Y'all are sweet, I feel like I am misrepresenting something. It wasn't that bad. Small aggravations for the most part. Getting beat up really sucked and work was bad but the rest was very petty people tearing someone down in order to make themselves look bigger.
It just gets to me sometimes, like how is it possible that no one has experienced any of this. As a child I didn't know how to be around boys at all, when I was forced out to be with them anyway my brother and his friends made me do all sorts of things. For instance, ride my bike from my neighbor's driveway to ours with my pants around my knees. All kinds of things like that. I was so different and I knew it because everyone, adults and children, never let me forget how unlike them I was. Everyone thinks that sexual abuse is horrible and it is really but...
So, scenario like the above, me being the object of all the neighbors jokes. When they were going into puberty they needed me for something I was included for the first time in my life. I was accepted. During my year of hell I was constantly in fear, never knowing when he would get angry and violent. When he came into my room at night, or put his arm around me in the barn when, or pulled over on a deserted dirt road, I knew I was safe. For that time he was nice. When I was in the mental hospital because I told my family that I couldn't be a boy anymore and I hadn't seen anybody in my family for months. No one would talk to me but the doctors and them only when they were working with me. The orderly was in his early 20s probably, not attractive or even clean and I was only 14, definitely wrong I know but I never said a word and did whatever he wanted. He treated me like a human being. He was gross but...
All of that was long ago, it's over and okay really. 🙂 Just a slightly unusual life. It does help me explain that everything is not as horrible as it should be or as it sounds. After that year on the farm with the abusive uncle when I ended up in West Virginia I was completely lost in the new school, new everything and my only friend and first real friend since I was six or seven, was the girl that lived next door. Her mother never had anything to do with my brother or I, her father was amazing though. Her mom, most of the people if I am being honest, treated us like we were scum but even worse, she was the a gym teacher and would not let her daughter talk to me at school at all. I hated her completely, she was nasty and vile. After being in the hospital and everything that happened immediately after, all really awful, another time in my life I would not wish on anyone, I did not handle it well. I found out years later she followed everywhere I went and smoothed things over and made my life easier. She made sure that I never had to go into a locker room again the rest of the time I was in school and that I only ever had to use the teachers bathroom. She kept me out of jail as I got more and more violent. She made it so I could live on my own and not have to do foster care when state removed me from home when my grandma got physically abusive. She helped me get by in school for years when my attendance was awful because I had to work. She still to this day will not speak to me, but I will always be grateful to her. Awful but not right? Very few things are all bad, my life was weird but not all bad. It's nothing, just life being life so we live it and move on. No one has to feel bad for me, for anything. Especially my transition, whatever happened was soooooooo worth it! I would do it over and over again to get right here.
Here is the other thing and this may sound terrible, I feel terrible even writing it but I will anyway and feel crappy about myself after.
I have been told and have always thought that the awful things that have happened in my life were because of the way that I am. I am so different than everyone else. Then one day I find out that I am not alone, that there are others like me. Woo hoo! That is not how it works out though is it. I hate sports, hate them, I love the Philadelphia Eagles though. I have a photo of me in a group of children when I was 5 or 6 and everyone who knows me can pick me out right away even though you can't see my face. I was wearing an Eagles sweat shirt. So I am a bit of a fan but that does not make me anything like any other fan does it? So we are not all alike 😁 I get that. When I am feeling down like I have been recently, not transition related, it get to me sometimes. Like really? Nothing? It's all been good? I get a bit pissy about it actually and want to scream at god or the universe or whatever. WTF!? Seriously? Easy transition would have been nice, but no, you gotta be an ass hole. 😡
Sad I know, sorry. Just when I am already stressing about other stuff it is much easier to get a little self absorbed. I know that I am not like anyone else now, no one is. Sometimes I whine is all, don't mean anything by it. Thank you all for being so nice about it. 😊
