Changing amount of gender dysphoria?

[Lucca]

Like I said in my introductory post, I'm considering doing a complete MTF transition at some point, but one of the reasons I'm not sure about it yet is that my desire to do so has changed drastically over just the five months since the idea of doing it first popped into my head. I've been very depressed and anxious about a lot of issues for most of my life, and I've known for a long time that one reason for this is that I hate being pushed into male gender expectations and I feel like my true self isn't being expressed or respected because of it, but the idea of transitioning never even occurred to me as a possibility until early this year. Right around the beginning of January, I became extremely depressed and began having constant thoughts of wanting to be a woman and hating being a man, to lengths that I found extremely bizarre. This included things such as feeling like I had a smaller "phantom" body inside my real one during very stressful situations, like I'd be able to handle them better if I were a woman, or unconsciously thinking of myself as having a woman's body in my memories. This lasted for around two months, and then tabled off until I felt little to no transgender feelings anymore, and I wasn't sure why it stopped. At this point, after some therapy and finally getting to see a psychiatrist, I got on some anti-anxiety medication that really helped me. I've always had a crippling fear of change and uncertainty and have experienced a lot of stress about making long-term decisions, but now I feel like I can think more clearly about my future than I ever have in my life.

My transgender feelings have come back to a moderate degree, and since I'm in a more relaxed state of mind now, I'm trying to sort out my feelings and determine if a gender transition would be right for me. The problem is, it's still been less than half a year since I began having overtly transgender feelings, and in just that short span of time those feelings have gone back and forth considerably. Right now, I'm just waiting awhile to see if my feelings stabilize, but how common is it to have such a wildly changing amount of gender dysphoria? I went from almost being at the stereotypical "I need to transition or my life is over" phase to not wanting to transition at all, and then rebounded back significantly. I really don't want to start transitioning and then decide I don't want to, but I also don't want to ignore my feelings and then have to transition later in life when I might have a family and kids. Better to do it now than later if I'm going to do it at all.

I will say that my drop in gender dysphoria occurred at at the height of my anxiety problems when I was having trouble considering even the smallest decisions about my future, and had not yet found mental health help that I felt I could rely on. Now that I'm feeling waaaaaay more chill due to my medication and the fact that I have a support network, contemplating a transition is not stressing me out so much anymore, and I'm looking at it in a much more positive light instead of as something dreadful that I might have to do whether I'd like to or not.

[Eryn T]

I've never been on medication, but I can totally understand a fluctuation of feelings or emotions.  Human beings are built to adapt to situations, but they also appreciate the 'state' they tend to find themselves in. So, it's really not uncommon to be fearful of changes either in you or your lifestyle.

Similar to you, I didn't really have any dysphoric thoughts until I started thinking about transitioning at all.  Many people have these feeling all their life, and I think many also have them but don't understand what they are- I think I was one of latter type of people.

It might be worth looking at the forum for de-transitioning and messaging someone who posted there for specific advice, as they could probably give you a much better idea when it comes to that.

But, I do think, similar to you, I am not really okay becoming a full woman; and by that I mean getting the surgery down there with maybe breast augmentation and FFS, too.  Sometimes, I look down at my tucked self and rub the smooth crease, the idea of having a vagina makes me a little nauseous- but that is just me.  Even still, the fact that it's so flat and smooth in front fills me with such joy, it's weird, I know.

But anyway, as I've seen on Susans and learned myself, many here are MtF full type of ladies, but there are also people that lie between gender and I think you'll just have to see what is best for you, hun.  Because I remember you saying you'll be getting electrolysis on your face already, I think you should slowly transition towards female and just assess how that makes you feel with each thing- it's a very long and dedicated process, but if it's what's best for you, I'm sure you'll know.  For me, each step I take to transition socially makes me feel really good, but sometimes they're pretty challenging, too, and that can place like a dark cloud over the whole process and start to fill you with doubt, which may or may not be what you have been experiencing with your dysphoria.

[Lucca]

Thanks! I'll keep all that in mind.

Do you (or anyone else here) know of anyone who had intense transgender feelings for a short period and then it just went away forever, and then they went on with their lives without ever having any desire to identify as anything other than their assigned birth gender? Because the vast majority of stories I've heard are that once you start feeling gender dysphoria (or identify pre-existing feelings as gender dysphoria) it doesn't go away permanently. It's common for people to attempt to avoid transitioning and either have their dysphoria fade for awhile or they tell themselves that it has, but it doesn't seem so common for it to actually go away, and people either end up transitioning after years of denial or they manage to cope with their dysphoria without transitioning, but it's still there and causes distress.

