Hi - at the age of about 7 or 8 I just wanted to be a girl and spent my growing up years in a state of guilt and confusion particularly after dressing in secretly borrowed female clothes, but when I was dressing I felt so comfortable and liked the way I looked as well. But I struggled to accept myself, thought there was something really wrong with me. I didn't fit in with my male peers at school, got bullied a lot.
I started being able to accept myself after I was able to tell my then girlfriend (now wife) when I was 20, her acceptance of me started the journey to being able to understand myself. With access to the internet I finally found out what I was experiencing, that there were others like me and went from there.
I am finding nowadays ( and I am on the verge of going full time aged 44 - at the moment best described as a half and half life) - particularly after a couple of days living as Michelle, that I forget the 'trans' label completely and just get on with normal everyday life as a mum, wife and daughter. In a few weeks time hopefully I will be able to live a completely female life and won't have the increasingly hard to deal with four days a week of having to switch back for my present work. I have to really think hard to do "man" nowadays.
I have always preferred conversations with women rather than men, and indeed my best friends have always been women. I am finding that the more time I spend as Michelle the more I look at men "from the outside" in the sense that "oh, he *would* think/do that wouldn't he?" or "typical man!!" . I am finding that I am smiling a lot more as Michelle, and am more creative.
I seem to be lucky in that, being 5'2'', below shoulder length naturally wavy hair, small hands and size 5ish feet, I don't get "read" much if at all. In fact I have often been mistaken for a woman during my adult life - which actually was really good in one way but really hard when I wasn't able to live as openly as I do now, and I often found in conversations that there would be the "correct" response that a man would give and what I was actually thinking which was different.
I have been working on my voice though have still some way to go I think in terms of keeping things going towards the later part of the day. And mannerisms need a bit of work, I have trained myself not to nod my head when acknowledging or agreeing, though I have always talked a lot with my hands and fiddled with my hair!
I am trying to dress down a bit for everyday tasks and trips, jeans and top, leggings and long top, flats or flat boots rather than heels as again I want to blend in, go unnoticed, I'm observing what other women are wearing in different weather and trying to wear something similar. Though I do love my "posher" clothes and summer dresses! Not being able to wear a light and cool summer dress in warm weather was one of the things that I struggled with the most over the years, from both and mental and indeed practical point of view. We've just had the first really warm days this year here in England and it felt so good to be out with bare legs and a nice dress!
How I have explained how it feels to wish to live in a gender other than that I was born in is that "everything fits" and just the sheer fact that it makes everything feel so comfortable mentally and physically.
Hope that makes some sense
Michelle
