Positive Mindset... put away negativity

[steph2.0]

negativity could be considered an obstacle.   humans need obstacles in our life to overcome or we'll just stagnate.

Hi Tatiana,

I still have many problems with negativity, due I would guess to 50 years of low self-esteem likely exacerbated by living the wrong role. So it can be very hard for me to overcome failures when I encounter them. But I don't necessarily believe they're related.

I agree completely that failure is a necessary part of life, required on the path to success. I do think, however, that it's a mistake to equate negativity with failure. I do understand what you're saying about negativity being an obstacle, but I view it as more the way you handle failure, instead of a type of failure itself.

It's possible that the Wright brothers, Thomas Edison, or even Steve Jobs had bad days when one of their projects failed, but if they had let negativity rule they would have given up on everything and never moved on to their ultimate successes.

I certainly don't feel like I learned anything from the negativity I've experienced. I just felt bad. I've had bouts of depression filled with negative thoughts that weren't even connected with any kind of obvious failure. On the other hand, every failure I've experienced has led to revelations that help with new things.

Just my take on it. The tools I'm gathering here will hopefully help me next time I get down. Thank you, Danielle, for putting it together.

Stephanie

[Mikaela]

Hi Tatiana,

I still have many problems with negativity, due I would guess to 50 years of low self-esteem likely exacerbated by living the wrong role. So it can be very hard for me to overcome failures when I encounter them. But I don't necessarily believe they're related.

I agree completely that failure is a necessary part of life, required on the path to success. I do think, however, that it's a mistake to equate negativity with failure. I do understand what you're saying about negativity being an obstacle, but I view it as more the way you handle failure, instead of a type of failure itself.

It's possible that the Wright brothers, Thomas Edison, or even Steve Jobs had bad days when one of their projects failed, but if they had let negativity rule they would have given up on everything and never moved on to their ultimate successes.

I certainly don't feel like I learned anything from the negativity I've experienced. I just felt bad. I've had bouts of depression filled with negative thoughts that weren't even connected with any kind of obvious failure. On the other hand, every failure I've experienced has led to revelations that help with new things.

Just my take on it. The tools I'm gathering here will hopefully help me next time I get down. Thank you, Danielle, for putting it together.

Stephanie

I agree pretty much completely, with one caveat: dipping into a negative mindset and experiencing that, especially after working to create a positive life is a great reminder of why I don't want negativity in my life. Sometimes falling into the muck is the perfect reminder that being there really sucks.


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[Mikaela]

Hello everyone

Forgive me if this may seem the obvious point for this thread but I think it worthy of mention.

Negativity: There has always been a societal disapproval and anti-reaction to transgender matters whether to people like us or just to the subject matter for several different reasons. Essentially intolerance or ignorance.

Positivity:  Transgender matters are now more in the public domain. There is some scientific evidence to support us. Medical professionals are becoming more knowledgeable. We are rapidly growing as a population. Young cispeople and some not so young accept us. Young transpeople can transition while still young. This is gradual and we still have a long way to go. But we are beginning to see some tolerance and some understanding in society.

Times are changing! We are winning!

Hugs to all

Pamela

Thank you for this wonderful reminder that things are improving. You won't find this in the press, which focuses on the negative.


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[Susan Baum]

Thanks Jayne
Me and failure have  lifelong best friends as is shown here.
and what this taught me was I probably should have stayed away from this one.
but all I can do is try and I don't take any of your words as criticism but as caring enough to help me. Thank you
   Tatiana

Tatiana,
No, you should not have stayed away from this topic - it is where you need to be. We all care and want to help you through whatever despair, heartache or spiritual malaise you may feel. While I cannot physically hug you and hold your hand to show you my love, rest comfortably with the thought I would do so in a heartbeat were we together.

Only my best friends will tell me how badly I went wrong and I love them all the more for it. I dare say failure and I are also great friends. Each and every failure brings experience with it; there are no exceptions and we are always learning. If this didn't work, try that; and when that didn't work, try something else.

