Am I crazy for wanting top surgery?

[blackcat]

"Trans-friendly" medical professionals are starting to make me feel that way.

"What are your goals for transition?"

I want to start T, and get top surgery and a hysterectomy.

Scheduling top surgery is extremely important to me for a bunch of reasons, relating to my physical and mental health. My dysphoria is awful, and my job already puts me at an increased risk of lung/chest issues, so binding for a long, unspecified, indefinite amount of time is not something I want to do.

And then after I'm done explaining everything, I get stared at like I am from Mars, and someone says, "I can't understand why you want top surgery."

This makes me feel like I'm nuts for feeling the way I do. Isn't that the point of FtM transition?? To have your body match what's in your mind? Aren't concerns for my physical and mental health enough?

This last person I saw today also kind of subtly implied that if I'm not heterosexual when I transition, I must be confused. I also had to explain that sexual orientation and gender identity are separate things. I explained this to the doctor. At. the. gender. clinic.

It's so exhausting.

[Ryuichi13]

"Trans-friendly" medical professionals are starting to make me feel that way.

"What are your goals for transition?"

I want to start T, and get top surgery and a hysterectomy.

Scheduling top surgery is extremely important to me for a few reasons:

*I have ONE MONTH (March) out of the year I can take time off from work that won't deal me a massive financial blow and likely cripple my income for the months to follow.

*I developed a respiratory chemical sensitivity to something I use at work, and if I am not diligent about my protection, I get terrible chronic symptoms quickly. Wearing a binder every day, and all of the pulmonary risks that implies, is not a power move. Especially signing up for a situation (taking T but having no surgery date scheduled) with no end in sight. Wearing a binder is not something I can do indefinitely and not something I'm willing to risk--it could cost me my job forever if my allergic symptoms get worse, and I would have to quit the field. Yes, this happens frequently to people who don't bother with protection in my field. So, sorry, I'm not going to bind indefinitely.

*Both having breasts AND wearing a binder trigger my dysphoria. Badly. And the thought of growing hair on my tits seriously makes me want to kill myself. The only thing worse than a female chest is a female one with male hairiness and the horror at the thought is literally something I can't deal with.

*Medical procedures in general stress me out, as in, needles make me faint and I beg my dentist for valium. I'd like to get this over with.

And then whoever I'm talking to *just blinks,* and after I explain everything, they're like, "I can't understand why you want top surgery."

AM I NUTS? Is there something I'm not explaining?

This is the third time it's happened to me, so I'm wondering if there's something I'm not explaining! Or concerns for my physical and mental health aren't enough?

Isn't that the point of FtM transition?? To have your body match what's in your mind?

This last person I saw today also kind of subtly implied that if I'm not heterosexual when I transition, I must be confused. I also had to explain that sexual orientation and gender identity are separate things. I explained this to the doctor. At. the. gender. clinic.

Oh my god, I am so exhausted. 

I'll give you my 2 cents in the same order you commented, I hope that's okay.

There is NO REASON you need to do "everything on the FTM list" IF you don't want to.  Some men only take T, some only get top surgery, some only get bottom surgery, some change their legal name, and some simply prefer to dress and act male, or do some combination thereof.

If you want top surgery, then there probably is nothing holding you back.  Go get your letters, or whatever you need, start your research and GO FOR IT!  You do whatever you feel you need in order to be happy.  Its no one's business WHY you do it, except maybe your therapist, who will need to make sure your mentally ready for the most part.  Have you found a gender therapist yet?  If not, you might need one to write whatever letters the surgeon needs, especially if you're in the US.

If you don't want to bind, then don't.  I understand dysphoria, and I also understand needing to do something in order to be able to work.  So get that surgery whenever you can, but nows probably the time to start working towards it.

It sucks that medical procedures stress you out, I think they tend to do that to most of us.  You're not alone.  Just concentrate on what things will be like after the procedures, and plan for recovery.  There are plenty of threads here on SP that can give you after surgery advice, I'd recommend reading them and taking notes. 

If the person you spoke to at the gender clinic "doesn't get it," then maybe you need to either find someone there that does get it, or go to another place for your care.  If that's not do-able, then simply ignore the questions.  Its really none of their business, unless they are needed to give you surgery letters, meds or something along those lines.  Maybe they're new, and if so, then I'm sure they can google "gender dysphoria" or "transgender" on their free time to find things out on their own.

