On Becoming Donna

[Donna]

This is long and I appologise in advance.
Well I should have done this earlier but didn't so now is as good a time as any ( thanks Christine)
Been a strange life for me but the major parts started in 2015 at my dads funeral.
The children of the person that molested me where at the funeral and I got hit by all the terrible thought and feeling all at once on top of dad passing. I was angry and desired to confront them about it until I found out he had died already. I broke out in crazy laughter and people at the viewing must of thought I lost my mind when I reality I just found it. This time in my life had never been brought up to anyone until counseling this year and I'm glad it out and open and done other than one unfortunate repercussion ( more on that later).
For the next year I started examining myself and my life, I started loosing weight and by the end of 2015 I had started wearing a bra because it just felt right.
2016 went by without to much difference, weight lose and a little more breast development. Wearing a bra with more regularity and more examining of my mind.
2017 is when thing started changing and I can't figure of why other than my yearly cancer follow up with my urologist got me thinking.
The thing is due to nerve damage I lived with severe incidents of priapism for the past 21 yrs which was destroying my life. My urologist suggested reducing my testosterone as a treatment and I said yes. This had been done in the late 1990's but I had bad reactions to it.
Well needless to say I really got pissed off when coverage was denied for the injection and at $1770. Every three months I couldn't afford it.
I went a different route while I fought for coverage with my insurance company. I started this in May of 2017. By October my T had dropped to 14.8 ( 426 ) so on a follow up call to my doctor he decided dutatriside May work in the mean time and my family doctor put me on aldactone after discovering my bra and breast growth. She was concerned about the growth and wanted to know what I wanted done with them ( removal) I told her I wanted them bigger.
Between October and the end of November weight dropped and breast grew till I went for my first fitting. 46C and happy for some strange reason. My wife had already seen my bra and breast by then and wondered about it all. I unfortunately did not talk to her then about my feeling which had turned to thoughts of transitioning.
Well in December my wife just innocently asked in a conversation if I liked my breasts, I told her I loved them and wanted them bigger. This started the conversation angrily that should have started a year ago.
Well more weight loss and more changes in mind set and by January I was down to a 42C and buying more bras and some female clothes for me. I started going out on my own in fem cloths and thinking about the differences I was felling. My wife and I talked and talked and talked, I started therapy and she did shortly after wards. Started on estrogen in January
It's been tough on us both but has taught us a lot about each other. We have talked more in 5 months than we did in the 13 yrs we have been married.
In February I basically stopped wearing male cloths but was trying to live in both worlds. My wife was angry but we were still talking which was good. End of February down more weight and down to a 40 band and C cups.
In March after lots of talking I shaved and my wife gave me make up, she suggested a wig and piercing my ears, both of which I did.
We talked and came to the conclusion that I needed to come out full time as I could not live the lie any more. My therapist calls me unique and I do feel special and blessed to be where I am without crashes. I've had not time for them. From the hugely disastrous emotional start to me life and to this end journey I will talk about that stuff later. It's been to emotional already.
Fast forward to May and I'm waiting for my name change paper work to be returned, I'm 1/2 in off being a 38 band and that will put me in a 38 DDD bra I'm wearing 16 tops and 18 pants and haven't been at this weight in over 20 years.
This is all I can do for now but I will be back with more.
Thanks for putting up with the lenght of this.

[christinej78]

