Not Transitioning But Coming Out Nonetheless

[BeckyCNJ]

I'm over 60 years old and have been married for 35+ years. Before I asked my future wife to marry me I told her I was trans (although that term wasn't being used back then) and she has been fine with it over the years. Last year I told my adult children and their spouses. All were very accepting and, perhaps because of their generation and how they were raised, were fairly matter-of-fact about accepting it. I also have told my medical caregivers.

Although I don't plan to transition I feel a responsibility to the trans community to be supportive not just in words and deeds but by telling people I'm trans and hopefully adding a perspective rarely heard from publicly as someone who is trans but not transitioning. While I know many trans individuals I don't know any who are like myself; non-transitioning and out.

My wife is against my sharing this beyond those I've already talk to. I feel an increasing importance to be more out. I don't look to make some public announcement, but to share it selectively when I feel it's appropriate. I realize at some point, this would come out to the world at-large and I'm fine with that, but again, my wife isn't. Her reasoning is that this is private information.

While I'm no celebrity, hundreds of thousands know my name and millions would recognize me because my work. That adds a bit of a complication to this but it also makes me feel more responsible to share who I am.

Are there others on this board who are in a similar position? I welcome your suggestions on how to proceed.

Becky

[Northern Star Girl]

@BeckyCNJ
Dear Becky,  I am not certain just how to reply with anything helpful or even intelligent sounding.  I am replying to your first post here primarily to let you know that I have found what you have written does sound interesting and could be be quite a dilemma for you and your wife.   I am so glad to see that you and her seem to have an understanding about the limits of sharing about yourself.  It is wonderful that your family members accept you as you came out to them.

I am certain that here on the Susan's Place Forums that you may indeed find other members that are in a similar situation as yourself....   keep being active here and keep posting threads with subject lines that will strike a chord with like-minded members here.

Well, I must be living under a rock, I have to admit that I am not one of the "hundreds of thousands that know your name" and certainly I am not one of the "millions the would recognize you because of your work"

I hate to admit it but I am completely and innocently ignorant of who you are and what work that you have done.   If you feel so led please enlighten me here on this posting or if you feel more comfortable keeping it more private, please feel free to send me a PM.

Thank you for any and all support that you continue to do to support the trans community.

Thanks for posting,  I will try to get out from under my rock a little more often 
Wishing you well,
Danielle

[Mikaela]

I'm over 60 years old and have been married for 35+ years. Before I asked my future wife to marry me I told her I was trans (although that term wasn't being used back then) and she has been fine with it over the years. Last year I told my adult children and their spouses. All were very accepting and, perhaps because of their generation and how they were raised, were fairly matter-of-fact about accepting it. I also have told my medical caregivers.

Although I don't plan to transition I feel a responsibility to the trans community to be supportive not just in words and deeds but by telling people I'm trans and hopefully adding a perspective rarely heard from publicly as someone who is trans but not transitioning. While I know many trans individuals I don't know any who are like myself; non-transitioning and out.

My wife is against my sharing this beyond those I've already talk to. I feel an increasing importance to be more out. I don't look to make some public announcement, but to share it selectively when I feel it's appropriate. I realize at some point, this would come out to the world at-large and I'm fine with that, but again, my wife isn't. Her reasoning is that this is private information.

While I'm no celebrity, hundreds of thousands know my name and millions would recognize me because my work. That adds a bit of a complication to this but it also makes me feel more responsible to share who I am.

Are there others on this board who are in a similar position? I welcome your suggestions on how to proceed.

Becky

I'm not remotely famous, but I do make a living openly in the public eye as a life coach/energetic healer. My social media is full of past, present and future clients, and I depend on the income from my clients to pay the bills. It was no easy thing for me to publicly post on my personal and business page, website and blogs my coming out statement.

I was terrified, to be honest.

Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised at the response - mostly a mild curiosity, a chance for others to share more deeply on who they are, and that's about it. I'd already come out to my family of origin, and dealt with that mess, so it was a great relief - almost anticlimactic - the response on social media. The biggest thing, is it freed me to be even more authentic than before, and hopefully promoted the trans community by doing so.

I think it's a great idea.


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[Gertrude]

I'm in a similar place, except not quite as old and therefore not married as long and my kids are younger. A lot in some cases. My wife says she's not ready for me to be me, but who's life is it anyway? Having lived a life in hiding has been one unfulfilled and that's a shame. A lot of wasted years with no possibility of getting any of it back. The consequences go beyond just being trans, but affected the outcome of my life. Like you, I'm at an age where I have to accept that, yet figure out how I could be happy. It's not easy.


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[Dena]

I remember the type of work you do and your approach to life which helps me target the response a little better. If for any reason you are uncomfortable going public, it's best that you don't go there. There are many in public playing both small and large roles education the public so another voice isn't necessary. As you have a large number of employers there is a very real risk that you could take a professional hit by going public. You should only consider going public if your in a place in life where a professional hit isn't going to harm you.