[Tatiana 79]

Hello Lucca
Wow it sounds like you've been on an incredible roller coaster ride
I think there's only one core issue at the root of this that's been naughing away at you
The mere fact that you experienced gender dysphoria implies disharmony of the brain body relationship that you were born with.
I don't believe any environmental effets would produce this.
It's kinda like being a little bit pregnant you either are or your not.
I hope you can settle into some kind of equilibrium in with this and accept who you know exists in your head.
  I know this is merely my opinion but I hope it will spend some help
  Love tatiana

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Lucca

You assume correctly.

Many including me had gender dysphoria (without knowing the name), buried it reburied it or denied it but it NEVER goes away.

I took action only because I realized I could no longer contain it- it had become so prominent.

I wish you all the best.

Pamela

[Lucca]

Does anyone have any clue how it is that I could've gone so long without obvious transgender feelings and gender dysphoria? I wouldn't have thought that something like this would've come on so suddenly later in life. Then again, for most of my life, I've had loads of other things to be worried about or blame my problems on. Growing up in a religiously and sexually oppressive environment doesn't give you much time to focus on much else. Maybe a gender transition just never occurred to me to be a solution to my problems because I had so many other things to blame them on first?

[KathyLauren]

Does anyone have any clue how it is that I could've gone so long without obvious transgender feelings and gender dysphoria? I wouldn't have thought that something like this would've come on so suddenly later in life.

Well, I started transitioning at age 61.  It didn't just come on suddenly.  I first started to wonder if I might be transgender in my 40s, but my internalized transphobia kept me in denial.  I kept wondering if I was, and I kept answering "No way!"  Now I realize that, if no had been the correct answer, I wouldn't have kept on wondering.  Yes, it took 20 years to break through that.

And, no, the thought didn't suddenly arise out of nowhere in my 40s.  Now, in hindsight, I see signs going back all the way to age 7.  I didn't know what they meant at the time, so I set them aside.

My parents told me that I was a boy, and I believed them.  Kids are programmed to believe their parents.  My parents didn't actually know.  The doctor told them I was a boy, and they believed him.  And the doctor didn't know any better because doctors weren't trained in gender awareness back then.

So there is all that crap of cultural norms and denial to cut through before you can even consider the thought.  For some of us, that takes time.

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, is it possible for you to see someone trained in gender issues? If so, I think that would be a good step to take. To be able to talk over how you're feeling.

A lot of people don't acknowledge their dysphoria until later on in life. For a myriad of different reasons. Denial, ignorance of the condition, self-hatred, self-aversion, misdirection... you name it, it happens. It happens a lot. That doesn't make anyone less legitimate in how they feel, or how they approach life. And it may be the same for you.

However, going by your posts, I could suggest possible alternatives... to why you felt the way you did. I am no therapist so it wouldn't be right for me to go into it. It really wouldn't. I don't want to influence you one way or the other. I don't want to put ideas in your head. I don't want to tell you that yes you are trans and you need to do something, or you're not and you don't. You need to be sure of your own feelings before being sure of what course of action to take. I really feel like you need to contact a professional with training in gender issues, and talk to them about how you're feeling. See what they say. And base your course of action on that.

[Lucca]

Well, I saw one therapist specifically about my transgender feelings when I was at my lowest point, then during my later sessions when my feelings were lessening I tried to tell her my feelings were going away and I didn't want to transition, but she wouldn't listen and said I was in denial. Which, honestly, may have been correct, but I don't like how she refused to listen to me instead of letting me find that out for myself. So, I went to see a different therapist and avoided transgender discussion altogether, focusing more on my problems from being atheist/ex-Christian and my romantic troubles, but then after my second session, after she had already scheduled a third with me, she emailed to tell me my "symptoms were outside the scope of her practice" with no further elaboration, and said she wouldn't see me again and did not offer a referral. I decided to take a break from therapy and go straight to a psychiatrist, who helped me a lot more than either therapist did and put me on anti-anxiety medication, which has been great and has allowed me to be more relaxed and clear-headed than I've been ever been in my life.

All this trouble with therapy comes after my experiences with therapy as a teenager, where I was nearly suicidally depressed from having to live in a repressive religious environment and hiding the fact that I'd de-converted, and both therapists (who were real, licensed therapists associated with a secular hospital, and not faith-based counselors) thought I was being melodramatic and basically just said "suck it up," and wouldn't let me talk through my problems or put me on a track to receive medication. So, like a scene straight out of A Series of Unfortunate Events, the blundering adults were no help at all and I had to get through the rest of my High School years with no one but myself to rely on.

My experience with therapy is not great, but I'm going to try again soon. Now that I'm on my anti-anxiety meds I can talk about my problems and consider my future without flipping out, so maybe I'll give a better impression and not look so desperate.

[Alyssa Bree]

I am happy you are going to see another therapist even after the disappointing outcomes from previous ones. It would be helpful, I think, to figure out the kinds of things that trigger more "trans" feelings and those that trigger "non-trans" feelings. Both sets of emotions are coming from somewhere and neither should be ignored.


xoxoxo
Alyssa