The path of least embarrassment.

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. I ended up getting sucked into another of my uncles conversations. Yesterday I went to my grandma's to help her clean her carpets. My grandpa had my stupid uncle with him when he came home. I didn't speak to my uncle other than to say hi back to him. I thought just maybe he would leave without trying to get into a conversation with me but no, no such luck. He asked me if my SRS is still happening soon and I told him yes, that it was 4 weeks away and that I wasn't having a discussion with him about it. He said to please answer just one question for him. I told him no but he asked it anyway. He asked if I really want this surgery or was I just having it because my dad wants me to have it. I asked him what on earth he was talking about. He said he knew my dad had pushed me to have hrt and now he was pushing me to have surgery but that he was wondering if that's actually what I want.  I told him that was really stupid and that my dad never pushed me to do anything. Then he asked me why I thought my dad was ok with all of it and why he has been so willing to help me.

I told him because my dad loves me and wants me to be happy. He snorted and told me I really needed to stop thinking of my dad as a big hero and stop putting him on a pedestal. He said my dad wasn't being so helpful with my transition because he's so supportive but for his own selfish reasons, to spare himself embarrassment. He said having a gay son is a major embarrassment for any father. He said I look like a real girl and my dad can pass me off as his "daughter" and be spared the embarrassment of having a gay son. He said the only reason he had allowed me transition and had helped me do it was because he realized there was a good chance I would be able to look convincing as a girl. He said if I had been big and manly looking my dad would never have been supportive because if I couldn't pass as a girl that would be even more embarrassing for him than having a "->-bleeped-<-" son. He said my dad was only supportive because me transitioning was the least embarrassing thing for him.

I didn't even bother saying anything else to him. I know my dad and I know he only wants me to be happy. That my uncle would say those things about him hoping I might believe them is just so messed up! That's really low. I so need a few replacement relatives!

[Doreen]

Hi everyone. I ended up getting sucked into another of my uncles conversations. Yesterday I went to my grandma's to help her clean her carpets. My grandpa had my stupid uncle with him when he came home. I didn't speak to my uncle other than to say hi back to him. I thought just maybe he would leave without trying to get into a conversation with me but no, no such luck. He asked me if my SRS is still happening soon and I told him yes, that it was 4 weeks away and that I wasn't having a discussion with him about it. He said to please answer just one question for him. I told him no but he asked it anyway. He asked if I really want this surgery or was I just having it because my dad wants me to have it. I asked him what on earth he was talking about. He said he knew my dad had pushed me to have hrt and now he was pushing me to have surgery but that he was wondering if that's actually what I want.  I told him that was really stupid and that my dad never pushed me to do anything. Then he asked me why I thought my dad was ok with all of it and why he has been so willing to help me.

I told him because my dad loves me and wants me to be happy. He snorted and told me I really needed to stop thinking of my dad as a big hero and stop putting him on a pedestal. He said my dad wasn't being so helpful with my transition because he's so supportive but for his own selfish reasons, to spare himself embarrassment. He said having a gay son is a major embarrassment for any father. He said I look like a real girl and my dad can pass me off as his "daughter" and be spared the embarrassment of having a gay son. He said the only reason he had allowed me transition and had helped me do it was because he realized there was a good chance I would be able to look convincing as a girl. He said if I had been big and manly looking my dad would never have been supportive because if I couldn't pass as a girl that would be even more embarrassing for him than having a "->-bleeped-<-" son. He said my dad was only supportive because me transitioning was the least embarrassing thing for him.

I didn't even bother saying anything else to him. I know my dad and I know he only wants me to be happy. That my uncle would say those things about him hoping I might believe them is just so messed up! That's really low. I so need a few replacement relatives!

Well... he sounds like a royal A*.. And no that's not ace.  You can pick your friends but not your family.  Personally if I was around such a toxic person I'd just up & leave, no discussion after that little exchange.  Don't need that kind of negativity in anyones life.

You are a wonderful person, be yourself.   And more importantly, it appears you have family that loves you... that is rare and precious gift (excluding him of course).   Hugs

[V M]

He sounds a bit of a mixer and trying to stir the pot just to be a wank, knowing me I'd probably have told him what bus to catch and to go get stuffed

[RobynTx]

The best way to get a man to shut up is to play their masculinity card against them. Just inform him that trangenderism has been show to be genetic and that it was passed down to you.  It doesn't go parent to offspring but rather uncle to niece.  Also I'd tell if that if he is that interested in your SRS that you could get him a business card of the doctor doing it.

