Support for my Fiance (PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

[jessilynn]

Hey everyone. As you well know I am transgender, I've mentioned my fiance a few times, she is ALSO trans (MtF).

Her surgery is in July this year, and well she is freaking out. She constantly comes up with worries of "Is this what I want?" or "What if I regret it?" Name it, she's said it.

I know from the bottom of my heart and soul, that this is what she wants. She's spoken excitably about it for the past year, she complains about her dysphoria being so bad, and also states "I can't wait til I have my surgery...." and "I cant wait til that thing is no longer between my legs"

Her dysphoria has gotten SO bad, it's inhibiting our sex life. She never wants to have sex because it makes her feel "masculine" when we have intercourse anymore.

So there is no doubt in my mind that this will help her dysphoria, depression, anxiety, and feelings in general.

How best do I support her through this? Is it normal? I want her to be happy. Sex life aside, I could care less (I have toys- lol). I just want to be there for my lover, I want to support her through this, because I love her. And it hurts to see her struggling so much, when she is normally a very confident woman.

[Tatiana 79]

Hello Jessilynn
I really don't think that your fiance freaking out over this is abnormal some people just freak out over the thought of surgery me among them and I'm sure there's many others.
It's very easy to second-guess yourself when it comes down to crunch time but from everything I've read  I wouldn't worry too much about it, it sure seems like you both feel it's the correct thing to do and it probably is but she's been anticipating this her whole life so it's bound to evoke a lot of emotion that she's carried her whole life and now it's like all coming out within a short period of time.
I think you've been together long enough to know what you should do for support I think just being with her as much as you can every step of the way and show her the loving support  she is used to, but taking it up a notch probably wouldn't hurt.
This is such a huge life change it seems more likely than not that it would produce a huge emotional reaction.

Best wishes for both of your futures love Tatiana

[krobinson103]

I think its probably just nerves. I've just about worked all the obstacles out of the way for orchie and its likely to happen within the next 4-6 months. The closer it gets the scarier it gets! I know that when the day comes I'll be happy that its done. Anticipation is scary sometimes. She is lucky to have support. I have no support around the transition process beyond extended family 'accepting' because I gave them no choice.

[Dena]

I am assuming that she has had a fair amount of RLE and if so, sit down with her and have a talk with her. Ask her to describe how she felt before starting the transition and compare it to how she feels now. I did this by myself when the surgical judders set in and I concluded my life was better and there was no way I could return to my old life and feel as good as I did at that point. I was still nervous when I went for surgery but waking up after the surgery was over, I knew I had made the right decision. In addition, I have never regretted my decision for surgery and the only time I even questioned it, I remember my pre transition life and as bad as I felt at the moment, I knew it would have been far worst had I not transitioned.

[HappyMoni]

Maybe an exercise in understanding of where she stands  might be for her to make a pretend phone call canceling her surgery. Simulate in any way she can what it would be like if she said no to surgery. Then sit back and look at the feeling that such an action might evoke. Sometimes it helps to look at the flip side. 
I am looking at breast surgery soon. I know everyone says the point of no return is GCS but that is not the case in my mind. It is breast surgery. It has hit me that, although I don't desire to dress like a guy, after breast surgery that option would get a lot harder and less convincing in practice. So, that has run through my mind some recently. If I thought of canceling the surgery though, I would be very unhappy about it. I think there is a self defense mechanism inside us that makes us really stop and think before we make life changing decisions. It shows up as fear and questioning as in, "Am I doing the right thing?" Of course there are always some out there with an ability to lie to themselves and they talk themselves into something that is wrong for them. Does she have any thoughts of having had to talk herself into doing the surgery for any need other than dysphoria?
Moni