Telling my wife... (with the help of Disney)

[Eryn T]

So, when I realized I was transgender and actually thought about it, I felt like I saw the world more vividly, I cared more deeply about myself and everything around me.  It was like being born again, and I had been contemplating how I would tell me wife about it since pretty much the very beginning. Several topics have helped me consider what her concerns may be, the right questions to ask, how to pace things, etc.  Even while going through all this, I had an idea of how I would tell her, and this is at least the beginning of that....

So, my wife LOVES Disney(and so do, I; sometimes it's hard to figure out who loves Disney more) and one of my favorite things to do is ride in the car with her and sing along to Disney songs.  So, I figured that I should do what all 90s kids did and make a mix-tape(Youtube playlist) of specific Disney songs to help ease her in and say more in a way than I could alone while connecting with something we both love. And these are the songs(and order) I thought of...


#1 Reflection - Mulan


#2 Part of your World - The Little Mermaid


#3 Go the Distance - Hercules


#4 A Whole New World - Aladdin


#5 That's How you Know - Enchanted


#6 If I Never Knew You - Pocahontas


#7 I See the Light - Tangled



Ones that are not on the list but I considered are Let it Go from Frozen, Can you feel the love Tonight from the Lion King, Beauty and the Beast from um the same name, Just around the River Bend from Pocahontas, and Kiss the Girl from the Little Mermaid.

A couple things about my wife.  She's joked about dressing me in drag in the past, and she has a list of both actors and actresses that she'd like to <not allowed>, but she really REALLY hates surprises.  It took me on-and-off about 8 months to fully plan out and implement my marriage proposal to her 5 years ago. This is kind of one way I'm hoping to ease her into it- I do not want to just text and be like, "I have a surprise for you" and show up at home in a cute outfit with full makeup on, obviously.


So, onto the questions!


What do you think of this method?

Are there any songs you think I should include?

Are there any songs you feel I should remove from the list?

Anything you'd want to add or suggest I do differently?

We'll be going to Disney World late October this year(I think the 28th to Nov. 3rd), so I was going to wait to tell her until a week or so after we get back.  As much as it pains me, even if I have the opportunity to begin HRT I will not take it until after I tell her then. 

There is also another important factor in our relationship that I will not disclose here, if you wish to know, please message me directly, and I will confide in you.

< Profanity removed by moderator >

[autumn08]

Hi Eryn,


I think it's smart that you're preparing her before coming out, and you seem to know her very well, so probably know best how to do this. My only question is how else could you prepare her over the next 6 months? After you give her the playlist, are there any more direct ways you could do so? Could you talk more about dressing in drag, in order to open her up to the idea that that's something you're interested in, without coming out? Are there any other openings like this?

I wish I could recommend you some Disney songs, but I haven't watched a Disney movie since childhood, and forgot almost all of the songs. I listened to the first two songs on your list, while I read your post and replied, though, and think they're beautiful and do help explain what it's like to be in your position.

[Eryn T]

Thanks for replying, Autumn!

Well, that is a good question and something I really do need to do, I think some of it might be answered by my therapist and even if it isn't the most I've done so far with being the real me finally, is having that connection to my emotions.

So, I've been much more affectionate lately, and I think, more 'fun' to be around for her- that's just a small nudge of that this is will be a much better life for the both of us.  But I can't be too affectionate because of the undisclosed reason I had mentioned in the post, if you really wish to know then please send me a direct message. Honestly, I often keep thinking I really wanna 'jump her bones' in a way. Before I get called a pervert, that sort of intimacy is very important to her; she's extremely self-conscious about her appearance and sees sex as like the ultimate truth(in many ways, it is) and I've always been pretty submissive during anyway, so I don't see how roles would change much. And I also think about making-out A LOT, y'know basically like young love all over again(though we've been together for over 8 years) but unfortunately, because of my circumstances I can't fully act or won't fully act in these way.

I'm also waiting until after our Disney trip because if the news were to go surprisingly sour(as others have mentioned their SO's doing a 180 on their values) then I at least did not ruin that trip for her.  Obviously, I love her, and my happiness is just as important as her own.  And yes, I won't sacrifice myself just to save her the embarrassment, or at least, I don't think I would yet.  I have thought of several outcomes and ways I plan to deal with each. Ideally, she is really on-board and our passion for one another reignites to burn brighter than ever before!  There are other possible outcomes, too, though...

[cluck1992]

How far I'll go from Moana is one that puts me in extra emotional state and kicks in my transition thoughts. (And it's just a great song)

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[Donna]

All I can add is knowing my wife and knowing how I used to be she would never catch the drift of something like that. I was a miserable angry ba—ard and I know it.
The only way it ended up was me not saying anything for 7 months and then picking up the pieces. Please don't do that, this is a very serious topic but you know her best. If this breaks the ice try it. Open and honest straight forward talk has put us back on the happy path together.
Like the rest of us you have to do it your way and I wish you all the best with your journey.

[Eryn T]

@Cluck
I agree! That one is a really good song, and one of the songs I feel I can sing decently lol I don't think I want to put it on, though, just because its about her finding her own path, but ultimately abandoning her 'duties' in her families eyes or at least quarreling with those duties.  And I feel like something like that would rub her the wrong way, like i'm abandoning my duties to her and just her in general, to pursue my own path. Some of the songs I picked do hint at this, but not as directly as How Far I'll Go.

@Donna
Thank you for your advice. Yeah, it can be hard when asking on very specific things that are probably unique to every individual. Trust me, I am going to sit down and talk with her directly and slowly about everything.  But I felt because of who she is, she hates surprises, and also I forgot to mention that she isn't fond of changing plans either...lol  That if I showed up at home and was like, "We need to talk" it would disrupt her time, but if I let her know ahead of time that we'll be talking, things go over smoother. BUT if you say call or text and are like, "we need to talk when I get home" she might run through numerous things of what it could be in her head with just that statement to go off of, so I felt like sending her the playlist and asking her to please listen to it, and then letting her know I have something that I need to say to her when I get home would be enough to allow us both to approach the subject. 

And once we do, then I can 'come clean' as it were.  And I can start presenting my feelings, being true to myself, and address any concerns she may have and how it would affect her.


Prior to this idea, I did have something similar but much more selfish and damning to our relationship that I'm glad I changed my mind so early on lol  There's a sing-a-long show for Frozen at Hollywood Studios in Disney World, and I was just gonna belt out my feminine singing voice during Let it Go.  A couple of things could have happened from that like 1: she doesn't even notice or recognize, in which I'll feel like a failure all over again.  or 2: She does recognize, and questions it, and now it becomes a black mark on the whole vacation. The happiest place on Earth, the only place she ever wants to vacation- ruined...lol

I would like to tell her right now, but I can't both because I kind of want to feel more confident as a woman, and actually somewhat resemble one. AND something that I won't disclose except in direct messages.

[Eryn T]

Small update.

For those looking at the Operation Chameleon post, I fear that my status as transgender is going to come out in the open before I want it to. 

I got a hallmark card(and I plan to buy several more) to enclose the url to the playlist on Youtube.  If my back ends up against a wall, then I will have that to give to her, at least.

[Alyssa Bree]

I have no idea how I missed this thread before now. I really like the playlist idea and having a back-up is a smart thing to do. It is very thoughtful of you to not want to overshadow the Disney vaca with your coming out.

I also think, referring to the Chameleon thread, that when you really really want somebody to know about something like this, that slip-ups of that nature are much more frequent and visible.

Whichever way she winds up finding out, I like that you are trying to be creative about it and are taking her feelings into account the best you can.


xoxoxo
Alyssa