This is long and I appologise in advance.
Well I should have done this earlier but didn't so now is as good a time as any ( thanks Christine)
Been a strange life for me but the major parts started in 2015 at my dads funeral.
The children of the person that molested me where at the funeral and I got hit by all the terrible thought and feeling all at once on top of dad passing. I was angry and desired to confront them about it until I found out he had died already. I broke out in crazy laughter and people at the viewing must of thought I lost my mind when I reality I just found it. This time in my life had never been brought up to anyone until counseling this year and I'm glad it out and open and done other than one unfortunate repercussion ( more on that later).
For the next year I started examining myself and my life, I started loosing weight and by the end of 2015 I had started wearing a bra because it just felt right.
2016 went by without to much difference, weight lose and a little more breast development. Wearing a bra with more regularity and more examining of my mind.
2017 is when thing started changing and I can't figure of why other than my yearly cancer follow up with my urologist got me thinking.
The thing is due to nerve damage I lived with severe incidents of priapism for the past 21 yrs which was destroying my life. My urologist suggested reducing my testosterone as a treatment and I said yes. This had been done in the late 1990's but I had bad reactions to it.
Well needless to say I really got pissed off when coverage was denied for the injection and at $1770. Every three months I couldn't afford it.
I went a different route while I fought for coverage with my insurance company. I started this in May of 2017. By October my T had dropped to 14.8 ( 426 ) so on a follow up call to my doctor he decided dutatriside May work in the mean time and my family doctor put me on aldactone after discovering my bra and breast growth. She was concerned about the growth and wanted to know what I wanted done with them ( removal) I told her I wanted them bigger.
Between October and the end of November weight dropped and breast grew till I went for my first fitting. 46C and happy for some strange reason. My wife had already seen my bra and breast by then and wondered about it all. I unfortunately did not talk to her then about my feeling which had turned to thoughts of transitioning.
Well in December my wife just innocently asked in a conversation if I liked my breasts, I told her I loved them and wanted them bigger. This started the conversation angrily that should have started a year ago.
Well more weight loss and more changes in mind set and by January I was down to a 42C and buying more bras and some female clothes for me. I started going out on my own in fem cloths and thinking about the differences I was felling. My wife and I talked and talked and talked, I started therapy and she did shortly after wards. Started on estrogen in January
It's been tough on us both but has taught us a lot about each other. We have talked more in 5 months than we did in the 13 yrs we have been married.
In February I basically stopped wearing male cloths but was trying to live in both worlds. My wife was angry but we were still talking which was good. End of February down more weight and down to a 40 band and C cups.
In March after lots of talking I shaved and my wife gave me make up, she suggested a wig and piercing my ears, both of which I did.
We talked and came to the conclusion that I needed to come out full time as I could not live the lie any more. My therapist calls me unique and I do feel special and blessed to be where I am without crashes. I've had not time for them. From the hugely disastrous emotional start to me life and to this end journey I will talk about that stuff later. It's been to emotional already.
Fast forward to May and I'm waiting for my name change paper work to be returned, I'm 1/2 in off being a 38 band and that will put me in a 38 DDD bra I'm wearing 16 tops and 18 pants and haven't been at this weight in over 20 years.
This is all I can do for now but I will be back with more.
Thanks for putting up with the lenght of this.

Hi Donna,                     21 May 2018

Great post; I really enjoyed reading it and looking forward to the "Rest of Your Story."

This sentence just made me laugh a happy laugh: "She was concerned about the growth and wanted to know what I wanted done with them ( removal) I told her I wanted them bigger." That statement is a Classic.

Looking forward to more.

Best Always, Love to you and your wife,
Christine

[Donna]

This new item doesn't need a whole bunch of explanation.
My name change has been approved and the government documents arrived today.
Donna Ashley has an even better ring to it now.

[christinej78]

This new item doesn't need a whole bunch of explanation.
My name change has been approved and the government documents arrived today.
Donna Ashley has an even better ring to it now.

Hello Donna Ashley,                  22 May 2018

Congratulations on having your name official. It does have a very nice ring to it.

Tell your wife I said Hello. Glad you both are together and love each other. God Bless the both of you and your family...including pets if you have them.

Like you, I'm going to have to limit my time on-line. I have a lot of work that needs to be done soon, so tomorrow this PC is going dark for a few days.

Best Always, Love,
Christine

[KathyLauren]

This new item doesn't need a whole bunch of explanation.
My name change has been approved and the government documents arrived today.
Donna Ashley has an even better ring to it now.

