Developing Community

[Alyssa Bree]

Hi all!

I am hoping for a little insight here. I am trying to find a balance between finding some trans friends and acquaintances - building my own little trans network and support system if you will - and strengthening some friendships I currently have with a group of cis women. I currently do not know any other trans people in my day to day existence. I joined Susan's in the hope that I would feel some support and learn from the experiences of others who have gone before me or are dealing with the same things - and I absolutely, definitely have. I love it here! However, I feel like I am missing a sense of community - a sense of connection or belonging to other trans people still.

My dilemma can be broken down into two parts....there is a LGBT center here in Denver that hosts a MTF support group every week. I really want to check this out but I did not want to do so until I was comfortable presenting as female in public which I feel is still several months away. Should I go to this as male, go presenting as female anyway or wait the few months and go when I am comfy doing it the way I originally envisioned? My understanding is they have no issues with presenting as male or female - wherever you are at is where you're at - but I seem to have some sort of hang-up in this regard.

The second part of my dilemma still deals with community - but in this case a group of generally supportive cis women I came out to a few months ago at work. They were really excited and interested at first and they went out of their way to gender me correctly in our little group and use my preferred name etc. Over the last few months, that novelty has apparently worn off and now nobody makes any attempt at all to use feminine pronouns or call me Alyssa. My understanding (from a talk I had with a couple of them) is they are irritated with me for not coming to work as female yet. It has only been a handful of months since I came out to them and it will be upwards of a year possibly before I am comfortable doing that. They are wonderful people and we have  a lot of fun together but the general consensus appears to be that, until I make an attempt to look like Alyssa at work and not just for makeover sessions at somebody's home, then they will only recognize me with my male name and male pronouns. To be honest, this really hurts. This is the only support I have outside of Susan's right now but I am not sure if I should be trying something different with them - maybe having more serious discussions with them? I am at a loss.

I come to Susan's to feel like I am not alone...and it definitely helps with that when I get to feeling like I am. I feel like I need to develop in-person connections of some sort sooner rather than later though. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Alyssa

[KathyLauren]

It really comes down to doing what you want.

I understand the need for community in real life.  A support group is a great way to do that.  Don't let your current male presentation stop you.  Lots of us have gone to out first support group session in male mode.  Yes, it's terrifying, but any half-decent group will accept you as you are. 

Going to a support group is also a great way to ease into presenting as female.  After my first few male-mode sessions, I started bringing a change of clothes and changing to female mode in the single-user washroom.  And then, after a while, I started driving to and from the session in female mode.

I can kind of understand your co-workers' point of view.  I also understand why it is disappointing to you.  You created an expectation in them, and they perceive you as letting them down.  The normal rule for transitioning people, and it seems like your co-workers have defaulted to following it, is that you use the name and pronouns that are consistent with a person's presentation.

You may want to consider moving up your target date for presenting as female.

I didn't come out to anyone until I was ready to present as female to them.  In several groups it was like, "The next time you see me, I'll be dressed as a woman."  In another group, it was more like, "The reason I am dressed this way is..."   That approach worked pretty smoothly, and I have been happy with people's reactions.  It might be something to consider if there are other groups you still have to come out to.

[SammyHatesGreenEggs]

I went to my first few support group meetings dressed as male, and I've seen others do the same.  Sometimes I go all out, sometime I just throw on female jeans and a t-shirt and show up.  Due to a work event, I even had to show up dressed male one day after weeks of dressing female.  A good support group won't care, and everyone has to start somewhere. 

When I told everyone at work, I was afraid of exactly the situation you described happenning, so I told everyone it was fine to use male pronouns for now and that once I was ready to go "full time" we would start using female pronouns.  Fortunately, I already have a unisex name, so at least that doesn't cause dysphoria for me.  While it's a shame it played out that way, I would agree with KathyLauren's assessment of the situation.

[Anne Blake]

Developing community is a huge thing in my concept of health transitioning. Finding or building a "tribe" or a group that you feel safe in and I heard stated somewhere, a group where you don't have to explain things is key in my being able to go about living as who I am. A comfortable support group fills that bill and if it is truly safe and comfortable, they won't care if you come dressed as male some days and as female on others. I have also found that a good (heavily stress that word good) affirming church can provide a good community. You mention Denver, Highlands Church is fully lgbtq+ affirming and probably has 30% + of it assembly living on the spectrum. As for work, most cis folks don't understand us but respond to what their eyes are seeing. Probably a good idea to reduce your expectations there.

