Confused with myself. Wodering if there is anybody like me?

[Zoeyang]

Hello Everyone,

I am Zoe and new to this forum. I come from Beijing, China and currently going to school in Michigan. I found this forum very friendly and this is literally like my first time ever posting long stuff in English online. I am a liittle bit excited and hopefully I don't make too many grammar mistakes that make my thread un-readable

I would say I am a genderfluid but not totally sure. I don't hate the fact I am a male. Actually I have played a good and fit male role for more than 20 years and nothing went wrong. However, starting a few years ago, when I first get to know the term '->-bleeped-<-' or 'ladyboy', my world has changed. (I am sorry if I offend anyone with these words.) From then on, I kept dreaming about how fantastic it would be to have a fit, busty and sexy female body while keeping my male parts down below. I don't want fully transitioning into a female. My dream is to become a sexy ->-bleeped-<- with functioning penis.

From above, you may see me as some horny sissy or crossdresser who is controlled over by lust and labido. However, if that's the case, things can be much easier. As I recall my childhood and juvenile time, I love to wear my mother's stockings and heels without knowing why I am doing this. I also had sex with my cousin brother as bottom when I was 13 years old but it didn't last long because we are both somewhat awkward on it. Back then, everything is just instinct and natural: I want to do this and I love this! I have always admired the beauty of female and I guess I am too much obsessed that I want myself to have the same image as a beautiful woman.

In the recent years, after I discovered the world of transgender, my transgender desire goes up and down. There are times I would buy tons of female clothing and seize every possible chance to wear them. (I have not come out so mostly wear panties, bra and stocking inside my male outfit.) There are also times I don't feel much of the urge to transition and control myself from thinking about transgender stuff. I tried many many many times to end this 'sissy', or 'crossdressing' or transgender stuff once for all but it always comes back. I had a few sex with males in the past few years. I thought I must have loved it but it turns out normal and plain.

I hate to label myself as crossdresser. I truly love female figures, clothing, and behavior. If I have a chance to choose without thinking about my friends, partner and parents as well as the society, I will turn myself into a sexy ladyboy and find someone (doesn't matter he or she) who understands me and loves me.

Okay, that's a brief introduction. I wonder am I sick? Am I part of the transgender family? Does anyone has similar experience and what I should do.

Zoe Yang

[krobinson103]

Not everyone wants total transition. I'm happy not to have a vagina. want the rest though, just as long as everything down there is NON functional. In respect to a really killer figure on hrt and still being able to use the equipment you are rolling the dice. Many (including me) find that once t leaves stuff stops working. Not sure how the movie actresses do it, I suspect low level hrt and limited t blockers.

[Jessica]

Hi Zoe 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
For many of us, the urge and purge routine was something we have struggled with.  Eventually you find the strength to go forward.  First off on any undertaking of this scale you should talk to your doctor and or a gender therapist.  Then you can find the right path to take.
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

If you are one of our younger members, please stop by the Youth Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

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[Donna]

Zoe we all have different ideas of where and what we see as a final result, at least for now.
Their are lots of us that are fine with retaining some bits and pieces and others that want it all done. That's what makes us great, we can all be different but the same and just as accepting of each other.
How ever far you go is your choice and yours alone. Just follow your heart and as far as I'm concerned there are some drop dead beautiful she males and ladyboys.