Yay!  Congratulations on legally becoming you!

[Chelsea]

This new item doesn't need a whole bunch of explanation.
My name change has been approved and the government documents arrived today.
Donna Ashley has an even better ring to it now.

Congrats Donna! I have to agree that it does have a nice little ring. I cant wait to get there one day.

Hugs,
          Chelsea

[Donna]

Just love it and the first thing I did was change all my insurance documents. Ladies get a 25% discount on rates. Lol
It's been an absolutely great first legal day, still smiling.

[pamelatransuk]

We have corresponded on many subjects together but I appreciate reading your first post on Becoming Donna. An interesting way of discovering your true self; any way to discovery is fine of course - we all find our true selves in so many different ways! Everyone's story is unique but there are some common themes.

I am glad your relationship with your wife is so close and that HRT is progressing well.

Congratulations also on the approval of your Name Change.

Hugs

Pamela

[Donna]

An update
It's the good, the bad and the ugly and not always in that order if I can make it they this.
So starting at around age 11-12 The supposed adult next door found a new hobby. ME
He would appear everythime I was in the yard or the garage at home where he could get near me without anyone seeing. I was confused and in that stage of life that I really didn't know how to handle this and couldn't talk to anyone about it. This went on for several years of touching and coaching and pushing. I am the oldest and the assigned protector of my siblings. I have three brothers and a sister and I felt with a child's that if he was occupied with me he would leave them alone. I was right in a sense and he did stay away from them until I eventually figured out how to break off contact but as I found out he did go after two of my brothers. I opened up about this when I came out about transitioning and they told me about him as well.
Found out he was well know as the local creep and others were affected, really wish I had spoken up way back then to protect others. I stuffed my emotions and my emotional development was severely screwed up. I never even remembered puberty and was drinking at 16 which really sucked. Didn't help with school or friendships and I just crawled further inside myself.
Life sucked and I hated it until high school. I meet a great young lady that had just moved In from another province. We hit it off and became soul mates right away. She opened up about being raped but I never said a thing about me and I should have. We finished high school and were married at 18. Everyone condemned us and said we would fail. I buried her 29 years later of congestive heart failure, I sure miss her still.
Our life was far from perfect. We had a baby girl and a funeral a week later for her, we had a son a couple years later and a funeral a couple weeks later. We finally succeeded and my daughter was born a health bouncing baby boy.
We decided at that point we would have no more kids and moved on with life. My emotions were destroyed early and even more after these events. I stuffed everything and became an evil prick but never layed a hand on either of them ever.
Later some years we had an opportunity to adopt a child and we just fell deeply in love with him. Yup the birth mom changed her mind almost two years later and we found out the paper work had never been filed correctly so we
Had no leg to stand on. Drinking and more drinking and really depressed and then I found fetish's and I was off like a shot. I could do what I felt like and get off and feel good about myself. It ran the gamut from mundane and harmless to strange and bizarre and very sick and creepy.
Not proud of any of it but I believe it kept me alive barely. Broke my back in a truck wreck and ended up with permanent damage to the bowels and bladder as well as nerve damage from the hips down. Very weird learning how to walk again with no sensory feelings in my legs and feet. Eventually got enough back to get my licence back.
We muddled thru the rest of our years until she passed away at home. Yup I was a
Suspect until the autopsy was done on Boxing Day. She passed on December 23.
I spent the next two years raising a son one my own and hurting myself and a brief Bi phase.
I meet my current wife but never brought up any of my past. We clicked and fell in love and where married in 2003. I never opened up and still had some mild kink going on that she eventually learned of.
We have had our ups and downs and 5 years ago Leila, my daughter arrived but was afraid to tell us of her transition. When we did find out we accepted her 100%. My wife always wondered why I didn't have any reaction but loving and caring for her.
In 2015 my father passed and I ran into the children of my molester and it opened up a very old wound and brought it back to the surface and again I never said a word. I did laugh out load at the funeral when I found out he was dead.
Due to the nerve damage I suffered from severe priapism that was making me crazy almost to the point of removing the offending appendage myself. 21 years I suffered thru this and no one helped until March 2017.
My urologist suggested shutting down testosterone to stop the erections, unfortunately I couldn't afford the shot and it's not covered for off label use. I got desperate and depressed and started drinking again almost to a stupid level and losing weight.  I researched and found a herbal cocktail that did start working but a side affect was breast development. It didn't bother me and I talked to both my doctors about prescription med that would do the same job and I started on dutatriside and spiro as I had told my family doctor I really wanted bigger breast. Who new this would start a snowball rolling that wouldn't stop. That was October of 2017 and the rest is history. By December I came out to my wife who of course was really not happy with this. In January I started dressing more fem and February almost 100% female cloths. In March I just couldn't do the dual life and chose my side for the rest of my life.
My counselor opened up something during our second session and the unspoken was finally release to the first human ever. Then with everything else I dumped in her I told my wife. My goodness this opened up my emotions and my brain. I have never cried and talked and opened up like this ever before. My emotions are back and they are something so new and so foreign to me I'm still learning to handle them and I love it. My wife and I have talked more in the last 5 months than in the previous 14  years.
We are girlfriends, best friends, partners and companions for life and really starting to find our rhythm and friendship and we are staying together. We don't have all good days but they are getting up to 85% and for the 15% we work it out calmly between us.
My makeup is al over my face right now so I'll close out for now.
Love you all 💗💕donna💗💕