[Alyssa Bree]

It really comes down to doing what you want.

I understand the need for community in real life.  A support group is a great way to do that.  Don't let your current male presentation stop you.  Lots of us have gone to out first support group session in male mode.  Yes, it's terrifying, but any half-decent group will accept you as you are. 

Going to a support group is also a great way to ease into presenting as female.  After my first few male-mode sessions, I started bringing a change of clothes and changing to female mode in the single-user washroom.  And then, after a while, I started driving to and from the session in female mode.

I can kind of understand your co-workers' point of view.  I also understand why it is disappointing to you.  You created an expectation in them, and they perceive you as letting them down.  The normal rule for transitioning people, and it seems like your co-workers have defaulted to following it, is that you use the name and pronouns that are consistent with a person's presentation.

You may want to consider moving up your target date for presenting as female.

I didn't come out to anyone until I was ready to present as female to them.  In several groups it was like, "The next time you see me, I'll be dressed as a woman."  In another group, it was more like, "The reason I am dressed this way is..."   That approach worked pretty smoothly, and I have been happy with people's reactions.  It might be something to consider if there are other groups you still have to come out to.

Thank you Kathy. I appreciate your response.

There definitely appears to be a consensus that presenting male to a support group is fine. I am pretty sure I will bite the bullet and do that soon. I think my block with doing it up to this point is the idea that I will feel like "less" than others in the group. I can barely tolerate having my picture taken in male mode (ever since I was a kid even though I didn't understand why then) so the thought of presenting male in an atmosphere where people are making progress presenting female was like a double whammy....but I think I'm over myself now.

I totally get what you're saying about setting that expectation with the group of cis women. I could definitely have handled that better and been much clearer about my timeline. I merely told them it would "be a while". I will hold off on coming out to anybody else like that until close to time.

xoxoxoxo
Alyssa

[Alyssa Bree]

I went to my first few support group meetings dressed as male, and I've seen others do the same.  Sometimes I go all out, sometime I just throw on female jeans and a t-shirt and show up.  Due to a work event, I even had to show up dressed male one day after weeks of dressing female.  A good support group won't care, and everyone has to start somewhere. 

When I told everyone at work, I was afraid of exactly the situation you described happenning, so I told everyone it was fine to use male pronouns for now and that once I was ready to go "full time" we would start using female pronouns.  Fortunately, I already have a unisex name, so at least that doesn't cause dysphoria for me.  While it's a shame it played out that way, I would agree with KathyLauren's assessment of the situation.

Thank you Sammy!

Seeing everybody confirm that presenting male at a support group is not an issue has helped me work past that for the most part. Much appreciated!

I think your coming out strategy at work is very solid. I have not told the whole department (approx. 500 people) - only my small group of about 10. I just fed off of the energy the group generated when we were talking about it that day, started answering tons of questions and got a little too bold and set expectations (in a nice way since they were so amenable). I think I will have a talk with them and reset that expectation - and ensure they understand that I "get it".


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa

[Alyssa Bree]

Developing community is a huge thing in my concept of health transitioning. Finding or building a "tribe" or a group that you feel safe in and I heard stated somewhere, a group where you don't have to explain things is key in my being able to go about living as who I am. A comfortable support group fills that bill and if it is truly safe and comfortable, they won't care if you come dressed as male some days and as female on others. I have also found that a good (heavily stress that word good) affirming church can provide a good community. You mention Denver, Highlands Church is fully lgbtq+ affirming and probably has 30% + of it assembly living on the spectrum. As for work, most cis folks don't understand us but respond to what their eyes are seeing. Probably a good idea to reduce your expectations there.

Thank you Tia Anne.

I absolutely agree that finding a group of people that you don't really have to explain things to would be ideal. That is what I am looking for.

I am not a particularly religious person but I may give that Church a once-over. Thanks for the suggestion!

I am going to try to re-establish expectations with my cis-girl group and not let my emotions get worked up by their actions. It is true they don't really understand, but to their credit they have tried pretty hard. I am the only trans person they have ever known and I honestly have only the vaguest idea what I am doing anyway haha. I believe since this was the first group I came out to other than family and the very first positive reactions I received afterwards that my feelings got wrapped up in their acceptance and when I felt like that acceptance wasn't there the same way anymore well....yeah I totally get that now.


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa