Curious about the trans / lesbian dating world

TsukiCat · May 28, 2018, 12:20:12 PM

Hi, so recently i have my mind set on transitioning MTF, and my sexuality is certain, interested in women.
I cant find a clear answer on how cis woman feel about dating transwomen. Can anyone share some personal experience. Are cis women normally fussed or is it a problem. Thanks ^^

Dee Marshall · May 28, 2018, 12:33:39 PM

Cis lesbians aren't a monolithic block. Some accept us as sisters. Some hate us with a passion. Some, like some men, see us as fetish objects. Some accept us but won't date us. And, yes, there is always the possibility of a violent reaction.

If you go with trans lesbians all of the above still applies but the proportions May differ.

All we can do is take our chances.

Sorry.

The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.

Maybebaby56 · May 28, 2018, 12:47:00 PM

Hi TsukiCat,

Unfortunately, there are no "clear answers" in the dating world. Everyone is an individual and outcomes are unique.

I have dated some as a post-op transgender, mostly pursuing relationships with women. All I can tell you is I got a few dates, but almost never a second one after they found out I was transgender. There was one exception, and I do see her from time to time, and we have a casual intimacy that is comfortable for both of us. When we have slept together, it is mostly cuddling and caresses.

As far as lesbians dating pre-op transsexuals, I would guess that is a different issue. The cis-lesbians I have conversed with were pretty much turned off by the thought or sight of male genitals, but again, everyone is different. All I can suggest is being honest and up-front about things. As one lady told me, "I am completely supportive of trans women socially, but we get turned on by what turns us on, and I am not sure dating a trans woman would work for me".

You have to respect other people's choices. If the chemistry is not there, it's not there. When it is, it's a blessing. I recently met a pre-op trans lady, and she is terrific. I am very attracted to her, and could definitely see having a relationship with her. I think she feels the same way. So you never know where you will find love!

With kindness,

Terri

Michelle_P · May 28, 2018, 01:51:18 PM

Well, all we can do is speak in generalities. Dating is a sort of specific one-on-one thing, and those generalities don't really apply.

In general, older ciswomen don't care to date older transwomen, whether pre or post op. I have quite a few friends in the lesbian community, and some even accept me as a lesbian. None would date me, as far as I can tell. I'm thoroughly in the 'friend zone'.

In going to meetups in the area, I have found the Berkeley (California) and some other lesbian meetup groups to be the least accepting. One 'trans friendly' group was really 'trans man' friendly, and decidedly a 'womyn-born-womyn' sort of group. Others welcomed me, and informed me up front that there were only a few trans women in the group, so my dating pool would be limited. Yes, 'trans should only date trans' is a thing with the older lesbian community.

Younger lesbian/queer communities and meetup groups are much more accepting. For the under-40 folks, there is much more acceptance of trans women as reasonable dating partners in general.

For online dating, well, I got zero real connections that way. I did get some stuff from men posing as lesbian women (yes, this is an online 'thing'), and a couple pieces of hate mail. As an older trans woman, I found the online scene didn't work for me.

I'm currently seeing a very nice woman my age that I met through a message board and a personal visit, and we get along well. After several visits, I'm quite happy with how this relationship is working out so far. 🙂

Dee Marshall · May 28, 2018, 02:39:59 PM

Quote from: Michelle_P on May 28, 2018, 01:51:18 PM
For online dating, well, I got zero real connections that way. I did get some stuff from men posing as lesbian women (yes, this is an online 'thing'), and a couple pieces of hate mail. As an older trans woman, I found the online scene didn't work for me.

I can't help wondering if all or some of the "men posing as lesbians" aren't trans women in denial.

The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.

Devlyn · May 28, 2018, 02:53:05 PM

Lesbian is a term addressing sexuality, not gender. As it means attraction between two same sex partners, that means a vagina is pretty much a requirement in the eyes of most lesbians.

Michelle_P · May 28, 2018, 05:36:15 PM

Quote from: Devlyn on May 28, 2018, 02:53:05 PM
Lesbian is a term addressing sexuality, not gender. As it means attraction between two same sex partners, that means a vagina is pretty much a requirement in the eyes of most lesbians.

Indeed!

And there is a subset, particularly among older lesbians, for whom a surgically constructed vulva and vagina isn't acceptable, no matter the appearance.

Even "passing" in every respect, fully stealth, if they discover ones true origin the response won't be pretty.

I disclosed up front in online profiles, and still provoked a poor reaction from those who felt that I had somehow "tricked" them. Read the damn profile, please!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Devlyn · May 28, 2018, 06:10:57 PM

Quote from: Michelle_P on May 28, 2018, 05:36:15 PM
Indeed!

And there is a subset, particularly among older lesbians, for whom a surgically constructed vulva and vagina isn't acceptable, no matter the appearance.

Even "passing" in every respect, fully stealth, if they discover ones true origin the response won't be pretty.

I disclosed up front in online profiles, and still provoked a poor reaction from those who felt that I had somehow "tricked" them. Read the damn profile, please!

I believe that people have the right to choose if a relationship with a trans person is off limits to them. Not disclosing that fact is something I would never consider.

