Things are going well, and it's making me feel bad

[AnamethatstartswithE]

The past couple of weeks have had a lot of activity for me. I've been talking with HR at my job, and both they and my supervisor are being very supportive of me. I'm also a member of a civic organization that is almost entirely made up of veterans (I'm not). I told the person in charge of our unit and he's supportive. Finally, a friend of mine from college is getting married next month, and after telling him about me, and the fact that I plan on going full time soon, he's fine with me being there. Currently the only pushback I've gotten is from my parents.

This has been great, I am well aware of how lucky I am. That being said it also is making me sort of sad. Partly I think it's because if everybody is this accepting why did I wait so long? Intellectually I know that had I done this even 2 or 3 years ago it probably would not have been this smooth. I think that's another part of it. I'm 35 now, when I was in Junior High/ High school and trying to figure out what the heck was going on with me, there was nothing. Now there's support groups, and nondiscrimination policies, and awareness that its something that is hard to deal with and deserves understanding instead of derision. I could have been a part of that if I weren't such a coward. I hid until the hard work was done, and I have to live with that.

Has anybody else dealt with this? What did you do?

[MissyMay2.0]

There weren't very many people (~2) who were supportive of my transition outside of the trans community when I began transitioning in 1998, so I had a lot of work and family problems (I also wanted some FFS before going full time), and subsequently postponed full time transition until 2007, but I was on HRT for 5 years prior. My personal philosophy is to go into any situation prepared to the best of my ability, so while it took 9 years for me to go full time, that time was not wasted, because I set myself up for success, and I would have had a harder time if I had gone full time prematurely. 

[krobinson103]

I waited 30 years to transition. I knew I should, but I wasn't ready. Everything is going really well and i'm happy. Sometimes I kick myself for not doing it earlier, but I have to accept I wasn't ready and the time is right now. You can't look back with regret, rather forward with hope.

[Karen]

There weren't very many people (~2) who were supportive of my transition outside of the trans community when I began transitioning in 1998, so I had a lot of work and family problems (I also wanted some FFS before going full time), and subsequently postponed full time transition until 2007, but I was on HRT for 5 years prior. My personal philosophy is to go into any situation prepared to the best of my ability, so while it took 9 years for me to go full time, that time was not wasted, because I set myself up for success, and I would have had a harder time if I had gone full time prematurely.

Thanks for sharing..  I've value knowing more about your approach to transition.   

In my case, I am not sure how far I will go, but I do think it will take a few - several years.  Partly because of family and career reasons, but also because every time I find clothing I like by dysphoria about my body or face / hair goes up...because I don't feel complete on the outside.  Its like I don't want to go in public until I am the me I want to be.

Would love your thoughts. 

Karen

[MissyMay2.0]

Thanks for sharing..  I've value knowing more about your approach to transition.   

In my case, I am not sure how far I will go, but I do think it will take a few - several years.  Partly because of family and career reasons, but also because every time I find clothing I like by dysphoria about my body or face / hair goes up...because I don't feel complete on the outside.  Its like I don't want to go in public until I am the me I want to be.

Would love your thoughts. 

Karen

Hi Karen,

Not wanting to go out in public until my face and body matched the way I felt inside was very important to me because I wanted the world to clearly see the true me, and treat me as the woman I know myself to be; because to me invalidation would make transition pointless, because why would I go through all of that hardship to be the real me, if the world still cannot see who I truly am.

Yes, I transitioned for myself. Yes, I want validation as a woman in society.

[KathyLauren]

Has anybody else dealt with this? What did you do?

I think most of us late transitioners have had to address this in some way.  Heck, I started at 61! 

But that kind of gives me the clue for how to keep my sanity about it.  If I dwelt on it, I would have to think about the fact that I have "wasted" at least 2/3 of my life.  That could be a huge bummer.  So I don't dwell on it.  Yeah, yeah, woulda, coulda, shoulda.  The bottom line was that I wasn't ready until then, and society wasn't ready to let me be ready until then.  So, as far as I am concerned, it's all water  under the bridge.

The bottom line here today is that I am in a good place.  My wife supports me.  My neighbours and friends support and accept me.  Even my wifes relatives, I learned today at a family event, are polite to me.  What's not to like?  And the important thing is that all those years that I could consider "wasted" were what got me to this good place.  Okay, maybe I took the scenic route, but here I am, and I like where I am.

[Dena]

You need to look at this from a different point of view. Many people go through life with a family, job or life that their not happy with but they continue doing the same thing because they feel obligated to do so. They reach old age and look at their life with regret. Like the others, you have a past that your not happy with. Unlike the others you have decided to do something about it and you still have as much as 2/3s of your life ahead of you to enjoy your new life.