And no, you're not nuts.  They're just clueless.

It sounds like there are some ignorant (meaning uneducated) people working at your clinic.  SMDH

Good luck bro!

Ryuichi

[Kylo]

No, they're crazy for assuming you don't want it. The majority of FTM inpatients at gender clinics ask for it or at least aspire to it.

[meatwagon]

yeah they're the crazy ones, not you.. I can't wrap my head around how someone wouldn't understand an ftm wanting top surgery, especially with health risks of binding in mind, and double for someone who's supposed to be working with transgender patients.. yikes tbh if you can find someone else who isn't baffled by one of the most common things to be expected for an ftm patient, do so.  I'd be uncomfortable putting my health into the hands of someone who is either that clueless about transition or has some kind of ulterior motive trying to invalidate you and your decisions.. maybe that's my paranoia talking but either way, I wouldn't trust them with trans related health care.

[blackcat]

Thanks, everyone.

The whole experience was so alarming because this happened at The Best Gender Clinic Ever.

The good news is, I have an awesome therapist. She will write me the letters I need to get surgery, so I'm not stuck behind a gatekeeper that doesn't get it.

I went to this clinic because it's affordable to get T and bloodwork there, and they also have resources for insurance (help me, I am lost). My next appointments are with different people so hopefully they will be better.

It flipped me out twice as hard, because the first therapist I initially saw, who claimed to specialize in trans stuff, reacted the same way. I said one of my important transition goals is top surgery, and they looked at me like I grew a third arm out of the top of my head.

And seriously, all this garbage is another reason I want to be finished transitioning ASAP.

OH GOODNESS. I'm feeling a little less nuts now, thank you. 

[Ryuichi13]

Thanks, everyone.

The whole experience was so alarming because this happened at The Best Gender Clinic Ever.

The good news is, I have an awesome therapist. She will write me the letters I need to get surgery, so I'm not stuck behind a gatekeeper that doesn't get it.

I went to this clinic because it's affordable to get T and bloodwork there, and they also have resources for insurance (help me, I am lost). My next appointments are with different people so hopefully they will be better.

It flipped me out twice as hard, because the first therapist I initially saw, who claimed to specialize in trans stuff, reacted the same way. I said one of my important transition goals is top surgery, and they looked at me like I grew a third arm out of the top of my head.

And seriously, all this garbage is another reason I want to be finished transitioning ASAP.

OH GOODNESS. I'm feeling a little less nuts now, thank you. 

TBH, I find the entire process of transitioning pretty fascinating.  I did catalog myself for a while with lots pictures and a few videos, but maybe its me, but I'm not having too much trouble with the changes T is giving me.  Sure, some of the changes are weird, like my voice deepening and waking up every day to the 'What Voice Will I have Today?" game, but all in all, I can't imagine myself remaining as I was pre-T. 

Of course, I also had trouble with the insurance company, with finding a endo, and changing my name over since I live in a different state than my birth state, but I am much happier heading towards becoming my true self. 

Keep going, and don't let the jerks, nosy people and haters get to you!  No matter how bad things get, just keep thinking "In a year, this (particular trouble) will all be a memory!"  Its what's been keeping me going.

Now, for the search for a top surgeon that will let me keep my nipples and nerves attached despite my D-sized chest AND who takes Medicare. 

Ryuichi

[blackcat]

"In a year, this (particular trouble) will all be a memory!"

These are some words to live by.

[invisiblemonsters]

i feel like a lot of people who work at gender clinics are good at gate keeping and making you question what you want. that, or they try to tell you that you aren't "trans enough" for what ever reason. maybe they do it to test you to see if you are ready for that commitment, i don't know, but it's ridiculous. you are definitely not crazy for wanting top surgery. i can see how someone who maybe isn't as knowledgeable with trans related things could think that, but if they are a therapist or what ever at a gender clinic, they shouldn't be so dismissive and act as if you're "crazy" for wanting that. don't let the way people act, etc. keep you from transitioning the way you want to transition. half the stuff you want and feel are completely normal and just because someone doesn't "get that" doesn't mean it's wrong or you're "crazy" you know?