[Nicole70]

Donna,

Thank you for sharing your most personal feelings and history, some of your details are heart breaking and I feel very sorry for your losses, you have had a very tough time. I'm so happy for you that you have be able to come through those difficult times and have found love again and have been able to confide in your wife things you have held inside for so many years, it's good that you have her support and most days are now good days.

Hugs

Nicole

[KathyLauren]

Donna, thank you for sharing this most personal part of your story with us.  I am glad I am not wearing makeup at the moment, or I'd be ruining it.

So much of what you talk about is familiar to me.  For decades, I never talked to a soul about being molested as a teenager.  And I realize now that I survived by turning my emotions down to zero.  I am gradually learning to turn that volume control up a little bit at a time.

I am glad to hear that your wife is by your side through this.  That is such a joy.

[Donna]

Thank you dear ladies. I will continue moving forward in the best manner and fashion I can and  be the best woman and person I can

[christinej78]

An update
It's the good, the bad and the ugly and not always in that order if I can make it they this.

Love you all 💗💕donna💗💕

Dear Donna,                 28 May 2018

Thank you so much for your courage and candor; I salute you and your wife.

I really don't know where to begin; I thought I had problems growing up, you lived in hell and emerged an angel.
I'm very sorry you had to experience life's rubbish; you have done a great service to our community with your honesty, candor and bravery. You deserve the "Medal of Honor" for your thread. I know that medal is for war hero's; well your life was a war and you fought it and won singlehandedly.

God Bless you, your loving wife and family.

Best Always, All My Love Always mis amiga,
Christien

[Stevi]

Donna,

Some how I missed this thread.  I am pleased to make your acquaintance.  Thank you for opening up so completely and letting us in.  I am super pleased that after such a rough start in life you and wife are coming into your own good place.

Sad and happy tears mingled.
Pass the tissues, please,
Stevi

[Donna]