Truth be told, I did not learn a heck of a lot what I did right the first time. 

Susan

[Jayne01]

Thanks Jayne
Me and failure have  lifelong best friends as is shown here.
and what this taught me was I probably should have stayed away from this one.
but all I can do is try and I don't take any of your words as criticism but as caring enough to help me. Thank you
   Tatiana

Tatiana, I am sorry if what I said came across the wrong way. I certainly did not intend to criticise and I am glad you didn't take my words that way. I actually agreed with what you were saying except for associating negativity and failure as the same thing. Negativity will almost always bring about failure but failure does not need to create negativity.

and what this taught me was I probably should have stayed away from this one.

This statement would be an example of negativity. This is not a criticism, just an observation. If I may, I will rephrase your words into something more positive. For example, and what this taught me was that there are different ways of viewing the same thing and one way is not necessarily better than the other, just different.

I hope this has helped clear up any confusing I may have created.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Northern Star Girl]

Dear Readers:  Regarding the most recent commentary by the following readers: 
@Tatiana 79   
@pamelatransuk   
@Jayne01
@SadieBlake       
@Steph2.0     
@Mikaela   
@Susan Baum 
Thank you ladies for your instructive and helpful comments... and the lively give and take between yourselves.   
It truly blesses my heart to see that kind of sharing of constructive cordial dialog and respectful debate among the readers of this thread for all of us to read.
This is exactly what I had hoped for when I started this thread with my very first posting here.

Here are some of my "glass half full" and "optimistic" personal thoughts that I always say to myself when approaching uncertainty:
          "No risk, no reward"   and 
               "Nothing ventured, nothing gained"
I am always endeavoring to make good things and positive things happen and less concerned with failure and negativity.   
Failure is an opportunity to learn.  Negativity is giving up before trying again and possibly learning.
If we keep learning that is when success happens.
I will conclude my comment with my favorite quote that is specifically related to what we all were talking about.

    "A Pessimist sees Difficulty in every Opportunity,
        An Optimist see Opportunity in every Difficulty"
              -Winston Churchill

Thank you everyone for reading and for sharing your thoughts.
Hugs,
Danielle       

[Michelle_P]

Wonderful thread, Danielle!

I'm still in the process of moving myself from "Yes, but" over to "Yes, and..." as a way of processing the world around me.  Thank you @SadieBlake for the Spoon Theory reference.  One of my short term goals is related to this, in effect making sure I have that extra spoon in reserve every day.

[krobinson103]

What is life without hope? I think in taking a pessimistic view of the world you take that hope away. The statement above is so true, saying "yes, but..." as "I can see a women but..." or "I have seen significant progress but..." takes away from those achievements.

I think we need to celebrate the positives and then move onto the next challenge. By facing our fears one by one, and seeing they aren't that scary turns a weakness into a strength that will create the self confidence to face the larger fears.

I also think there is an unfortunate tendancy by many to see 'problems'. Why say "I have a problem" when you could say "I have an opportunity..." Some things may never change, but if you don't try then how do you know?  Life is too precious to worry about failing, because in failure we learn our greatest lessons, get up, and try again till we succeed.

[Northern Star Girl]

What is life without hope? I think in taking a pessimistic view of the world you take that hope away. The statement above is so true, saying "yes, but..." as "I can see a women but..." or "I have seen significant progress but..." takes away from those achievements.

I think we need to celebrate the positives and then move onto the next challenge. By facing our fears one by one, and seeing they aren't that scary turns a weakness into a strength that will create the self confidence to face the larger fears.

I also think there is an unfortunate tendancy by many to see 'problems'. Why say "I have a problem" when you could say "I have an opportunity..." Some things may never change, but if you don't try then how do you know?  Life is too precious to worry about failing, because in failure we learn our greatest lessons, get up, and try again till we succeed.

