Not sure how to feel anymore

[Shan]

Looking for advice

Ive been open to my wife and a few friends i thought were close about some of the feelings ive been having (two of witch stabbed me in the back and my my stress level go threw the roof saying they would tell my secret)
I want to be female deep down inside
But have no issues with how i was born ( male ) but for years witched i had a true female body
Been married for 10 years and have a 5 year old daughter
My wife told me in few of our discussion that if i want to go onto hrt we will need to seperate because she is not attracted females
But with that beening said she has dated a girl before we got together in high school but at a yung age
I also had a boy friend (secretly) in highschool at the beginning and never questioned how things went
Time pasted and me and her have gown into our family and times were never  better
Until her little brother passed away a year ago
And i say my ex at the funeral
Since then i cant get this feeling that lifes to short to be in hiding and not true to myself

She has openly helped me find panties and we even went bra shopping one day
It was great
Also got a leotard that i can wear under my cloths that i love (and got compliments that i was loosing wieght and looked good at work ) witch my wife stole and wear the day i dont wear it because she loved how i many compliments i got
And she recently gave me one of her swim suits that loojs like a sundress with a one piece swimsuit under it
That i sleep in that i love so much i just smile when im in it
I can spin and twirl and i just love it
I asked the other day if i could get my ears pierced and she said she didnt care ( saying u could say our daughter was scared and want me to show it didnt hurt because i would do anything for her)
But i cant get the courage to leave our house in anything other than cloths that are neutral

Plus my job is every male oriented (auto tech)
Ive worked so hard to become who i have become were people rely on me and trust what i know without question in this industry running my own garage and working full time as a head tec at a shop for years now

I look at other girls and people think im "checking them out " when really wish i was her
Plus im still not really attraded to other guys witch figured out in high school so may years ago

I feel if i come out who i feel like to others
That it will all come crashing down to pieces and loss my family i love so much and the respect ive worked so hard to get
Im not sure where i fit in the world anymore
Do i hide crossdressing or come out ?
Am i acc trying to turn myself mtf transgender ?
Do i just slowly going down the rabbit hole and see where my life ends up because we cant change fate?

[Northern Star Girl]

Hello Shan,  Thank you for your interesting and informative posting and thank you for joining Susan's Place... 
I see that you are new here and have questions and concerns, I don't have all the answers for you but this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting. 

WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transitions and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey. 
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

Oh, and another thing Shan,  ... please be certain to look over the important and informative LINKS that I posted at the end of my welcome message to you...   there you will find how to best utilize the Susan's Place site and the Forums.

****IMPORTANT:  So that many of the members will know that you are a new member here, and therefore you will receive more give and take ... and sharing experiences,
please stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members here about yourself!

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place!  Thanks for joining.
Danielle

[Ms. Bee]

Hi Shan,

You've made a BIG step by being open to your wife about your desires. Your wife is supportive of you dressing up and going out shopping. You do not have to be closeted to cross-dress. I dress up on the weekends and go out and run errands. If you plan to start HRT, then you both would have to agree to marriage counseling to see if she willing to stay for the sake of your precious daughter.

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Shan.

Am i acc trying to turn myself mtf transgender ?

You can't "turn yourself transgender".  It is possible that you already are transgender.  If so, it is something that you were born with.  You can't become trans if you weren't born that way, and you can't stop if you were born that way.

It is a question that only you can answer.  You will see on the site that we often recommend that people see a gender therapist to help work thise issues out.  SInce you are questioning right now, it would probably be helpful for you to see a therapist.