Coming Out to my wife is the hardest thing I will ever do in my life *PANIC*

[generalchaos34]

(I apologize for the wall of text! This is pretty therapeutic to write, is this what a diary is supposed to be like?)

So as I have recently heralded from many internet mountain tops I have my had my first therapy session and I feel like maybe theres a spark of hope in me that has been rekindled. I have floated around the internet since I was 15 (im 33 now) looking at all these lovely trans women living their dreams, their struggles, finding their true selves, and merely observed, thinking it was not a life I could have. Fast forward and I have been married for 8 years to the only person I have ever truly and honestly loved. As far as I know she has no clue about my female identity but after a bit of a health scare this year I have decided it was an all or nothing proposition in case my health really does take a turn for the worse and I wont be able to medically transition (plus Im pretty sure the stress is literally killing me). I saw the therapist and....it went great! Granted she is not a gender therapist but she is really supportive and she is really excited about the process. I live in CA and work for a school so I know my job is protected by both the union and the state. Also im pretty sure HRT and SRS is covered by my health plan. Things are lining up, and there appears to be some sort of future on my horizon. Exciting, Right?

But even though I am basking in this euphoria right now the cold fear I have felt all my life about finding my deep dark secret is still present even though I want to run down the street yelling "look at me world, im a woman and you better believe it!" This time the fear of rejection from my spouse. Despite my deepest soul searching and all kinds of positive signs that have floated around for years I have no clue how she will react. I have always exhibited some feminine qualities that I think are one of the reasons that attracted her to me, such as my non-violent temperament, my non confrontational attitude, my skills at baking and cooking, my artistic talents (I paint models), and the fact I will cry during sad movies. Frankly im pretty terrible at being the atypical "male". Throughout the years she seems pretty OK with me stealing and wearing her underwear around the house, giving up a few pairs to me permanently. Additionally we are a frugal bunch so when she recently lost some weight instead of throwing her pants out she gave them to me since we are pretty much the same size (why are womens clothes so much more comfortable but lacking in so many pockets?) and slacks are slacks unless you really want to look at the labels or notice the odd cuts. So its not totally out of left field. Im not an adrenaline junky manly man, I don't even like to watch sports (football is far too violent, she likes watching it while I read). Our ideal and exciting day is watching bad movies and looking for finds at thrift stores. We have no children and our happy marriage has pretty much been unchanged for these 8 years and I cherish every day that we get to spend together.

But there is that fact that I have been lying to her all this time. I have presented myself as something I am not. That great deception haunts me every minute of every day to someone who outside of this I have never been able to lie to and she can easily see through any lies I have ever haphazardly attempted whenever I made a mess or did something embarrassing.

So how the hell do I do this? I have read around the internet, seen all kinds of ideas, talked to the therapist, and Im still totally lost. Is having her visit the therapist and come out there be good? The therapist thinks that might help. Do I tell her as soon as possible? Ive already found myself subconsciously doing more feminine things, crossing my legs, letting my hair and nails grow out, so it seems like my subconscious is ready to go.  Do you ladies have any advice for me? I have a list of things I have already decided I will do that I think will help.

1. Do not start any serious medical transitions (i.e. HRT) without telling her first.(ultimate goal is fulltime then surgery)

2. When I do eventually come out I want her to be with me for everything, doctors, therapy, everything, no secrets anymore.

3. I will take as much time as she needs. Im not going to pressure her into anything if she is not ready. I know Im hurting but my pain has been around for decades, hers will be very fresh and painful. I've waited 33 years I'm sure a few more won't hurt, and it will be a lot more palatable now that im understanding myself.

4. I am prepared for the worst as well. I have some backup plans set up in my mind if it all goes south but I want to devote myself to making this work no matter the cost.

Im still terrified beyond reason but for some reason its a completely different terror that I felt just a week ago. Maybe I need to let this all settle in but I feel like the dam has burst and I have all these feelings that need to be let out.

[Jessica]

I think you have a strong possibility of having an understanding wife.  She obviously knows you have a feminine side.  She allows you to wear the clothes your comfortable in.  You have a more feminine personality than the societal norms. She seems to love you.
Your list is well thought out and therapy for both is helpful either separately or together.
She will need time to process it, something that you have had much more of.  Marriages can and do survive with work and love.  Just like all marriages.

I wish you luck, and above all be honest!

Hugs and smiles, Jessica 

[Brenda80]

Much similar to the same situation years ago when I started transitioning.
Heres some things that may or may not be experienced that you might want to spend some time pondering.
- may break the marriage. Can you accept that and still proceed with transitioning shall she does not accept?
- heated arguments when things don't go your way or hers. What is your tolerance level?
- socially, who takes the lead?

[DawnOday]

I just came out to the woman I married 42 years ago. I was always afraid she found evidence of my crossdressing and that is why she decided to have an affair. It didn't go as bad as I thought it would. Since she has been an RN for 40 years and her Husband is a doctor she understood the DES information I sent her. I am totally stress free now. No more secret, No more hiding, no more guilt and shame. A rebirth

[Chloe_freebird]

I hope all goes well for you I was in a similar situation to you had lots of girls clothes and used to wear my wife's sports bras and all with her approval .I had written a daft letter of what I was going to say to her but she caught me with nail polish on my toes and things got heated  after coming out to my wife she said she cant be with a woman and is leaving me soon
But from how you have worded it seems that your wife may be understanding
dysphoria is one of the worst feelings and burying it over years and years doesnt make it any better

Xxx chloe

[Sylvia]

Speaking as a SO who has a complete coward as a partner (he didn't come out, I outed him, and ever since then I've had to squeeze every bit of information about his feelings, plans and everything, like out of a lemon), you at least seem to have the right idea, about sharing, taking things slow and understanding how new this will all be to your wife. And you're right about not doing anything in secret - that will not end well, it nearly blew us apart when I found out he'd been taking T-blockers.
I can't tell you how it will go. I too have always seen (and loved) some feminine aspects in my partner, but when the T bomb burst it absolutely knocked me for six and I really never saw it coming. I haven't come to terms with it yet, but we are working through it.
Wishing you the very best of luck.
Syl

[KathyLauren]

I SO understand where you are at!  I was there, at that exact spot two years ago this week.  It took me literally six months to get up the nerve to tell my wife.