@krobinson103
EXACTLY correct thinking ...  and from following your thread and seeing your successes in your transition journey, it is your persistance, willpower, determination and learning from your failures and optimistically going forward is, in my opinion, the key to your HRT transition successes.
Please continue as you are in keeping your encouraging  thread  "A totally awesome day"  frequently updated.
Thank you for posting your thoughts.
Hugs,
Danielle

[steph2.0]

Please don't take this the wrong way. I think it's fantastic hearing from all of you who look at things with a sunny point of view. But I get the impression that you have always had that attitude, whether learned from family, teachers, or peers while growing up, or just having something inherent in your nature. Apparently I lack that gene, or life beat it out of me. Pessimism, skepticism, cynicism have ruled me, and they feel like impossible habits to break.

Please, please don't be offended, but to me what I'm hearing feels a little demeaning: "I have a positive outlook. Just be like me and you'll be happy." It's a little like saying, "Oh, you just need to be beautiful like me and you'll like what you see in the mirror." I yearn for both goals, but I don't know how to get there. It's why I'm here looking for concrete tools that will help me make a sea change in my thinking.

So for me it would be much more helpful to hear from people who used to live in a negative, or at most neutral world (pretty much where I am at the moment), but defeated it and moved to a positive outlook - and how they did it. Is there anyone here who's been able to do that?

Stephanie

[SadieBlake]

Steph, that's very much what I was getting at referencing the spoons neologism. I very much grew up with the kind of family that took things negatively and I'm the product of generations of abusive behavior.

Mostly, I don't care how you  got there, once you've experienced that stuff, the way back to healthy is often not simple. Also, PTSD does not go away, you just learn to manage it. It's truly a gift that keeps giving forever :-(

Please don't take this the wrong way. I think it's fantastic hearing from all of you who look at things with a sunny point of view. But I get the impression that you have always had that attitude, whether learned from family, teachers, or peers while growing up, or just having something inherent in your nature. Apparently I lack that gene, or life beat it out of me. Pessimism, skepticism, cynicism have ruled me, and they feel like impossible habits to break.

Please, please don't be offended, but to me what I'm hearing feels a little demeaning: "I have a positive outlook. Just be like me and you'll be happy." It's a little like saying, "Oh, you just need to be beautiful like me and you'll like what you see in the mirror." I yearn for both goals, but I don't know how to get there. It's why I'm here looking for concrete tools that will help me make a sea change in my thinking.

So for me it would be much more helpful to hear from people who used to live in a negative, or at most neutral world (pretty much where I am at the moment), but defeated it and moved to a positive outlook - and how they did it. Is there anyone here who's been able to do that?

Stephanie

[Northern Star Girl]

Please don't take this the wrong way. I think it's fantastic hearing from all of you who look at things with a sunny point of view. But I get the impression that you have always had that attitude, whether learned from family, teachers, or peers while growing up, or just having something inherent in your nature. Apparently I lack that gene, or life beat it out of me. Pessimism, skepticism, cynicism have ruled me, and they feel like impossible habits to break.

Please, please don't be offended, but to me what I'm hearing feels a little demeaning: "I have a positive outlook. Just be like me and you'll be happy." It's a little like saying, "Oh, you just need to be beautiful like me and you'll like what you see in the mirror." I yearn for both goals, but I don't know how to get there. It's why I'm here looking for concrete tools that will help me make a sea change in my thinking.

So for me it would be much more helpful to hear from people who used to live in a negative, or at most neutral world (pretty much where I am at the moment), but defeated it and moved to a positive outlook - and how they did it. Is there anyone here who's been able to do that?

Stephanie

@Steph2.0   
Dear Stephanie:   Some of what you stated is certainly and absolutely NOT what anyone is saying in this thread.  The nature of this thread is to encourage all the readers to (as the subject line says) "Positive Mindset... put away negativity."   I am so very sorry to read that you stated that you find that concept demeaning to you.
I sincerely hope that you continue to read the comments from others here to continue to see what the other members lives here are like.

I do indeed realize that this subject matter may not be for how others approach their life endeavors but there are many here that have testified that reading the thoughts that have been expressed here have been an encouragement and a incentive for them to make some changes in how they think about their approach in living their life.

