What does it feel like to be a woman?

[Kylo]

What does it feel like to be a woman. What do women think?

That's a question with two answers. The first answer is no-one knows what anybody really thinks inside for sure. No woman knows precisely how another woman feels, since we have to rely on the clumsy medium of words and to trust what people describe with them is actually the truth. The second answer is based on averages of women's behavior and what women tend to say about themselves. That's all there is to go on.

I would guess most people go on the information they have accumulated so far in life from observing men and women and hearing them talk. I got born female and to an extent I understand the things women's bodies/hormones compel them to behave like, but it didn't apply at all to the "female personality" (on average). Women I know would love to get together and gossip about stuff, I didn't. They were very interested in clothes, shoes, and looking attractive, I wasn't. They usually didn't like confrontations and altercations and asserting their own dominance all the time, whereas I did. They would have a different approach to life than the men I knew, whereas my approach was instinctively much more like that of the men I knew. Most of us have a picture by now of what men and women are generally 'like' and whether or not we fit the picture of our birth sex. That, and the amount of discomfort arising from having to behave in a way that does not feel natural... that's about the only things there are to go on.

I'd say as well transsexual people are in the unenviable position of having an "inside" dictated to not only by their inclinations and instincts but by gendered upbringing being put onto them, as well as a dominant sex hormone which can and will confuse the situation. Sometimes you can be a mix of inclinations, not a perfect stereotype.

The only thing you really have to figure out is where your "comfort zone" lies. How much discomfort you have and are prepared to put up with as a result of how you are right now. How everyone figured this out is probably unique to each case but I just took a look at how I felt right now, versus how I felt for the last three decades, looked honestly at the childhood signs and issues and honestly at the ones I had as an adult still, and weighed everything up that way, and (probably most importantly) compared these to the "classic symptoms" shown by trans people of the condition. Which I had in spades. I did give myself a year or two to think about it, so it wasn't a snap decision. I also knew that transition was not a panacea that was necessarily going to solve all of these problems and was aware that I would need to be able to cope again if they didn't. I would be wary of putting so much store in the idea of transition that you may be disappointed because I imagine that to be dangerous territory post-transition.

[kaitylynn]

I have thought about this a lot since starting transition several years ago.  I can honestly say I had no idea what it felt like and my therapist always told me, "It feels like you feel RIGHT NOW...cause guess what, Love!"

This past six months, something has definitely shifted.  I still see the same person I have always been, but others are seeing me for who I really am and that is what she has been referring to.  I wear a masculine uniform for work, wear little makeup due to my work and yet people still interact with me as I truly am, a woman...which can be a little frustrating.  It is sometimes not a positive to be a woman who is more mechanically inclined than the men who need to have things serviced in their homes.  Other women are a very different story and I am congratulated for being one of the few women in field service.  We often have conversations about how I was able to break through a perceived barrier to be one of three women conducting field work.

This is the part that has been tough for me.  Persistent thought that women are limited in ability and we need to break in to everything.  I often hear the question asked in support groups, "what is something you found since transitioning that you did not figure on as you started?"  This perception that we are somehow lacking expertise and constant fight for respect that we women are forced to endure in so many facets of our lives!

I have found my womanhood is not so much based in appearance, but in my energy.  I have grown in to a confidence that I am first a woman, and that carries more weight than I could have ever imagined.  I have friends that are lightyears beyond me in terms of surgeries and makeup skills that will still get misgendered when my "plain Jane" looks get me by just fine.  The cool part is, anyone can be working on this aspect of transitioning without any expense above time spent working on it.

In the end, not a single human can definitively state they know what it is to truly be this gender or that gender.  These constructs are ours and learning to live within the confines of one, male or female, is just a matter of practice really.  I can say I feel like a woman because I am one...so this is my feeling.  Each of us has this and the phrase "namaste" comes to mind...I see the light in you and I share my light with you to see within me.  I see the woman in you and I share my womanhood for you to see within me.

[Donna]

I have to say I feel female. That being said I have no idea what female feels like. I know what male felt like and I don't feel that anymore so I guess what I feel now is female. What a cisfemale feels like I will never know and that doesn't bother me because what I feel is me.

[Charlotte F]

My only concern with GenderGP, is that the counselor was talking to agree to a block of ten and that I'm now to pay her directly and not Gender GP? Is that normal?

