Its been quite a journey for me and post operative life certainly made me think much deeper into what role and perspective that I need to look at.
This topic generally is my own opinion, just wanting to share.
What I have noticed when I was pre-op and in the realisation phase, that is the basis at which I know that I was born with the wrong body and that was the point of time that I realised that is this me? Who am I?
I came to realise this when I was young, probably about 5years, never realise my affirmation towards female identity and yes attire and mannerism towards leaning as a female since young.
Yes, sure the bullying, the catergorisation and such of the gender which many experience during the childhood are something that I went thru.
However I believe that is the most purest form of identity crisis that I was borned with.
A female. Something that I realise that is whom I am with regards to my gender.
How to go about such, well at that age, ignorant have to go thru life as such being in the wrong role, wrong body and conflicting character changes.
Growing up, seeing psychiatrist, taking hormones, seeking solution to resolve my problem.
Many I am sure went on such route.
Yes we usually term as transitioning. Be it stealth or outwardly known to others.
Transitioning is where I feel I lose myself.
At this stage, I regards myself as what many others term as Transgender.
Being labelled as a transgender or transsexual or whatever terminology to describe whom I am and such.
I read on articles on fighting rights to seek acceptance to transgender and letting public realise that transgender whom and what we are. Nothing wrong, it seems the right thing to do. Yes, LGBT resources and such provided a platform for all to find info and realisation and generally for public to understand whom we are and what we identify as.
With such, it certainly is a helpful platform where I can relate to and learn experiences from. Honestly I never really can rely on psychiatrist as generally its the person whom are undergoing such will understand what ->-bleeped-<- is or what Gender Identity Crisis is.
It's akin to asking autism and studies and researches can bring conclusion to it but actually what an autism child feels and thinks in his or her world only he or she knows.
Mental, a form of psychology can never be explained and understood thru a third party and often its difficult to address as everyone desire and environment is different.
Well the presence of psychiatrist Beats no support or no gatekeeping for such identification of gender identity.
Right or wrong, well at least the process is in place to Ensure that the person can adapt and move onwards to the next stage of his or her life.
Not contesting this thou.
But what I want to bring about is myself at this point, often relying on this resources and such, I tend to identify as a transgender. A mismatch not in male Nor female, an impression of akin to a third gender seeking acceptance.
Even when coming to real life transition, I don't know if I am assuming the role of transgender or a woman. Even when it comes to fighting rights, as a transgender or woman. I question myself sometimes on this, am I am transgender fighting for rights to live as a woman in equivalent or as a woman fighting for my rights. There is a difference. Huge one.
Perhaps at this point, more than often some will get confuse at what I am trying to say.
Moving onwards, post-op. I slowly realise on where I left off since I was a young child. Something triggered me to realise that all along I am a woman. That piece of transitioning seems something like an illness phase that I recovered from. I am who I am now. Strangely conflicting, so am I transgendered? Nope does LGBT movement seems relevant to me?
Ok, before I proceed onwards, LGBT is important, it certainly is, and that is critical for myself to obtain/ understand resources and see myself moving onwards during the transitioning phase.
I strangely look at things from another perspective, A Woman.
A woman whom have an illness and a past which I had Recovered from.
Just only realising that I am just a woman living life simply and viewing the world as a woman and identity the rights from a woman's perspective.
Yes, I made the decision to live in stealth not because of trying to hide my ->-bleeped-<- but rather it is whom I am a woman. Ok, confused? Well putting it simply, its normality as a female born to be.
Seriously isn't that what I am? All along. Ask me if I am a transgender, I will say I am a female. The term gender identity disorder or whatever is a medical term akin to cancer and that I would say that I have recovered from.
Apologies if it sounds confusing but its my personal thoughts and I am trying to pen it as clear as I am writing this.
Honestly sometimes I think do we have to label ourselves as Transgender?
Well I cant change the world and how it thinks, but I can only realise whom and what I am.
