Hey so OK this is hard to talk about
im pretty sure i havent talked about this before i sort of have, and sort of havent, but having had this feelings since i was a kid/teen not understanding them until i was a teen i actually had a conversation with my dad about them, because he was giving me the man talk and i told him then i dont want to be a man and i actually remember it was about 7 or 8 purely innocent and hearing what was to be a man at the time i dont remember his exact words but i had this complete horrified look on my face and said to him i dont want that, i dont want to be a man, and i dont know if he was aware that they were gender thoughts and at the time i dont think i was even i didnt know that i wanted to be female i sorta did i sorta didnt, those feelings didnt show themselves fully until i was like 15 or so but anyway after this he like kept sort of encouraging me to be a man until i fell into the role when he passed away and he passed away when i was 19 intentionally or not i feel like he should have been more supportive but i think he was Transphobic and he had those feelings thats how it felt anyway he was also somewhat Narcissistic and was pushing those feelings onto me as well
I think perhaps he kept hearing the words Transexual and escorts and whore and whatever thinking maybe i would end up down that path, maybe he thought he was protecting me from that? idk but it was the 90's and there wasnt alot of resources to help me not like now
I get really angry now that he didnt support my feelings more in this matter at the time, maybe he could of asked if i was Transgender? i wouldnt have known what that was at 7 or 8 but if he explained it to me (maybe he didnt know?) i might have been more understanding of my feelings and not tried to hide from them/run from them my whole life and i wouldnt be scared of them maybe and constantly find excuses not to transition and having had to fall into that "man" role like i did
I also think if he made more of an effort to be supportive, i would have talked with mum about it back then too and maybe gone in Puberty Blockers before becoming a teen.... instead now i feel like i cant talk with her about it,
cus her family lived with us after he passed and they werent supportive at all, i always knew they wouldnt support me one bit in this, idk know if that came from how my father treated me or what but i just knew it would have been such a difficult journey but things are kinda easier now for better or for worse, and i am taking back control of my universe