***There is another new thread on the Forums that might also be worth it for you to look at... 
@Nicole70 started a new thread titled "R U OK" 
    https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238371.msg2145318.html#msg2145318

Once you go to that thread take a look at Nicole's very first post introducing her new thread and explaining what her concept for her new thread is all about.   Based on what you said, her thread may be to your liking.

So, in concluding my reply comment to you, please know that I value your opinion and respect what you stated. 
->  ->  ->@Steph2.0 Stephanie, you were my very first friend on the Forums and you were the very first member that I installed on my "Buddy List" ...  I am not offended and I truly appreciate you stating your point of view and I respect that... and I will continue to keep you on my "buddy list" 
I am looking forward to you continuing finding and reporting enjoyable successes in your transition Journey.   You have reported many already on your thread and in your reply comments on various other threads on the Forums.
You are always welcome to post your thoughts here.

Hugs, wishing you well,
Danielle

[Dena]

So for me it would be much more helpful to hear from people who used to live in a negative, or at most neutral world (pretty much where I am at the moment), but defeated it and moved to a positive outlook - and how they did it. Is there anyone here who's been able to do that?

I think for many of us who succeed, life is kind of like the ending of the movie Bruce Almighty. We look at the huge floor that needs cleaning and we know we are facing a mess. We also know that if we put the effort into it, we can put a dent into the problem and if things go right, we can clean up the mess. Kind of my attitude is I may not have all the answers but I know how to find the answers and I am going to do my best to prevent that problem from defeating me. Not really optimistic or pessimistic outlook but a realistic with determination.

[Mikaela]

Please don't take this the wrong way. I think it's fantastic hearing from all of you who look at things with a sunny point of view. But I get the impression that you have always had that attitude, whether learned from family, teachers, or peers while growing up, or just having something inherent in your nature. Apparently I lack that gene, or life beat it out of me. Pessimism, skepticism, cynicism have ruled me, and they feel like impossible habits to break.

Please, please don't be offended, but to me what I'm hearing feels a little demeaning: "I have a positive outlook. Just be like me and you'll be happy." It's a little like saying, "Oh, you just need to be beautiful like me and you'll like what you see in the mirror." I yearn for both goals, but I don't know how to get there. It's why I'm here looking for concrete tools that will help me make a sea change in my thinking.

So for me it would be much more helpful to hear from people who used to live in a negative, or at most neutral world (pretty much where I am at the moment), but defeated it and moved to a positive outlook - and how they did it. Is there anyone here who's been able to do that?

Stephanie

Goodness, no, so much of the world exists in a state of negativity. I mentioned earlier that my family of origin is all about living in fear. If I told them I planned on buying a home, I got nonstop messages about the perils of home ownership. If I said I decided to continue renting, I'd get blasted with messages around the perils of renting. It is a paralyzing way to exist, and since I grew up in that, it was DEEPLY ingrained in me, in ways I could hardly conceive.

For me, what worked was to get involved in challenging experiential programs that took me out of my comfort zones and forced me to re-evaluate who I was at the deepest levels.

Programs like Landmark (I am not associated in any way with Landmark, and in fact never worked with them, but rather with another similar program in the western US.) are well regarded, but there are other programs that can create powerful shifts rapidly. PM me, and I can offer suggestions.

If you're like me with deep issues from a rough start in life, making changes like this won't come from reading a good book and having a chat on a forum.

The fact that you're actively stepping into transition (or even considering it) already puts you high up there in the courage department, in my eyes. It's worth it to go deeper by shifting your mindset into something that will serve you the rest of your life. That's why I love this thread - thank you @AlaskanDanielle for creating it!


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[KathyLauren]

So for me it would be much more helpful to hear from people who used to live in a negative, or at most neutral world (pretty much where I am at the moment), but defeated it and moved to a positive outlook - and how they did it. Is there anyone here who's been able to do that?

I don't know if my view of the world was negative enough, or even neutral enough, to be of use to you. 