[Charlie Nicki]

What an idiot!!! Wow.

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[josie76]

Your uncle is extremely homophobic and transphobic. I'm sorry you have such relatives.

I like Robyn's comment about offering to give your uncle the name of the surgeon. I might have also said how so many extreme homophobes like him are secretly gay and just to ashamed of themselves that they lash out at others who are able to move to their happiness.
Either way he sounds like a very unhappy person. I have an uncle like that also. He ignors me which is fine but he also ignors my 7 and 9 year old kids now. Our house is right next to my grandparents so my kids go back and forth all the time. Now if my uncle comes over my 7 year old will run home and say she doesn't want to go to grandma's because he is there. At least he has only said his negative stuff to my grandma and his wife.

[KathyLauren]

Not only is your uncle homophobic and transphobic, but has a serious hate on for your father.  They are brothers, I assume?  Sibling rivalry.  He is jealous of your father because he has something your uncle doesn't: a heart.

You definitely need a replacement for that relative!

[sarah1972]

Ugh, so sorry Julia! You do not deserve this. There must be some really ugly blood between him and your dad. Your uncle also does not seem to have a clue what he is talking about, there is pretty much everything wrong with his statements.

Your dad is extremely supportive, loving and caring and do not let anyone tell you any different.

I am sure you could find a few honorary replacement honorary here - I would volunteer as replacement aunt! (given that I am a bit older than your dad, it would work out too). I already have 7 nieces and nephews, the more than merrier :-)

Oh - and I knew you planned SRS but I was not aware it is only 4 weeks away! So happy for you, this is something to focus on and you should not let any negativity affect you :-) You are strong, you are beautiful, kind, with a big heart and a loving immediate family.

[Kylo]

Maybe I'm wrong but in the current situation it still seems less embarrassing to have a gay son than a trans one if everyone knew. Gay is at least a known quantity to most people, even ignorant ones, but trans is wtf territory for a lot of people still. If your dad was trying to hide something - which it doesn't sound like anyway - encouraging you to transition was hardly gonna be the "easy road", was it. People knew you from before anyway, how's he gonna hide that? Sounds like BS from your uncle.

[Jessica]

Julia, I'm sorry you had this run in with your uncle.  He truly has a mean spirit in him.  If there is a next time, please do yourself a favor and entirely ignore him. No touch, no talk, no eye contact as Cesar Milan would say.  Treat him like a dog in training and shush him if he reacts!  Do not get pulled into his nonsense.

[Susan Baum]

Not only is your uncle homophobic and transphobic, but has a serious hate on for your father.  They are brothers, I assume?  Sibling rivalry.  He is jealous of your father because he has something your uncle doesn't: a heart.

You definitely need a replacement for that relative!

I have a bit of a different take. Odd as it sounds, I have a bit of compassion for your uncle. That is not to say I wouldn't do everything I could to avoid him like the plague but families being what they are...

Yes, I have some compassion for this sallow and lifeless shell of a person; I wouldn't like to spend a moment in his skin. Homophobic/transphobic definitions don't even scratch the surface; he probably feels totally insignificant in his own life (and maybe even has GID issues of his own) so he's compensated by building a wall of hate towards everybody unlike him. He is jealous of you and of your father and anyone else who has love and care and compassion in their hearts and tries to bully them out of his interactions. Uncle is so incapable of love, anyone else showing it drives him absolutely nuts.

Congratulations on your upcoming surgery. Those who care will be with you, even if we can't be there in person.

Hugs
Susan

[Charlie Nicki]

Maybe I'm wrong but in the current situation it still seems less embarrassing to have a gay son than a trans one if everyone knew. Gay is at least a known quantity to most people, even ignorant ones, but trans is wtf territory for a lot of people still. If your dad was trying to hide something - which it doesn't sound like anyway - encouraging you to transition was hardly gonna be the "easy road", was it. People knew you from before anyway, how's he gonna hide that? Sounds like BS from your uncle.

I agree with all of this.

[MaryT]

There's an Arabic saying, "I curse my son and I hate the man who says Amen", meaning that just because someone insults their own relative, it doesn't follow that other people should agree.

