Quote from: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:43:36 AM
At 38 I'm much more comfortable with myself and enjoy every moment of not pretending to be male.  I seem to have gone thru a very similar chain of events.  What really woke me up, and led to me coming out and living as me, was hearing of others that were like me.. I too didn't identify as transgender interestingly enough untill more recently, as I suppose I just wasn't educated enough on what it meant or how it related to my situation. 

I'm 41 now.  I started consciously wanting to be a woman at around puberty.  It manifested in fantasies, but that was just the way I coped with the feelings.  Not knowing what transgender was I had no frame of reference for what I was going through.  I knew that I my feelings weren't normal (now I know they are just  uncommon) and the subconscious mind took over and compartmentalized just about everything.  Any sort of feminine behavior or even perceived feminine behavior was locked away while I continued to allow myself my fantasies to address my dysphoria.  All of this is really in hindsight as at the time I just thought I was some twisted freak with strange fantasies.

Over the years I was constantly fascinated by gender change in popular culture which would be fodder for my imagination as I longed and longed to be a woman.  By the time I figured out I just wanted to be a woman and that sex changes were real, I never thought it was something for me...I was too big/masculine/unattractive/whatever.  Of course I had seen very beautiful trans-women, I just thought that was a road I would be unable to go down.  With that road not an option, I didn't identify as trans, but I sure was fascinated by them and even envied them.  All the while the subconscious is working to keep anyone from finding out my horrible secret.

Fast forward to January 2018 and something broke.  I had been watching a bunch of Youtube trans-women talk about transitioning and had seen a bunch of before/after pictures of people not unlike myself and I basically asked myself why couldn't I transition?  The conversatoin in my head went like this,"I am too overweight at 320 pounds."  I answered back "so, just lose it," to which the reply was, "how much would I have to lose," and the answer was, "150 pounds," to which the answer was, "ok!"

Just like that I was on the road to transitioning.  I now see a therapist weekly and have lost 65 pounds.  I would like to start hrt in another 30. 

At first I was riding a pretty big emotional high to finally be on the right path, but it isn't an easy road for me lately.  There are a bunch of emotional ups and downs as my subconscious is still messing with my head.  30+ years of repression don't just disappear into the ether.  I bet my subconscious is all upset that I am unraveling 3 decades of its work weaving the mask that it thought was protecting me.  Now the mask is just getting in the way. 

I'm still figuring things out day by day as I try to reconnect with myself.  I am out to a few family and friends and I will be out to more as I become more comfortable with myself.  It's scary, but I don't want to go back where I came from...that isn't really an option.  Carry on...

         Julie

Quote from: Karen0366 on March 27, 2018, 07:28:40 PM
I can relate to your question.   

I never felt like I fit in or belonged.   I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour.   I liked hanging around the girls.   I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls.   I remember constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.   

I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different.   I often wondered if I was gay.

I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known.   I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia.  I eventually suppressed my feminine side.

My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week.   And I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life.  Well 50 years later, I have achieved a great family, career and have a great spouse, who I envied (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.   

Now that my life goals are achieved and my children don't need me as much, and I at mid life, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender.   I have always wondered who I am and why I was different.    I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out, hated my body hair and started to do laser, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation.   It was like lightning struck me. 

My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of who I am.  I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how to handle and mange my life.  On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted.   My spouse knows and is supportive so far. 

Lots to figure out.  I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.

OMG, can I relate to this Karen well minus the SO being fully supportive.

Thanks for sharing, always amazed at how all you wonderful people on here helps shine lights at elements of our own lives that show support and encourages positive change.


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Quote from: JulieAllana on March 28, 2018, 10:15:46 PM
I'm 41 now.  I started consciously wanting to be a woman at around puberty.  It manifested in fantasies, but that was just the way I coped with the feelings.  Not knowing what transgender was I had no frame of reference for what I was going through.  I knew that I my feelings weren't normal (now I know they are just  uncommon) and the subconscious mind took over and compartmentalized just about everything.  Any sort of feminine behavior or even perceived feminine behavior was locked away while I continued to allow myself my fantasies to address my dysphoria.  All of this is really in hindsight as at the time I just thought I was some twisted freak with strange fantasies.

Over the years I was constantly fascinated by gender change in popular culture which would be fodder for my imagination as I longed and longed to be a woman.  By the time I figured out I just wanted to be a woman and that sex changes were real, I never thought it was something for me...I was too big/masculine/unattractive/whatever.  Of course I had seen very beautiful trans-women, I just thought that was a road I would be unable to go down.  With that road not an option, I didn't identify as trans, but I sure was fascinated by them and even envied them.  All the while the subconscious is working to keep anyone from finding out my horrible secret.

Fast forward to January 2018 and something broke.  I had been watching a bunch of Youtube trans-women talk about transitioning and had seen a bunch of before/after pictures of people not unlike myself and I basically asked myself why couldn't I transition?  The conversatoin in my head went like this,"I am too overweight at 320 pounds."  I answered back "so, just lose it," to which the reply was, "how much would I have to lose," and the answer was, "150 pounds," to which the answer was, "ok!"

Just like that I was on the road to transitioning.  I now see a therapist weekly and have lost 65 pounds.  I would like to start hrt in another 30. 