Thank you everyone, after I came out to my therapist about the abuse she suggested I wait for my feelings to settle a bit and we would talk more at the next appointment. We had already been 2.5 hours for a 1 hr session. I did wait to tell my wife right after supper that evening. It was very likely the hardest thing I ever had to talk about.
It has also been the biggest release and awakening I could have ever imagined. Being able to share has been a huge healing step for me and I can now talk and think about it without to much crying.
I appreciate how hard it is to read and reread. I have found that rereading my posts and my journal can set off emotions deep down but I find it suprising to see the change in tone and clarity that have happened as well.
I smile and laugh and feel good about myself everyday and have total confidence and commitment to my new life and have not had a single regret other than not doing this years ago.
I can get up and get dressed everyday, one leg at a time just like the rest of the world and just like he did in the past. Only nothing feels unfamiliar or weird or anything but this having had been this way my entire life.
I even find myself using word and terms that are totally female and knowing exactly what I'm saying and talking about. Like they have always been part of my vocabulary.
I am so pleased to be a small part of this wonderful family here and I'm becoming an outspoken supporter of all thing LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈, this has really surprised me as well I didn't think I had such strong feeling for all of us being accepted as fellow human beings.

[Donna]

My first exposure to Donna was in female cloths and light make up on  the day I bought my wig. I was all smiles from head to toe coming home and into the house wearing my new purchase. I had walked thru the mall after the purchase and felt free.
I walked into the house to show my wife and sat at the dining table, my wife across from me and our china cabinet with mirror backing. I looked in the mirror and started to cry. My wife was immediately concerned and as soon as I could settle down and talk I told her what had just happened
As I sat there showing her my wig and looking in the mirror l was caught completely off guard as I had no clue who just looked back at me. It wasn't Doug, didn't look like him, sit like him or act like him. I was so confused and almost afraid at the person looking back. It was Donna and it was the first week of March 2018. I just had to keep looking and trying to take in the person looking back. She was beautiful and so pleasant looking. She was happy beyond belief and could barely talk. I couldn't take the wig off in case he was there but I had to keep looking.
All my wife could say is I was very cute and wonder what was happening and what I was seeing.
I couldn't explain it and after talking and talking and discussing I asked about going full time as I knew he was gone to the closet. The next morning I got up and wig and female cloths and some
Light make up and I was out the door to go to work ( they were told in February of the changes coming)
I walked out that door and have never been happier, I have not had a minutes thought about this being wrong. It is so right and always will be. Today I look in that mirror and I fully recognize the person looking back, it is Donna and she is happy and wonderful to see and he doesn't even show up when my hair is off. My wife now doesn't like seeing me with out my hair as she still gets glimpses of him and it's confusing to her, she would much rather see Donna now. Tonight after my shower I came out in a skir, thin bsleevless
Blouse and headlight in full ( no bra) and no hair. She sent me right back to the room to put my hair on), I think I could have been dressed as a bum and she wouldn't have noticed, only the hair
My hair is on as soon as I'm out of bed and comes off when I get into bed. I have five different wigs now so I'm never with out

[Donna]

Well i dont know what it is or why but i have felt terrible today. I don know if i can call it anxiety or maybe its depression or im just really tired or what ever.
I have not felt like this  ever before. If its depression i dont like it and want it to go away. I think it may have started Saturday with a harmless comment from my brother in law. He delivered a message from his daughter of her total and complete support and love.
This should have mage my very happy but instead it sent me to the fact that i have two nieces and two nephews on my wifes side that support me an this brings me to the trigger i believe. Her boys will make no effort to meet me, talk to me or accept that my wife an di are doing the best we can under the circumstances.
They are being total pricks in my mind as they keep telling my wife they hate what im doing to her. They don't realize that they are tearing her apart, she loves me and she loves them but she is being stuck in the middle of a catch 22 situation. I cant force her to draw a line and she has tried to explain it to them. Hell they wont ever bring the grand kids around. They expect her to meet them at a local park and visit there like its some sort of arranged settlement. This is hugely stupid on their part as my wife is in a wheel chair and it is super hard on her getting in and out of our truck. It take her away from her comforts at home and it requires me to do all the work of getting her there and back. I do that part willingly with out argument but it is so selfish of them and plain ignorant. I dont want to start drinking again but i came close today and i dont need to feel worse than i do for the pain im putting my wife thru.
This is feeling worse than when i was thinking of ending it all because then i knew the reason for the way i felt. I actually feel like surrendering and saying f-- it all but its getting harder to be happy. I was so angry and flustered today and i hate that, it feels like the life is being sucked out of me
I cant write any more right now