I have had a lot of negative stuff in my life, the origin of which was a mystery to me until recently.  I thought I was doomed to live a life devoid of social contact, a perpetual misfit.

But throughout, I have had a streak of confidence running through it that has saved me.  In my younger years, I would have called that confidence naive.  But as I made use of it in many areas, I learned to trust it: it was something real.

My confidence was in my ability to learn.  After a few trial runs, particularly in the Air Force, I knew that I could learn to do anything as well as anyone else could, if I was motivated to do so.  That is a pretty powerful belief.

All that was missing was my ability to apply it to my social "problem".  That piece fell into place when I admitted to myself that I really was trans.  Knowing the problem, it was really just a matter of finding out how others dealt with it.  What they could do, I could do.  That led my here to Susan's Place, and the rest is documented in my posts.

I am not complete yet.  I have to keep working on my voice and my posture.  I have a lot of feminine mannerisms and social interactions to learn.  And obviously there are a few physical items to take care of.  But what is different now is the knowledge that I can do this.  I am doing it.  And I see already that I am starting to do it well enough to be happy.

I don't know, does that help?  If not, hopefully someone else will be able to.

[Jayne01]

Please don't take this the wrong way. I think it's fantastic hearing from all of you who look at things with a sunny point of view. But I get the impression that you have always had that attitude, whether learned from family, teachers, or peers while growing up, or just having something inherent in your nature. Apparently I lack that gene, or life beat it out of me. Pessimism, skepticism, cynicism have ruled me, and they feel like impossible habits to break.

Please, please don't be offended, but to me what I'm hearing feels a little demeaning: "I have a positive outlook. Just be like me and you'll be happy." It's a little like saying, "Oh, you just need to be beautiful like me and you'll like what you see in the mirror." I yearn for both goals, but I don't know how to get there. It's why I'm here looking for concrete tools that will help me make a sea change in my thinking.

So for me it would be much more helpful to hear from people who used to live in a negative, or at most neutral world (pretty much where I am at the moment), but defeated it and moved to a positive outlook - and how they did it. Is there anyone here who's been able to do that?

Stephanie

Stephanie,

I am one of those people who looked at things in a negative way. With each failure I would beat down on myself until all I could see was only the possibility of further failures. I originally joined Susan's 3 years ago, but my my profile says I am a member since October 2017. The reason for that is that I kept deleting my account every time I hit an obstacle. I deleted my account 4 or 5 times (I lost count) in the 2 years prior to October 2017. I was very much one of those "yeah, but...." people. In a way, I still am. I use the word "but" a lot when I post, something I am trying to change.

I don't think anyone is saying "I have a positive outlook. Just be like me and you'll be happy." A positive outlook is something that can be learned, at any age. Yes, there are people out there who are born into a very optimistic family and they learn from a very young age how to see a glass as half full. Not everyone is the same. Too much optimism can also be seen as being unrealistic. A little skepticism can balance that out and help with a very realistic view of life.

For me, learning to think more positively and move away from the "yeah, buts..." has helped me become so much happier. I know that I will never be a perfect, beautiful cis woman. I can see my flaws, in both my looks and personality, but I can also see the good parts of me that I really do like, and I focus on developing the good parts and accepting the not so good parts that I cannot change. Did you see what I did with the word "but" in that last statement? I flipped the statement around and started with a negative "but" followed with a positive. Kind of like turning a  "yeah, but..." into a "no, but..." It's my way of breaking myself of the habit of following everything with a "but" and a negative view. One of these days the negative mindset will fade away even more and won't even rank a mention.

What I am trying to say is that a positive mindset can be learned.

I hope this has helped.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Michelle_P]

So for me it would be much more helpful to hear from people who used to live in a negative, or at most neutral world (pretty much where I am at the moment), but defeated it and moved to a positive outlook - and how they did it. Is there anyone here who's been able to do that?

