would go away.  Now though with acceptance, I don't need a therapist.

Bari Jo

[Lady Skylar]

Hello Lady Skylar

I share some of your history and only recently did I finally decide to take action on my trans status (aged 62).

Like me you have seen a therapist and benefitted I believe by accepting yourself as transgender. I say that as you do accept on the whole but have some doubts. My advice on that score is do not worry as we all have doubts both at the start and subsequently.

I would advise HRT - we all start on low dose - and then see how you (body and mind) react. I have only been on HRT 10 weeks but feel a sense of peace already and look forward to the physical changes.

However it is your decision to proceed or not and I wish you the best on whatever route you choose.

Pamela

Thank you Pamela for your advice. I really appreciate it. Skylar

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

[Lady Skylar]

Hi, Skylar,
Transition is a process that should be taken and evaluated one step at a time. No two women have the same path and many of us aren't going to the same destination.

I would approach it with no particular end goal in mind other than easing gender dysphoria.

I was really convinced that I needed to go all way, from HRT to major surgeries. Then I started HRT. Even on a low dose of Spiro and estradiol, I have felt so much better that I am now questioning whether I need anything more than low dose HRT. For the first time in my life, I feel like I could live without doing a lot more. The idea of just presenting as a feminine man or non-binary actually doesn't seem so bad now.

Could this all change as I progress with HRT? It very well could. But the experience has certainly broadened my views on what transition can be. Getting treatment that makes life better doesn't have to involve huge changes to your body, not for everyone anyway. Some people will definitely need to have surgeries, others may not.

Just take it one step at a time with your therapist. Try not to fixate on any particular goal other than easing gender dysphoria. As you progress through treatment, you will know what works and what doesn't.

Thank you

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

[Lady Skylar]

I agree with this 1000%.  It took me 46 years to finally accept that I had to transition just to function.  This is different than personal acceptance.  That came for me during transition.  I still had tremendous fear and self loathing, and internalized transphobia.  After a few months of pushing the boundaries in presenting, I realize I'm actually happier in this state, and accept myself.

A therapist will help.  I've avoided them like the plague thinking my problems would go away.  Now though with acceptance, I don't need a therapist.

Bari Jo

Thank you

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

[Lady Skylar]

Hi, Lady Skylar!

Welcome to Susan's.

The fear is perfectly normal.  So is your path of not figuring it all out until well into middle age.  I only figured it out at age 61, and transitioned at 62.  Our story is more common than that of the cute little kids we see in the news who transition at age 7.  You will find many older transitioners here on Susan's.

It certainly sounds from your history like you are probably trans, and the diagnosis of gender dysphoria from your therapist confirms it.  So the question is what to do about it.  Dysphoria tends to get worse the older we get, which is one reason why you are only figuring it out now.

I would strongly recommend talking to a gender therapist, to help you explore your way forward.  You need to work out exactly what you want and how to deal with the people in your life.

I would also suggest looking at some of the threads here where people post photos of themselves.  There are many "before and after" photos of members, and while some have had facial surgery, most have not.  Many people have had amazing transformations just on hormones.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Thank you Kathy. A huge thank you to this group. I'm glad to be a part and feel honored to be accepted.

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

[Lady Skylar]

I started at 43 and have no need of surgery for either face or breasts. Hormones can be VERY effective if you give them a chance. If you get the point of HRT let it run for a while and you may be surprised.

Thank you KRobinson

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

[Lady Skylar]

Hi Lady Skylar, welcome to Susan's Place! 

Here's your problem, you're struggling with self acceptance. Once you get that worked out, everything else you mentioned will fall like dominoes. I've been here forever, and watched this a million times. Trust me. 

Thank you for your service...now get your ass over to Roll Call!   [emoji23]

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you Devlyn. I am struggling right now but I'm sure that is just temporary. All the responses so far have been great and a huge benefit.

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

[CarlyMcx]

Hi Lady Skylar!

I am 55, and I started transitioning at 53.  What you see in my profile photo is me—no photoshopping or feminizing apps.  I have not had any surgery, just hormones.  Give hormones a chance—modern hormone therapy can work miracles.

I've reached a point where I pass well enough that getting outed by friends who accidentally drop a male pronoun is a bigger worry than getting clocked.

Have faith.  The miracle you've been praying for might come from a bottle of estradiol.  It did for me.

Hugs, Carly

[Lady Skylar]

Hi Lady Skylar!

I am 55, and I started transitioning at 53.  What you see in my profile photo is me—no photoshopping or feminizing apps.  I have not had any surgery, just hormones.  Give hormones a chance—modern hormone therapy can work miracles.

I've reached a point where I pass well enough that getting outed by friends who accidentally drop a male pronoun is a bigger worry than getting clocked.

Have faith.  The miracle you've been praying for might come from a bottle of estradiol.  It did for me.

Hugs, Carly

Thanks Carly. You look great. You give me hope. Makes me more excited and eager to get started on hormones.

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