There is only one way to do it, and that's to do it.  It sounds trite, but it's a fact.  Do it sooner rather than later.  The later you leave it, the more fallout there could be.

You need to be ready for any outcome, good or bad, and be prepared to accept it, whatever it is.  There is every reason, from what you have told us, to believe that your wife will be accepting, as I had reason to expect mine to be, but you won't know for sure until you have told her.

You should anticipate and have answers ready for her obvious questions.  Are you going to leave me?  Does this mean you are gay?  Are you going to leave me?  Why didn't you tell me sooner?  Are you going to leave me?  What do you plan to do?  Are you going to leave me?

It helps if you rehearse the exact words you are going to use, at least for the first part of the conversation where you are in control.  In the months that I was getting my nerve up, I tried out plenty of versions in my mind, until I had one that told the truth with minimal chance of her freaking out.  When the time came to say it, I went into some kind of detached state and heard my own voice speaking the words I had rehearsed.

But there is no way to do it except to just say it.  We can cheer you on, but only you can take that step.  You can do it!!

[generalchaos34]

I SO understand where you are at!  I was there, at that exact spot two years ago this week.  It took me literally six months to get up the nerve to tell my wife.

There is only one way to do it, and that's to do it.  It sounds trite, but it's a fact.  Do it sooner rather than later.  The later you leave it, the more fallout there could be.

You need to be ready for any outcome, good or bad, and be prepared to accept it, whatever it is.  There is every reason, from what you have told us, to believe that your wife will be accepting, as I had reason to expect mine to be, but you won't know for sure until you have told her.

You should anticipate and have answers ready for her obvious questions.  Are you going to leave me?  Does this mean you are gay?  Are you going to leave me?  Why didn't you tell me sooner?  Are you going to leave me?  What do you plan to do?  Are you going to leave me?

It helps if you rehearse the exact words you are going to use, at least for the first part of the conversation where you are in control.  In the months that I was getting my nerve up, I tried out plenty of versions in my mind, until I had one that told the truth with minimal chance of her freaking out.  When the time came to say it, I went into some kind of detached state and heard my own voice speaking the words I had rehearsed.

But there is no way to do it except to just say it.  We can cheer you on, but only you can take that step.  You can do it!!

Thank you all so much for your kind words, it definitely means a lot to me! I think that leading with "I have no intention of ever leaving you" is a good start. My daily routine with her is to have a moment in which we both say how we are stuck together no matter what (in a romantic way of course!) so that will drive it home.

I feel like the universe is wanting me to do this. My chinese fortune cookies last night said "Do It With Confidence" "Befriend Yourself and You'll Never Be Lonely" and "A Big Change is Coming Soon" This feeling hopeful thing is totally new to me.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Chaos,
   My feeling is this. If you and your partner are best friends not just husband and wife, you have a good chance that things will go well. That could mean staying together or staying as friends. Some partner's can't go with the changes. It is fair to them if they can't. It sounds like you have a good plan for being considerate of your partner. Communication and respect of her feelings are key. I informed my partner early on but held the secret from my kids for a long time. If I think about it, in no way do I feel like I lied to them. Your partner may feel this, especially at first. Call me crazy but the reason we keep the secret is that we are brought up to think that this is the worst thing in the world to have come out. We desperately try to live a 'normal' life, do things the way everyone else does, but we are fighting against our nature. It eventually becomes impossible to run from. So, do you portray yourself as 'victim'?  No, but you are not the evil genius keeping this secret to hurt anybody. From here on out, you can't do anything but be completely honest with her, in my opinion.
   If it were me, I would start by expressing that there is something that you need to share. Make sure you are in a time and place where you are both ready to talk. Don't blurt it out. I would lay a little foundation about how you have felt, how you have resisted going forward because of the pain it would possibly cause her. I would agree that, if she is willing, involve her in the decision making process. I myself, would not want to hear, "Hi honey, I'm trans, I am gonna do x, y, and z." I think I would rather hear, "I am having gender related issues, I am terrified that this will hurt you, and I am hoping we can work through this together." I wouldn't go as far as planning the future unless she is over the top accepting. It is only fair to let it sink in. She will need processing time.
   I hope it goes well. I know how scary it is. I think we reach that point where it does kind of kill us to hold it in.
Moni

[LizK]

Hi Chaos

I don't think there is any way to comprehend how your wife is going to feel. I would suggest listen carefully to what she is telling you and take your cues from there.

Doing stuff behind her back is just going to add fuel to an already potentially bad situation or turn a good situation into a bad one. I understand the need to move forward but if you are loving and open with her you might have a better chance of having her along side you rather than terrified for her future.

I hope it works out for you. I encouraged my wife to see a counselor and she did. She came away much happier and has been fully supportive ever since...she is my greatest supporter. It can work but it takes work.

Take care

Liz


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