I believe my transition cost me two jobs. I wasn't protected legally and being out of work cost me enough that it delayed my transition a couple of years and resulted in a loan of around $30,000 in todays money that I repaid. I didn't have the option of avoiding a transition so it cost me dearly. Even in our more enlighten times going public is a risk that shouldn't be taken lightly, especially if your responsible for the care of others. This is a decision that's important enough that you and your wife need to be in agreement before you take any action.

[HappyMoni]

Becky, I only want what is best for you and your spouse, but I love the generosity of doing such a thing when you don't have to for your personal sanity. I have often wanted to pose the question to someone who condemns us. "What if the only person who could save your child's life was trans? Would they be acceptable to you then? Would you then turn around and make them use the wrong bathroom?" Again, do what is right for you. If you do go public, I think it would be amazing. We will only become more mainstream when we squeeze ourselves in, maybe ruffling a few feathers as we go.

[Gertrude]

I remember the type of work you do and your approach to life which helps me target the response a little better. If for any reason you are uncomfortable going public, it's best that you don't go there. There are many in public playing both small and large roles education the public so another voice isn't necessary. As you have a large number of employers there is a very real risk that you could take a professional hit by going public. You should only consider going public if your in a place in life where a professional hit isn't going to harm you.

I believe my transition cost me two jobs. I wasn't protected legally and being out of work cost me enough that it delayed my transition a couple of years and resulted in a loan of around $30,000 in todays money that I repaid. I didn't have the option of avoiding a transition so it cost me dearly. Even in our more enlighten times going public is a risk that shouldn't be taken lightly, especially if your responsible for the care of others. This is a decision that's important enough that you and your wife need to be in agreement before you take any action.

Thank you, even if it wasn't meant for me


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[Charlie Nicki]

Becky, all I want to say is that I love your perspective. A lot of trans people who don't plan to transition make a conscious decision to try to bury it or forget about it. The fact that you want to tell your story even if you don't plan to transition is amazing. I understand your wife's fear but hopefully she'll understand your side as well.

Hugs!

[amandam]

Unless you and the wife are in sync, I wouldn't do it. You must take into account her feelings, and all possible repercussions.

[ChelseaAnn]

Um, I'm not really sure about this if it were me. I mean, there's a lot to consider. Let me tell you a little about myself before trying to help.

When I first came out to my wife, I was out to only 3 or 4 close friends, not even any family. After I came out to my wife, there was a long juggling act of what everything meant. Was I going to transition, get surgery, dress full time, etc. At one point, a full transition was off the table. At that point, I still identified as trans, and my wife was okay with me dressing at night after the kids went to sleep and on time she would give me by taking the kids somewhere. Full transition is now a few years away for me (a mutual choice built on career and financial strategy).

So, what my point is for this. Do you dress at all? Publicly? Do you dress androgonously, and is that comfortable for you, whichever the case may be. For me right now, I'm [semi] comfortable with dressing on days and times I get, and full transition will come when it's time.

As someone who seems pretty content not to transition, I don't really see anything to be gained, especially given that your wife is uncomfortable with said plan. I don't know you, or how publicly you are known, but if I were in your position and comfortable with where I am, I see nothing to be gained. You can be an ally, still identify as trans to those who know, and not suffer the consequences which seem very apparent given your wife's opinion.

Just my thoughts.

[BeckyCNJ]

Do you dress at all? Publicly? Do you dress androgonously, and is that comfortable for you, whichever the case may be. For me right now, I'm [semi] comfortable with dressing on days and times I get, and full transition will come when it's time.

As someone who seems pretty content not to transition, I don't really see anything to be gained, especially given that your wife is uncomfortable with said plan. I don't know you, or how publicly you are known, but if I were in your position and comfortable with where I am, I see nothing to be gained. You can be an ally, still identify as trans to those who know, and not suffer the consequences which seem very apparent given your wife's opinion.

Thank you, ChelseaAnn! I welcome all the different points of view that have been shared. To those who don't know, I present as a fairly ordinary guy (I think). I'm not very masculine but I also don't come across as feminine. Not transitioning is a function of my current life circumstances. I believe if I were in my teens or 20s, or even older, I would transition, so it's not that I don't feel the need, it's just that when I weigh the plusses and minuses, the scale tilts in favor of staying male.

I have been working on developing a feminine voice. You may wonder why I would do that if I don't present as female or plan to transition. I do a fair amount of voiceover work and I would love to be able to switch between male and female. It would make me feel good knowing in this one way I could present as female. It's currently a work in progress, but at least I'm making progress.

Since I can't transition I want to grab hold of any threads I can that would allow the real me to come through.

Thank you again for sharing your wisdom with me.

Becky

[Gertrude]

I would add there are always choices and it's an equilibrium that can change. When the pain of inauthenticity/desire for authenticity get to a point where the risks don't matter, it can push people to transition or  worse, go into maladaptive behaviors in order to deal with it.


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