My hatred for my church

[hardlife]

Hi everyone its been a long time since I visited the forum and posts

anyway back to the topic I want to discuss

While I was buying women underwear online and ask to pay for them on my mom debit card ( I pay her back with cash I had) she gave her church views on what she thinks that I was doing.

She told me that there was a adam and eve not a adam and steve. Then she went on to tell me that people like me go to hell. Afterward, she told me that it was my decision on what I do with my life and how I live it.

I accept that she has her own view and I have my own view of what is acceptable behavior for a Christian. But it bothers me a lot to know what her views are about people being transsexual, gay, or anything different from the "normal heterosexual cisgender Christian."

Now for my beliefs on what is a Christian. I think there is nothing wrong with being anything different from a  "normal heterosexual cisgender Christian." If I ever die and go to heaven I would do anything in my power to convince God to make everyone including my mom live a second life and see how hard it is to be a transsexual. To go even further with the punishment and suffering I would ask god to make it so that everyone who is made a transsexual do not transition into their desire gender. Instead they stay the way there are like most older transsexual I know and die a very painful life full of dysphoria. I would also asks god to make it so that they do not commit suicide but instead live out the rest of their lives in the wrong body.

I have so much hate for cisgender people who do not like transsexual that I would ask god to never let them near my sight in heaven. I want nothing to do with people that hate or use to hate transsexual in the afterlife. Even if god change their mind about transsexual I want nothing to do with those scum of life. I would rather live in a heaven where a section is set for those who live as transsexual and live happy for the rest of my life.

For a long time (six months or more) I been going to the new church with my mom (I decided that I wanted to go with her). they all speak Spanish by the way am Puerto Rican. I wanted a relationship with god and not the people of the church. I have no desire to look or speak to any of them. My main purpose was to serve god and not them. I hate every one of those people. Most of them do not know the strong animosity, bitterness, and hatred that I have towards them. Especially the little girls and women that goes to the church. I don't even remember way I decided to go to that church in the first place.

It doesn't matter anymore now because as of today I am definitely never going back to that church ever again. After I die I want nothing to do with any of them including my family.

[Northern Star Girl]

@hardlife 
Hello hardlife,
It is great to see that you took the step to become a member of Susan's Place about 4 years ago and that you have shared your postings with us quite a while ago...  so it is nice to see your recent post and perhaps your continued involvement in the Susans Place Forums.

***IMPORTANT NOTE FROM ME:  I noticed in your posting today that you expressed somewhat angry feelings about other people's views regarding the transgender community at large.  Please allow me some time to digest what you stated in your post so that I can reply with a half-way intelligent posting.   
Until then, may I offer one thought that I have....   In my opinion it is best to not return anger with anger.  Conversations never go well that way and neither party will be convinced of anything being stated.  No matter how wrong we feel about other's views, it is their views and they don't have to be agreed with but they do need to be respected.  Cordial and respectful conversation is the key to getting along in this world.

***Enough of that for now... I will write more later.
   
You may have other questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with what you may be going through.

Please allow me to officially WELCOME you to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace. 

Below, I posted Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@hardlife
Oh, by the way Hardlife.. so that the other members here on the Forums will know that you have become a member of Susan's Place please go to the Introductions Forum to introduce yourself and to briefly tell the other members about yourself!   You will then have a better chance of getting the answers that you are looking for regarding your specific interests and you will be able to share with others as they share their experiences with you once they know that you have arrived even though you became a member 4 years ago!!!

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle

[hardlife]

Thank you for the welcome Alaskan Danielle.

I guess the anger comes from me just having a bad day with living with cisgender people all my life.

[Deborah]

I'm not angry with Christians anymore.  I just think the whole thing is ridiculous.   It took quite a while to get over the anger though.   It's the same process as the five stages of grief. 

The anger is intense now but it will pass.


