HRT thread with a difference

[Sylvia]

Hope it's ok to do this, but I'd like to have a HRT progress type thread of my own, but it's not me, it's my partner who is transitioning. Thought it may be interesting for other SOs to see how things pan out, how it affects me and our relationship etc, and also maybe for those you who are going through it to see it through the eyes of the SO.
Brief history (I've posted several times on Susans already). Last September after pussyfooting around for several months the transgender question came to the fore. At the time I truly believed that any hormone therapy would be the line I couldn't cross in terms of our relationship and it would be the end.
He (and he uses male pronouns, so please respect that until such a time that may change) starts on low dose Estrogen patches tomorrow. And I'm still here.
My emotions are all over the place. Before anyone starts telling me what a wonderful partner I am to be so supportive - I'm not. I don't want him to do this, I never wanted him to do this, I don't even know if it's the right thing, but if it's what he really believes he needs, I cannot stand in his way.
So far, he presents male or androgynous (mostly female jeans etc, female underwear at all times), has long hair (no big deal, he's had long hair ever since I've known him), shaves his body all over (I never liked hairy men either, no big deal), has 2 earrings, plucks his eyebrows and wears a little subtle make up sometimes.
We have teenage kids, who don't know. He doesn't want to come out publicly or go full time. I think his dysphoria is body, not social and not genital (he likes his penis and enjoys using it), he doesn't want any surgery. He loves breasts more than anything.
The reason for the HRT is primarily for him to find an inner peace. It may work, it may not, but we are giving it a go.
As I've mentioned in other threads, we enjoy a good sex life, and that is one of my main worries. I am willing to adapt things, and we already have been having slightly different sex.
Wish me luck. And PLEASE don't tell me to enjoy the ride. It's not my ride.
Syl

[Megan.]

Thank you for doing this, interesting to see another viewpoint [emoji5].

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I've followed your posting since you first came here. I have much respect and love for the partners who come here looking for information, trying to make it work. Good luck with him.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Saha]

Communication about everything, but especially emotions is key.  And I would recommend a LGBTQ friendly therapist

[Sylvia]

Day 1. He hasn't grown a pair of 40DDs or turned into Dame Edna yet 

He was very considerate this morning. I thought he'd be up at the crack of dawn and attach the patch of doom first thing, but he didn't. He wanted to wait to make sure I knew when he was doing it. So it got put on late morning. A tiny little thing, not much bigger than a band aid. How can something so innocuous have such power?

I've been very wobbly. Crying a lot, but we have hugged a few times. He's being quite clingy, I'm being a bit reticent. It's psychological of course. I think maybe somewhere deep inside I thought he might change his mind at the last minute, but of course I knew he wouldn't. I feel like it's the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it, how I wanted it to be. Still want it to be. I can't believe it's actually happening, rather than just being something we discussed 'for the future'. This is it

I also feel guilty, because I know he wants to be happy that he has started now, but the way I'm feeling is upsetting him. Raining on his parade somewhat. I'm trying to be cheerful around him, but I'm not fooling him.

Last night we both cried a lot, tried to make love, but we were both too tired in the end (and over the hill for too much of that sort of thing!) so just went to sleep in each other's arms. I say sleep, I didn't sleep very much. Didn't want today to come.

The only 'symptom' he's had so far is errrrr....flatulence! Ha ha. Probably more to do with  the vegetarian dinner we had last night. Other than that he feels nothing, no feeling of calmness, no happiness, no euphoria....just normal.

That's all for now.

Syl

[sarah1972]

I just stumbled over this. Thank you so much for writing up your side of things. This will help me tremendously understanding what is going on in my SO (we have a few communications problems). I am glad to see you are communicating.

Hugs...

[Theirsforever01]

I love the fact that you are posting this! I am super interested in how it progresses for you so that maybe I might have an idea for what's to come for me. PLEASE keep this up, I have a feeling it's going to be a popular thread...

[Cora]

Thank you so much for this Slyph! And that's so true, this isn't your ride!

[Sylvia]

One week in. Not a lot to report. After 2 or 3 days of feeling relatively happy (more relieved to be doing something, no great calmness or anything) he's had a few days of being utterly miserable, grumpy, silent and not nice to be around at all. In fact, how he was at times a few years ago before the trans issue became apparent, when he didn't talk about it, or talk about anything. In fact he's being very like his old 'male' self, the man in cave thing. Admittedly, we've had a few things going on, house sale fell through, death of a cat, another cat ill, puncture on his car, root filling....
I know it's only been a week, but so far, it's not good. I was expecting mood swings, but I thought there'd be more emotion, more openness and more talking. Hopefully things will get better.
Physically, nothing really. Slight tingling in the boobs - no real growth, but as he already pumps the boobs, they are growing a bit anyway.
I compared photos of his face from a week ago, and I definitely think there has been some softening, but he claims it's just different light on the two photos.
He says he doesn't feel any difference in anything.
Sex? Had sex a couple of days in, including PIV, but since then he has rebuffed all my advances. Not wanting cuddles either
Hoping things get better soon.