However, I'm sorry but I can't help myself.  Your uncle is a fully paid up, lifetime member of the Jerk Club.

I wouldn't give him your surgeon's business card, though.  That might be a good idea for a reasonable man with a genuine interest but your uncle seems like someone who might start harassing your surgeon as well.

[Toni]

Hi Julia, haven't been here in a while, but something said to visit today.  Forget people like this and ask your Dad to do something to shield you from him and his behavior.  You don't need any of this during your recovery period, just concentrate on your healing and recovery.  SRS in just four weeks, couldn't be happier for you and you will find it so natural that you'll be amazed!  Lots of hugs, Toni

[MaryT]

I'll say one thing for your uncle.  I grudgingly admire his creativity in inventing ways of blaming your father for your being transgender. 

Taken together, your posts could already form the basis of a great book and movie based on your life.  In the meantime, here is the abridged script from an episode of the subtitled silent movie serial (based on your uncle's version of events).

                              Jack or Julia?     Episode 2

The story up to now:  Jack's father has heard that Jack was seen kissing a boy!

[Dramatic piano music here.]

Father:   Jack!  What is the meaning of this?  Is it it true?

Jack:      Yes father, it is true.  I am gay.

Father:   What?  No son of mine shall be gay.  Think of my position in the community.
             From now on you shall be my daughter and wear girls' clothes.  Your name will be Julia!

Jack:      Please , no father!  I'm begging you.  I don't want to be a girl!

Father:   Silence!  I will make the arrangements at the Transgender Health Care Center.
             You shall have the operation forthwith!  And with forth if nethetharry!

Jack is dragged into the operating theatre and burly nurses strap him to the table.  The fiendish Dr Goole enters the room and dons black surgical gloves.

[Grim piano music here.]

Dr Goole: Don't worry, my dear.  After the operation, you won't feel a thing.  Get it?  Never mind.

Jack:      Oh please, won't somebody save me?

In the meantime, Jack's mother has told his uncle about his plight.

Uncle:     Try not worry.  There may still be time.  I'll do my very best to save him.

Jack's uncle mounts his horse and gallops to the rescue.

[Exciting piano music here.]

Will Jack's uncle save him from becoming Julia?  Find out in the next exciting episode of Jack or Julia?

                                      SPOILER ALERT

Jack's uncle doesn't make it in time and Jack becomes Julia.  That was always Jack's secret and dearest wish and she lives happily ever after.



                                     







 

[Allison S]

He's a fart don't pay him any mind
May be he senses you and/or your dad care? Some people love getting a reaction, one of my sisters is like this. She always put me down saying my brother is better looking than I am, that my mom spoils me, I'm irresponsible... And the list goes on. I was just moisturizing my legs and I saw the scars from the cuts I got as a kid... I have this sick feeling that this wasn't an accent and my sister purposefully hurt me with the sharp nail. Well I don't know for sure but I think she's always hated me.

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[Lady Sarah]

Many of us know someone that toxic. The best thing we can do is stay away from them. Personally, I have zero contact with my adoptive family. I don't need them I have never needed them. The same goes for you and your uncle, just as it is between you and your mother. Anyone whom does nothing but cause pain and misery deserves to be shunned. Remain among those whom love you, and live in peace, young lady.

[MaryT]

In retrospect, I regret calling your uncle a member of the Jerk Club (at least calling him a lifetime member).  He is transphobic and deluded and has even harassed you in your workplace, and your recent experience shows that he is not letting up.

However, he may have one saving grace.  By projecting his own macho fears onto you, he may genuinely believe that he is trying to save you from a fate worse than death.

You can confound your disapproving relatives by showing them that SRS made you into a happy and complete woman, not a miserable and mutilated boy.  I hope that it will eventually lead to your family also becoming complete again.

[Bari Jo]

Julia, you never disappoint.  I love your posts and vividly can't stand your uncle!  I am pretty sure it would be easier to have a gay son.* I tried to be anything but trans myself to make it easier.  Nope, doesn't work.  keep on your path.  You'll be happy and that will make your dad happy.  As for your uncle, who care;)

Bari Jo

[Alanna1990]

ohhh Julia... everytime you talk about your demented uncle it makes my blood boil, there should be a way to never see him again.