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[Tatiana 79]

Welcome back hardlife
First off I'd like to say that your mother's views in her eyes are perfectly valid Everyone's entitled to their own interpretation and I'm very sorry  you both can't find middle ground. But from all the passion that's coming out of you right now and her I don't think it's possible now but hope always exist for the future

I went to a Catholic school for 12 years and had a strict Catholic upbringing and I was taught that Christianity ment christ-like.
And from everything I got taught in every Mass I attended I learned that Jesus would accept everyone unconditionally.
With all the feelings you explained I can understand why you never want to go to that church again but churches generally contain much more love then hate.
But I really do understand where you're coming from there is proven science that can explain all of us but unfortunately that day is not today.
History is full of many things that were not understood then and discriminated against such as leprosy for instance it's not a curse from God it's merely a disease kind of like we have.

I hope in the future you can lose some of that hate because
it's really a bad thing to carry around and very unhealthy but saying that I really do not judge your actions whatsoever if you want to do them you're perfectly free to.

All the best to your future take care Tatiana

[SaraDanielle]

The Christian church has not been very welcoming to transgendered people.  Some of that is changing, and it is possible to find supportive churches.  But some churches will never change.  The church on earth is human, and given to error and sin. 

But I hope you don't allow that to color your relationship with God and his love. Hate is a strong emotion.  It's not one Jesus showed even when he was persecuted. 

I once heard a pastor say anger or bitterness is like drinking poison yourself to hurt someone else.  It doesn't work, and only makes your life worse.    I hope you can eventually find some peace with your family and churchgoers for your own sake.   

Maybe reading and sharing in other's experiences on this site will help? 

[hardlife]

I can accept my mom views on what she thinks about a transsexual, but my feelings for what I think about her views will never change. I will always be angry, even if one day she does change her mind.

I have plans of making a new family. A family that does not oppress transsexuals. I want to have a significant other that share the same views as I do. I want to have kids through surrogacy. I know surrogacy is expensive, but with my bachelors degree in the future I know I can make it happen. it is one of my dreams and goal in life.

If any of my old family (mom, brothers, sisters, cousins, anyone else) want to visit my new family they cannot express their church views on my new family. Else I will take action and they will never see their granddaughters, grandsons, nephews, nieces, or anyone in my new family.

[hardlife]

The only time I feel angry is when she express her views to me. That is why I plan on moving out. Am 25 now which is good. plus I have a steady flow of income. I never argue with my mom or anyonw in church, I just feel intense anger. That is why I am never going back. and also why am looking for a apartment for myself.

The picture you guys are seeing for my avatar is how I look like now (when I use to be 19) I want to get hormone replacement therapy, facial femininzation surgery, facial hair removal, etcc...

If it was not for my mom or her views on what is a good Christian I probably would have not look as hideous as I am in my avatar picture. But I guess that's life.

I just have to keep working until I get the female picture of myself

Thanks for all of your replies.

[Tatiana 79]

Hey Hardlife I think your anger is very warranted with your fellow churchgoers and your mom
If everyone thinks you're such a bad sinner why don't they realize that church is a place you go for that.
I myself have never went to my church trans yet so I really don't have any experience and do admire your courage walking in to the wolves den as your hatred for them warrants. Society is very slow to change but someday we will be accepted.
  love Tatiana

[stephaniec]

I  rely on the words of the New Testament

[Gertrude]

There is hope:


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[Arianna Valentine]

Hi everyone its been a long time since I visited the forum and posts

anyway back to the topic I want to discuss

While I was buying women underwear online and ask to pay for them on my mom debit card ( I pay her back with cash I had) she gave her church views on what she thinks that I was doing.

She told me that there was a adam and eve not a adam and steve. Then she went on to tell me that people like me go to hell. Afterward, she told me that it was my decision on what I do with my life and how I live it.

I accept that she has her own view and I have my own view of what is acceptable behavior for a Christian. But it bothers me a lot to know what her views are about people being transsexual, gay, or anything different from the "normal heterosexual cisgender Christian."

Now for my beliefs on what is a Christian. I think there is nothing wrong with being anything different from a  "normal heterosexual cisgender Christian." If I ever die and go to heaven I would do anything in my power to convince God to make everyone including my mom live a second life and see how hard it is to be a transsexual. To go even further with the punishment and suffering I would ask god to make it so that everyone who is made a transsexual do not transition into their desire gender. Instead they stay the way there are like most older transsexual I know and die a very painful life full of dysphoria. I would also asks god to make it so that they do not commit suicide but instead live out the rest of their lives in the wrong body.

