Quote from: DraconisTiff on May 11, 2018, 10:20:38 PM
Thanks everyone for the welcome.
I am in the process of finding a new therapist and have taken to writing down my thoughts and wants as a way to inform her/him of my personal story because i can never seem to vocalize it. Hell that first day i wrote 8 and a half pages worth of stuff.. I normally hate writing but i just decided to do it. Now i try and write something everyday. I hope in the end it will help me with this when i finally find the right therapist. going to be seeing about an appointment on Monday since i found somebody i can see after work, she looks like a chill decent individual so I just need to meet them. The thoughts i'm having about this are stronger than they've ever been stemming from a dream i had a while back that made me realize what i really want to do. Dream was so vivid, i wished it was real.
My problem is not that i haven't accepted myself, because i have and want to embrace it, but because of my wife who is very black and white about what is and isn't for guys. I mentioned to her i wanted to start painting my toes and she kept asking me if i was gay and all these other questions that i just cant answer without us getting a divorce. I am not attracted to men and i never have been, so i guess that means i'm a lesbian.
Biggest worry i have right now is wanting to loose some weight and be able to actually find clothes to fit me. I'm 6' tall and even those over the knee socks need to be folded over under my knee because they are just a hair short of being able to stay up. I've been heavy since 13 and I am tired of it, but i cannot seem to keep the momentum going to go to the gym. the fat just doesn't seem to want to go away either*i have cut my portions and lost some weight but i need to really push myself at the gym to burn it faster which i cant seem to get a stable schedule to do. So off the cuff the main goal is weight loss first, then i have to deal with my thinning hair.
Thanks for the love, It feels nice to be accepted.
Ultimately you will find the right answers. You are in the same place lots of us are at or have been at. Go slow and be honest with yourself and even more honest with your SO. She may be asking now if you are gay but there will be another issue if you move forward that you need to consider. That is you both being women and her feeling like it's a lesbian relationship. Gay, not gay, gay again. I hope you see this and are prepared to answer those questions as well.
You need to consider timing of a discussion with your wife, she really needs to be involved from day one, it is so much harder rebuilding trust when you delay telling her until you are already down your new path, I speak from experience on this. We are working with it and staying together but it's got bumps.
When you talk make sure you tell the truth and don't get angry. Let her talk and express her true feelings and you need to listen calmly and openly, there may be painful statements made. Work with her and remember how big a deal this is for you and then consider it's ever a bigger deal for her. She is losing a husband and gaining a woman that she never counted on or considered.
Don't get discouraged with the rough parts, if you can make it work it will be a wonderful journey together.
Yesterday my wife mentioned how she hated the changes in me and me always talking about them right before she ordered me 5 blouses and 2 pairs of slacks.
Be prepared and don't get defensive and argumentative as it will just cause you to lose any gains you may have made.
Losing weight will be a bigger deal, if you start HRT down the road it can affect weight gain and lose. From what I've read it can cause gain, so getting a stray now is a good thing, just remember she will notice that too. My 80 pound drop and breast growth outed my to my wife well after I started my journey. If you go the HRT route you need to understand that no two people respond to it the same. There is no timeline or schedule with HRT. Your body will do with it what it wants at its own rate, don't get discouraged by that
You may find once you have a therapist and a good connection the things that will come pouring out will surprise you. Counseling is a very good step
Good luck and best wishes on moving forward