We all have things in our life that we regret however they can't be changed so your only option is to build a better future and avoid the mistakes of the past.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you Dena, that helped.

[Jessica]

I think most of us late transitioners have had to address this in some way.  Heck, I started at 61! 

But that kind of gives me the clue for how to keep my sanity about it.  If I dwelt on it, I would have to think about the fact that I have "wasted" at least 2/3 of my life.  That could be a huge bummer.  So I don't dwell on it.  Yeah, yeah, woulda, coulda, shoulda.  The bottom line was that I wasn't ready until then, and society wasn't ready to let me be ready until then.  So, as far as I am concerned, it's all water  under the bridge.

The bottom line here today is that I am in a good place.  My wife supports me.  My neighbours and friends support and accept me.  Even my wifes relatives, I learned today at a family event, are polite to me.  What's not to like?  And the important thing is that all those years that I could consider "wasted" were what got me to this good place.  Okay, maybe I took the scenic route, but here I am, and I like where I am.

I agree @KathyLauren!  I too started at 61 with actively doing something, but in truth my transition started when it became apparent who I was in my teens.  Societal pressures and no avenue for relief, I lived life till I could do something about it.

And here I am, Jess

[emma-f]

When I was 18, back in 1999, I first went to my GP who knew nothing of the condition and sent me to a gay men's support group, and went to my first private gender clinic. I'm now 36 and only now am I out and properly transitioning. Had I kept on it when I was 18, I'd have probably been post op in my early 20s, spent my university days in my preferred gender, started a career in my acquired gender (and thus able to be effectively stealth at work, with a full employment history as a female).

But I regret none of it. Had I transitioned I wouldn't have my daughter who is the most amazing person ever. My family are all now supportive, but I don't think they would have been had I come out in the late 90s. Times are very different now. I've had great experiences, and I've been able to build a good career. And as much as I might have this daydream fairy tail of how amazing transition for me at 18 would have been, equally, it might not have worked. I might have been distracted from my studies with transitioning in a different time, might not have made the career that I did. I'm no believer in fate, but for me, I just believe that I transitioned at the right time for me

[SammyHatesGreenEggs]

AnamethatstartswithanE, thankfully my experience has been very similar to yours.  I've had some similar feelings as well!

I'm thirty years old and have told practically everyone I interact with on a regular basis, and have only had two out of ~100 react negatively.  My thought are similar to those from Dena, in that what's been done has been done and we can't change the past.  At least we both still have relatively full lives as who we truly want to be.

I meant to comment in your other update thread, but your thoughts on your transition are always helpful and contributive.  I wish you the best as you continue in your transition.

[Donna]

At 60 I started to understand where I needed to go in life at 62 I came out to my wife and the rest is history. I would have liked to start sooner but didn't know this is what I needed , so no regrets in that regard. Best to embrace and enjoy what's to come.
I've had super support and acceptance with only 6 people that I have known for years that are now out of the picture( maybe temporarily, one never knows)

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone. I still feel bad about not being there for the rest of the community back when it could have done more good. I guess the best thing I could do is use my position and what influence I have to help make things easier for anyone who comes after.

[pamelatransuk]

I agree @KathyLauren!  I too started at 61 with actively doing something, but in truth my transition started when it became apparent who I was in my teens.  Societal pressures and no avenue for relief, I lived life till I could do something about it.
And here I am, Jess

I am another late starter at 62 but again I always "knew" as a child and in reality transition started at 16 with really long hair and crossdressing and bodyshaving. 46 years later all the obstacles were removed - societal pressures, family relationships, HRT without immediately going public - hence I took action and commenced transition.

Pamela

[pamelatransuk]

Times are very different now.

Precisely!

[maybesoph]

I love reading the positivity on here it really does fill me with hope instead of darkness, I'm just starting at 44 and so wish I'd done it decades ago but on the flip side is never have the family I do now.
So regrets are outweighed by positives, and I've still got years left hopefully to finally be free.


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[Donna]

Myself I doubt I could have sat back and waited for a specific point to pass in appearance or body or look or sound. October of 17 I started on prescription meds, December of 17 I came out to my wife, March of 18 I went full time and out to the world. For my this has felt and worked fine. After wasting an eternity in the wrong body I couldn't wait any longer to be female.
In saying that we all just have to consider what is right for each of us and move forward.

[Corrina]

My biggest fear is my family. 3brothers and my mom depends on me. I am so happy for you. I have to come out soon though, hrt is going to give me away.