I have so much hate for cisgender people who do not like transsexual that I would ask god to never let them near my sight in heaven. I want nothing to do with people that hate or use to hate transsexual in the afterlife. Even if god change their mind about transsexual I want nothing to do with those scum of life. I would rather live in a heaven where a section is set for those who live as transsexual and live happy for the rest of my life.

For a long time (six months or more) I been going to the new church with my mom (I decided that I wanted to go with her). they all speak Spanish by the way am Puerto Rican. I wanted a relationship with god and not the people of the church. I have no desire to look or speak to any of them. My main purpose was to serve god and not them. I hate every one of those people. Most of them do not know the strong animosity, bitterness, and hatred that I have towards them. Especially the little girls and women that goes to the church. I don't even remember way I decided to go to that church in the first place.

It doesn't matter anymore now because as of today I am definitely never going back to that church ever again. After I die I want nothing to do with any of them including my family.

You know my half brothers half bro gave me the same grief and I just told him simply 1 the bible says God loves all his children not just the straights 2 when I do die and I appear before whoever and they ask me about my life I will simply say "you know what after I came out as transgender and started to live MY LIFE I was truly happy."  I won't say you can't change someone's mind because you can but it takes the willingness of the person to be willing to understand and patience on your part to allow them time to as well.  But I agree if the church won't treat you right then they are not a good church to begin with because the bible also says not to judge.

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[Janes Groove]

I have feelings of anger and resentment as well.  Early on in my transition they were very strong. Then one day I finally got it. Every second of holding on to all that anger and resentment was a second that my mind was diverted from the wonderful thing that is FINALLY happening to me. Living my life as a woman.  Bliss.

By concentrating on all the good things that transition brings to my life I am finally able to rid my soul of all those toxins.

[Tatiana 79]

Words well spoken Amen to that

[Lady Sarah]

Hello, Hardlfe. I understand the anger. It has to be primarily when the resentment towards you fails to settle down. 

There are some that I still harbor resentment towards due to words and or actions, even from before I started my transition. Religious views are often just an excuse people use when they choose ignorance. It is not the ONLY excuse people will use. It just seems to be a very pervasive excuse. Even when you get away from your family and start a new life, you will still find people with those views. How you handle them will either distinguish you, or tear you apart. Ignoring the topic can be a peaceful path. Confronting them, or allowing them to anger you is not going to help you any.

[Devlyn]

Hate will kill you from the inside. Walk away, but don't hate.

Hugs, Devlyn

[AnneK]

I just think the whole thing is ridiculous.

+1

[vickijonesuk]

I think it's ironic that religions that preach love outpour so much hatred sometimes, that's why I have no time for any of them. I'd just let it wash over you.

If that means I won't make it to heaven then fine. None of my friends will be there anyway

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Hardlife

I know how painful it is when on top of the other problems we have as a transgender person, that we receive disapproval and judgment from our mother and a sharp "anti" trans reaction from parishioners or priests at our church. Both are important to me.

Sadly my mum passed away in 2015 and she never accepted the way I am but I forgave her as she was born in the 1920s and simply didn't understand. We has a good relationship apart from that major difference. Things are gradually inproving in terms of parents' views but even now there is regularly a problem with a parent not understanding why their son (in their eyes) wishes to become their daughter and they see this as a loss to them. Sometimes parents change over time and sometime they cannot ever change.

I attend Mass at my local Church on a Sunday in male mode as I wish to see some HRT physical benefits before going public. Although the transgender subject is not often openly discussed, when it is there is definitely a dislike and disapproval and again an "anti" reaction from parishioners and the Church Hierarchy of the Catholic Church are certainly opposed to Transgender matters.

I hope your Mum comes round; my advice is just give her time.

As regards Church, clearly you wish to maintain your relationship with God in public if possible and I suggest you look round for a more trans-friendly church.

I wish you the best of luck for both.


Pamela