I found my therapist through GenderGP.  I do also deal with her directly but she hasn't ever tried to lock me in to some sort of package.  I mean, I have done more than 10 sessions but how can you possibly know how many sessions you'll need in advance or whether you'll have the confidence in that therapist to fully open up as you delve deeper in to things?  At the beginning we explored lots of things on a weekly basis, now I only speak to her as and when an issue comes along

I'd probably just tell your therapist you want to pay as you go if that's what you'd prefer

[LucyEgo]

I put my skirt on again yesterday and felt great. Then I looked in the mirror. Huge disappointed.

All of you ladies look great. So jealous.

So here's a question for you MTF's

Just when you first started out, how did you perceive yourself in the mirror? Did you see yourself as a woman in mans clothing? Or a man in mans clothing? When you started to wear womens clothes, did you still see yourself as a man in womans clothes? Or a woman in womans clothes? If the former, how long did it take you to adjust?

Is this an element of your thinking that needed to change and catch up with you?

I kind of think for myself, I need to recognise myself as a woman in mans clothing, otherwise surely, all Im doing is reprogramming myself? Trying to twist my perceptions? A fraud?

I wear a skirt and stand in front of the mirror, and I see my big hairy belly, the big hairy legs, huge feet... But I dressed in my male clothes this morning, and what I saw wasn't 100% male.

Lucy

[krobinson103]

Its a process that takes time. Losing weight, and hair removal doesn't happen overnight. HRT makes changes slowly. That being said the physical changes happened faster than I was mentally ready to process so I wouldn't wish for results too soon.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Lucy

1. My answer to the title of the thread is that it is an internal or spiritual or perhaps innate feeling. It is something I have always known. It is how I have always felt on the inside.

2. No I have never been "locked into" sessions at or via GenderGP but you may wish to check all the other "GenderGP" threads here on Transgender Talk Board.

3. Latest questions: I have always seen myself internally as a woman irrespective of clothes but I was always disappointed by my male appearance in the mirror as it is external. I feel better in womens' clothes and the disappointment externally is less but still there. I still see myself as a man externally in womens' clothes but I am boosted externally more when I witness some minor HRT changes.

Hope this helps.

Your last six words prove to me you are on the right road.

Hugs

Pamela

[KathyLauren]

Just when you first started out, how did you perceive yourself in the mirror? Did you see yourself as a woman in mans clothing? Or a man in mans clothing? When you started to wear womens clothes, did you still see yourself as a man in womans clothes? Or a woman in womans clothes? If the former, how long did it take you to adjust?

Not everyone experiences gender as a feeling.  As I have said earlier in this thread, I never "felt like" either a man or a woman.  I have always just felt like me.  In the past, I thought of myself as a man, but it turns out I was wrong.  Now I think of myself as a woman, and I know I am right.

So, in my early cross-dressing days, I thought I was a man in woman's clothing.  The fact that I was comfortable in those clothes, and that I liked myself better when so dressed served as evidence, a couple of decades later, to show my brain the truth. 

I didn't have to "convince" myself.  It just took (too many) years of accumulated evidence.  Eventually, even to my stubborn-ness, the evidence was overwhelming, and I could deny the truth no longer.

[Miss Clara]

Internal identity is most important, but I think that how others perceive you and how you perceive yourself, i.e., your external physical appearance, is also important.  It validates your internal self-concept as male or female.  The difference between how we feel internally and how we appear externally is a major cause of gender dysphoria.  If you feel like a woman, but are seen by others as a man, it's not unusual to question your own gender identity, and experience gender dysphoria.

I think that the motivation to cross-dress stems from a need to resolve this internal-external dichotomy.  It's an attempt to bring your external appearance into alignment with your internal self-image, if only temporarily.  If your subconscious self-image is strongly female, as it is for transsexual women, medical transition is the only way to permanently resolve this incongruence to eliminate gender dysphoria.

As transition progresses, as others perceive you as a woman, as you see your own feminine reflection, it validates your internal gender/sexual identity.  The way you feel becomes the way a woman feels.

I think this is why cisgender people have trouble understanding the transgender condition.  Their external appearance, and the way they are perceived by others is consistent with their subconscious sexual identity. They don't question whether they feel the way women are supposed to feel, even if they have interests and exhibit behaviors that are not typical of their sex.  Cisgender people do not distinguish between their gender identity and their sex the way trans people do.  We struggle with that difference, and coming to grips with it is how we find some measure of mental peace.

[SadieBlake]

I put my skirt on again yesterday and felt great. Then I looked in the mirror. Huge disappointed.

All of you ladies look great. So jealous.