Stephanie

Stephanie, I know you've read my big thread.  The early parts of that, and even more, the posts I made about my own state in the summer of 2016 had some pretty negative stuff going on.  I freely admit I self-censored the worst out of those.  (Really dark stuff, the return of suicidal depression and some related things, I left out quite deliberately.  Friends here talked me down, much appreciated still.)

I was running on glass half-empty plus a heap of bravado much of the time, before I went full time, eventually got my head on straight, took some classes and talked to some people.  I'm in the process of putting away that negativity, and am using directed meditations and metta to help myself.

May I be happy.
May I know my true worth.
May I know that I am lovable.
May I love myself with ease.

It sounds silly, but is based on good neuroscience.  I repeated that for 15 minutes straight every day, insisting and trying to feel it, and after about 30 days new pathways form in the brain to 'lock' this in.

I wasn't a positive person, but I believe I am becoming one now.

[Susan Baum]

Please don't take this the wrong way. I think it's fantastic hearing from all of you who look at things with a sunny point of view. But I get the impression that you have always had that attitude, whether learned from family, teachers, or peers while growing up, or just having something inherent in your nature. Apparently I lack that gene, or life beat it out of me. Pessimism, skepticism, cynicism have ruled me, and they feel like impossible habits to break.

Hey y'all, Stephanie
Take it the wrong way? Not a chance.
Everyone here, IMHO, has had to try to overcome negativity in some form or another; it's not as if all our lives have been nothing but sweetness and light. Anything but. You claim pessimism, skepticism, and cynicism have ruled you yet you still managed to come to grips and identify your dysphoria and join us here at Susan's and that is a decidedly positive step. I only wish you could see it right now.

A number of years ago I was about as negative as a person could be and tried to resolve my problems with booze and drugs - both licit and otherwise. My wake up call came when I lost three days and found myself strapped to a bed as my body got rid of my last speed and valium cocktail. I was so low I had to look up to see an anthill.

Fortunately, this episode got me to a good therapist who taught me how to better manage my life. It takes work and practice but, as others here have said, when you get as low as you can go, the only direction left is up.

Hugs
Susan

[krobinson103]

Just because you have a positive mindset doesn't mean life is all roses. Right now my life could be pretty low. My wife will leave me (or I her - thats yet to be decided), work is trying to find ways to get rid of me due to me being trans and the tbh the distraction of transition. Money is pretty tight, and my children are struggling to come to terms with it all. Nine months ago I was a hair away from suicide, and SRS is something that isn't covered by insurance or even available in New Zealand. These are pretty big issues, but I still call them opportunities. All that could easily point to "my life is terrible"

BUT, they can also be looked at in another way. My wife leaving gives us both an opportunity to live happier lives, I need to up my game at work so the pressure only makes it easier to improve, money will improve with time, I just have to be patient, suicidal impulses pushed me to transition which got me out of a pit of misery, SRS is available in other countries and after we sell the house I can make it happen.

I could go on. I'm too tall, I 'only' managed to grow c cup breasts so far (small on six foot two), my waist isn't really narrow enough, I have a receded hairline and quite thin hair, oh yeah, its taking a long time to get rid of facial hair. Some of those I can't change, some I can. BUT, why would I find a problem for every solution when I can do the opposite?

Life isn't perfect, I don't want it to be. That would be boring. Its a waste of opportunity however to wallow in the negative. Years and years ago when I was super depressed I ran into an interesting concept in a self help book of all things. In a nutshell it said;

The past is the past learn from it
The future isn't set, dream about it
Live in the moment and be present.

Because if you focus on right now, and what you can do in this moment keeping in mind previous 'mistakes' and have a vision of the future you want it can come true. The only person who has the power to really change your life is... you. You can choose the status quo (easy) or you can choose the painful reality that change comes from inside and it has a price. often a high one. I for one am willing to face the pain, pay the price, and make my life better.

Call that setting up for failure (there there will be plenty more) some might choose to call it over reaching (entirely possible!) I call it a life worth living.

[Mikaela]

Great quote by Caitlin Johnstone: "Nobody ever rose above themselves by the firm belief that they couldn't."


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