At first I was riding a pretty big emotional high to finally be on the right path, but it isn't an easy road for me lately.  There are a bunch of emotional ups and downs as my subconscious is still messing with my head.  30+ years of repression don't just disappear into the ether.  I bet my subconscious is all upset that I am unraveling 3 decades of its work weaving the mask that it thought was protecting me.  Now the mask is just getting in the way. 

I'm still figuring things out day by day as I try to reconnect with myself.  I am out to a few family and friends and I will be out to more as I become more comfortable with myself.  It's scary, but I don't want to go back where I came from...that isn't really an option.  Carry on...

         Julie

Julie, that's beautiful. Keep it going sister.

I'm 42 and it's taken me all those years, of over compensating with Masculine behavior while also sleeping with some of my best male friends through the years.

Now at the crossroad, where I've been dressing secretly for the better of 30 plus years and being exposed to so much energy from this Forum and watching others going through amazing transitions, I'm finally arriving at a place where I start to believe I can do it myself.

I can recognize all the mentioning of having more empathetic male and even female friends, dressing secretly as young as 8-9, over compensation in male behaviour and much more.

Thank you all for sharing and enriching my and everybody else's life on here.


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Hi - at the age of about 7 or 8 I just wanted to be a girl and spent my growing up years in a state of guilt and confusion particularly after dressing in secretly borrowed female clothes, but when I was dressing I felt so comfortable and liked the way I looked as well. But I struggled to accept myself, thought there was something really wrong with me. I didn't fit in with my male peers at school, got bullied a lot.

I started being able to accept myself after I was able to tell my then girlfriend (now wife) when I was 20, her acceptance of me started the journey to being able to understand myself. With access to the internet I finally found out what I was experiencing, that there were others like me and went from there.

I am finding nowadays ( and I am on the verge of going full time aged 44 - at the moment best described as a half and half life) - particularly after a couple of days living as Michelle, that I forget the 'trans' label completely and just get on with normal everyday life as a mum, wife and daughter. In a few weeks time hopefully I will be able to live a completely female life and won't have the increasingly hard to deal with four days a week of having to switch back for my present work. I have to really think hard to do "man" nowadays.
I have always preferred conversations with women rather than men, and indeed my best friends have always been women. I am finding that the more time I spend as Michelle the more I look at men "from the outside" in the sense that "oh, he *would* think/do that wouldn't he?" or "typical man!!" . I am finding that I am smiling a lot more as Michelle, and am more creative. 

I seem to be lucky in that, being 5'2'', below shoulder length naturally wavy hair, small hands and size 5ish feet, I don't get "read" much if at all. In fact I have often been mistaken for a woman during my adult life - which actually was really good in one way but really hard when I wasn't able to live as openly as I do now, and I often found in conversations that there would be the "correct" response that a man would give and what I was actually thinking which was different.

I have been working on my voice though have still some way to go I think in terms of keeping things going towards the later part of the day. And mannerisms need a bit of work, I have trained myself not to nod my head when acknowledging or agreeing, though I have always talked a lot with my hands and fiddled with my hair!

I am trying to dress down a bit for everyday tasks and trips, jeans and top, leggings and long top, flats or flat boots rather than heels as again I want to blend in, go unnoticed, I'm observing what other women are wearing in different weather and trying to wear something similar. Though I do love my "posher" clothes and summer dresses! Not being able to wear a light and cool summer dress in warm weather was one of the things that I struggled with the most over the years, from both and mental and indeed practical point of view. We've just had the first really warm days this year here in England and it felt so good to be out with bare legs and a nice dress!

How I have explained how it feels to wish to live in a gender other than that I was born in is that "everything fits" and just the sheer fact that it makes everything feel so comfortable mentally and physically.

Hope that makes some sense
Michelle

Pleased to "meet " you Michelle.

I came in on this thread at comment 35 - my history and others' are so similar to yours.

I mainly post either on Transgender Talk Board or on this Board.

I am in therapy and started HRT 11 weeks ago and it is so wonderful to read of others further along to point of going public and really enjoying the life we were all meant to have. I intend to go public when physical changes hopefully happen from HRT.

They are many UK members here but I enjoy debating with members anywhere.

I wish you every happiness on your continued journey.

Pamela

Lololol just constantly thinking bout everything

I am a curious head mixed with a mile a minute mouth that processes things by talking through them. It was a curse when i was young because i looked for reason in the harsh landscape of youth social interaction and found none. Now i attribute this overanalyzing to teaching me about art and my gender. Basically all the ->-bleeped-<- I did as a kid came to not much and now my life is dedicated to being a superfabulous trans artist. So I guess its good I paid attention to stuff XD

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Quote from: Allison S on March 27, 2018, 06:20:49 PM
Nothing is wrong with you, or any of us (as far as being transgender goes). But a lot is wrong with the world. Hopefully it's coming around

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This!

My sister and I are very close in age and around 10 I started feeling that I should have been "like" her and I envied every girly thing about her as we grew up, I still do but now I get to be the real me 😊

Quote from: Michelle G on April 29, 2018, 09:57:45 AM
My sister and I are very close in age and around 10 I started feeling that I should have been "like" her and I envied every girly thing about her as we grew up, I still do but now I get to be the real me [emoji4]

Aw, that's a sweet story michelle

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