Hi Everyone,
Had a recommendation to post an introduction.
I am AMAB and have been questioning my gender identity off and on for the past 20 or more years. I am a late bloomer though, so I've always put it down to never being sure, and wanting to explore other avenues first.
I would love to give more specifics, but I am not out and I don't want to be discovered yet.
Im going to speak to my GP and get everything checked over and get some therapy to help find me and bring me out. My mind unfortunately does like to ruminate over topics like this on a cyclical basis. So Im left completely in limbo and never knowing if what Im feeling is genuine.
However at the moment, I like wearing womens clothes, I love makeup, I like to be in the company of women and prefer it to being in the company of men. I hate when in social circles, there are gender divides. Why do the women keep themselves secret? But there's the old adage of men and women can never be "just" friends. Why not? I was on a holiday with some friends a few years back, and I felt so alone. I didn't fit in with the men, and the women didn't want me around. At one point one of the women even told me the women need some time to themselves, go off and be a boy. I felt so hurt.
I show pictures to people of when I dressed up previously, and as they recoil in horror and call me stupid, I laugh it off as if its a game. Then I go to bed at night wishing I had womanly bits.
The next day I wake up thinking, that's silly. Why should I feel like that? I say to myself. "Im a man. Suck it up and be happy with who you are". And that's the lie, isn't it. People unhappy with themselves because people try to categorise them, try to direct them down a certain path. But deep down, why should any of us "suck it up"? We shouldn't be WHAT we are. We should be WHO we are.
I would love to share some pictures of myself in makeup. It's amazing to see how much my eyes sparkle. It's like a different person. Unfortunately until my issues are sorted, I cannot share anything.
I get a good feel from this community. It feels caring and communicative without an iron fist.
Thank you for allowing me to join.
Lucy
MtF Explorer