[Sylvia]

Update. The miserable stage is over. He didn't understand why that happened. He said he felt very 'out of sorts'. He's better now, but still no feeling of great joy, peace or calm. No emotional changes at all. Still gets annoyed when things go wrong. Physically, the boobs hurt and he thinks his skin feels softer and more transluscent. But he's very pale and thin skinned anyway. The sort of person who gets sunburnt in January in a bit of hazy sunshine (factor 50 often used).

We are still having sex, with PIV, which he is still able to do, and more importantly, wants to do.

Me? Up and down as ever. A few days ago I couldn't stop crying, I didn't want this so so much. I was angry. I wanted to guilt him into stopping. I know that doesn't work, that it's wrong of me, but my illogical emotions took over a bit too much. I still sometimes think that he can't love me if he is doing this to me. How can he do something so utterly selfish when he knows how much it hurts me?

But the last couple of days I've probably been as accepting and calm as I've ever been. And I told him so. Thought we have a chance, that we will make it, wherever this road takes us. The fact that I am still here, still love him and more importantly, aren't repulsed by his body must count for something.
Still no idea how much further we'll go. He definitely won't 'go back'. He really hates male clothes. Bought a male jacket yesterday for a wedding. Not VERY male, but he says it made him feel a bit sad, even though he likes it. It made me feel really happy. It's the first male item of clothing he's bought for about 3 years. I also bought him a nail polish
On we go.

[Theirsforever01]

Update. The miserable stage is over. He didn't understand why that happened. He said he felt very 'out of sorts'. He's better now, but still no feeling of great joy, peace or calm. No emotional changes at all. Still gets annoyed when things go wrong. Physically, the boobs hurt and he thinks his skin feels softer and more transluscent. But he's very pale and thin skinned anyway. The sort of person who gets sunburnt in January in a bit of hazy sunshine (factor 50 often used).

We are still having sex, with PIV, which he is still able to do, and more importantly, wants to do.

Me? Up and down as ever. A few days ago I couldn't stop crying, I didn't want this so so much. I was angry. I wanted to guilt him into stopping. I know that doesn't work, that it's wrong of me, but my illogical emotions took over a bit too much. I still sometimes think that he can't love me if he is doing this to me. How can he do something so utterly selfish when he knows how much it hurts me?

But the last couple of days I've probably been as accepting and calm as I've ever been. And I told him so. Thought we have a chance, that we will make it, wherever this road takes us. The fact that I am still here, still love him and more importantly, aren't repulsed by his body must count for something.
Still no idea how much further we'll go. He definitely won't 'go back'. He really hates male clothes. Bought a male jacket yesterday for a wedding. Not VERY male, but he says it made him feel a bit sad, even though he likes it. It made me feel really happy. It's the first male item of clothing he's bought for about 3 years. I also bought him a nail polish
On we go.

I'm glad the moodiness went away and the sex is getting better. I'm nervous for you for when it goes away for, what I understand, is the inevitable 0 interest in sex.... I read your posts to my husband and she wants me to remind you that as difficult as this is for you, it's not all sunshine and rainbows for your husband either. That nobody likes being grumpy and knowing that they are upsetting someone that means so much to them.  We both wish you ladies the best of luck, and are looking forward to more posts about his progress

[Sylvia]

I'm glad the moodiness went away and the sex is getting better. I'm nervous for you for when it goes away for, what I understand, is the inevitable 0 interest in sex.... I read your posts to my husband and she wants me to remind you that as difficult as this is for you, it's not all sunshine and rainbows for your husband either. That nobody likes being grumpy and knowing that they are upsetting someone that means so much to them.  We both wish you ladies the best of luck, and are looking forward to more posts about his progress

Is it totally inevitable? From reading on here, I seem to get that the involuntary erections go away (morning wood etc) and at his age he doesn't get them often, and also in a great many cases the transitioning partner had very little interest in sex, or a poor sex life anyway. Does the actual desire really go (even for lesbian sex)? If so that is hugely worrying. While I'm not exactly a raving nympho (at the age of 59 who is?) it's the sex and closeness at the moment that is the binder for us. We are closer than we have been for years. I couldn't bear to lose that.
And of course I know it's not easy for him. He hates it when I'm sad, but as we both insist on honesty and openness, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy when I am not. I know of a lot of spouses (from another forum) who although they tell their partners they are ok and supporting, they secretly are finding things very hard.
I think at the moment, his main worry is that he really doesn't feel any different, not happier at all, apart from a few very minor physical things. But then it's been less than 3 weeks.