So here's a question for you MTF's

Just when you first started out, how did you perceive yourself in the mirror?
...
Lucy

To be fair Lucy, where I started was every bit of 20 years ago and I dressed for sex because that's what made me feel good about my body. I only wore outer femme clothing in kink venues where it was always accepted and when I transitioned I expected to mostly dress in relatively male gear. I think all those years of dressing privately helped me know what I would look like and certainly HRT has softened my features but anyway I've had plenty of time to set expectations.

What I found was as soon as I was fully healed post-op and had the energy to think about anything beyond surviving day to day, I wanted to wear skirts and have done pretty much every day since. The formerly present <shenis> made me hella uncomfortable whenever dressed femme and I'd found tucking more dysphoric than just presenting male.

I still don't love the mirror but I like it a lot better than I did before transitionbecause when I wear femme stuff the line isn't disturbed.

I recently was able to find a cotton skirt that's safe to wear for blowing glass (made of cotton so it won't melt to skin if I run into something hot and has enough freedom of movement ... which is surprisingly hard to find in cotton).

So two things, being female is how you feel, not how you look and give yourself time to work out a whatever look you like best.

[Sienna Grace]

Its a process that takes time. Losing weight, and hair removal doesn't happen overnight. HRT makes changes slowly. That being said the physical changes happened faster than I was mentally ready to process so I wouldn't wish for results too soon.

I have also found this. While not problematic, physical changes have forced me to make mental changes and vice-versa. The shift in my thinking was not something I had previously considered. Whereas I once conditioned myself to think I was a man sometimes dressing as a woman... and all the associated mental angst which that brings, now I don't exactly see myself as a woman, as I still possess genetically male attributes, rather, I am somewhere along a continuum. It is this invisible, but nonetheless very really line which constantly drives my thinking. I still feel like me, but the 'me' to which I refer is distinctly different.

For example, I love my emergent breasts... but, I notice people at work looking at me. The mental consequence is myriad. Am I being overly self-conscious? Of course. But how can I not? The real question becomes; at what point do I react? Then however, comes the question of whether to react at all. Consideration of response, leads to more questions and deeper thought about what sort of reaction is appropriate? Which leads to questions about future. I like how I look in stylish lingerie, but is that enough? It is now, but then a year ago I would never have considered removal of testes. Now I think, why not? Not because I have any dysphoria regarding them, but because they slow my journey somewhat.

Twelve months ago, had I been asked, I would've considered I needed nothing more than acceptance of who I am. The desire for acceptance has not changed. What has changed, is I no longer have the constant, almost physical need for self-acceptance. HRT, while simple physically, has a definite and complex impact on individual psyche. I always said that my objective was to match the eyes that look out, to match those that look back when I look in a mirror. It is happening, but the associated cognitive changes require deep consideration. Physical changes raise questions to which, not only do I not have the answers, but at this point, I don't even know the questions!

My advice if anyone asks would be to hasten slowly. Transitioning physically is relatively easy. The mental challenges associated with transitioning at an older age are enormously difficult; at least they have been for me, but I would not change a single thing...

[RobynD]

I've always simply felt like me. Once I changed my gender presentation, I felt more at home socially, more relaxed, more connected to the people and world around me. Is that feeling like a woman? I think in my case it is.

[Donna]

I spent a life time as male. I spent all of two months trying to walk the line between the two and now im all female. The day I truly arrived was the day I got my first wig. I wore it home and sat with my wife in the dining room, looked in the mirror and did not recognize who was looking back. It was Donna and she has been here ever since. Even with out hair I don't see him anymore. Physical changes can be slow or fast and it does mess with your mind. My first peer support group meeting made me feel so out of place and hesitant to say anything. Listening to stories of how slow the changes have been for others can make you self conscious if your doing it at a different rate and time. Don't let that get to you, your body will do as it pleases

[krobinson103]

I spent a life time as male. I spent all of two months trying to walk the line between the two and now im all female. The day I truly arrived was the day I got my first wig. I wore it home and sat with my wife in the dining room, looked in the mirror and did not recognize who was looking back. It was Donna and she has been here ever since. Even with out hair I don't see him anymore. Physical changes can be slow or fast and it does mess with your mind. My first peer support group meeting made me feel so out of place and hesitant to say anything. Listening to stories of how slow the changes have been for others can make you self conscious if your doing it at a different rate and time. Don't let that get to you, your body will do as it pleases

My body decided it didn't want to wait. Stuff changed very fast. I read stories of people on HRT for years with limited results so I guess its just luck and DNA.

[CarlyMcx]

What does it feel like to be a woman?  I asked my wife.  She said once a month for three or four days it feels so bad that you will do anything for chocolate and a back massage.  She laughs at me for being constantly hungry, needing naps and having trouble getting up in the morning.

