Quote from: dizz on August 05, 2018, 02:10:59 AM
I am attracted to women for the moment. I am pre-hrt. One my friend from high school told me that he is in love with me. Even if he is married with a CIS woman he didn't felt that much feeling for someone for the last 20 years. That made my day but at the same time I don't know if I will ever be attracted to males...
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Hi Dizz, 05 August 2018
What I'm about to tell you is about me and will not make me look good. It's a part of my life as a male that I am ashamed of, regret and cannot justify.
I married for the first time when I was almost 30. I had a beautiful and loving wife; I couldn't have dreamt of a better wife, lady and lover. She treated me like a king.
To shorten the story, I started to cheat; I ran around like a Tomcat; I lied to my wife, everyone around me and of all people, I lied to myself. Eventually we got divorced and I ended up marrying one of the women I was running around with. That really worked out great; I couldn't trust her and she couldn't trust me. Great foundation for a relationship that ultimately self destructed.
Speaking about me back then: I was a married man that went out and hit on woman; I wasn't worth the time of day. I wrecked several lives including my own. The damage I did was not instantly apparent to me because I continued to lie to myself. Eventually, I came to the realization that what I had done was devastating to my first wife, and several other people. I had messed up lives I had no right to harm. The realization of the severity of my wanton destruction of innocent lives became my own private hell.
In 2007 after I made it known that I wished to apologize to her; she reached out and contacted me. We talked for a long time; I apologized for what I had done and told her that none of what happened was her fault. I was solely to blame for everything. The next thing that she said hit me like a punch to the face from Mike Tyson; she said for the 30+ years that had passed she always thought it was her fault. She had spent that time in a prison of my making.
In the ensuing years we talked quite often, every week. I could almost set my watch by her calls. Then one day the expected call didn't come. I started worrying; a week later she called. I told her I was worried about her. Her response was the coup de gras I deserved. She said: "When you left, I sat by the phone every night for two years waiting for you to call... you never did." At that moment I felt like the lowest piece of scum on earth. I came to the full realization of the severity of my selfish actions and there was nothing I could do to justify or rectify what I had done. Even though she forgave me, I cannot escape the living hell I made, nor do I want to; I owe it to her. I cannot forgive myself, but I can make absolutely sure I will never do it again and I haven't.
She passed away in 2012; I feel responsible for that also (another story).
The whole story would take up too much space and this isn't the correct thread to tell it. My sole purpose in posting this here is to caution everyone about having relationships while being married or having them with someone who is. Rarely will it ever lead to good, innocent lives will be harmed. No one has a right to harm anyone else.
Many of us in this community have been harmed to some degree by others who had no right to do so. We don't like it and neither does anyone else;
"Do No Harm."Wishing all here a wonderful happy life.
Last but not least, you are looking absolutely beautiful Dizz, keep going and best of luck.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