[christinej78]

Well i dont know what it is or why but i have felt terrible today. I don know if i can call it anxiety or maybe its depression or im just really tired or what ever.
I have not felt like this  ever before. If its depression i dont like it and want it to go away. I think it may have started Saturday with a harmless comment from my brother in law. He delivered a message from his daughter of her total and complete support and love.
This should have mage my very happy but instead it sent me to the fact that i have two nieces and two nephews on my wifes side that support me an this brings me to the trigger i believe. Her boys will make no effort to meet me, talk to me or accept that my wife an di are doing the best we can under the circumstances.
They are being total pricks in my mind as they keep telling my wife they hate what im doing to her. They don't realize that they are tearing her apart, she loves me and she loves them but she is being stuck in the middle of a catch 22 situation. I cant force her to draw a line and she has tried to explain it to them. Hell they wont ever bring the grand kids around. They expect her to meet them at a local park and visit there like its some sort of arranged settlement. This is hugely stupid on their part as my wife is in a wheel chair and it is super hard on her getting in and out of our truck. It take her away from her comforts at home and it requires me to do all the work of getting her there and back. I do that part willingly with out argument but it is so selfish of them and plain ignorant. I dont want to start drinking again but i came close today and i dont need to feel worse than i do for the pain im putting my wife thru.
This is feeling worse than when i was thinking of ending it all because then i knew the reason for the way i felt. I actually feel like surrendering and saying f-- it all but its getting harder to be happy. I was so angry and flustered today and i hate that, it feels like the life is being sucked out of me
I cant write any more right now

Hi Donna,                  04 June 2018

I don't think I have enough experience to give advice, but I can share my opinion. My thinking is the same as yours, it's the nephews. It is not your or your wife's fault; it's those two pecker heads. You are not the source of your wife's pain, it's the aforementioned pecker headed nephews.

I know you and your wife are loved by everyone here. We'd do anything we could to solve this problem. Even though we are scattered all over "Tim Buk and 2," I'm sure some of the smart and experienced members will jump in here and lend a helping hand.

Please take care of yourselves, Don't let the nephews mess with your lives.

Best Always, All My Love,
Christine

[Dena]

This is relatively easy to deal with however it's going to require some serious parenting. Your primary responsibilities are to the care of your wife. This means you love and care for your wife first and you do what you can to keep her comfortable. Explain to your wife that this little revolt can be ended quickly if your wife agrees only to see her children in your home and she is not willing to travel the countryside in order to visit with them because it's to physically demanding for her to do so. They are welcome in your house and it's their choice and not your as to if they ever want to see their mother again.

It will come down to a matter of their character. If they are grownup enough to put their mother over their gut feeling, they will visit you in your home. If not, they have a little growing up to do and possibly after they think about it a while they will come around. It's important to remember that it's their problem and not yours. Continuing to allow them to have their way will never fix the problem and if your wife has additional health complications, these trips out of the house could become life threatening. It's better to deal with it now than latter because the longer they get away with this, the less likely they are to change.

[KathyLauren]

Her boys will make no effort to meet me, talk to me or accept that my wife an di are doing the best we can under the circumstances.
They are being total pricks in my mind as they keep telling my wife they hate what im doing to her. They don't realize that they are tearing her apart, she loves me and she loves them but she is being stuck in the middle of a catch 22 situation.

Donna, I am so sorry that you have to put up with those <not allowed>s.  I am sorry too that you wife has to deal with it, because it must be even harder for her.  The nephews are putting her in a position of having to divide her loyalties.  That is a particularly nasty thing for them to do to family. 

I agree with Dena that your wife needs to be tough with the nephews.  She will likely need your support to do it, because it will be hard for her.

Here's a big hug for both of you: (((((HUG)))))