Seriously, I took a purely empirical approach to transitioning because I had a lot to lose from walking away from male privilege.

I know for sure that I am not a man and never was because going on HRT cured most of my medical problems and coming out of the closet fixed all the rest.  I am happy with who I am and how I am living life and wise enough not to question happiness.

Hugs, Carly

[xAmyX]

Far more emotional! The difference is insane. You get used to it though. Hopefully.

[Mendi]

Reminds me of a conversation in our gender clinic:

Doctor (Woman): How do you you know you are a woman?
Me: How do you?
Doctor: I´m not here saying that I´m a woman, you are.
Me: So, you don´t even know the answer to your own question...but I should know the answer?
Doctor: Yes
Me:......

I don´t think there is a straight answer, or at least an answer like that ***** doctor was looking.

Gender is so many things, social, biological, identity, appearance etc etc etc. All that makes gender and all that is what makes you feel woman, or just one part of it.

I know for me, the social construction was and is the most important. I never felt that I belonged to male group. In every party etc, I graved to be with the women, to talk things with them.

Now, that I´ve transitioned, everything socially feels in place and I actually finally enjoy to going out, to parties etc.

[xAmyX]

I'm actually less social as a woman. To each's own though. I can't be bothered by anyone anymore like I used to. I prefer my isolation and introverted inspection of reality. Even my best friend I only talk to once a month, if even that. We used to talk daily. She still loves me though, and checks up on me all the time. I'm just "not feeling" chit chatty anymore. Not a bad thing though. I prefer things this way. I keep to myself. Everyone else can keep to themselves. My social circle has dwindled down to darn near nothing, but at least I have 2 girl friends whom always find a way to put a smile on my face. (: That's all I need. Whenever I wanna reach out, they're there. There's a comfort in knowing.

[AnneK]

I have to say I've never felt 'male' or 'female' I've felt like me.

Me too.  However, while I was raised and generally acted male, I've long known I was different.  Even back in kindergarten, I was noticing things like seamed stockings and wondering about the "line" down the back of the leg.  In grade 1, I told my mother that my new teacher wore stockings that didn't have lines, back when most stockings had seams.  I had an interest in wearing female clothes and hated wearing a jock strap when required for gym.  I "borrowed" my sister's tights and later stockings, starting when I was about 10 or 11.  I browsed through the lingerie section of department store catalogs, wondering what it would be like to wear those things.  However, I wasn't into dolls or playing with girls.  I've long been wearing pantyhose or stockings daily and more recently, nail polish and then bra.  I had my ears pierced 26 years ago.  I was into full cross dressing back then too.  So, all in all, I've been doing a lot of things that lean to the feminine side and have often thought about surgery, be it just castration or full GRS or something in between.  I'd also love to take hormones for breast growth, but hesitate, due to the obvious changes that would result.

So do I feel male?  Female?  Or...?

I most certainly don't wish to remain a masculine male.

[Katie Jade]

Me too.  However, while I was raised and generally acted male, I've long known I was different.  Even back in kindergarten, I was noticing things like seamed stockings and wondering about the "line" down the back of the leg.  In grade 1, I told my mother that my new teacher wore stockings that didn't have lines, back when most stockings had seams.  I had an interest in wearing female clothes and hated wearing a jock strap when required for gym.  I "borrowed" my sister's tights and later stockings, starting when I was about 10 or 11.  I browsed through the lingerie section of department store catalogs, wondering what it would be like to wear those things.  However, I wasn't into dolls or playing with girls.  I've long been wearing pantyhose or stockings daily and more recently, nail polish and then bra.  I had my ears pierced 26 years ago.  I was into full cross dressing back then too.  So, all in all, I've been doing a lot of things that lean to the feminine side and have often thought about surgery, be it just castration or full GRS or something in between.  I'd also love to take hormones for breast growth, but hesitate, due to the obvious changes that would result.

So do I feel male?  Female?  Or...?

I most certainly don't wish to remain a masculine male.

Dear Anne, not certain what you are waiting for. Tempus fugit etc. and we all run out of it too early. Go and speak with someone who will help you crystallise your feelings. Personally my head always wanted to be female but the fear of rejection ridicule and violence stopped me from pursuing this for the last 40+years. I just hope I have enough time left to get to were my soul is waiting for me.
Whatever your choice, be happy with yourself, after all that's who matters. If we cant be happy or care about our self, how can we pass that onto others properly?
I waffling again so Ill stop there.
Good Luck Anne (and everyone else)

Huge Hugz

Katie