[Devlyn]

I'm 56, on HRT, had my testicles removed, and I'm still capable of penetrative sex. It's not an inevitable loss.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Sylvia]

I'm 56, on HRT, had my testicles removed, and I'm still capable of penetrative sex. It's not an inevitable loss.

Hugs, Devlyn

Music to my ears, Devlyn!

[Theirsforever01]

Is it totally inevitable? From reading on here, I seem to get that the involuntary erections go away (morning wood etc) and at his age he doesn't get them often, and also in a great many cases the transitioning partner had very little interest in sex, or a poor sex life anyway. Does the actual desire really go (even for lesbian sex)? If so that is hugely worrying. While I'm not exactly a raving nympho (at the age of 59 who is?) it's the sex and closeness at the moment that is the binder for us. We are closer than we have been for years. I couldn't bear to lose that.
And of course I know it's not easy for him. He hates it when I'm sad, but as we both insist on honesty and openness, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy when I am not. I know of a lot of spouses (from another forum) who although they tell their partners they are ok and supporting, they secretly are finding things very hard.
I think at the moment, his main worry is that he really doesn't feel any different, not happier at all, apart from a few very minor physical things. But then it's been less than 3 weeks.

It's a phase that most women on hrt have said they had. It is always temporary but everyone I've talked to has said it happened. My husband and myself are only in our mid twenties so I guess we'll find out because right now sex is amazing and the two of us will continue having attraction as I am bisexual and bigender. But anyway, that phase is my biggest worry about hrt because I am a bit of a nympho. My husband should be starting hrt soon so maybe we will be able to compare notes. Can't wait for your next post!!

[Theirsforever01]

I'm 56, on HRT, had my testicles removed, and I'm still capable of penetrative sex. It's not an inevitable loss.

Hugs, Devlyn

I didn't mean it was a permanent lack of interest, did you have a phase of it when you started hrt?

[Devlyn]

I didn't mean it was a permanent lack of interest, did you have a phase of it when you started hrt?

Yes, in hindsight it seemed to be as I crossed through a sort of limbo in between male and female hormone levels. Once out the other side into female ranges, libido and function increased. Not to my former glory, mind you, but in my defense, I am 56. 

[Sylvia]

Week 3. He has breasts. Small ones, but definitely there. Not sure if I mentioned before, he also pumps them, so how much of the growth is from the E I really don't know. The areola(sp?) area around the nipples has increased. He loves them, and it getting a LOT of arousal from them. I'm sure I've mentioned before that he is obsessed with breasts (and always has been). As he was previously very flat chested (not even moobs) the breasts are getting noticeable and the nipples are constantly erect. Not sure how much longer he can keep hidden.
Skin, especially around the torso is noticeably softer. No facial changes yet.
Feelings wise, still no real change. He doesn't seem any more or any less emotional than usual. No new empathy. No mood swings. Just the same as ever.
Sex life is still happening, still with good erections. No reduction in any seminal fluids from what we can tell. He is clear he really doesn't want to lose his male genitals. No testicular shrinkage yet either, I don't think.
I'm still up and down. In the bedroom, we are having an amazing time, and I even find the breasts a turn on, something I never thought would happen.
However, out of the bedroom, I am not getting the same feeling. I think I have some sort of social transphobia, somewhere deep inside. Is that possible? To be ok sexually but not socially? I thought it would be the other way round. It still upsets me to see his female underwear when he bends over. Hate the leggings he wears all the time with the 'tucking' padded panties. It just makes me feel very uncomfortable. I really don't know why and I wish I could get over it. Any advice? I don't want to feel this way.
More updates next week.

[BrianaJ]

Hi Sylvia,

Thank you very much for sharing with everyone.  I personally don't think what you're feeling is uncommon or odd or wrong as a spouse/significant other.  When my spouse saw me the first time fully made up, dressed, and presenting as the real me, once the "shock" of it passed, I could sense and see that it made her uncomfortable.  It really took some time for her.  Even though she knew and accepted from the start of our relationship, it's quite something else when it's full on in your face vs. occasionally or   only during bedroom time. 

[Sylvia]

It's a phase that most women on hrt have said they had. It is always temporary but everyone I've talked to has said it happened. My husband and myself are only in our mid twenties so I guess we'll find out because right now sex is amazing and the two of us will continue having attraction as I am bisexual and bigender. But anyway, that phase is my biggest worry about hrt because I am a bit of a nympho. My husband should be starting hrt soon so maybe we will be able to compare notes. Can't wait for your next post!!

Theirsforever, re the sex thing, I have to add that my partner is on E only - no anti-androgens. I think that makes a bit of a difference. At least I hope so. He has also been taking Maca (a herbal supplement) which I believe is a bit of an aphrodisiac.
Good luck, will be interested to see how you get on. Feel free to PM me.
Syl.