What is the role of random chance in guiding us in our transitions and beyond? Does everything go according to plan, or are there moments of serendipity that jolt us into a new level of understanding or self-acceptance? As the Grateful Dead sang in Scarlet Begonias, "Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right." I seem to be having lots of moments like this, and was wondering if others on this discussion board find value in the most unusual and accidental places?
Case in point. At a Christmas get-together with colleagues last night, the conversation turned to an undergraduate student in our department who came out as transsexual at the beginning of the fall term. She had a boyname like Robert and picked a girlname a little out of the ordinary, Serendipity. Anyway, my professor colleagues — certainly not behaving trans-phobic, but clearly sympathetic — used the word "unfortunate" several times about her: "what an unfortunate choice of dress," "Serendipity is such an unfortunate name," "he, or she (i don't know!) has an unfortunate build to have chosen to be a transsexual."
At this point, my mind turned to imagining them talking about me in the not-too-distant future: "Joyce is such an unfortunate name! What was he thinking?" or "He's the most selfish man, er... woman (what is he, anyway?) I've ever met — didn't he, er... she think of the kids?" or "He's got unfortunate features that will always make him ugly — it's really unfortunate that he, er... she... wants a sex change."
I withdrew into my sad inner mind, feeling like these imaginary voices were right, that I am an unrealistic fool for doing this, that I will soon cease to be a member of any friendly discussion and become a permanent member of the outside, always cordially spoken to, but always excluded. I felt myself slide into this self-conscious, self-critical mood I recognize all too well, and then I was angry at myself to allowing this mood of self-pity to take over.
However, I'm feeling much better this morning, having been wrapped in love by my family and having watched my children play with their Christmas toys. In reflecting on last night, I now believe that last night's discussion was indeed serendipity, for I have discovered something important entirely by accident or chance. The chance lesson? I got a glimpse into the good-natured gossip I can look forward to — not malicious or mean, but certainly inquisitive. I got a disclosure-free lesson into how my colleagues are likely to react to my announcement and a vision of how I myself might react to the inevitable barbs (intentional or unintentional) I'll feel in the future. I failed last night, but I'm beginning to realize that these feelings or failures are normal, and that they, like coming out, will get easier to deal with the more I encounter them.
So I got serendipity for Christmas. How about you?