Nikkimn · May 28, 2018, 09:33:26 PM

I'm a lesbian transwoman in a non-monogamous marriage with a CIS woman. I'm also dating another married non-monogamous pansexual CIS woman.

My wife decided she only really liked woman after I started transitioning and my girlfriend has only ever known me as a woman and likes my feminine features and appearance.

I would say it's definitely highly variable certain there are woman that are good with it and there are some that are not.

RobynD · May 29, 2018, 10:00:29 AM

Indeed there are no rules really. You just keep trying to meet people and enjoy their company. Lesbian women, bisexual women, pansexual women, bisexual men, heterosexual men, trans people, and just plain friends, are all categories in my dating world, but of course it comes down to the individual as to whether they find me attractive romantically or not. (and vice versa)

I have dated a "mostly" lesbian woman, my current girlfriend is squarely in the pansexual category and my current boyfriend is "mostly" heterosexual.

Amaki · May 29, 2018, 11:10:39 AM

Not that I am hitting on you or anything, but as a trans women (myself included) how do you feel about dating another trans women, not at all saying you should settle but the ultimate idea of dating is finding someone you can have a physical, mental, and spiritual (if you believe that far) connection with. I've lived all of my life up to this point as a male (I knew in my heart it was wrong but my head/mind took awhile to accept it) and I agree dating is hard any relationship I had I think they knew I was lying to myself. This is also a subject that worried me, I have no interest in cis males, but maybe Im more accepting than you are asking about lol.

Just wondering is all.

RobynD · May 29, 2018, 11:37:21 AM

Personally, i consider trans women or trans men to be dating prospects. I have only had a single date with a trans woman and she was really nice. What you say about an affinity for one another based on like experiences and challenges, is no doubt true, however those same commonalities exist with cis people too.

Amaki · May 29, 2018, 12:35:58 PM

Quote from: RobynD on May 29, 2018, 11:37:21 AM
Personally, i consider trans women or trans men to be dating prospects. I have only had a single date with a trans woman and she was really nice. What you say about an affinity for one another based on like experiences and challenges, is no doubt true, however those same commonalities exist with cis people too.

Never said it didn't but yeah, ultimately its about the connection. I know of some people who had such a strong connection that even though they identify as 'heterosexual' they choose to stay together in a same sex relationship. I know of the opposite too.

Beverly Anne · May 30, 2018, 07:38:29 AM

Hi TsukiCat,

I'm MtF and just started dating a cis-L woman. Our interests, hobbies and values match up very well. I met her through online dating, which was suggested by my therapist. I have really struggled with this. I didn't put in my profile that I was trans, so she didn't know at first when we began talking on the phone. We connected and really liked each other over hours of phone conversation before we met.

When I disclosed, her first thought was that I had been playing her, and that I was dishonest about myself. We talked it through, including what a long-term relationship as partners might look like, if it happens. I'm in medical transition and plan to have bottom surgery in about a year or so. I can tell you that this was important to her. Probably a deal breaker if this wasn't my plan. Sexuality and gender are so diverse, it's impossible to generalize. Just wanted to share my own experience thus far. Good luck!

TsukiCat · May 30, 2018, 08:22:56 AM

Sorry I let the responses build up a bit I had a busy few days.

Honestly, about dating a trans women, a women is a women a man is a man wether there trans or cis. I believe a transwoman is still a woman and a transman is still a man. Ive bden reading into this a lot because withoht been to personal ive "not been with anyone" as a man and I dknt want to intil ive transitioned. My main fear os ive read that a lot of people dont except trans people as men or women and ive heard of people been horrible and worse to us.

Im curious if we are safer or better off dating in our own community then, are there places (like dating sites) to help find others?

If this is the case and um unsure if this sounds really insensitive if i t does im really really sorry but do most transwomen date pre op or post op. This is all very cobfusing for me so im really sorry if this sounded at all offensive, I was just curious due personally not interwsted in men.

Once again please excuse the spellibg my phone is evil ^^

TsukiCat · May 30, 2018, 09:50:43 AM

This might be a bit awkard so feel free to say no but is there ny chance I could pm you somehow Amaki if your comfortable with it. You seem to know a lot a bout this and as its something youve worried about aswell. I dont know if this is the right way to ask this as im not very good socially. Sorry if this is awkward lol

I couldnt quote as my phone is playing up

TranSketch · May 30, 2018, 08:55:48 PM

Dating is complex whether Trans or CIS, myself I've always struggled to get a relationship let alone keep it, I suspect my personality isn't usually enough to keep someone interested as by my very nature I am actually quite dull, I remained a virgin even at 28 as I never felt right doing the deed as a male but again maybe this is more my issue I'm quite a social recluse and would never approach a girl in public on a night out, I'm the type to just sit in the corner and be quiet/occupy myself but obviously not everyone is like that, I imagine someone whom is bubbly and interesting stands a good chance regardless of there status and obviously the others persons preferences as some may not care about the fact a girl is Tran, some may be put of by it but no different than straight CIS female not liking aspects of a CIS male etc.
Right now my life is to complicated to worry about dating and even if it wasn't I've mostly given up on finding someone for me, I'm not the sort of person who can find love even if I want to so I have to accept that's my lot in life.