Just a little update to my original introductory post :
It has been a busy time and posting here was one of the many positive elements that started me on the road to sorting out demons that i need to extinguish once and for all.
I have wrote more chapters in my book bringing it up to date and i aim to finish it with the final chapter after SRS.
I decided to go with the Italian surgeon for my scar removal.
He used skin grafts from under my arms as the skin is softer and more supple.
The edging is almost invisible and only along the nostril crease and lip corners.
With even a small amount of foundation they are completely hidden.
The two surgeons in California have started to consult with me for the FFS that they kindly offered me.
They have advised that i just need some refining work on my forehead and cheeks to minimise the scars in the hairline, nose crevices, undereye pockets and mouth corners left over from the main scar removal. They are also doing a bullhorn lip-lift and a slight nose tilt as the Italian surgery had left the nose slightly sloped downward and i had always had an upturned nose.
They have asked for old photos from before the attack so they can keep to my original structure.
I have been on HT constantly throughout the years and my core facial structure is still as feminine as before the attack so they have advised against any other work with the intention of keeping my face as close to what it would have been at my age of 37 if i had not been attacked and aged normally albeit along with the hormone therapy.
They have said my elasticity is still very tight which is a bonus for any surgeon as it enables them to be more agressive with what they can achieve.
For the first time in many years after helping others become their real selves, i decided that with the physical scars removed and healed and my old club friends urging me back onto the Manchester scene, it was time for Jessica to once more walk the same street from that life-changing horrific moment.
I had agreed to have a meal at a restaurant with a best friend and her husband.
For the first time in 17 years, i used the make-up skills i had never lost from my club years and dressed in a little black dress and cropped jacket while all the time staring at my forehead and cheeks in the silly worry that the words could still be seen. My hands where shaking but more with a sort of 20y girl rebirth rather than the old worries.
i stepped out into the night air and drove to the road that had always been a memory i never ever wanted to revisit. I stood at the spot of the attack and bent down to feel the pavement while the noises of that night ran through my head like a repeating music score.
It took 17 years for Jessica to punch back but the final knockout was awarded to me as i ran through the 3 guys in my head, punching them into oblivion, one by one.
Jessica had survived, I had survived by through helping others, who then become good friends who then helped heal me along with the surgeons who helped them now helping me as a thank you for helping them. (only try and work that last sentence out while sober
As i walked to the table in the restaurant a waiter pulled out the chair and said "allow me miss"
Miss? I had not been called that since i was 20 and it was the sweetest word in the world at that very second.
My friend's husband had his mate join us later who noticed one of the scars around my nostril and politely asked, "what happened there? My friend said "she had an accident when she was a little girl", to which he just said "what happened, car accident?
Normally i would worry about him noticing the scar but i was more in shock at him believing i was once a little girl
My aim now is to have my SRS before i am 40 and try to find a guy that can accept my past while building a future together.
Even though i should pass easily, i have decided to inform of my birth gender and my past as i will know that i have found the right guy if he can accept and understand not just my transexuality but also my past.
....plus he should look like Tom Hardy
xx
Jess
